Help How do I make something good out of my suicidality?

[Hvergelmir]

Greetings,

I'm not sure if this belongs in suicide or recovery, but figured that recovery would be the more appropriate forum considering that I don't seek immediate death.

For a multitude of reasons I've given up on life.
As a last ditch effort I've dedicated years working for the best possible outcomes, disregarding my own feelings, hiding my thoughts on suicide.
I've even been hopeful at times. Things have been moving in the right direction, but I would likely need a few hounded years (I'm not overexaggerating) to get into a place where I'd find life worth living.

Nonetheless I have hopes that my death or willingness to die could have some meaning - some positive impact. It would be very comforting knowing that my life and death haven't been completely in vain.
Lack of self preservation must be in demand somewhere!

I will volunteer to the International Legion for the Defense of Ukraine, and if possible I'd like to clear land mines. The pay is decent and life insurance of 400 000 € is probably more than I could earn over a life time.
If I survive 3 years, I'm in a new possibly better situation, and every land mine cleared will make the world a slightly better place.
If I don't survive... well; mission accomplished. I would completely bypass survival instincts and shame. At worst I would be remembered for dying in a pointless war.

I don't expect to be accepted though, due to Type 1 Diabetes - chronic diabetes requiring daily insulin treatment. That said, they do seem desperate for volunteers, so maybe...

ILDU happen to be easily accessible on the web, and anyone can apply. But what alternatives are there?
I have no military background, and I'm not looking for war specifically. Warzones does however seem like an exceptionally good place to turn suicidality into a positive trait.

If I am going to cut my life short, I'd like to do so in a way where I can feel good about myself. I think I can do better than a plain suicide.
Hopefully my life could have some value as a sacrifice?

Any ideas are appreciated, even partial ones. I can't really ask this elsewhere, and expect to be understood.
Though my financial reserves are dwindling, I'm still able to go anywhere in the world.

 

[Linda]

I think your idea of mine clearing in Ukraine is a good one. I don't see why the diabetes need be a barrier - but it's their opinion that counts not mine; you need to ask them. One obvious danger is that you could be left badly injured but still alive.
Another possibility would be helping as a nurse, or just an unskilled assistant, somewhere there is an outbreak of a dangerous disease, such as Ebola. However, that might be harder to arrange than your original idea, as such outbreaks happen at random and are unpredictable.
Would it be possible to ctb in a way that ensures that your organs can be harvested and used to benefit other people?

 

[KillingPain267]

I wish the law would allow suicidal people to donate their live heart and liver to someone who desperately wants to keep living

 

[Hvergelmir]

I think your idea of mine clearing in Ukraine is a good one. I don't see why the diabetes need be a barrier - but it's their opinion that counts not mine; you need to ask them. One obvious danger is that you could be left badly injured but still alive.
Another possibility would be helping as a nurse, or just an unskilled assistant, somewhere there is an outbreak of a dangerous disease, such as Ebola. However, that might be harder to arrange than your original idea, as such outbreaks happen at random and are unpredictable.
Would it be possible to ctb in a way that ensures that your organs can be harvested and used to benefit other people?

Thank you very much for your input.

I've looked into all kinds of humanitarian efforts, and have not found any way in. (They would happily take monetary donations, though.)
You did however mention the randomness and unpredictability of outbreaks. The demand for people might change from low to extreme at any time. Obvious, but not something I considered. I'll definitely dig a bit deeper.

I'm not really afraid of injury. The likelihood of being injured in such a way that I both suffer and is unable to ctb, seem low.
Besides, serious danger is a good antidepressant. It might not be for everyone, but it makes me highly motivated, focused and effective.

Registering for organ harvesting i a no-brainer, regardless of what I choose to do. Thanks for this suggestion.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

If you leave a letter, advocate for improved mental health literacy and social emotional learning (SEL) taught from a young age. Also for more efforts to identify and prevent abuse and emotional neglect, and adverse childhood experiences.

This is what I'm doing at least.

