how do i stop wanting to die?

[uniqueusername39]

i have one thing i look forward to (meeting my significant other a year from now). i have a reason to live. but i still want to die. how do i stop wanting to die? it's all i want despite the good things. i want it because every day is intolerably mundane and meaningless. i go to work and sleep. my reasons for wanting to leave are entirely existential, i don't have any other problems in my life. i used to have plenty of hobbies. i don't care about them anymore. i can't care about them anymore. i want to do this. but a part of me wonders if life would be better if i didn't want to do this. but i can't not want it. what do i do?

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I'm in the same existential boat. It's kind of weird, kind of looking forward to things but also feeling like, if I were to just die, I wouldn't really miss anything, because dead people don't have wants or needs.

The way I'm dealing with it is trying to find something meaningful to do with my time here. Something that makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile with my life, regardless of outside expectations of what I "should" be doing. I had a bit of an existential crisis a few months back, after getting a pretty decent job in my field. It's not easy to get an opportunity in this field, but as soon as I started the job I felt a sort of dread I had never felt before, thinking about the possibility of spending my life doing this (in the grand scheme of things) utterly meaningless work. So I quit. I went back to an unrelated job I started doing during the pandemic, a self-employed kind of deal. There is no job safety of any kind, but it's a lot more bearable, so I'm making it work. My longer-term goal is to switch careers into something completely different, that I actually feel could make a difference. I'm in that process right now, considering my options, and hoping to go back to school once again this year.

Of course, your circumstances are probably different, but I think the same kind of strategy could be helpful. Trying to find something meaningful, something that you feel like it would be worth your time and effort. Therapy has helped me a lot in that regard. There are some tough choices to be made down the road, but I think that, since I'm already here, I may as well give it a try. I still feel like I'll end up checking out at some point in the future, but for now there are some things that I want to try, to see if I can get some meaning out of them. Offing myself is always an option, but for now I want to try other things.

So, after all this rambling, I guess my advice would be "try to find something that's meaningful to you, and go for it". I am a fan of therapy because it has helped me quite a bit, so I suggest giving it a try if you haven't and is within your means. But, in general, you need to think long and hard about what really matters to you, and then do what you can to focus your energy on that.

 

[guayabas]

If you truly don't have any other problems, it sounds like it could def be a chemical imbalance thing. I would say medication could be a huge help for you. Assuming you're not already on medication and have access to mental health care <3

 

[SolidDiscovery]

I hear you. it can feel like an empty pit weighing you down everywhere you go. however, my advice would be to try new things. break that cycle of living life on auto-pilot doing the same things. it doesn't have to mean spending lots of money or taking time off work etc etc, but something simple like going for a drive with the windows down and music blasting, maybe having a dance party in your bathroom for 5 minutes. Write down the good things about your days and make an effort to write something different each day - if you can't think of anything different, maybe do something like what I suggested earlier!
I also think that realizing that life is fluid and things change (even after looooong periods of it feeling the same) made me feel more hopeful. I've struggled with depression and other things since I was a young child, but just like my average mood changed from being a happy, carefree kid to being severely depressed, it can change the opposite way as well. I won't lie, I'd advise finding community somewhere other than SaSu as it is geared toward those who want to CTB and spending lots of time reading threads like that can make one feel increasingly similar. Not that there isn't valuable community on this site (I mean I'm on it too), but different perspectives can offer you a more encouragement in your recovery journey. It is possible to recover and it is possible for those thoughts to go away, I promise. It is so worth it. Sending all love and hope for your future <3

 

[jdog2498]

You've got to figure out why you want to, and then deal with that instead. It's hard because there is not really anything for suicidal people. There are new ketamine and testerone clinics, but I think they cost upwards of $1000 per visit. Talk therapy is limited in it's ability to help others, because it's an ineffective treatment for major depression and anxiety. Talk based clinics are hugely expensive and I think a somewhat corrupt industry. We don't have a treatment because people despite their best intentions, do not understand the cause of major depression. I would personally ignore the problem like most of us do, I think trying to fix it is going down a rabbit hole that doesn't have answers or potentially even harmful ones.

 

[angeliccry]

don't be dependent on people or your ideas of them, you should find something to keep yourself busy, to find meaning if you will. do something you enjoy, find it if you don't already know what it is. find the true meaning of life, let yourself see it's beauty. don't give up on the battle within yourself, struggle is needed in order to progress, take your time and most importantly, take care.

 

[ptolemaea]

i haven't found a way to stop the desire to die, but i've found ways to keep myself alive a little longer. i have a stack of books i still haven't finished, and i can't die until i've done that. i can't die until i know how my favourite show will end. i still have things i'd like to do, movies i'd like to watch, and books i'd like to read. my favourite bands and musicians have albums coming out soon. i've never been to a concert, or been in a relationship, and i'd like to experience both before i die. i'd like to learn an instrument as well. i wouldn't say i'm happy, but i am alive. and as long as i'm alive there is at least the chance i could, someday, be happy. none of these things are particularly lofty goals, but they've kept me around up until now.