Help How do I Speedrun moving on from a crush?

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well it's time for this thread. I put it in recovery because technically it could help me but I still have CTB as an option on the table in case this fails or leads to something worse than failure.

Basically I decided to go back on quitting my job and will stay but going forward I want to at least reduce the awkwardness between me and my crush and apparently from what I've heard that's all she wants as well. Even though she might not feel the same way about me she apparently wants to become friends with me or at least amicable coworkers. As shocking as that is given how evil I am, I really do want to try to at least make her wish possible by working and reducing the awkwardness by getting over her and seeing her as just another person.

Unfortunately, moving on is impossible for me, at least within a reasonable time frame. The last time I liked someone this much was almost 9 years ago. I don't have another 9 years to move on. Being a 39 year old kissless dateless virgin sounds even worse than being a 30 year old inexperienced loser.

So my question to you, the viewer, is how do I move on? Keep in mind I'm the kind of sucker that cannot move until I have somewhere to move to. I am already too scared and nervous to really talk to my crush much, how can I even hope to conquer any amount of fear? How do I find someone else in such a short time span?

I will also refuse to accept stupid cliche answers like "go to the gym bro" or "get on the dating apps bro" or "learn to love yourself first", "go to therapy," etc. All of those are things I've already tried and with zero success. In some cases, these things just made it worse.

Theoretically if I did find someone new who actually likes me this time I would hope I could move on easily from my current crush but maybe I really can't and this is another fruitless pointless recovery thread by me.

 

[damyon]

So my question to you, the viewer, is how do I move on? Keep in mind I'm the kind of sucker that cannot move until I have somewhere to move to. I am already too scared and nervous to really talk to my crush much, how can I even hope to conquer any amount of fear? How do I find someone else in such a short time span?

You've kind of answered your own question — finding a replacement can help. There are 4b females (or 8b people if you swing both ways), so try talking to others and see if something develops. Also, put yourself out there more so others can see you (not on dating apps, where you won't get to choose; only women do, you will at most get to settle).
Invest in yourself (your looks); people do not care about the substance.

Does this help in any way?

~~~
Therapy/gym/"loving yourself" are cope for losers, agree.

 

[Ambivalent1]

By finding another

 

[wCvML2]

Maybe this is bs advice because I still needed time to pass regardless to fully move on but I'll explain it anyways. To move on from past crushes I analyzed which specific attributes attracted me towards them and tried implanting or embodying them in myself to not feel any sort of deprivation. For example, if I was attracted to the attribute 'funny' in someone, it reflected how stressed I was at the time and how my subconscious mind wanted to balance out my life by using that person to include more humor in my own life. To move on, I had to implement whatever thing that attracted me towards them in another way that doesn't involve them, and in this case I watched more light hearted tv shows such as 'friends' or 'community' in my spare time. By filling in the void that made you experience the crush you might be able to move on quicker.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Maybe this is bs advice because I still needed time to pass regardless to fully move on but I'll explain it anyways. To move on from past crushes I analyzed which specific attributes attracted me towards them and tried implanting or embodying them in myself to not feel any sort of deprivation. For example, if I was attracted to the attribute 'funny' in someone, it reflected how stressed I was at the time and how my subconscious mind wanted to balance out my life by using that person to include more humor in my own life. To move on, I had to implement whatever thing that attracted me towards them in another way that doesn't involve them, and in this case I watched more light hearted tv shows such as 'friends' or 'community' in my spare time. By filling in the void that made you experience the crush you might be able to move on quicker.

This is really good stuff. I think what attracted me to her at first besides her physical traits was her interest in music. I guess that already makes me doomed on arrival because I only listen to video game music but I think at the time I thought maybe it would be really nice if I could be with someone who I can share my tastes with and since she studies music in college she'd potentially be more open minded than an average person would. Maybe she could have even recommended me more mainstream stuff too.

Unfortunately another reason I think I came to like her was because I thought she was showing signs of liking me first. I guess I was wrong but I have no idea how to intentionally go for this in the future. I guess I'm attracted when someone shows interest in me. Who knew? :/

You've kind of answered your own question — finding a replacement can help. There are 4b females (or 8b people if you swing both ways), so try talking to others and see if something develops. Also, put yourself out there more so others can see you (not on dating apps, where you won't get to choose; only women do, you will at most get to settle).
Invest in yourself (your looks); people do not care about the substance.

People already say my looks are pretty good (though I disagree). I don't think changing my looks will change my confidence, or lack thereof, which I'm sure is partly the real reason I've been single my whole life. I'm also pretty bad at talking to strangers until they talk to me.

 

[damyon]

I don't think changing my looks will change my confidence, or lack thereof, which I'm sure is partly the real reason I've been single my whole life. I'm also pretty bad at talking to strangers until they talk to me.

You can display something that reflects your interests, like a Muppets phone case or a pin. This signals your interests to others, and they might approach you because of it.

