Maybe the answer is many of them end up committing suicide. I analyze the past semester and it was very insane. I was paranoid, anxious. extremely fragile the whole fucking semester. Mostly because college triggers the shit out of me and I had lessons early in the morning. Hopefully the morning lessons were the main reason because this is at least something I can change. I have deep pathological shame. I embarrassed myself in front of my crush. I crashed because of that shame during the semester which resluted in extreme mental agony. The whole semester was surreal. It was nightmarish and I fear that my mental decline continues. I would say hypervigilance fits to me. I am neurotic as fuck, sometimes I have psychotic symptoms, I have big anxiety, depression, sometimes manic symptoms. In the end I took way too many addictive medication in order to prevent a relapse. But it was still insane. The semester ruined my very good GPA.
Now I have holidays. The withdrawal symptoms are over. And I feel so much better. At college I always feel in an hyper alert mode. College triggers the shit out of me. Though it is my only chance to get a regular job everything else backfired. I would also lose my social contacts (which sort of trigger me though). Me and past therapists think I would not survive welfare. So I am forced to continue that game. In an empathetic society people like me would receive enough support to live a good life.
To be honest my nervous system is so utterly fucked. It is scary. I fear the next semester so much. The pain I was in was huge. And it seems like my brain protests more and more extreme undergoing this severe mental torment at college. I would be willed to continue no matter how horrible I feel. But it drives me closer and closer to the edge. A breakdown or addiction becomes more and more likely. I really don't know what to do. My family expects me to find a job. I tried so many ways to find a job and I am just unable to work. But I would like to get my degree to somewhat keep on the illusion to escape poverty. I am not willed to live in poverty. I would rather commit suicide. So this will probably be my only option.
Fuck my life! I take so many medication and my mental health is still a total mess.
Now I have holidays. The withdrawal symptoms are over. And I feel so much better. At college I always feel in an hyper alert mode. College triggers the shit out of me. Though it is my only chance to get a regular job everything else backfired. I would also lose my social contacts (which sort of trigger me though). Me and past therapists think I would not survive welfare. So I am forced to continue that game. In an empathetic society people like me would receive enough support to live a good life.
To be honest my nervous system is so utterly fucked. It is scary. I fear the next semester so much. The pain I was in was huge. And it seems like my brain protests more and more extreme undergoing this severe mental torment at college. I would be willed to continue no matter how horrible I feel. But it drives me closer and closer to the edge. A breakdown or addiction becomes more and more likely. I really don't know what to do. My family expects me to find a job. I tried so many ways to find a job and I am just unable to work. But I would like to get my degree to somewhat keep on the illusion to escape poverty. I am not willed to live in poverty. I would rather commit suicide. So this will probably be my only option.
Fuck my life! I take so many medication and my mental health is still a total mess.
Last edited:
