Discussion How do you bide your time?

[Ryath]

I've recently joined this forum, but I have spent the past week reviewing topics and I thought I'd create my own.

Assuming that most are currently living within this forum, how do you deal with various factors that are contributing to your suicidal behaviour? (Whilst you continue your day to day) Your existential crisis or other form of physical or emotional agony.

Do you find yourself to have a complete lack of motivation with anything or do you still have hobbies and interests that you continue despite your circumstance?

How often do you find yourself daydreaming about anything? Whether it's your most ideal situation or conclusion. Is it a suicidal daydream or just completely innocent?

To summarise, these questions are wondering how you do with your average day dealing with whatever issue you may have. Is your time to CTB near or far? Or is it hesitation?

 

[Alan James]

I have suffered from various mental disorders (including schizophrenia) and wanted to die since I was 9 years old, but I could not. I have not taken any medications once in 30 years, I was so tired, the feeling that my mind had long died with my personality, I don't feel anything anymore, no feelings and emotions.

I had to somehow learn how to cope with schizophrenia, endogenous depression, autism without drugs and medical care (or any kind of help), and the only way for me was to artificially invent myself some kind of hobby and practice it every day, not to get pleasure or fun (I can't get any pleasure or fun), this is just a sort of escapism. I was looking for ways that would give the maximum distance from reality, in which time would fly very quickly, which would allow to occupy something with my mind, something on which you can focus attention for a long time: I tried to read, watch movies and TV shows, listen music - all this did not help, but the best option for me was video games. I use them as a form of treatment. They give the maximum removal from reality, time flies, they allow you to divert attention. But still all I feel is that I died a long time ago and got trapped in some place that worse than hell.

 

[dyingtodie]

I'll let this question marinate and hopefully respond more fully later. For now I'll say, podcasts, youtube, online chess, listening to insects, birds, communing with my cat. Cannabis at night only cause otherwise it makes me groggy and I tend to feel worse if I smoke in the day. Sleep. Sweet sleep. Laying in bed.

Almost zero motivation. It sucks when I can't even care enough about a Chess game to ponder possible moves, cause when I play well it's a blast...it's been a reason to stay. Simple chores, tasks help distract me. Writing. Patiently waiting for the will to live to return, but it won't. And when it has in the past, it always leaves, leaving me stranded with a bunch of half-started projects. Oh, and chanting with people or in my head helps a too. But as of the past few weeks I've been too depressed to even sing with the Hare Krishnas (and too tired to say mantra in my head), and though it's blissful and heavenly to hear them sing...it just sucks to be too down to join along.

 

[Jessica-]

Take long drives, browse this site and sleep. Anything to distract me.

 

[Marz]

I'm trying to keep on doing what I have to. I don't want to be completely amiss if I fail but I also cannot care enough to be truly engaged when I want to die so badly.

 

[Ryath]

Seeing as I posed the question, I'll also answer it myself.

I spend most of my evenings browsing various genres of music as it helps with my sensory issues due to my Aspergers; I never leave my house without a pair of earphones or headphones.

I often play World of Warcraft to sate my need to socialise - Although my friend often attempts to drag me outside. She is quite close to me and even called a paramedic once when she feared I was suicidal. It caught my parents by surprise to see two paramedics at the door asking for me at 4am.

If I can find the motivation, then I'll study various subjects relating to my field of expertise, such as programming and networking. Other interests include linguistics as I'm fluent in Hungarian, learning Russian and Japanese, I also speak a bit of Bulgarian - I enjoy reading a lot of psychology books as well as things like the DSM-V or ICD-10.

My suicide is mostly hesitation with ideation, although I can sometimes either be impulsive or meticulously plan my own demise.

 

[tomz323]

I just escape by playing video games basically, been doing that my entire life. Getting bored of them though.

 

[Xaphous]

My mind is numb enough to sit and nothing without any thoughts or paralyzed for hours with depressing thoughts. Had that most my life. mentally fkd. Can't find work so nothing to do nowhere to go and isolated always and no one to talk with. YouTube is the only thing that kept me slightly entertained all day at YouTube. At least.i dropped the spiritual cult I watched but already fkd my head more before I realized it's even a cult. Sometimes I might play one Pc game

 

[Honigwaffel]

I lived a, what I would call a pretty average life. Or what society defines as being normal or average. Whatever.
My whole life I had pretend to be someone else in order to get accepted by my surroundings. About a month ago I realised I had to stop, because it made me unbelievable sick.

Since then I turned my life around. Quit my job, broke up with my partner and threw away most of my belongings, which were pointless from the beginning. Now I am researching on how I can make a positive impact to make this world less of a f* up place. I myself can't really do anything about it. Hopefully I can get the people in charge to start thinking about the really importand things. Listening to my favourite playlist and preparing my final words.

 

[littlelungs]

Nowadays, I spend a good chunk of my waking hours taking care of my husband, who is severely ill. I grocery shop, prepare meds and supplements, clean, do laundry, cook and prepare meals, etc. I do the best I can, but my severe BPD/PTSD and ridiculous cocktail of spinal issues can make even the smallest of tasks, or "regular hardships" that come with life, extremely difficult to get through.

When I have some "me time", I like to knit, and I've been wanting to learn how to crochet, but lately I've been too depressed to do either of those things... so I've mainly just been spending my free time in bed doing more passive activities to escape my hell-hole of a mind, like learning new languages on Memrise and Duolingo, visiting SS, browsing Reddit, watching documentaries, journalling, and sleeping whenever I can.

 

[Broken]

My whole life is a nightmare. I destroyed everything good and have no social life and don't know how to get one again so I feel trapped. I destroyed my happiness at work but I'm to unmotivated now to get a new job so my career is fucked. I just bide my time waiting for payday so I can get off this planet, by chain smoking fags when I haven't got weed and watching pointless videos on youtube

 

[AhG]

Streaming
Music
And dangerous adventures that might lead to an "accidental" bus ride

 

[uiop]

I'd do anything to distract me from my thoughts. It used to be working, but I can't seem to find joy/motivation/concentration in that anymore. I'm afraid that it's because my depression and anxiety is getting worse. I also like to go for long drives, wasting gas, just so I can be alone with my thoughts. I enjoy going on journeys, and sometimes I wish I could take the train with no destination in mind just to stare out the window.

 

[turbofly3ddeath]

Waiting for n to arrive is painful as hell. As I dont work or do uni, my time is basically just sleeping the day away or watching horrible tv shows on netflix. I seem to have watched everything of interest. I find myself browsing this website alot too. Just trying to remind myself that it's 3 more weeks max till CTB

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

My normal day is very simple: wake up -> go to work -> work -> go home -> sleep.
Weekends are far more complicated as there is much more free time. Oddly for everyone but me, that's a bad thing. I take walks, roll cigarettes and try playing videogames. Videogames, only if my brain permits. Still, due to lack of set schedule, it's far worse than a work day. I tried setting up a schedule on my own, but it fails to keep hold.

 

[Empty Smile]

I bide my time by sitting outside and staring into the woods, knowing one day I'm going to be in the woods taking my final breath. My social life has been dead for about 5 years. So I sit here and drink, and chain smoke, usually hoping one of them will kill me.

 

[JadedGray]

Doing whatever I can to distract myself until the time comes. I try to sleep as long as possible. When I'm awake I usually just listen to music, watch movies and spend time with my dog. I used to read a lot, but my cognitive ability doesn't allow me to anymore and my vision isn't what it used to be, even with glasses. It's hard enough reading paragraphs on here let alone an entire book.