You can also showcase your resources, such as money, cars, watches, restaurants, or trips. The more impressive, the better. (I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the point.) People naturally gravitate toward those who have something they desire.

People already say my looks are pretty good (though I disagree)

Do those people have any reason to lie to you? People can be insincere.
if you're not a model or an influencer making money off your looks, it's possible you're just average.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

You can display something that reflects your interests, like a Muppets phone case or a pin. This signals your interests to others, and they might approach you because of it.

I surprisingly don't have much Muppets merch but I do wear a lot of Sonic related clothing when I can but all of my interests are pretty geared towards kids so I doubt they'd be helpful in that regard.

You can also showcase your resources, such as money, cars, watches, restaurants, or trips. The more impressive, the better. (I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the point.) People naturally gravitate toward those who have something they desire.

Unfortunately I don't have much to flex in this regard either. I'm probably better off than the average American but that's basically poverty for the average Silicon Valley Californian, which is where I live. Around here six figures is middle class and I definitely make less than that.

Do those people have any reason to lie to you? People can be insincere.
if you're not a model or an influencer making money off your looks, it's possible you're just average.

I don't know if they're lying on purpose. They very well could be. It's more likely they're just too stupid to notice all my physical flaws. I think my chances would honestly be better if I really were average In looks. Literally the only thing I can't contest about my appearance is my 6 ft in height but even that can still be overshadowed by having other taller people around me.

 

[damyon]

all of my interests are pretty geared towards kids so I doubt they'd be helpful in that regard.

What makes you think adults do not enjoy sonic?
You want to attract someone with the same interests as you. Just don't go overboard with the merch.

I don't know if they're lying on purpose.

If they are in your close circle, they are most definitely lying.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

What makes you think adults do not enjoy sonic?
You want to attract someone with the same interests as you. Just don't go overboard with the merch.

Idk I think from my perspective even I would be sus of someone wearing all the things I like so I still wouldn't approach them. I don't really dress to be approached in general though.

If they are in your close circle, they are most definitely lying.

Yeah true. Don't know why they'd feel the need to lie though. I get told similar things from people I'm less close to though like coworkers or even people I've met for the first time have instantly complimented my appearance for some reason. Maybe they're all in on the plot though.

 

[damyon]

Idk I think from my perspective even I would be sus of someone wearing all the things I like so I still wouldn't approach them.

To catch a thief, you must think like a thief.

You can try it and see if it makes a difference (in terms of engagement).

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

So my question to you, the viewer, is how do I move on? Keep in mind I'm the kind of sucker that cannot move until I have somewhere to move to. I am already too scared and nervous to really talk to my crush much, how can I even hope to conquer any amount of fear? How do I find someone else in such a short time span?

Strip club?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Strip club?

I don't really see how that's going to help me though it is something that has been suggested to me before.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

I don't really see how that's going to help me though it is something that has been suggested to me before.

Have you been there before?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Have you been there before?

No but I imagine it would be quite awkward going there whether I'm alone or with friends and I don't see how paying to see women I can't even touch and feel no emotional attachment towards is going to help me move on either. Even if I found anyone there physically attractive that just might make me feel more lonely somehow.

 

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

Let the time pass and forget it with escapism. When it comes to your mind, think she wasn't for you in the first place if she wasn't interested in you in the first place.

Somebody already suggested it but trying to find another is good choice too. Having a hobby with some interaction irl if energy/motivation/money might help with finding another woman. I don't know what your true interests are (besides from films/animation/writing maybe, am I right?) but you could search for a local community for your interests from internet and start there. There might be a chance for meeting women there (though it might be harder in some cases like video games etc.) If you happen to live in or nearby a city, there's a chance you could find a community for niche/specific topic of interest too.

Maybe not the best advices but hope something helps you out!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Let the time pass and forget it with escapism. When it comes to your mind, think she wasn't for you in the first place if she wasn't interested in you in the first place.

The minimum time that will need to pass by waiting is eight years and I just don't have that much time I can hardly even bear a few weeks of this.

Somebody already suggested it but trying to find another is good choice too. Having a hobby with some interaction irl if energy/motivation/money might help with finding another woman. I don't know what your true interests are (besides from films/animation/writing maybe, am I right?) but you could search for a local community for your interests from internet and start there. There might be a chance for meeting women there (though it might be harder in some cases like video games etc.) If you happen to live in or nearby a city, there's a chance you could find a community for niche/specific topic of interest too.

Maybe not the best advices but hope something helps you out!

Yeah I tried to get into rollerblading but it turns out I'm not physically capable of it at all plus I don't have enough time to go out much because when I'm not at work I'm forced to stay and care for my mentally disabled sister. And even when I'm free from her, I end up just being so tired I can't manage much besides hanging out with friends and playing video games.

