How do I see ctb as ok without feeling like a quitter?

[Ambivalent1]

I've tried hard to fix my life and I keep trying. Ctb to me feels like I'm being a quitter and giving up. I feel I need to earn the right to die. Just driving to some bridge on a whim and walking off the edge seems wrong.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I've tried hard to fix my life and I keep trying. Ctb to me feels like I'm being a quitter and giving up. I feel I need to earn the right to die. Just driving to some bridge on a whim and walking off the edge seems wrong.

Ctb is taking control of your destiny how is that being a quitter unlike most of these people who are so happy but spend majority of their time keeping a "surveillance" to the worst person in the world, yeah true happiness indeed to those who has nothing else to do but do that.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You are neither a quitter, nor you give up, once you come to your own conclusion that you did everything to try to fix your life. It's like putting money into a business that's simply not running, you put energy into your life to fix it, but it's getting worse.

When the life you have to live is not worth living for you any more you have defintily earned the right to die. Anyway deciding about ones own CTB should be a right at any time and for anyone out there.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Ctb is taking control of your destiny how is that being a quitter unlike most of these people who are so happy but spend majority of their time keeping a "surveillance" to the worst person in the world, yeah true happiness indeed to those who has nothing else to do but do that.

I don't know. Maybe I was just raised differently. I was taught that life is a challenge and you push through. Ancient people really would be shocked at the conveniences we take for granted. All they knew was struggle. There really is satisfaction in persevering through hardship as long as you can see small wins.

As a result, I find it hard to just lay down and die without continuing to push, especially since I'm not middle age yet. I think if I were and I saw my body starting to degrade that I could acknowledge I did try enough and it's over.

You are neither a quitter, nor you give up, once you come to your own conclusion that you did everything to try to fix your life. It's like putting money into a business that's simply not running, you put energy into your life to fix it, but it's getting worse.

When the life you have to live is not worth living for you any more you have defintily earned the right to die. Anyway deciding about ones own CTB should be a right at any time and for anyone out there.

I think I'm unsure whether I've earned it yet.

 

[FuneralCry]

There's the fact that none of us are obligated to continue enduring existence, the reality is that there is nothing to be gained by this futile and meaningless existence that we were so unfairly forced to endure in the first place. I see suicide as being self care as it's taking control over our inevitable fate and preventing all unnecessary suffering, as in the ideal state of non-existence everything is forgotten about.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I don't know. Maybe I was just raised differently. I was taught that life is a challenge and you push through. Ancient people really would be shocked at the conveniences we take for granted. All they knew was struggle. There really is satisfaction in persevering through hardship as long as you can see small wins.

As a result, I find it hard to just lay down and die without continuing to push, especially since I'm not middle age yet. I think if I were and I saw my body starting to degrade that I could acknowledge I did try enough and it's over.

I think I'm unsure whether I've earned it yet.

You can keep on pushing through for the small wins and I wish you success in pushing things through. Even people like Cheslie, (who had it all beauty, fame and money) still choose to ctb. At the end of the day we are all different and we will always see things differently. Good luck to whatever decision you will make.

 

[Ambivalent1]

You can keep on pushing through for the small wins and I wish you success in pushing things through. Even people like Cheslie, (who had it all beauty, fame and money) still choose to ctb. At the end of the day we are all different and we will always see things differently. Good luck to whatever decision you will make.

She chose to ctb because she was getting older. I think she even mentioned the term "the wall," which is a point where a woman's looks start to fade. So in a sense in her mind, she hit middle age.

 

[leavingsoon99]

Quitting what? Life's a contest? What do you win if you persevere? I'm not attacking, but I rail against the idea that I'm "quitting" something. I gave everything I had, and it didn't work Therefore, I'm leaving. I'm exercising the one power I have left. But, to each their own. If you feel like you're quitting something, maybe re-evaluating your feelings is in order. This is just how I, personally, feel. I think it's disordered to refer to life as if it's some contest in which there's actually something to be won. I'm going to die in the end regardless. My health is failing, and I'm aging. There's nothing for me to fight for. You seem like you may have something. Therefore, I wish for you clarity. There may be something for you to gain in this life.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Quitting what? Life's a contest? What do you win if you persevere? I'm not attacking, but I rail against the idea that I'm "quitting" something. I gave everything I had, and it didn't work Therefore, I'm leaving. I'm exercising the one power I have left. But, to each their own. If you feel like you're quitting something, maybe re-evaluating your feelings is in order. This is just how I, personally, feel. I think it's disordered to refer to life as if it's some contest in which there's actually something to be won. I'm going to die in the end regardless. My health is failing, and I'm aging. There's nothing for me to fight for. You seem like you may have something. Therefore, I wish for you clarity. There may be something for you to gain in this life.

