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snowlance

snowlance

Ticking Time Bomb
Sep 8, 2023
200
What the title says. I may have to soon or she may talk my grandma into kicking me out because I don't have rent for her yet. I just need a little more time to sell some of my stuff. If I move in with them again, I won't ctb on purpose, ill most likely have a panic attack and ctb when I'm not thinking straight and just want to escape. If I tell them they'll just call the cops on me like they always have in the past. I don't know what to do and I don't wanna have to ctb or worse, fail and end up in a psych ward. I heard so many horror stories about psych wards.
 
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S

SN drinker

-
Aug 13, 2023
37
You're their child. I think that unless they hate you very much, they will freak out no matter what you say.
 
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kunikuzushi

kunikuzushi

sause
Jan 24, 2023
167
I'm sorry you're trapped in that situation. I've been in something similar and it really is panic inducing. Is there any way you can tell your parents that it's a lot better for your mental health to live with your grandma and you will keep working hard on paying rent on time?
 
N

never mind me

Student
Nov 7, 2022
131
If you really can't stand the thought of moving back in with your parents could you maybe get an old car and live in your car? Or find some sort of shelter for homelesse people? Or crash on a friend's couch? Or maybe look at workaway and find some work for accomodation in some place far away and reorganise your life from there.
 
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snowlance

snowlance

Ticking Time Bomb
Sep 8, 2023
200
If you really can't stand the thought of moving back in with your parents could you maybe get an old car and live in your car? Or find some sort of shelter for homelesse people? Or crash on a friend's couch? Or maybe look at workaway and find some work for accomodation in some place far away and reorganise your life from there.
I do have a friend I used to mess around with that lives nearby, and a car, so I could do one of those in worse case scenario.
You're their child. I think that unless they hate you very much, they will freak out no matter what you say.
Yeah but me not moving in with them results in the highest chance of me living.
I'm sorry you're trapped in that situation. I've been in something similar and it really is panic inducing. Is there any way you can tell your parents that it's a lot better for your mental health to live with your grandma and you will keep working hard on paying rent on time?
I sent this to her, hopefully it's enough to keep her off my back for now so i have enough time to pay rent.
 

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C

CoffeeCrow

-
Sep 14, 2023
14
After reading the stuff on the screenshots I can only say I can empathize with your helplesness and that I hope you find relief soon, CTB or not. Seeing the suffering of others just reminds me of how absurd pro-lifers are.
 
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edu0z

edu0z

carried away by a moonlight shadow
Aug 25, 2021
552
I do have a friend I used to mess around with that lives nearby, and a car, so I could do one of those in worse case scenario.

Yeah but me not moving in with them results in the highest chance of me living.

I sent this to her, hopefully it's enough to keep her off my back for now so i have enough time to pay rent.
You're trying hard... I'm sorry something like this happened.

It's clear that you don't want to die, something horrible must have happened at your parents' house for you to not want to return.
 
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snowlance

snowlance

Ticking Time Bomb
Sep 8, 2023
200
You're trying hard... I'm sorry something like this happened.

It's clear that you don't want to die, something horrible must have happened at your parents' house for you to not want to return.
They try to "fix" me. And it's through force and kicking me out of the house or taking things away. They have rules for everything including helping with hard labor, and im so weak and fragile I can't do, but I'm told I can and to be a man why don't I have muscles. They pull open the curtains in the mornings and forcefully wake me up and yell, always question what I'm doing, what i haven't done yet, etc. They only see the bad in me too. They don't take my mental health seriously, especially my dad, he thinks i need to man up. I'm literally a femboy trying to become a girl. My brother's support me but its more like they just don't care and still deadname me and don't understand. They're super religious, they've tried to fix me several times my forcing me to go to church. Often say God will solve all my problems, it never does, just makes them worse. Also sitting in church makes me sick to my stomach. They control what I eat too, wouldn't buy sweets or anything unhealthy and I had to eat with them for dinner everytime which always comes with being bombarded with questions which makes my anxiety go up. I had anxiety attacks constantly, it never went away, and at least one panic attack every other day. They won't allow me to eat edibles, even though I've told them several times it helps with my anxiety and depression and helps me sleep. A few times they forced me off my medication because they figured they were the reason, but i ended up almost killing myself as a result of all the depression and stuff not being stable. They yell all the time, its always noisy. They're also in the middle of nowhere so there's no park i can go to, no escape to calm myself down. I really can't move in with them again, they have good intentions but they're killing me. Everytime I've lived with them my mental health got 10x worse, and then I'd find my own place for less than a year and have to move with them again, its an endless cycle and I'm afraid next time I'll ctb when I'm not myself anymore. Theres a lot of other things and trauma ive had to deal with there but i wont get into it here, maybe later. Living with them feels like torture, I feel so uncomfortable and have no privacy, have to sleep on the couch in the living room. I usually lose weight when there alot cuz I won't eat, I get so depressed, I only eat what my parents would consider normal enough for them and starved myself often. When I'm living alone I'm so much more happier but I can't work a normal job because of my anxiety. Sorry for the rant.
 