You're right that my hobbies are mostly just consuming games, shows, and movies. I've dabbled in writing and drawing and even music making but I genuinely suck and lack the mental capacity to take it further.

Getting into a community with the intent of finding a lady to move onto also sounds really suspicious too so I don't think I'll be able to do that.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Bump.

Please. Could somebody help me? Even after I had a brutal panic attack breakdown last week in front of her and knowing she may have been completely hurt by me being anxious around her is killing me. This ain't about me anymore. I have to move on for her sake but I just don't know how.

 

[sos]

quit your job

as much as you might hate the typical answers, they're all being said because of the fact that you'll be distracted from the current situation you're in

you can't continue living your life without filling the gap that's being left by her

so you can either find a distraction, quit your job or simply hope that you'll wake up one day w/o having a crush on her

downloading a dating app isn't even such a bad idea, keep in mind that you don't actually have to go on dates right away, you can simply stick to chatting in the beginning

but there's way more options, but they all lead to one thing & that's to distract yourself (move on)

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Do you have a good male friend or two you can go out for a few drinks with on the weekend? I think what you need is a way to talk to more women irl - get away from your crush, reduce your screen time, and learn how to unwind a bit and talk to people. The thing is, if someone likes you, they'll make it easy for you, and if not, you'll get all kinds of headwinds and roadblocks. So to my mind, it's time to let this girl go, even if it feels like the hardest thing ever.

I think ideally you need to broaden your horizons and hopefully make up for lost time - many people find their way socially in high school or university, and maybe you didn't exactly bloom back then, which means it's high time you did so now. And you definitely still can. You're around 30 which is a good place to be. But I do think you need to break free of the one-itis situation you're in and talk to new people consistently. I myself wouldn't bother with dating apps though. They're difficult to make work, even for good looking guys.

For men in your situation, the world can feel like a vastly better place with even a modicum of success with someone. So I think you need to get out there and have a fun environment around you at bars and such. Just start small - I remember in my teens (in Europe) just striking up conversation with people when ordering a drink at the bar or whatever. It's really a case of practice, and there's no way around it really either, because you do have to meet other people - and improve your networking skills. And don't go out with the sole intention of meeting someone. Just hang with your friends for the most part and practice being loose. It's important you have fun, first and foremost. That's when the improved comfort level kicks in, and that in turn makes everything easier when you do get talking to a woman.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

#1 NO.... Would be strip clubs.
As was previously mentioned. Unless you have money the girls aren't interested and it isn't real.
Strip clubs for me is an ick... Thats just my opinion. What ladies are going there to meet guys?

I'm not even a bar guy anymore but going out with friends to socialize would be good. As @Angst Filled Fuck Up mentioned.
You don't have to meet someone right now. Just help get your mind off her. Go out more than once. See how often your friends want to go out. Doesn't have to be all the time.
Also just because she isn't into Sonic or gaming doesn't mean some other girl wouldn't be.

You could change the way you dress at work but that wouldn't be you. I think it is better to be who you are normally.
Instead of trying to be someone you aren't.

Since you are into gaming, what about a comicon... Or one that is for gaming. Without looking it up. I'm sure there has to be something like that.
Also anime/manga is popular with men and women. (I'm sure you know this)

I don't think it's a good idea to date a coworker anyway. If things go south, you still have to work together.

Also... Since to there are 4b women, I don't think you have to "swing both ways".
For me. It would be just double the rejection.

Some google suggestions....

#1 was the dating apps so I skipped that one & 6 was bars/clubs/parties.

2. Local Events & Meetups
Most cities don't leave their singles all alone hanging in the wind — most offer singles events and groups for everything from hiking, gaming, and mixology to watching movies, practicing karate, knitting, and kickball, among other things. You're guaranteed to meet people if you sign up for some of these activities.

3. Volunteering Opportunities
Nonprofits, charities, shelters, churches, and other organizations usually welcome all the help they can get, so if philanthropy is an interest of yours, try volunteering. You're killing two birds with one stone because you're making a difference in your community, and you're connecting with people who have shared beliefs and lifestyles.

4. Adult Classes & Educational Programs
We continue to become more well-rounded people if we keep learning even after we've graduated high school and/or college. That's why we recommend that singles sign up for some educational classes in their area — not only to add a new skill set to their repertoire but also to come together with other interesting people.

5. Co-Ed Sports Leagues
Practically every community college, university, rec league, and other similar organization has a variety of co-ed and/or intramural sports teams for softball, swimming, Ultimate Frisbee, flag football, lacrosse, hockey (both ice and street), etc. Again, Google really comes in handy here. In your search, include the sport you like, your city, and the word "co-ed" or "intramural." You'll have so many options that you won't know what to do with yourself.

