how do people expect me to get better in my state

[owarikigan]

i dont understand ; i have no friends, crippling avpd autism and social anxiety and everyone with the same interests as me somehow finds a way to harass or make me feel even more alienated, not to mention that i see rejection in most social situations and have no experience in being treated, seen and talked to like a person. i have no method of transportation and my only options to live with either have traits of bigoted, poor and neglectful, or abusive and even more neglectful. they don't believe i'm mentally ill because i decided to mask to protect myself since they abuse me every time i display illness. no one will hire me or get back to me for three years no matter what i try and what medium i'm on and my parents still blame me. they have insurance for me but gatekeep info from me so i can't get therapy or treatment on my own, free options are either scarce or unapplicable to me. i had to drop out of college because it was only doing harm to me; i was doing it to satiate my parents. i have no aspirations and feel like i'm only guiding an apathetic corpse every day. i stay locked in my room and draw or game alone while lurking places i wish i could be and people i wish i could be talking to and it feels like prison. my relationship is rocky right now which kills me with guilt but i know if i lose it i'll truly have no one else ever again, especially someone like them. i'm told to kill myself a lot by people who don't know me online, so now that my conditions are actually out there, at what point does someone read it and Then decide to tell me i'm doomed and need to kill myself

 

[NZkiwi]

i dont understand ; i have no friends, crippling avpd autism and social anxiety and everyone with the same interests as me somehow finds a way to harass or make me feel even more alienated, not to mention that i see rejection in most social situations and have no experience in being treated, seen and talked to like a person. i have no method of transportation and my only options to live with either have traits of bigoted, poor and neglectful, or abusive and even more neglectful. they don't believe i'm mentally ill because i decided to mask to protect myself since they abuse me every time i display illness. no one will hire me or get back to me for three years no matter what i try and what medium i'm on and my parents still blame me. they have insurance for me but gatekeep info from me so i can't get therapy or treatment on my own, free options are either scarce or unapplicable to me. i had to drop out of college because it was only doing harm to me; i was doing it to satiate my parents. i have no aspirations and feel like i'm only guiding an apathetic corpse every day. i stay locked in my room and draw or game alone while lurking places i wish i could be and people i wish i could be talking to and it feels like prison. my relationship is rocky right now which kills me with guilt but i know if i lose it i'll truly have no one else ever again, especially someone like them. i'm told to kill myself a lot by people who don't know me online, so now that my conditions are actually out there, at what point does someone read it and Then decide to tell me i'm doomed and need to kill myself

i called a friend yesterday and told them a little more about whats going on

i feel like on of the reasons i want to kull myself is i have no long term north star worth living for

he said, thats okay, dont need to have one all the time and can just live for now,


another friend i opened up to said, you got to focus on the small wins, we dont celebrate them

so i guess for now its dont worry about having a kong term go

focus on tbe small win

***

well done on posting and sharing your thoughts
helped me orocess mine

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