I think I view it as necessary to endure until the body starts to fall apart like a car. I wish I didn't think this way. It keeps me trapped here. Starts, by the way, is the keyword.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I think I view it as necessary to endure until the body starts to fall apart like a car. I wish I didn't think this way. It keeps me trapped here.

Well, that's your belief. Don't beat yourself up for it. If I thought like you, I would probably try to find ways to truly recover and find a meaning for my life. I don't campaign for ctb. I'm doing this because it's best for ME. I find life absurd and unbearable. I will not accept what society wants me to be. I will not accept that the life I wanted and worked hard for will never be. Therefore, perseverance only equates to more suffering for me. You seem like you may have something to live for. I suggest you do some serious soul searching and really try to find a way to power through life the way you envision... if you haven't already. I wish you clarity and good, sound guidance in your journey.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Well, that's your belief. Don't beat yourself up for it. If I thought like you, I would probably try to find ways to truly recover and find a meaning for my life. I don't campaign for ctb. I'm doing this because it's best for ME. I find life absurd and unbearable. I will not accept what society wants me to be. I will not accept that the life I wanted and worked hard for will never be. Therefore, perseverance only equates to more suffering for me. You seem like you may have something to live for. I suggest you do some serious soul searching and really try to find a way to power through life the way you envision... if you haven't already. I wish you clarity and good, sound guidance in your journey.

I think being abused as a child made me a masochist.i endure suffering because I feel I deserve to suffer. Dying means no more suffering and I'm not worthy of that.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I think being abused as a child made me a masochist.i endure suffering because I feel I deserve to suffer. Dying means no more suffering and I'm not worthy of that.

I'm truly sorry for your experience. I was brutally abused as a child too. You DO NOT deserve to suffer needlessly. I hope that someday you will come to realize that. No one deserves to suffer needlessly. I used to believe that as well. You do NOT deserve that.

 

[illvoid]

Dying is simply the state of not living. It's not necessarily good or bad, and we've all been there before in a way. There was a time where you didn't exist, and it was never inherently negative or positive for you because you weren't there to feel it in the first place. That's how I see it.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I'm truly sorry for your experience. I was brutally abused as a child too. You DO NOT deserve to suffer needlessly. I hope that someday you will come to realize that. No one deserves to suffer needlessly. I used to believe that as well. You do NOT deserve that.

I'm sorry you were abused. How did you escape the cycle?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's not quitting or giving up, it's forfeiting or resigning. Sometimes the most strategic move is to retreat. Your life circumstances are often likened to a card hand you're dealt. Well, every player knows there's a time to keep playing and a time to fold.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think I view it as necessary to endure until the body starts to fall apart like a car. I wish I didn't think this way. It keeps me trapped here. Starts, by the way, is the keyword.

You have to overcome this way of thinking because it harms you and your own comfort. Although I don't remember to have ever really been so close to CTB in all my life as I am now, it was always clear that CTB is a legal way out if for me personally my life is not worth to be lived any more. Each individual has their own choice when life is unbearable and has to come to an end to be free from agony and all sufferings.

 

[squirley]

You are neither a quitter, nor you give up, once you come to your own conclusion that you did everything to try to fix your life. It's like putting money into a business that's simply not running, you put energy into your life to fix it, but it's getting worse.

When the life you have to live is not worth living for you any more you have defintily earned the right to die. Anyway deciding about ones own CTB should be a right at any time and for anyone out there.

Well said.

I've tried hard to fix my life and I keep trying. Ctb to me feels like I'm being a quitter and giving up. I feel I need to earn the right to die. Just driving to some bridge on a whim and walking off the edge seems wrong.

I understand this.
*personally*
Coming from the early 90s and if you give up your a fucking pussy if you want to cry shut up and drink some rum.
If you go see a shrink your a "gay" but hard F.
I lived with this toxicity for a long time that's why I became a carpenter and a gym freak.
Plus booze and substances.