Really wish you the best. I don't think you are evil.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

Is there a reason you are not in therapy yet? FYI unlike with other types of specialists, you don't need a referral to see a therapist here in California, you can just go to one without it (even when using insurance). Alma and PsychToday are great sites to find one, that let you filter by insurance type. That is more likely to help you than anything else. I've seen some honestly concerning things in your posts, like an apparent obsession with white women and perhaps much younger women as well from what you're saying here, that she's a college kid while you are in your 30s. It comes off as self-hating and a little predatory, which I think you recognize to some degree by calling yourself "evil." You are not "evil" though, it just sounds like you maybe have an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder. With therapy, you can find out what the root of these fixations/biases are and work on reversing them. If you don't tackle the root of the problem, even if you get over this girl, the same thing will just keep happening with new people.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

quit your job

as much as you might hate the typical answers, they're all being said because of the fact that you'll be distracted from the current situation you're in

you can't continue living your life without filling the gap that's being left by her

so you can either find a distraction, quit your job or simply hope that you'll wake up one day w/o having a crush on her

downloading a dating app isn't even such a bad idea, keep in mind that you don't actually have to go on dates right away, you can simply stick to chatting in the beginning

but there's way more options, but they all lead to one thing & that's to distract yourself (move on)

I would quit my job but I already tried and was somehow roped back in because the benefits are still quite good plus I had no success in finding another job yet. Distracting myself has helped a little, but it has its limits unfortunately.

Do you have a good male friend or two you can go out for a few drinks with on the weekend? I think what you need is a way to talk to more women irl - get away from your crush, reduce your screen time, and learn how to unwind a bit and talk to people. The thing is, if someone likes you, they'll make it easy for you, and if not, you'll get all kinds of headwinds and roadblocks. So to my mind, it's time to let this girl go, even if it feels like the hardest thing ever.

I think ideally you need to broaden your horizons and hopefully make up for lost time - many people find their way socially in high school or university, and maybe you didn't exactly bloom back then, which means it's high time you did so now. And you definitely still can. You're around 30 which is a good place to be. But I do think you need to break free of the one-itis situation you're in and talk to new people consistently. I myself wouldn't bother with dating apps though. They're difficult to make work, even for good looking guys.

For men in your situation, the world can feel like a vastly better place with even a modicum of success with someone. So I think you need to get out there and have a fun environment around you at bars and such. Just start small - I remember in my teens (in Europe) just striking up conversation with people when ordering a drink at the bar or whatever. It's really a case of practice, and there's no way around it really either, because you do have to meet other people - and improve your networking skills. And don't go out with the sole intention of meeting someone. Just hang with your friends for the most part and practice being loose. It's important you have fun, first and foremost. That's when the improved comfort level kicks in, and that in turn makes everything easier when you do get talking to a woman.

I haven't had much time to hang out with my friends lately. These days I mostly hang out with my youngest sister, the non autistic one. All we do is run errands together or sometimes see movies. I would say I have five close friends right now. Three of them are guys and two are girls. One lives in Canada although he is about to move back next week so I may get to hang out with him again hopefully. Another lives in Central California which is about an hour and a half away so we only hang on special occasions like his birthday that he had earlier this month. The other three friends live in the same area as me and are one male and two females. The male is always busy because he gets stretched so thin between so many other different friend groups. My two female friends are the ones I hang out with the most but we usually only get to maybe hang out every once in a while because our schedules are so conflicting. One of them is a staffer for nurses and doctors so she works really late hours which means even on her days off she has a horrid sleep schedule. I'm not interested in either of them romantically but we do have fun together when we hang out. Sometimes my sister even joins the three of us. They have offered to take me to a bar in order to help me meet other girls but we have yet to have had any good opportunities for that. I'm not sure exactly how this would work in practice though. Another unfortunate thing is when I do end up drinking, I also tend to forget everything. Usually when I hang out with any of my friends we end up just going to milk tea places or restaurants instead of bars though.

#1 NO.... Would be strip clubs.
As was previously mentioned. Unless you have money the girls aren't interested and it isn't real.
Strip clubs for me is an ick... Thats just my opinion. What ladies are going there to meet guys?

I'm not even a bar guy anymore but going out with friends to socialize would be good. As @Angst Filled Fuck Up mentioned.
You don't have to meet someone right now. Just help get your mind off her. Go out more than once. See how often your friends want to go out. Doesn't have to be all the time.
Also just because she isn't into Sonic or gaming doesn't mean some other girl wouldn't be.

You could change the way you dress at work but that wouldn't be you. I think it is better to be who you are normally.
Instead of trying to be someone you aren't.

Since you are into gaming, what about a comicon... Or one that is for gaming. Without looking it up. I'm sure there has to be something like that.
Also anime/manga is popular with men and women. (I'm sure you know this)

I don't think it's a good idea to date a coworker anyway. If things go south, you still have to work together.

Also... Since to there are 4b women, I don't think you have to "swing both ways".
For me. It would be just double the rejection.

