To start with, let me just say that I haven't harmed another person. The things I have done haven't affected another person in any way. I'm not willing to disclose what it is I feel so guilty about, for the shame I will feel knowing others are aware of my past actions will be too much.
One of these things is something I have done many times. This all took place between 3 to 7 years ago between the age of 17 and 21 (possibly 21 a half at the latest) but only very occasionally. I can't begin to understand why I had felt that it was okay to behave in such a way. Now the thought of it sickens me. It's truly monstrous. Evidently it is something unforgivable, too, because even I cannot forgive myself. But I suppose I should be glad that I came to realise how repulsive this was/is -- well, I think I always knew, but I chose not to act in the way I knew I should of.
I believe the feelings of guilt and shame for these acts may have been a fundamental part of what caused me to have a mental breakdown at the age of 19 and a half. Looking back now, I wonder if it played a role in why my depression became psychotic in nature when I began to be marginally delusional.
It is has been at least 3 years since the last time. I feel an immense amount of remorse for this, and I am certain it will never happen again.
The 2nd thing only happened once. I'm much more forgiving of myself for this. By this point I had become really quite unwell. I do not remember much of what happened between the age of 20 and 22 and a half, but I know that this occurred during that period of my life.
The night this took place I was high (smoking weed) as usual. I recall watching the television show "Lost". To give you an example of how unwell I was, I started to believe that I was experiencing something similar to that of the characters in the show, that perhaps I had died and was experiencing misery in some sort of afterlife, retribution for the things I had done. Although unlike in the story of the TV show, my afterlife was a world identical to the one I had lived before but one where I'd suffer, like I had been at the moment, for the terrible atrocities I'd committed.
But in the moment, just as I was about to do it, I stopped. It felt like something else had taken control of me. As if some force outside of myself had intervened. I remember the shock I felt upon realising the disgusting thing I was about to do.
To this day I still have no understanding of why I felt compelled to behave in that manner, in that instance. It doesn't feel right for me to blame it on the fact that I might have become delirious at that time. Even as I type this I question whether I am being totally honest with myself. Maybe I need to believe that I wasn't really in control of myself because it relieves some of the guilt.
I feel like a completely different person now, but I am still haunted by this, and there seems to be nothing that will allow me to accept my past actions - but some part of me feels it should be that way so to remind me to never allow that evil to take hold of me again.
I feel entirely detached from the person I was back then. I guess it might be a similar experience to that which religious types experience when they are able to move past their sin like they're born again. The only difference being that I find no comfort just as Christians do when God forgives them for their sins.
Will I ever be able to forgive myself?
Is there any way I will be able to live with this until my death (which may not be for so many more years if I ever do find the courage to end my life)?
Could you forgive someone who has committed such evil acts if they feel deeply remorseful?
Have any of you experienced something like this?
One of these things is something I have done many times. This all took place between 3 to 7 years ago between the age of 17 and 21 (possibly 21 a half at the latest) but only very occasionally. I can't begin to understand why I had felt that it was okay to behave in such a way. Now the thought of it sickens me. It's truly monstrous. Evidently it is something unforgivable, too, because even I cannot forgive myself. But I suppose I should be glad that I came to realise how repulsive this was/is -- well, I think I always knew, but I chose not to act in the way I knew I should of.
I believe the feelings of guilt and shame for these acts may have been a fundamental part of what caused me to have a mental breakdown at the age of 19 and a half. Looking back now, I wonder if it played a role in why my depression became psychotic in nature when I began to be marginally delusional.
It is has been at least 3 years since the last time. I feel an immense amount of remorse for this, and I am certain it will never happen again.
The 2nd thing only happened once. I'm much more forgiving of myself for this. By this point I had become really quite unwell. I do not remember much of what happened between the age of 20 and 22 and a half, but I know that this occurred during that period of my life.
The night this took place I was high (smoking weed) as usual. I recall watching the television show "Lost". To give you an example of how unwell I was, I started to believe that I was experiencing something similar to that of the characters in the show, that perhaps I had died and was experiencing misery in some sort of afterlife, retribution for the things I had done. Although unlike in the story of the TV show, my afterlife was a world identical to the one I had lived before but one where I'd suffer, like I had been at the moment, for the terrible atrocities I'd committed.
But in the moment, just as I was about to do it, I stopped. It felt like something else had taken control of me. As if some force outside of myself had intervened. I remember the shock I felt upon realising the disgusting thing I was about to do.
To this day I still have no understanding of why I felt compelled to behave in that manner, in that instance. It doesn't feel right for me to blame it on the fact that I might have become delirious at that time. Even as I type this I question whether I am being totally honest with myself. Maybe I need to believe that I wasn't really in control of myself because it relieves some of the guilt.
I feel like a completely different person now, but I am still haunted by this, and there seems to be nothing that will allow me to accept my past actions - but some part of me feels it should be that way so to remind me to never allow that evil to take hold of me again.
I feel entirely detached from the person I was back then. I guess it might be a similar experience to that which religious types experience when they are able to move past their sin like they're born again. The only difference being that I find no comfort just as Christians do when God forgives them for their sins.
Will I ever be able to forgive myself?
Is there any way I will be able to live with this until my death (which may not be for so many more years if I ever do find the courage to end my life)?
Could you forgive someone who has committed such evil acts if they feel deeply remorseful?
Have any of you experienced something like this?
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