 

[bin]

If I survive 3 years, I'm in a new possibly better situation, and every land mine cleared will make the world a slightly better place.

i think your idea here is worth a lot. i think it's really admirable how you're thinking of ways to offer positive impact to the world with your life and the work you can do.

it's well known that soldiers can find meaning in their service through a sense of belonging and purpose that comes from serving together in dangerous situations. joining the military has long been a path open to "lost souls" who are seeking strong guidance and a meaningful challenge.

of course, there are many other pursuits that can offer the same opportunities to find meaning through helpful work. you might want to check out WWOOF, an organization that provides arrangements for people to work on organic farms in exchange for food and living arrangements in the farm. this is something i'm personally considering doing soon, as my college has revoked my enrollment due to a recent suicide attempt :-(

 

[Hvergelmir]

i think your idea here is worth a lot. i think it's really admirable how you're thinking of ways to offer positive impact to the world with your life and the work you can do.

it's well known that soldiers can find meaning in their service through a sense of belonging and purpose that comes from serving together in dangerous situations. joining the military has long been a path open to "lost souls" who are seeking strong guidance and a meaningful challenge.

of course, there are many other pursuits that can offer the same opportunities to find meaning through helpful work. you might want to check out WWOOF, an organization that provides arrangements for people to work on organic farms in exchange for food and living arrangements in the farm. this is something i'm personally considering doing soon, as my college has revoked my enrollment due to a recent suicide attempt :-(

I'm way too much of an independent thinker to fit in the military. I'm not even convinced that my country is worth defending, should it be invaded.
Any deployment would have to be on my terms. Mercenary groups have been considered, but does not seem either realistic or very noble.

Wwoof seem like a genuinely nice initiative. I think you should try it.
For me, I might be bit too old and cynical. With half my expected life span passed, I've stopped looking for meaningful social context. Instead I've resorted to looking for an honorable way out. If I somehow convince myself to do another serious attempt at life, this will be high on the list of alternatives, though.

No matter what I end up doing I appreciate your diverse and constructive perspective. Thanks.

 

[Ah.ow]

I wondered if jobs that could increase suicidality, but wouldn't be dangerous the way military things would be, would be too much like another attempt at life?

People here ask for someone caring about them. for example, when I talk about my needs, I feel more suicidality from the ways people treat me and other things like repetition trauma or maybe complex trauma that's not just childhood-developed (alot developed after).

caring for someone or a group of people like me, like getting their needs met, might be a confusing position, if the relation to suicidality is increasing impulsiveness. the care relationship would be endable anytime? and the impulsiveness wouldn't help when it happens? but when people want to complete a goal before dying, or wanting to do more good before dying, maybe being a personal advocate could fit that?

I don't know, it seems there's more implications than I can grasp for this way of making suicidality positive?

 

[Hvergelmir]

...maybe being a personal advocate could fit that?

It's certainly an honorable endeavor. It's not inline with my desires for an end, but hopefully it can inspire someone in search of meaning.

...you might want to check out WWOOF...

I did quickly shut this suggestion down, but have thought a lot, since. While it's unlikely to end my life, it can provide an immediate end to the life I know.
Without being overly cynical, I can't argue against trying it - so that's what I'm going to do, assuming I manage to keep my current level of hope.
I've always loved animals, and I'm fond of plants.

I actually knew about the organization since before, but discarded them as delusional hippies, scammers, and religious nutjobs, along with the IC crowd. You made me push that cynicism aside and have another less biased look. Thank you.

 

[Ah.ow]

It's certainly an honorable endeavor. It's not inline with my desires for an end, but hopefully it can inspire someone in search of meaning.


I did quickly shut this suggestion down, but have thought a lot, since. While it's unlikely to end my life, it can provide an immediate end to the life I know.
Without being overly cynical, I can't argue against trying it - so that's what I'm going to do, assuming I manage to keep my current level of hope.
I've always loved animals, and I'm fond of plants.

I actually knew about the organization since before, but discarded them as delusional hippies, scammers, and religious nutjobs, along with the IC crowd. You made me push that cynicism aside and have another less biased look. Thank you.

can I ask you, or idk who else to ask, about wwoof views, ic views, and whatever else you see relating? a smaller version of wwoof interested me, I was afraid farms were inaccessible for people with physical disabilities or high trauma. farm/rural trauma and losing hope for things like wwoof and ic was really upsetting

 

[MarkSmith73]

Greetings,

I'm not sure if this belongs in suicide or recovery, but figured that recovery would be the more appropriate forum considering that I don't seek immediate death.

For a multitude of reasons I've given up on life.
As a last ditch effort I've dedicated years working for the best possible outcomes, disregarding my own feelings, hiding my thoughts on suicide.
I've even been hopeful at times. Things have been moving in the right direction, but I would likely need a few hounded years (I'm not overexaggerating) to get into a place where I'd find life worth living.