You don't need to EARN the right to die.
If you have fought a great battle.
It is ok to accept defeat.

Many people will never realize this.

 

[LittleJem]

pretend you are a Roman Emperor. Suicide for them was for aristocracy.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

pretend you are a Roman Emperor. Suicide for them was for aristocracy.

Ita est!

 

[Ambivalent1]

You have to overcome this way of thinking because it harms you and your own comfort. Although I don't remember to have ever really been so close to CTB in all my life as I am now, it was always clear that CTB is a legal way out if for mepersonally my life is not worth to be lived any more. Each individual has their own choice when life is unbearable and has to come to an end to be free from agony and all sufferings.

Then I should've died years ago. It makes me feel bad that I've lived a masochistic life with no payoff all because of being abused.

pretend you are a Roman Emperor. Suicide for them was for aristocracy.

Peasants didn't kill themselves?

 

[squirley]

Then I should've died years ago. It makes me feel bad that I've lived a masochistic life with no payoff all because of being abused.

Doesn't masochistic mean you like the pain or abuse or defeat ? Just curious I'm just trying to understand your point here. Of dying years ago.

And to the OP driving to a bridge and hopping off might seem wrong to you. But not to others. I think that's why places like this exist to discuss Reasons. Methods. Ctb or recovery.
It's taking me about 1.5 years to finally make up my mind. And same thing MANY ups and downs.
Trying to fix things.
Being on top big daddy.
Being rock bottom pathetic(in my own eyes.)

And I'm just done dude. I'm at ease with that.

Not sure of your exact situation or how long things have been going on.
But in the end you do what's right for you and it's OK to question your self. Just take the time to figure it out if you need.
You don't need to go out on a sporadic thought or action.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Doesn't masochistic mean you like the pain or abuse or defeat ? Just curious I'm just trying to understand your point here. Of dying years ago.

Masochistic in the sense that suffering is my baseline. I'm probably expanding the definition.

Dying years ago because ever since I reached adulthood I've been miserable. I put up with it because I was trying to make a better life despite my problems but the problems keep coming and sabotage my progress.

 

[squirley]

Masochistic in the sense that suffering is my baseline. I'm probably expanding the definition.

Ah ok I get it just the suffering part.
Not the enjoyment of suffering.

Dying years ago because ever since I reached adulthood I've been miserable. I put up with it because I was trying to make a better life despite my problems but the problems keep coming and sabotage my progress.

sounds all to familiar.
C'est la vie?
Unfortunately.

 

[MeltingBrain]

It's like putting money into a business that's simply not running, you put energy into your life to fix it, but it's getting worse.

That's a great framework . I'm gonna use that line.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

She chose to ctb because she was getting older. I think she even mentioned the term "the wall," which is a point where a woman's looks start to fade. So in a sense in her mind, she hit middle age.

Her looks were not fading and she was only 30 when she completed ctb ans that's not even middle aged. She did mention about her age especially being a woman after hitting 30 years ( which to me is still relatively young ). I also remember Tara Condell the dietitian, she had it all and still decided to complete ctb. As humans we will have different views when it comes to life and what we find happiness in. I have lived 34 years on earth and I have seen enough. My goal is to just cease to exist and my only regret is not knowing about this site in 2018 when I started having the desire to ctb. I will not miss anything and I really wished I knew about SS in 2018 because SN wasn't so strictly regulated as it is now.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry that you are burdened with this. I guess maybe focus on the alternative- if you don't CTB- will you find some pride/ sense of achievement that you didn't just quit? Will that really comfort you? Maybe think about how you feel about other people that CTB. Do your rules apply to them also? If not, why not? What difference will it make if you hold on for old age and illness before you feel 'allowed' to go?

I think maybe you need to really focus on where these beliefs come from- and, whether you agree with them. If they have come out of being abused and feeling like you just have to put up with it (and I'm so sorry to hear about that)- maybe you need to think- are you willing to keep on letting these people abuse you? By accepting that down trodden mindset?

We have all been given a certain 'education' in life- which can include damning views on suicide. As we grow up and learn there are other opinions in the world- it's up to us to some degree to how much we want to accept the ideas we were taught to start with. I grew up with someone who believed suicides end up in purgatory/ hell. Honestly- I haven't been able to shake that fear entirely- seeing as we don't know if there is a God. Plus- if there is- he/she/it clearly doesn't play fair- so- why not? Still- the rational side of me thinks religion and hell are manmade concepts created to keep mankind docile and submissive. So- to some extent- I can respectfully dismiss that idea as something I choose not to believe in.

