specklenought
Internet Cry Baby
- Oct 2, 2020
- 44
i've been in & out of therapy since i was 10. its taken me like 17 years to find a therapist i actually connect with, who i trust, and who i push myself to share with. I've been seeing them for about 2 years. Over the last 2 months i've been in like ~crisis sessions~ finally started talking about some deep trauma stuff that I've skirted around for a while. I dont really open up with ppl about this because in my experience people leave immediately after. and surprise! My therapist said he was going to take leave over the next month & had a return date. So I've been emotionally preparing myself to at least attempt ~staying alive~ during that time, we were going to text and be in contact still. Mainly so I can finish a few articles and commissions and not screw anyone over.
But today he said he is going on unexpected indefinite leave. It's funny because I can already feel my brain working to detach from them and see this as more evidence of abandonment, esp after I've recently been really honest about my immediate CTB plans, etc. It's like a repeated brain pattern, you open up and ppl leave (yes it sounds so gross and dramatic! that is my brain)
My therapist called after he sent out the email, and said he didn't feel safe with leaving things how they are right now (other clients they are letting choose what they want to do re: new therapists etc). He said he wants to loop me in with a specific person "in the interim" (however long that is, i dont believe he will come back tbh)
At one point, he got really upset, like openly crying, stuttering and finding it hard to speak (there's a lot going on for him rn). He said he doesnt want me to die and he could hold my pain if life wasnt the way it was right now. I ended up saying like its okay but I just went so completely numb. I realise he would feel incredibly guilty if I CTB because rn he's the only one that knows about it and yes I feel shit for telling him. I know i shouldn't have if I was really going to do it.
my therapist said I had two options which is either hospital (but they don't think hospital is helpful for people like us), or I have to tell someone, or they would contact my emergency contact (a friend) for me. Right now my brain is doing loops, like do I just lie and say I've told my emergency contact and then they'll leave me alone. they'll be busy with their own grief and wont have to be worried and then he'll never hear from me again. or do I tell him that's what my brain wants me to do, let him take charge and essentially relinquish all control I have over my life? or do i just tell someone? I don't know if I trust myself to do that...
Near the end of the phone call he asked if I felt safe (I laughed and said "when do I ever?") and then followed up by asking "Do you want to take a step towards staying alive, or do you want to take a step towards dying because even if you choose one over the other in one moment, you can always take a step back the other way in the next."
I thought it was a kind of nice way to put it, like you always have options. One isn't truly taken away. But god does it get harder. I have no idea what I want to do.
But today he said he is going on unexpected indefinite leave. It's funny because I can already feel my brain working to detach from them and see this as more evidence of abandonment, esp after I've recently been really honest about my immediate CTB plans, etc. It's like a repeated brain pattern, you open up and ppl leave (yes it sounds so gross and dramatic! that is my brain)
My therapist called after he sent out the email, and said he didn't feel safe with leaving things how they are right now (other clients they are letting choose what they want to do re: new therapists etc). He said he wants to loop me in with a specific person "in the interim" (however long that is, i dont believe he will come back tbh)
At one point, he got really upset, like openly crying, stuttering and finding it hard to speak (there's a lot going on for him rn). He said he doesnt want me to die and he could hold my pain if life wasnt the way it was right now. I ended up saying like its okay but I just went so completely numb. I realise he would feel incredibly guilty if I CTB because rn he's the only one that knows about it and yes I feel shit for telling him. I know i shouldn't have if I was really going to do it.
my therapist said I had two options which is either hospital (but they don't think hospital is helpful for people like us), or I have to tell someone, or they would contact my emergency contact (a friend) for me. Right now my brain is doing loops, like do I just lie and say I've told my emergency contact and then they'll leave me alone. they'll be busy with their own grief and wont have to be worried and then he'll never hear from me again. or do I tell him that's what my brain wants me to do, let him take charge and essentially relinquish all control I have over my life? or do i just tell someone? I don't know if I trust myself to do that...
Near the end of the phone call he asked if I felt safe (I laughed and said "when do I ever?") and then followed up by asking "Do you want to take a step towards staying alive, or do you want to take a step towards dying because even if you choose one over the other in one moment, you can always take a step back the other way in the next."
I thought it was a kind of nice way to put it, like you always have options. One isn't truly taken away. But god does it get harder. I have no idea what I want to do.