Some google suggestions....

#1 was the dating apps so I skipped that one & 6 was bars/clubs/parties.

2. Local Events & Meetups
Most cities don't leave their singles all alone hanging in the wind — most offer singles events and groups for everything from hiking, gaming, and mixology to watching movies, practicing karate, knitting, and kickball, among other things. You're guaranteed to meet people if you sign up for some of these activities.

3. Volunteering Opportunities
Nonprofits, charities, shelters, churches, and other organizations usually welcome all the help they can get, so if philanthropy is an interest of yours, try volunteering. You're killing two birds with one stone because you're making a difference in your community, and you're connecting with people who have shared beliefs and lifestyles.

4. Adult Classes & Educational Programs
We continue to become more well-rounded people if we keep learning even after we've graduated high school and/or college. That's why we recommend that singles sign up for some educational classes in their area — not only to add a new skill set to their repertoire but also to come together with other interesting people.

5. Co-Ed Sports Leagues
Practically every community college, university, rec league, and other similar organization has a variety of co-ed and/or intramural sports teams for softball, swimming, Ultimate Frisbee, flag football, lacrosse, hockey (both ice and street), etc. Again, Google really comes in handy here. In your search, include the sport you like, your city, and the word "co-ed" or "intramural." You'll have so many options that you won't know what to do with yourself.

Really wish you the best. I don't think you are evil.

I wonder where I could find these meetups. My experience with them from anime conventions has been getting my applications rejected because there were too many male applicants. When it comes to outside hobbies and such I'm still a little afraid that getting into a class or community just to meet women will be seen as creepy which it very well could be. I can't think of any such activities that I would want to pursue for the sake of the activity itself. I've been to anime conventions before but usually when I go to these I'm just there to have fun with my friends and maybe buy some merchandise. I'm sure every woman there is not there to meet someone so I don't bother in approaching them.

Is there a reason you are not in therapy yet? FYI unlike with other types of specialists, you don't need a referral to see a therapist here in California, you can just go to one without it (even when using insurance). Alma and PsychToday are great sites to find one, that let you filter by insurance type. That is more likely to help you than anything else. I've seen some honestly concerning things in your posts, like an apparent obsession with white women and perhaps much younger women as well from what you're saying here, that she's a college kid while you are in your 30s. It comes off as self-hating and a little predatory, which I think you recognize to some degree by calling yourself "evil." You are not "evil" though, it just sounds like you maybe have an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder. With therapy, you can find out what the root of these fixations/biases are and work on reversing them. If you don't tackle the root of the problem, even if you get over this girl, the same thing will just keep happening with new people.

I had a therapist last month. We only had two sessions though before I think she gave up on me. I will see if I could potentially get another one though through my doctor. They already referred me to a psychiatrist as well as a behavioral health specialist which I guess could count as a therapist?

Also my crush in question may still be going to college but she's already 25, maybe 26 by now since December was when she told me her age. I do see how my posts are very concerning. I don't see how me having a preference for white women is too concerning though. My first crush from elementary school was an Asian woman. It took me nine years to get over her but I should have seen all along that she never liked me because my grades were too poor and I wasn't studying to be a doctor. Speaking as an Asian, I actually think me preferring white women should be considered closer to settling down and lowering my standards while going for other Asian women would be shooting too high since they seem to be way more sought after by other men who see them as superior. As for the other races, you got me there. If I feel no attraction for them that could probably be an unfortunate thing that proves how awful of a person I am. I feel like the preference though just stems from my experience knowing that white women are the only ones who have directly shown interest in me that I have also felt attraction towards even though it didn't work out between me and them. Perhaps I am chasing the previous love interests but I don't see myself changing this preference unfortunately.

It's true that I probably need more therapy at this point but the last one giving up on me wasn't a good sign at all. I think this therapist thought I was going to be easy to cure for some reason but when I proved not to be she backed off.

Thank you all for your advice though. I genuinely hope I get to put any of this advice into action though unfortunately I don't seem to have any idea where to actually begin with enacting any of these recommendations. I'm also still open to any other ideas if there are any.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I don't see how me having a preference for white women is too concerning though. My first crush from elementary school was an Asian woman. It took me nine years to get over her but I should have seen all along that she never liked me because my grades were too poor and I wasn't studying to be a doctor. Speaking as an Asian, I actually think me preferring white women should be considered closer to settling down and lowering my standards while going for other Asian women would be shooting too high since they seem to be way more sought after by other men who see them as superior. As for the other races, you got me there. If I feel no attraction for them that could probably be an unfortunate thing that proves how awful of a person I am. I feel like the preference though just stems from my experience knowing that white women are the only ones who have directly shown interest in me that I have also felt attraction towards even though it didn't work out between me and them. Perhaps I am chasing the previous love interests but I don't see myself changing this preference unfortunately.