If you agree with fighting for life as a concept though- then I think you've got no choice but to carry on. Still- in that case- maybe look for ways to ease your situation. If you feel the need to see 'small wins' or signs of success from your efforts- maybe try to reduce your expectations. Accept that you may still fail- no matter the effort you put in. That's just life. It's partly based on chance. If you're going to go the pro-life route- maybe learn how to cope with life's disappointments and setbacks better. You clearly have that 'fight' in you (whether you want it or not.) Just- keep going with it and see where it leads you- knowing that that is what most people are doing I guess.

I guess you can at least comfort yourself with the feeling that CTB isn't impossible for you at a later stage- you may just need to keep going until you yourself feel like it has become appropriate.

Ultimately- people do have to overcome a whole variety of taboos and fears when they CTB. They likely vary from person to person. I expect just about everyone has to cope with the fear of their method failing and the pain they might endure. Most people also have the tremendous worry about what effect their CTB will have on those left behind. Some people also have the worry of it being against their God's wishes. In a way- this one seems similar to you. In that they feel the expectation/obligation to suffer in life. Maybe it would help to talk to some religious people who have become aetheists- or- perhaps better still- people who are still religious to see how they get over their own quandries with being expected to suffer.

I think for some of us- we know we likely will CTB but it isn't something we can do immediately. For me- I feel like I have to hang on for my Dad. For me- I simply can't square it in my head that it would be ok to do this to him. That would likely change if my life got worse. For now though- I can just about tread water. Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe you feel like you simply can't shake this obligation you feel to keep fighting with life. In which case- maybe you'll just have to hang on for the time being too.

It's your decision at the end of the day- I think that's the major thing you need to acknowledge though- it's up to you as to what you choose to believe and how you choose to act. Ultimately- we make decisions that make sense to us.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I'm sorry that you are burdened with this. I guess maybe focus on the alternative- if you don't CTB- will you find some pride/ sense of achievement that you didn't just quit? Will that really comfort you? Maybe think about how you feel about other people that CTB. Do your rules apply to them also? If not, why not? What difference will it make if you hold on for old age and illness before you feel 'allowed' to go?

I think maybe you need to really focus on where these beliefs come from- and, whether you agree with them. If they have come out of being abused and feeling like you just have to put up with it (and I'm so sorry to hear about that)- maybe you need to think- are you willing to keep on letting these people abuse you? By accepting that down trodden mindset?

We have all been given a certain 'education' in life- which can include damning views on suicide. As we grow up and learn there are other opinions in the world- it's up to us to some degree to how much we want to accept the ideas we were taught to start with. I grew up with someone who believed suicides end up in purgatory/ hell. Honestly- I haven't been able to shake that fear entirely- seeing as we don't know if there is a God. Plus- if there is- he/she/it clearly doesn't play fair- so- why not? Still- the rational side of me thinks religion and hell are manmade concepts created to keep mankind docile and submissive. So- to some extent- I can respectfully dismiss that idea as something I choose not to believe in.

If you agree with fighting for life as a concept though- then I think you've got no choice but to carry on. Still- in that case- maybe look for ways to ease your situation. If you feel the need to see 'small wins' or signs of success from your efforts- maybe try to reduce your expectations. Accept that you may still fail- no matter the effort you put in. That's just life. It's partly based on chance. If you're going to go the pro-life route- maybe learn how to cope with life's disappointments and setbacks better. You clearly have that 'fight' in you (whether you want it or not.) Just- keep going with it and see where it leads you- knowing that that is what most people are doing I guess.

I guess you can at least comfort yourself with the feeling that CTB isn't impossible for you at a later stage- you may just need to keep going until you yourself feel like it has become appropriate.

Ultimately- people do have to overcome a whole variety of taboos and fears when they CTB. They likely vary from person to person. I expect just about everyone has to cope with the fear of their method failing and the pain they might endure. Most people also have the tremendous worry about what effect their CTB will have on those left behind. Some people also have the worry of it being against their God's wishes. In a way- this one seems similar to you. In that they feel the expectation/obligation to suffer in life. Maybe it would help to talk to some religious people who have become aetheists- or- perhaps better still- people who are still religious to see how they get over their own quandries with being expected to suffer.

