They try to "fix" me. And it's through force and kicking me out of the house or taking things away. They have rules for everything including helping with hard labor, and im so weak and fragile I can't do, but I'm told I can and to be a man why don't I have muscles. They pull open the curtains in the mornings and forcefully wake me up and yell, always question what I'm doing, what i haven't done yet, etc. They only see the bad in me too. They don't take my mental health seriously, especially my dad, he thinks i need to man up. I'm literally a femboy trying to become a girl. My brother's support me but its more like they just don't care and still deadname me and don't understand. They're super religious, they've tried to fix me several times my forcing me to go to church. Often say God will solve all my problems, it never does, just makes them worse. Also sitting in church makes me sick to my stomach. They control what I eat too, wouldn't buy sweets or anything unhealthy and I had to eat with them for dinner everytime which always comes with being bombarded with questions which makes my anxiety go up. I had anxiety attacks constantly, it never went away, and at least one panic attack every other day. They won't allow me to eat edibles, even though I've told them several times it helps with my anxiety and depression and helps me sleep. A few times they forced me off my medication because they figured they were the reason, but i ended up almost killing myself as a result of all the depression and stuff not being stable. They yell all the time, its always noisy. They're also in the middle of nowhere so there's no park i can go to, no escape to calm myself down. I really can't move in with them again, they have good intentions but they're killing me. Everytime I've lived with them my mental health got 10x worse, and then I'd find my own place for less than a year and have to move with them again, its an endless cycle and I'm afraid next time I'll ctb when I'm not myself anymore. Theres a lot of other things and trauma ive had to deal with there but i wont get into it here, maybe later. Living with them feels like torture, I feel so uncomfortable and have no privacy, have to sleep on the couch in the living room. I usually lose weight when there alot cuz I won't eat, I get so depressed, I only eat what my parents would consider normal enough for them and starved myself often. When I'm living alone I'm so much more happier but I can't work a normal job because of my anxiety. Sorry for the rant.