It comes off as Elliot Rodger-ish. He suffered and was forever-alone precisely because of his insistence on white women only. Being obsessed with another race is not a normal preference to have nor one that is likely to end in success. Just being honest with you. Again you are not "awful," you have just developed odd fixations. I think after several decades of not being able to get these very particular women you want, it's time to try other types. You can of course do whatever you want, but I doubt things will change if you continue on this same path.

 

[over.the.rainbow]

My mind is all over the place after reading the whole thread…I really don't know where to start. Writing this now so I'll remember to come back to it when it's not 5am.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It comes off as Elliot Rodger-ish. He suffered and was forever-alone precisely because of his insistence on white women only. Being obsessed with another race is not a normal preference to have nor one that is likely to end in success. Just being honest with you. Again you are not "awful," you have just developed odd fixations. I think after several decades of not being able to get these very particular women you want, it's time to try other types. You can of course do whatever you want, but I doubt things will change if you continue on this same path.

That would imply that the other types are widely available and interested in me though, which I don't believe they are. The only likes I even received on dating apps from women was with white ones who were KPop fans that assumed I was Korean and then gave up when they realized I wasn't. I started liking one type of woman because this type has been the only type to even show interest in me in the first place even though they eventually backed out. There was even once someone from this very forum who was white and she was the one who initiated with me without even knowing about my preference then it turned out she had a thing for only Asian guys but it didn't work out between us since I don't have a place of my own. We were really compatible besides that according to her.

Of course interest in me alone is not enough since I've also received a lot of attention from gay men who assume I'm gay because I have "a gay voice" apparently. I guess if any Asians or others showed true interest in me I could maybe grow to accept them.

Elliot Rodger was a white boy himself no? So his racial preferences were likely motivated by supremacy or something like that. I don't really see white people as superior. In fact I often feel sorry for them because of things like how it's acceptable to make fun of them in almost every space. I think I just happen to find pale skin in general a bit more attractive so I guess the actual genetic makeup doesn't matter to me since there are lighter skinned East Asians, Latinas, Middle Easterners, and even Southeast Asians. I understand that this can still make me some kind of racist though but again, it's not absolute. It just depends on previous experience. At least I'm not fetishizing darker skinned girls for the sake of some fucked up colonization kink like I've seen other dudes do on the internet.

Edit: Reading about Elliot Rodger for the first time and I can assure you that my own manifesto involves no hatred towards women at all. If I intend to kill myself I plan to be the only victim. Why would I blame anyone else for things that are clearly my fault? Although I can see where the other parallels might lie. That dude was actually already getting therapy though and he was regularly on medications it seems. If anything the moral of his story feels like it's trying to tell me I SHOULDN'T get professional help since that seems to have contributed to his tipping point especially when he stopped taking his meds which is something I've done with my regular non psychiatric medicines before.

My mind is all over the place after reading the whole thread…I really don't know where to start. Writing this now so I'll remember to come back to it when it's not 5am.

That's how my mind is like all the time so I get it.

 

[Gangrel]

scapism and distracting myself is how i do it, also looking at other people

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I would quit my job but I already tried and was somehow roped back in because the benefits are still quite good plus I had no success in finding another job yet. Distracting myself has helped a little, but it has its limits unfortunately.


I haven't had much time to hang out with my friends lately. These days I mostly hang out with my youngest sister, the non autistic one. All we do is run errands together or sometimes see movies. I would say I have five close friends right now. Three of them are guys and two are girls. One lives in Canada although he is about to move back next week so I may get to hang out with him again hopefully. Another lives in Central California which is about an hour and a half away so we only hang on special occasions like his birthday that he had earlier this month. The other three friends live in the same area as me and are one male and two females. The male is always busy because he gets stretched so thin between so many other different friend groups. My two female friends are the ones I hang out with the most but we usually only get to maybe hang out every once in a while because our schedules are so conflicting. One of them is a staffer for nurses and doctors so she works really late hours which means even on her days off she has a horrid sleep schedule. I'm not interested in either of them romantically but we do have fun together when we hang out. Sometimes my sister even joins the three of us. They have offered to take me to a bar in order to help me meet other girls but we have yet to have had any good opportunities for that. I'm not sure exactly how this would work in practice though. Another unfortunate thing is when I do end up drinking, I also tend to forget everything. Usually when I hang out with any of my friends we end up just going to milk tea places or restaurants instead of bars though.


I wonder where I could find these meetups. My experience with them from anime conventions has been getting my applications rejected because there were too many male applicants. When it comes to outside hobbies and such I'm still a little afraid that getting into a class or community just to meet women will be seen as creepy which it very well could be. I can't think of any such activities that I would want to pursue for the sake of the activity itself. I've been to anime conventions before but usually when I go to these I'm just there to have fun with my friends and maybe buy some merchandise. I'm sure every woman there is not there to meet someone so I don't bother in approaching them.