I think for some of us- we know we likely will CTB but it isn't something we can do immediately. For me- I feel like I have to hang on for my Dad. For me- I simply can't square it in my head that it would be ok to do this to him. That would likely change if my life got worse. For now though- I can just about tread water. Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe you feel like you simply can't shake this obligation you feel to keep fighting with life. In which case- maybe you'll just have to hang on for the time being too. It's your decision at the end of the day- I think that's the major thing you need to acknowledge though- it's up to you as to what you choose to believe and how you choose to act. Ultimately- we make decisions that make sense to us.

This will take time to digest but it looks good.

I'm sorry that you are burdened with this. I guess maybe focus on the alternative- if you don't CTB- will you find some pride/ sense of achievement that you didn't just quit? Will that really comfort you? Maybe think about how you feel about other people that CTB. Do your rules apply to them also? If not, why not? What difference will it make if you hold on for old age and illness before you feel 'allowed' to go?

I think maybe you need to really focus on where these beliefs come from- and, whether you agree with them. If they have come out of being abused and feeling like you just have to put up with it (and I'm so sorry to hear about that)- maybe you need to think- are you willing to keep on letting these people abuse you? By accepting that down trodden mindset?

We have all been given a certain 'education' in life- which can include damning views on suicide. As we grow up and learn there are other opinions in the world- it's up to us to some degree to how much we want to accept the ideas we were taught to start with. I grew up with someone who believed suicides end up in purgatory/ hell. Honestly- I haven't been able to shake that fear entirely- seeing as we don't know if there is a God. Plus- if there is- he/she/it clearly doesn't play fair- so- why not? Still- the rational side of me thinks religion and hell are manmade concepts created to keep mankind docile and submissive. So- to some extent- I can respectfully dismiss that idea as something I choose not to believe in.

If you agree with fighting for life as a concept though- then I think you've got no choice but to carry on. Still- in that case- maybe look for ways to ease your situation. If you feel the need to see 'small wins' or signs of success from your efforts- maybe try to reduce your expectations. Accept that you may still fail- no matter the effort you put in. That's just life. It's partly based on chance. If you're going to go the pro-life route- maybe learn how to cope with life's disappointments and setbacks better. You clearly have that 'fight' in you (whether you want it or not.) Just- keep going with it and see where it leads you- knowing that that is what most people are doing I guess.

I guess you can at least comfort yourself with the feeling that CTB isn't impossible for you at a later stage- you may just need to keep going until you yourself feel like it has become appropriate.

Ultimately- people do have to overcome a whole variety of taboos and fears when they CTB. They likely vary from person to person. I expect just about everyone has to cope with the fear of their method failing and the pain they might endure. Most people also have the tremendous worry about what effect their CTB will have on those left behind. Some people also have the worry of it being against their God's wishes. In a way- this one seems similar to you. In that they feel the expectation/obligation to suffer in life. Maybe it would help to talk to some religious people who have become aetheists- or- perhaps better still- people who are still religious to see how they get over their own quandries with being expected to suffer.

I think for some of us- we know we likely will CTB but it isn't something we can do immediately. For me- I feel like I have to hang on for my Dad. For me- I simply can't square it in my head that it would be ok to do this to him. That would likely change if my life got worse. For now though- I can just about tread water. Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe you feel like you simply can't shake this obligation you feel to keep fighting with life. In which case- maybe you'll just have to hang on for the time being too.

It's your decision at the end of the day- I think that's the major thing you need to acknowledge though- it's up to you as to what you choose to believe and how you choose to act. Ultimately- we make decisions that make sense to us.

I think what propels me to fight is that it gives my life meaning. To go and die now undoes everything - all the pain endured for nothing, the rare good moment, etc. And my life was better once. I desperately want it to be better again, but I don't know how to do it.

 

[ireallylikemangoes]

Why would you be considered a quitter if life is something you didn't consent to anyway? You have already tried so hard

 

[Ambivalent1]

Why would you be considered a quitter if life is something you didn't consent to anyway? You have already tried so hard

Because I've still "played" and enjoyed it sometimes and grew attached to it. Now it sucks but I don't know how to make it good again. And it's the only game in town.