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edu0z

edu0z

carried away by a moonlight shadow
Aug 25, 2021
552
They try to "fix" me. And it's through force and kicking me out of the house or taking things away. They have rules for everything including helping with hard labor, and im so weak and fragile I can't do, but I'm told I can and to be a man why don't I have muscles. They pull open the curtains in the mornings and forcefully wake me up and yell, always question what I'm doing, what i haven't done yet, etc. They only see the bad in me too. They don't take my mental health seriously, especially my dad, he thinks i need to man up. I'm literally a femboy trying to become a girl. My brother's support me but its more like they just don't care and still deadname me and don't understand. They're super religious, they've tried to fix me several times my forcing me to go to church. Often say God will solve all my problems, it never does, just makes them worse. Also sitting in church makes me sick to my stomach. They control what I eat too, wouldn't buy sweets or anything unhealthy and I had to eat with them for dinner everytime which always comes with being bombarded with questions which makes my anxiety go up. I had anxiety attacks constantly, it never went away, and at least one panic attack every other day. They won't allow me to eat edibles, even though I've told them several times it helps with my anxiety and depression and helps me sleep. A few times they forced me off my medication because they figured they were the reason, but i ended up almost killing myself as a result of all the depression and stuff not being stable. They yell all the time, its always noisy. They're also in the middle of nowhere so there's no park i can go to, no escape to calm myself down. I really can't move in with them again, they have good intentions but they're killing me. Everytime I've lived with them my mental health got 10x worse, and then I'd find my own place for less than a year and have to move with them again, its an endless cycle and I'm afraid next time I'll ctb when I'm not myself anymore. Theres a lot of other things and trauma ive had to deal with there but i wont get into it here, maybe later. Living with them feels like torture, I feel so uncomfortable and have no privacy, have to sleep on the couch in the living room. I usually lose weight when there alot cuz I won't eat, I get so depressed, I only eat what my parents would consider normal enough for them and starved myself often. When I'm living alone I'm so much more happier but I can't work a normal job because of my anxiety. Sorry for the rant.
You are not sick so they have to "fix" you. I like the way you don't hold a grudge against your parents about it all, you even say that they have good intentions. You just want your own space and freedom, it takes a lot of emotional intelligence for that. I know your parents are very religious and from a different generation, but have you expressed your intentions to be a girl to them? you say that your brother supports you
 
snowlance

snowlance

Ticking Time Bomb
Sep 8, 2023
200
You are not sick so they have to "fix" you. I like the way you don't hold a grudge against your parents about it all, you even say that they have good intentions. You just want your own space and freedom, it takes a lot of emotional intelligence for that. I know your parents are very religious and from a different generation, but have you expressed your intentions to be a girl to them? you say that your brother supports you
I have come out to my mom and she said I'm like a different person, she won't know me anymore, she's not calling me a she, etc. And wouldn't keep talking about it for a week and I finally just told her It was a phase and I was just gay and liked cute and girly things and she barely accepts that now.
I plan to come out to them fully and say it's their decision if they want to still be in my life and respect my decision its on them, it'll take a lot, ill probably do it through text cuz im scared of them yelling and causing a panic attack but I have to wait until I'm on disability and living with my friend again, if I can even make it to there xd
 
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edu0z

edu0z

carried away by a moonlight shadow
Aug 25, 2021
552
I have come out to my mom and she said I'm like a different person, she won't know me anymore, she's not calling me a she, etc. And wouldn't keep talking about it for a week and I finally just told her It was a phase and I was just gay and liked cute and girly things and she barely accepts that now.
I plan to come out to them fully and say it's their decision if they want to still be in my life and respect my decision its on them, it'll take a lot, ill probably do it through text cuz im scared of them yelling and causing a panic attack but I have to wait until I'm on disability and living with my friend again, if I can even make it to there xd
I think you should take advantage now that you are not living at your parents' house to seek psychiatric care (medication helped me a lot with the panic attacks). I know the medication is expensive but isn't there any way you can work from your friend's house or have him help you with the money for the pills?...I'm sorry if I'm being very naive.

Being a homeless person is very hard, I have a friend whose parents died a couple of years ago (his father from cancer and his mother a while later from a car accident)... His disgusting and toxic family took over his house. saying that he was a thief and a drug addict (which of course he was not) leaving him and his brother on the street and since then it has been our job (his friends) to help him get ahead even though he works hard.
 
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snowlance

snowlance

Ticking Time Bomb
Sep 8, 2023
200
I think you should take advantage now that you are not living at your parents' house to seek psychiatric care (medication helped me a lot with the panic attacks). I know the medication is expensive but isn't there any way you can work from your friend's house or have him help you with the money for the pills?...I'm sorry if I'm being very naive.

Being a homeless person is very hard, I have a friend whose parents died a couple of years ago (his father from cancer and his mother a while later from a car accident)... His disgusting and toxic family took over his house. saying that he was a thief and a drug addict (which of course he was not) leaving him and his brother on the street and since then it has been our job (his friends) to help him get ahead even though he works hard.
That's so horrible, how is he doing now?
Update: I had a talk with her at breakfast and she wants me to try working a full time job again, I told her I cant but she wants me to try it. I probably won't, but said I'll look into it. Everytime I told her about my problems, my depression is winning, etc. She'd say something like "don't let it" "don't let it win, fight it" and she won't accept that when I have panic attacks i shut down and can't think straight and get really sick physically and mentally. She thinks there's always a solution. Even told her about some of the reasons I don't want to move in, like her yelling in the morning to get me up, and she's like "you need to have a schedule though, a routine everyday and be productive and go outside" and I just gave up xd
 
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dialogos

dialogos

Experienced
Jul 5, 2023
266
Don't go back. Living in a car then using your grandmother's and friend's bathroom (pay a bit) might be better for your health. You're parents mean well but don't have the capacity to be open minded and lack humility to acknowledge what they know might not be right for you. They've become inflexible. Its their habit to make noise coz silence is awkward for them.
 
O

Oncologynurz123

Member
Dec 16, 2021
46
You're trying hard... I'm sorry something like this happened.

It's clear that you don't want to die, something horrible must have happened at your parents' house for you to not want to return.
I agree. You don't really want to die. You just need a leg up in life, someone who cares to support you. Don't ever cbt for the wrong reasons. Hmm, I'm facing jail and a host of other shit. Maybe I should take my own advice into consideration? Lol
 

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