Discussion how do i stop wanting to be other people/be liked by other people and start wanting to be me?

[monetpompo]

for a long time now i've felt like a not very good person. i've felt like nothing, so a part of me believes that i deserve to die and the feeling gets stronger when i'm purposeless and alone. i want to escape the feeling of being alone so badly that i'd rather die, because i can't be liked for the way i am if i'm alive. i'm just not enough for people if i'm alive.

i still think that i'm going to kill myself, just because i feel afraid of how big the world is and how small i am. the possibility looms over my head even on days where i don't feel completely anxious and not miserable. it's just hard for me to feel like a human being when i love others so much more than i love myself, and i feel like i don't exist if there aren't people around me or if i'm not constantly being told that i am loved. i've been pulling myself apart because i wanted to make a conscious effort to feel bad about myself, so that i can die and don't have to try anymore. it's awful to be aware that's you're in a death spiral but be unable to die. i feel such a clear ache when i wake up, because i have people i can reach out to but no one i can see or ask to hang out with. i feel alone a lot of the time, like even if i reach out to people that know me i'm not talking to someone, because i can't break out of the mindset that i can't be liked by anyone in the first place. i feel like such a tiring person and like i'm incapable of living for myself. i really want to be liked by others, but then i run away from them. i don't know why i run away from people if i want to be liked. i've been doing this since i was a young kid and anytime i acknowledge that i'm doing it i just feel sick to my stomach.

all anyone ever tells me is to get a job. i know i'm supposed to get a job, and i'll get one once i get my license, but i don't know what to do with myself right now. i'm self aware but that never helps me. i'm just aware that i'm doing the same thing i do with every relationship and trying to end it because i don't feel good enough. having friends that i don't feel close to just reaffirms my belief that i'm not someone people care about, even if people do care about me. i keep on putting myself down and making people uncomfortable because they don't want to be the ones to deal with it, but there's no one to pass it onto. i feel like i can't be a human correctly.

 

[DaisiesRegrets]

I relate to this all to much sadly, the need for human companionship while also simultaneously seeking isolation because of the fear and anxiety that relationships cause. It's not hard to say that my favorite memories involve the presence of others, however my worse memories also share the same stipulation. That feeling of being born wired wrong is something which I wish I knew how to correct. Usually I just take substances in order to dull my feelings, but that's not a healthy means of escaping anything, I also can't rely on something which could potentially be gone at any point due to a lack of funds. The same could be said for people, but I truly need people. They are the greatest drug, it feels as if you could even overdose on human companionship. However it's also the hardest drug to obtain, and even harder to keep. I wish I had the answer to your question, but I've been looking for the same answer my entire life, and I haven't found anything. The only thing that sort of helped is realizing how shitty a lot of people are, makes me think that maybe I'm not the worst. However this is also a double edged blade, because if these shitheads have people that love them, then what's wrong me? I hope you're able to find the answer to your question, and good luck on getting your license. You can do it, even someone as shitty as me did and it's truly liberating.

 

[Hibiki]

this was a hard read because of how much i saw myself in it, lol. i'm also still searching for the answer, but i think what helped me the most was utilizing my artistry and turning myself into a character of sorts. i don't know if i always like this character, but i know that she represents me/who i am, or at least who i'd like to be if i were in an anime or something. she has certain moods and personality traits; she looks a certain way; i could imagine the types of people who'd relate to her. no matter who you think you are, someone would be able to relate to you. even the saddest, most shameful characters have their fans. i also value finding hobbies/interests. they're good distractions and they add to my character.
is it unhealthy for me to live in this idealized world of fiction? maybe, but it keeps me alive.

actually, i should redraw her now that her latest design is five months old...

 

[continuing]

Ive read you post, and others as well, im really sorry you feel like this, and its a drag i relate to this specially you saying about the human beings, what i can say to you is that, even thought you think no one can love you by the way you are, theres always someone there, i know is cliche but, its kinda true, is just a matter of finding and most important open yourself to them, let them see your ugly and shameful sides, for some, that is the sides that people will love about you, i know is strange but is possible for people to love you all, even the parts you dont like about yourself.

I also don't know how to be a human being, i just feel ive born with something broken or missing, is like my brain crave to make me feel miserable, and i dont like having feelings to deal with..., being here writting this somehow, helps me a little, i really hope you to be well.