I originally asked this question in my first post, but figured it needed its own for context.
How do I say goodbye?
This is such a long story, I have no idea where to begin..
My earliest memories are filled with physical abuse from my mother. Around 2-3 years old, her grabbing me by the back of the head, and slamming my head into the wall while I begged her to stop. My mother moving from abusive drug addict, who beat her or myself, to the next, all the while losing me to the state on and off for abuse.
My first suicide attempt was at 6 years old. By 8 years old I was in the foster system (returned back to my mom by 9) and began self harming. By the time I was 15, I had tried killing myself at least 4-5 times.
My self harm was an addiction, along with risky behaviors that were heightened due to being molested as a child, molested before my 10th birthday, and the lack of love from my family (who turned a blind eye to the abuse). I ended up getting raped 4 different times, by the age of 18 which now had me at about 6 suicide attempts, and constant suicidal thoughts.
A string of abusive relationships followed, one of which almost took my life on at least 2 different occasions.
Then I met my ex-husband. I thought because he didn't rape me, that he was a good man. Funny how abuse lowers your standards for what is "good".
I had my rainbow baby, despite a horrendous pregnancy where I threw up all day, every day, for the entire pregnancy. I lost weight, wouldn't be able to eat or even take a sip of water for a few days, ended up getting IVs in the ER out of necessity. But, my baby was my world. I always wanted to be a mother, and finally I was blessed with this beautiful little one.
My ex was emotionally abusive, financially controlling, and later I found him to be a pathological liar. His lying was effortless, and it scared me even more when he told me he talked to a demon. He would lie about traumatic "incidents" that occured to him, that always seemed to be eerily similar to my own past that I had confided in him. It didn't help that he didn't want our child. He tried to manipulate me into having an abortion, and when I refused, he drank and ignored me.
I was a married single mom, to a baby with health problems that no one could foresee. The lack of sleep, my ex, all of it was almost more than I could take, but somehow I made it through the infancy stage even with PPD and previously with APD during pregnancy.
By about a year old, my ex decided to show more interest in our child. By the time our little one was a year and a half, I couldn't handle his abuse anymore. I couldn't handle the lies and manipulation anymore, so I asked for marriage counseling. His response was to make up a traumatic event to get my empathy so I would stay. When I verified said incident never happened, I began my plan to escape.
He became physical, and had fire arms. A while after, I took our little one and ran out of fear for our lives after an incredibly traumatic incident with him happened.
I ran to a friend. I fell in love. It fell apart. We fell in love, and it fell apart again. All of this while fighting a court battle against my ex, who turned my entire family against me. My friend was all I had, and even he couldn't be depended on for support anymore.
My ex won visitation for 3 weeks at a time in his home state, then refused to give our child back 2 days before our custody exchange. He misused the court system to prevent me from getting my child back until a judge held a hearing. Being pro se, with no money for legal help, I was stuck.
But something inside me broke the day I realized I wasn't getting my little one back. The little one who had never left my side since they were born for longer than a day, had been gone over 3 weeks.
I decided I couldn't handle it anymore, I couldn't fight anymore. I was at rock bottom. I felt like I had lost everything- no support system I could access, my friend distant or us constantly fighting about something, and my child gone.
After my past suicide attempts, I finally figured out a sure method that would be near painless and successful. I found info from people who had successfully used the method, and found all of the necessary pieces needed to put my plan into place.
Now, it's all I can think about. It would cost a bit of money, but what does money matter when you're dead?
Now, I know the statistics.
My child will be 3x more likely to commit suicide as a an adult with children of their own.
I know this is a huge choice, especially as someone who believes in God.
I can't explain the relief, to finally have my chance at my finger tips. I want to buy everything needed, just to have on hand for when the time is right, but something is holding me back ever so gently-
My child.
How do I say goodbye?
How do I tell them that I gave absolutely everything I possibly could, until I had nothing left to give to even myself?
Do I leave a video, telling them about my life, everything that lead me to this point?
Do I explain that they completed my life, and allowed me to experience love and happiness like I had never known?
How do I do all that, and then say with my actions that it wasn't enough to live for?
How do you explain to your child that you love them always, but not enough to keep living, and by living you are continuing to suffer?
I believe I gave up having my life as my own, the moment I chose to have my darling angel. The beautiful little baby I dreamed of having my entire life..
The pain is almost unbearable, but if I go through with this, then my rainbow baby's blood may be on my hands someday.
Is this my way of trying to get help? Or am I looking for that sentimental, "it will all be okay, do what you need to do, even if it is ending your life"..
I don't even know how to tell those I love goodbye. Maybe a letter or video, but I wish I could just hug them one last time.
If I touch them, I will talk myself out of this. Especially since the one person I really want to say goodbye to as much as my little one, is my friend I mentioned earlier. Even more so, because he will be the one to find my body.
I have no desire for a final list of experiences of things to do. I just want to let go, and be free. I don't know what awaits me after this, I just know that I hope it's either better than this life, or just nothingness.