Nonetheless I have hopes that my death or willingness to die could have some meaning - some positive impact. It would be very comforting knowing that my life and death haven't been completely in vain.
Lack of self preservation must be in demand somewhere!

I will volunteer to the International Legion for the Defense of Ukraine, and if possible I'd like to clear land mines. The pay is decent and life insurance of 400 000 € is probably more than I could earn over a life time.
If I survive 3 years, I'm in a new possibly better situation, and every land mine cleared will make the world a slightly better place.
If I don't survive... well; mission accomplished. I would completely bypass survival instincts and shame. At worst I would be remembered for dying in a pointless war.

I don't expect to be accepted though, due to Type 1 Diabetes - chronic diabetes requiring daily insulin treatment. That said, they do seem desperate for volunteers, so maybe...

ILDU happen to be easily accessible on the web, and anyone can apply. But what alternatives are there?
I have no military background, and I'm not looking for war specifically. Warzones does however seem like an exceptionally good place to turn suicidality into a positive trait.

If I am going to cut my life short, I'd like to do so in a way where I can feel good about myself. I think I can do better than a plain suicide.
Hopefully my life could have some value as a sacrifice?

Any ideas are appreciated, even partial ones. I can't really ask this elsewhere, and expect to be understood.
Though my financial reserves are dwindling, I'm still able to go anywhere in the world.

Just from reading what you said I can tell you that the world is a better place for you being here. You mentioned that you still can travel anywhere in the world. I lost everything years ago and when I completely hit rock bottom I realized that everything was a step up from there. Sure you're going to have days with deep depression and no will to go on but other days are better. I have a way out if things become unbearable but I won't let my 15 year old be in a world without her father so I'll never use it. There is light at the end of the tunnel and this life is just a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. Instead of thinking of ways your death will make things better think of ways your life can make things better. The best way is to go on God's terms and when we get to the orientation center on the other side we can truly say we tried our best. Yeah we failed at a lot of things but by God we accomplished some things too. Don't give up and give it all you've got. There's a light at the end of the tunnel but also a huge disconnect between that light. But in God's time we will be there.

 

[Zazacosta]

@Hvergelmir

Going into war in Ukraine... I must say that you are really brave! I wish you good luck in that. I hope that they will accept you.

I also wish you 3 more things! I am sorry to anyone who is reading this, but what I will just write will not be nice (at least not nice for everyone... It is a lot affected about what I think about this war)

1) I wish you that you survive that idiotic war, caused by... creature and bastard Putin.
2) I wish you that you help to a lot of people in Ukraine.
3) I wish you that you find a new reason to live you life - after the war! I think that war.. always changes people. Sometimes to worse, sometimes for the better. I wish that it will change you for the better a lot.

Brave poeple like you deserve to live good life.

I have nothing else to say. I am sorry if there is any Russian who is hurt about my opinions.

 

[Hvergelmir]

ic views

IC referred to 'intentional communities'.
Coincidently many communes revolve around organic farming and sustainability. But many others revolve around religion, spiritual practices, and the like.
Joining one usually involves a monetary investment to become a co-owner.

about wwoof views

Woof is a labor for room and food kind of arrangement. It's more about growing food, and much less about all the other stuff.

@Hvergelmir

Going into war in Ukraine... I must say that you are really brave! I wish you good luck in that. I hope that they will accept you.

I also wish you 3 more things! I am sorry to anyone who is reading this, but what I will just write will not be nice (at least not nice for everyone... It is a lot affected about what I think about this war)

1) I wish you that you survive that idiotic war, caused by... creature and bastard Putin.
2) I wish you that you help to a lot of people in Ukraine.
3) I wish you that you find a new reason to live you life - after the war! I think that war.. always changes people. Sometimes to worse, sometimes for the better. I wish that it will change you for the better a lot.

Brave poeple like you deserve to live good life.

I have nothing else to say. I am sorry if there is any Russian who is hurt about my opinions.

Please save the celebrations for someone whom actually went there.

I'm potentially volunteering to clear mines, in a desperate attempt to escape. As outlined in the first post I don't even expect to be accepted. I'm in no way a war hero, regardless. Just an opportunist, at the brink of giving up.