How do I prepare, I want to clear everything up if I decide

[affirmatice]

I'm on the fence right now. But leaning towards CTB, it's the last thing I want to do but I don't see any other options here.

How do I prepare for this. I want to get rid of all evidence or all my posts on numerous forums. I don't want people digging through my personal information, and much less info on why I'm considering this.

If they found out the true reason likely they would feel guilty and also feel like I didn't have to do this. But truthfully they don't understand what it's like to live like this and how trapped I feel.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Why don't you just get rid of devices? Reset it and give it to a homeless person far away. Or chuck it in the river far away, or a bin. Something.

 

[AvaCutey]

I don't understand the need to tie up loose ends, to make it seem like your life was great. Maybe its romantic to think that your disappearance will be a mystery, an unsolvable enigma. You can never know how they will feel about it, maybe they will feel guilty, maybe they will think you were selfish, maybe they will be angry, sad, or happy you are gone.

You can't hope to fill the void that you will create, you will be gone, and people will wonder why and go digging. If you burry things deep enough, maybe they will give up.

I don't think they will find your posts on this site or link them to you, its like there's a needle in a haystack, and they don't even know which barn to search.

Most people don't think like you, hang out in the same spaces online as you do, and as long as your accounts use pseudonyms, search engines are such bowls of dog-water that they will definitely have to venture from the comfort zones of the first pages of Google to find anything.

after that you can burn everything you have ever owned.

factory reset all devices.

but its all such a hassle.

 

[Unspoken7612]

It reflects well on you that you care about the impact you're having on others.

I think it's quite unlikely they'd dig.

A lot that is out there will be impossible to remove. A lot of sites just won't let you delete your posts, and some of it will have been archived anyway.

So, you're better off making it hard for them to connect you to your old accounts.

Here are some steps you could take:

1) clear all your browsing data: history, cookies, cache, bookmarks, downloads, passwords. Do this on all devices you use.

2) removal all add-ons, especially password managers, from your browser. Remove apps related to these sites from your phone, as well as password managers. Delete their documents and data

3) shut down your email account. NOTE: this is potentially an extreme step, so be careful. See whether you can restore it in the event you survive.

4) to be really sure, use an operating system like Tails for any browsing you do after clearing your history. This will delete everything new without a trace.

This should give you some cover, especially if your family don't know the usernames you use.

 

[affirmatice]

I don't understand the need to tie up loose ends, to make it seem like your life was great. Maybe its romantic to think that your disappearance will be a mystery, an unsolvable enigma. You can never know how they will feel about it, maybe they will feel guilty, maybe they will think you were selfish, maybe they will be angry, sad, or happy you are gone.

You can't hope to fill the void that you will create, you will be gone, and people will wonder why and go digging. If you burry things deep enough, maybe they will give up.

I don't think they will find your posts on this site or link them to you, its like there's a needle in a haystack, and they don't even know which barn to search.

Most people don't think like you, hang out in the same spaces online as you do, and as long as your accounts use pseudonyms, search engines are such bowls of dog-water that they will definitely have to venture from the comfort zones of the first pages of Google to find anything.

after that you can burn everything you have ever owned.

factory reset all devices.

but its all such a hassle.

It's not so much that I want my life to seem like a mystery or romantic.

I'd just rather not have my family know the causes because if they did, as I said, they would likely feel worse and guilty. The things I suffer from are partly due to the neglect of my parents. But I don't fully blame them because they lived stressful lives, and they did want the best for me - they just missed a few things.

I love them, I love my family and my friends. The thing is my depression and pain is all within myself. I'm proud of my life and what I've accomplished. But I don't want to keep living in pain.

If i do CTB, in the note I will tell them how I mentally feel, why I felt this was the only option. But I don't want to discuss the actual reasons behind this.

 

[AvaCutey]

It's not so much that I want my life to seem like a mystery or romantic.

I'd just rather not have my family know the causes because if they did, as I said, they would likely feel worse and guilty. The things I suffer from are partly due to the neglect of my parents. But I don't fully blame them because they lived stressful lives, and they did want the best for me - they just missed a few things.

I love them, I love my family and my friends. The thing is my depression and pain is all within myself. I'm proud of my life and what I've accomplished. But I don't want to keep living in pain.

If i do CTB, in the note I will tell them how I mentally feel, why I felt this was the only option. But I don't want to discuss the actual reasons behind this.

Do you have anyone you feel safe talking to? Proper, non superficial topics? I hope you confide in someone, toughing things alone, it's rough. Some things are so horrific they dim the lights in someone's eyes forever, but for you, I feel there's hope.

 

[affirmatice]

Do you have anyone you feel safe talking to? Proper, non superficial topics? I hope you confide in someone, toughing things alone, it's rough. Some things are so horrific they dim the lights in someone's eyes forever, but for you, I feel there's hope.

I talk to a therapist. Can't say I've seen any major progress after 7 appointments. He's the only person that I've opened up to about this.

why do you feel there's hope for me? It's not that I don't want to believe it. I blindly followed hope for 5 years and I'm still hurting worse than the first day I fell depressed.

 

[AvaCutey]

I talk to a therapist. Can't say I've seen any major progress after 7 appointments. He's the only person that I've opened up to about this.

why do you feel there's hope for me? It's not that I don't want to believe it. I blindly followed hope for 5 years and I'm still hurting worse than the first day I fell depressed.

I don't mean a therapist, I mean a friend. I've suffered through depression, the worst time of my life, and I tried a couple times to CTB. I found my people, I broke out of the cycle. Its possible. In therapy, I would be literally shaking; it was not a comfortable environment; it didn't work for me. I feel like you can be happy again. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe I see a bit of who I was in you? Or I am too emotionally attached to strangers on the internet.

 

[affirmatice]

I don't mean a therapist, I mean a friend. I've suffered through depression, the worst time of my life, and I tried a couple times to CTB. I found my people, I broke out of the cycle. Its possible. In therapy, I would be literally shaking; it was not a comfortable environment; it didn't work for me. I feel like you can be happy again. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe I see a bit of who I was in you? Or I am too emotionally attached to strangers on the internet.

I don't know if I can talk to a friend. Actually that's kind of the reason I feel suicidal in a way.

The issue I have is one of such great shame and embarrassment that opening up to friends about it seems literally impossible.

I know - it sounds dramatic. No issue on this earth is something that can't be talked about. But truthfully I can't. And I'm overall a pretty open person. I'm genuine and I can share a lot. But this is something that I just cannot discuss.

So beyond the pain it causes within me. I also haven't been able to find a way to overcome the barrier of shame. And I know that starts within me first. But I can't do it. I hate it too much about myself.

 

[AvaCutey]

I don't know if I can talk to a friend. Actually that's kind of the reason I feel suicidal in a way.

The issue I have is one of such great shame and embarrassment that opening up to friends about it seems literally impossible.

I know - it sounds dramatic. No issue on this earth is something that can't be talked about. But truthfully I can't. And I'm overall a pretty open person. I'm genuine and I can share a lot. But this is something that I just cannot discuss.

So beyond the pain it causes within me. I also haven't been able to find a way to overcome the barrier of shame. And I know that starts within me first. But I can't do it. I hate it too much about myself.

I will listen if you need someone, Maybe its hard if you know the person already.

 

[affirmatice]

I will listen if you need someone, Maybe its hard if you know the person already.

Thanks, I'm a bit tired today. But I'll come write tomorrow