How do I say goodbye?
This is such a long story, I have no idea where to begin..
My earliest memories are filled with physical abuse from my mother. Around 2-3 years old, her grabbing me by the back of the head, and slamming my head into the wall while I begged her to stop. My mother moving from abusive drug addict, who beat her or myself, to the next, all the while losing me to the state on and off for abuse.
My first suicide attempt was at 6 years old. By 8 years old I was in the foster system (returned back to my mom by 9) and began self harming. By the time I was 15, I had tried killing myself at least 4-5 times.
My self harm was an addiction, along with risky behaviors that were heightened due to being molested as a child, molested before my 10th birthday, and the lack of love from my family (who turned a blind eye to the abuse). I ended up getting raped 4 different times, by the age of 18 which now had me at about 6 suicide attempts, and constant suicidal thoughts.
A string of abusive relationships followed, one of which almost took my life on at least 2 different occasions.
Then I met my ex-husband. I thought because he didn't rape me, that he was a good man. Funny how abuse lowers your standards for what is "good".
I had my rainbow baby, despite a horrendous pregnancy where I threw up all day, every day, for the entire pregnancy. I lost weight, wouldn't be able to eat or even take a sip of water for a few days, ended up getting IVs in the ER out of necessity. But, my baby was my world. I always wanted to be a mother, and finally I was blessed with this beautiful little one.
My ex was emotionally abusive, financially controlling, and later I found him to be a pathological liar. His lying was effortless, and it scared me even more when he told me he talked to a demon. He would lie about traumatic "incidents" that occured to him, that always seemed to be eerily similar to my own past that I had confided in him. It didn't help that he didn't want our child. He tried to manipulate me into having an abortion, and when I refused, he drank and ignored me.
I was a married single mom, to a baby with health problems that no one could foresee. The lack of sleep, my ex, all of it was almost more than I could take, but somehow I made it through the infancy stage even with PPD and previously with APD during pregnancy.
By about a year old, my ex decided to show more interest in our child. By the time our little one was a year and a half, I couldn't handle his abuse anymore. I couldn't handle the lies and manipulation anymore, so I asked for marriage counseling. His response was to make up a traumatic event to get my empathy so I would stay. When I verified said incident never happened, I began my plan to escape.
He became physical, and had fire arms. A while after, I took our little one and ran out of fear for our lives after an incredibly traumatic incident with him happened.
I ran to a friend. I fell in love. It fell apart. We fell in love, and it fell apart again. All of this while fighting a court battle against my ex, who turned my entire family against me. My friend was all I had, and even he couldn't be depended on for support anymore.
My ex won visitation for 3 weeks at a time in his home state, then refused to give our child back 2 days before our custody exchange. He misused the court system to prevent me from getting my child back until a judge held a hearing. Being pro se, with no money for legal help, I was stuck.
But something inside me broke the day I realized I wasn't getting my little one back. The little one who had never left my side since they were born for longer than a day, had been gone over 3 weeks.
I decided I couldn't handle it anymore, I couldn't fight anymore. I was at rock bottom. I felt like I had lost everything- no support system I could access, my friend distant or us constantly fighting about something, and my child gone.
After my past suicide attempts, I finally figured out a sure method that would be near painless and successful. I found info from people who had successfully used the method, and found all of the necessary pieces needed to put my plan into place.
Now, it's all I can think about. It would cost a bit of money, but what does money matter when you're dead?
Now, I know the statistics.
My child will be 3x more likely to commit suicide as a an adult with children of their own.
I know this is a huge choice, especially as someone who believes in God.
I can't explain the relief, to finally have my chance at my finger tips. I want to buy everything needed, just to have on hand for when the time is right, but something is holding me back ever so gently-
My child.
How do I say goodbye?
How do I tell them that I gave absolutely everything I possibly could, until I had nothing left to give to even myself?
Do I leave a video, telling them about my life, everything that lead me to this point?
Do I explain that they completed my life, and allowed me to experience love and happiness like I had never known?
How do I do all that, and then say with my actions that it wasn't enough to live for?
How do you explain to your child that you love them always, but not enough to keep living, and by living you are continuing to suffer?
I believe I gave up having my life as my own, the moment I chose to have my darling angel. The beautiful little baby I dreamed of having my entire life..
The pain is almost unbearable, but if I go through with this, then my rainbow baby's blood may be on my hands someday.
Is this my way of trying to get help? Or am I looking for that sentimental, "it will all be okay, do what you need to do, even if it is ending your life"..
I don't even know how to tell those I love goodbye. Maybe a letter or video, but I wish I could just hug them one last time.
If I touch them, I will talk myself out of this. Especially since the one person I really want to say goodbye to as much as my little one, is my friend I mentioned earlier. Even more so, because he will be the one to find my body.
I have no desire for a final list of experiences of things to do. I just want to let go, and be free. I don't know what awaits me after this, I just know that I hope it's either better than this life, or just nothingness.