I had a therapist last month. We only had two sessions though before I think she gave up on me. I will see if I could potentially get another one though through my doctor. They already referred me to a psychiatrist as well as a behavioral health specialist which I guess could count as a therapist?

Also my crush in question may still be going to college but she's already 25, maybe 26 by now since December was when she told me her age. I do see how my posts are very concerning. I don't see how me having a preference for white women is too concerning though. My first crush from elementary school was an Asian woman. It took me nine years to get over her but I should have seen all along that she never liked me because my grades were too poor and I wasn't studying to be a doctor. Speaking as an Asian, I actually think me preferring white women should be considered closer to settling down and lowering my standards while going for other Asian women would be shooting too high since they seem to be way more sought after by other men who see them as superior. As for the other races, you got me there. If I feel no attraction for them that could probably be an unfortunate thing that proves how awful of a person I am. I feel like the preference though just stems from my experience knowing that white women are the only ones who have directly shown interest in me that I have also felt attraction towards even though it didn't work out between me and them. Perhaps I am chasing the previous love interests but I don't see myself changing this preference unfortunately.

It's true that I probably need more therapy at this point but the last one giving up on me wasn't a good sign at all. I think this therapist thought I was going to be easy to cure for some reason but when I proved not to be she backed off.

Thank you all for your advice though. I genuinely hope I get to put any of this advice into action though unfortunately I don't seem to have any idea where to actually begin with enacting any of these recommendations. I'm also still open to any other ideas if there are any.

Another suggestion is maybe to expand your friend group. I need to do that myself. Not for dating purposes but just to have more friends to hang out with. A few more male friends would be great.
I guess going out to a club or bar isn't a good idea if you can't remember what happened.
My early 20's were like that.
Is it possible to drink less? Or is it because of nerves?
I guess the anime conventions aren't a good idea. I didn't know. Don't want to come off as creepy.
I didn't know that they only took so many male applications. I guess they don't want a sausage fest.
Apologies for the humor. It's how I get through the day.
Also you could make new friends at an anime con. Doesn't have to be a relationship.

I think seeing a therapist could still help relationship wise. It may help you figure out how to stop crushing on certain women. May help you get over the current one.

I don't think you are an awful person for having a preference for white women. It doesn't matter for me but for you it is your preference. Now if you were from the southern US.... Just joking... Seriously just joking.

You don't need to rush into anything. 30's isn't old.

 

[cryone]

honestly, it sounds like you've lost touch with reality. you aren't actually looking for tips; you're looking to justify that liking her is the only thing you can do. for instance, this:

Unfortunately another reason I think I came to like her was because I thought she was showing signs of liking me first. I guess I was wrong but I have no idea how to intentionally go for this in the future. I guess I'm attracted when someone shows interest in me. Who knew? :/

you mention that you were wrong ("I guess I was wrong") but then immediately follow up with a conflicting statement ("I guess I'm attracted when someone shows interest in me"). your next statement along with the sarcastic question easily proves that you are only trying to rationalize your distorted feelings. you are portraying yourself as open-minded, but you clearly aren't accepting the truth.

look, she wasn't into you and she wasn't showing interest. yeah, im making assumptions, but ive personally been in these scenarios with guys who share an almost identical mindset. in all my cases, I never flirted. I just gave a guy, who hasn't been respected by women, decent respect. Suddenly, im getting a confession and they aren't over me for multiple years. i have a lot of friends that share similar stories too.

it seems all too familiar here. you hardly know her.

so the best advice I can give is to genuinely accept that you're deluding yourself. my other piece of advice is for you to ask her the brutal truth once. because i guarantee you she's too scared to show discomfort if you're breaking down infront of her over this.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

honestly, it sounds like you've lost touch with reality. you aren't actually looking for tips; you're looking to justify that liking her is the only thing you can do. for instance, this:

you mention that you were wrong ("I guess I was wrong") but then immediately follow up with a conflicting statement ("I guess I'm attracted when someone shows interest in me"). your next statement along with the sarcastic question easily proves that you are only trying to rationalize your distorted feelings. you are portraying yourself as open-minded, but you clearly aren't accepting the truth.

look, she wasn't into you and she wasn't showing interest. yeah, im making assumptions, but ive personally been in these scenarios with guys who share an almost identical mindset. in all my cases, I never flirted. I just gave a guy, who hasn't been respected by women, decent respect. Suddenly, im getting a confession and they aren't over me for multiple years. i have a lot of friends that share similar stories too.

it seems all too familiar here. you hardly know her.

so the best advice I can give is to genuinely accept that you're deluding yourself. my other piece of advice is for you to ask her the brutal truth once. because i guarantee you she's too scared to show discomfort if you're breaking down infront of her over this.

Thank you for your input. I'm not sure if my refuting of my own statement was meant to be sarcastic, I think I meant both statements equally and that's the sort of contrast I deal with on a daily basis. I should make it clear that I don't mean to seem like I'm trying to appear open minded. I want to be clear that I am not. I am a very shallow and closed minded individual and the thing about closed minded individuals is that nothing out there seems to be able to change their minds. I'm sorry if I'm making it seem like I want sympathy when I am describing myself. I try to make it clear that I am very evil and manipulative so phrases like that can and will come out of my words often. I just pray that people don't fall for them and think that my attempts at being honest about my evil nature somehow backfire and cause people to think I must not be as awful of a person as I say. If this sounds like sarcasm too, I don't know how else to say that it isn't. Just because I'm self aware doesn't make me any less stupid and bad. If anything it makes me even worse for knowing how bad I am and doing nothing to stop it.

I am sorry that you have been plagued by other such horrible men like me. Unlike them though I can't say I've never been respected by women. If anything, all of the women in my life have shown me respect and kindness just not of the romantic sort and that's why I hold no hatred for them. I should also stop myself here because I'm not trying to sound noble here either, just stating that I hold no ill will of that sort. Just because I don't hate them doesn't mean I'm not a menace to the ones I've felt attracted to unfortunately.

You are right that I am deluded. I knew I was deluded right from the start. I don't have to know anything about her to know she had no interest in me. Nobody does. I should have killed myself way before things could have gotten this out of hand. Once again this is NOT an attempt to garner sympathy. I genuinely truly believe things would have objectively been better for everyone involved if I had just gotten rid of my life instead of deluding myself into thinking she would want anything to do with me. I know this is not her fault. I do not blame her. Objectively there is nothing good about me and yet people keep telling me there is. My friends and family keep tricking me into thinking I'm worth a damn and that people do like me. It's not just her though. I think as long as I am alive I will continue to sink into these delusions which is why it's better if I cease to exist but I'm just too cowardly and lazy and stupid to get that started already.

As for asking her herself……….I would love to. I've been trying to hear the answer straight from her that she does not care about me. I was so ready to hear that a couple months ago but I don't know what happened. I started to panic and I just can't figure out why even though I already know what she's going to say. I can't even describe what it is exactly I'm afraid of. I think at this point even if I talked to her I am afraid she may lie to me or try to say something nice but unassuming all in order to spare my feelings but I don't know if I want to hear that. I fear that could make me mad because I've heard that kind of thing before. Maybe I'm afraid I will lash out. Even if I only do so verbally I just can't bear to think of it.

And as for me not wanting any tips. That isn't true. I really do want to move on but at the same time I know this is rushing it. It just takes me way too long even though I know it has to be soon so I know I will say and feel horrible things because I just can't let go and this sort of emotional turmoil I know is exactly why I need to move on and yet I won't for some stupid stupid reason. I'm sorry for men like me. I wish all of us were wiped out so we could make the world a better place by not existing. I know you might not believe me and it sounds disingenuous but I truly mean it.

Another suggestion is maybe to expand your friend group. I need to do that myself. Not for dating purposes but just to have more friends to hang out with. A few more male friends would be great.
I guess going out to a club or bar isn't a good idea if you can't remember what happened.
My early 20's were like that.
Is it possible to drink less? Or is it because of nerves?
I guess the anime conventions aren't a good idea. I didn't know. Don't want to come off as creepy.
I didn't know that they only took so many male applications. I guess they don't want a sausage fest.
Apologies for the humor. It's how I get through the day.
Also you could make new friends at an anime con. Doesn't have to be a relationship.

I think seeing a therapist could still help relationship wise. It may help you figure out how to stop crushing on certain women. May help you get over the current one.

I don't think you are an awful person for having a preference for white women. It doesn't matter for me but for you it is your preference. Now if you were from the southern US.... Just joking... Seriously just joking.

You don't need to rush into anything. 30's isn't old.

I drink at bars because 1) I feel bad about sitting around not paying for anything and most of the time bar food is too expensive at least if I'm going to pay for something expensive it better feel good so it might as well be paying for alcohol and 2) yeah alcohol helps me calm my social anxiety a bit but the fact it makes me forget coupled with the fact that I am always scared of how much of a terrible person I am even when I am sober makes me wary of my drunk self. There are too many horrible tales of horrible people who've done horrible things under this abhorrent substance. Even though it's fun, there's a high risk I might do something horrible if I get to a bar.

I do want to see another therapist and perhaps next time I have an off day I will attempt to arrange for another one. I just don't want to put too much hope into it because at this point I highly doubt there are any therapists that could succeed in helping me properly. The last therapist promised to help me gain confidence and help me to get over this woman. Clearly, the therapist must have realized how impossible this was if she gave up on me.

I think being in my 30s and having this little experience is too old. There's just no circumventing it. Even my last therapist straight up told me I am lacking certain skills that most other people have already known since middle school. There's no getting around it. Now this therapist also claimed she could help teach me the skills but she gave up so clearly she couldn't.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Maybe you can get an escort?