How do I learn to stop having high expectations of others and of life?

[Ambivalent1]

?

 

[Valky]

By being realistic (not pessimistic tho).
People mostly do stuff for their own benefits. Life loves fucking you over.

Learn by doing, learn by trying, learn by hurting.

 

[Ambivalent1]

By being realistic (not pessimistic tho).
People mostly do stuff for their own benefits. Life loves fucking you over.

Learn by doing, learn by trying, learn by hurting.

Then how can people have friends and relationships since people suck?

 

[Valky]

Then how can people have friends and relationships since people suck?

Because not everyone does. It's all about getting along well with others. With some you do and some you don't. Any kind of healthy relationship is still about giving and receiving.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Don't start with long term ones, just easier to expect short terms ones, i.e. they should talk to me respectfully, they should follow through on this simpler promise. If they do come through, see if they come through on things that are a bit more of an ask. Don't move to great expectations unless time has passed and they've actually proven themselves.

Also, just expect disappointment. Not in a pessimistic way, just neutral. I always say to myself "hope for the best but prepare for the worst." I feel like a lot of the time the thing that is worse than what someone didn't do itself is that disappointment. So don't expect it but give them a chance. If they fail, you aren't phased because you expected it. If they success, it's a nice surprise for you and hopefully a step toward less surprises and more of someone you just know you can count on.

This is what I do anyway. I feel like it's a solid way to go so if you're unsure, might give it a try.

 

[Darkover]

 

[Ambivalent1]

Because not everyone does. It's all about getting along well with others. With some you do and some you don't. Any kind of healthy relationship is still about giving and receiving.

Do most people cycle through friends and relationships throughout their life?

 

[endofafoxtwo]

?

I say, don't. Never surrender your ideals or your dreams of a better world. It is what makes you different from thise miserable sacks of shit that just drag everybody else down. You deserve a place where you can be safe and loved and to be surrounded by good people. Don't settle for less.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I say, don't. Never surrender your ideals or your dreams of a better world. It is what makes you different from thise miserable sacks of shit that just drag everybody else down. You deserve a place where you can be safe and loved and to be surrounded by good people. Don't settle for less.

How do I create that for myself?

 

[endofafoxtwo]

How do I create that for myself?

You keep getting back up. Refuse to compromise.

 

[BlissCore]

I have the same issue. When i had a therapist it didnt help too much because i was super self aware, even they agreed. But one thing she did point out to me is i expect people to react the way i do, in a kinder manner than most people tend to. It was the one thing that set me back into a hard reality that alot of people dont do a genuine nice action just to make someone feel better, like i would.

Its really about understanding that i guess. People can be terrible, for one reason or another. Some deserve your kindness, and others dont.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I have the same issue. When i had a therapist it didnt help too much because i was super self aware, even they agreed. But one thing she did point out to me is i expect people to react the way i do, in a kinder manner than most people tend to. It was the one thing that set me back into a hard reality that alot of people dont do a genuine nice action just to make someone feel better, like i would.

Its really about understanding that i guess. People can be terrible, for one reason or another. Some deserve your kindness, and others dont.

You're like me. One of the biggest struggles in life was to learn to accept others won't act the way I'm willing to. But not only that, that the way I am is still worth being in spite of that. True kindness isn't for us, it's for others, so whether they reciprocate doesn't really make it less worth doing. And sometimes, what you do can lead, every so often, to them paying that forward. That feels worth it to me, for something that is free for me to do anyway. People forget kindness is free, so there is no reason we should put it on sale so often.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

You're like me. One of the biggest struggles in life was to learn to accept others won't act the way I'm willing to. But not only that, that the way I am is still worth being in spite of that. True kindness isn't for us, it's for others, so whether they reciprocate doesn't really make it less worth doing. And sometimes, what you do can lead, every so often, to them paying that forward. That feels worth it to me, for something that is free for me to do anyway. People forget kindness is free, so there is no reason we should put it on sale so often.

Based, I agree 100%.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I have the same issue. When i had a therapist it didnt help too much because i was super self aware, even they agreed. But one thing she did point out to me is i expect people to react the way i do, in a kinder manner than most people tend to. It was the one thing that set me back into a hard reality that alot of people dont do a genuine nice action just to make someone feel better, like i would.

Its really about understanding that i guess. People can be terrible, for one reason or another. Some deserve your kindness, and others dont.

Why would being self aware interfere with therapy? Do you have many friends? I expect people to be kind and understanding with me. Always disappointed.

 

[BlissCore]

Why would being self aware interfere with therapy? Do you have many friends? I expect people to be kind and understanding with me. Always disappointed.

For me, I can rationalize why i feel a certain way alot of the time, so my therapist wasnt able to "challenge" my thinking most of the sessions so with that therapist it felt pointless.

And yeah its really rough to find out and experience people being unkind and not know any reason they would be.. most of the time i try to justify it of them having their own struggles or a bad day, but its not always easy to excuse others.

I would say try not to put your happiness or expectations on other people as much as you can (if it's possible in the situation). Its hard in general because alot of people try to relate as much as possible to be empathetic, but others just are selfish. And we cant change that sometimes

Why would being self aware interfere with therapy? Do you have many friends? I expect people to be kind and understanding with me. Always disappointed.

Also no, i would say i have few friends, mostly online(since after moving). I really wish it was easier to make friends.

 

[Ambivalent1]

For me, I can rationalize why i feel a certain way alot of the time, so my therapist wasnt able to "challenge" my thinking most of the sessions so with that therapist it felt pointless.

And yeah its really rough to find out and experience people being unkind and not know any reason they would be.. most of the time i try to justify it of them having their own struggles or a bad day, but its not always easy to excuse others.

I would say try not to put your happiness or expectations on other people as much as you can (if it's possible in the situation). Its hard in general because alot of people try to relate as much as possible to be empathetic, but others just are selfish. And we cant change that sometimes

I expect women to be good to me (not men because men are more aggressive with me). Women sometimes are nice. I regress to childhood a lot and feel vulnerable.

 

[Valky]

Do most people cycle through friends and relationships throughout their life?

Certainly ^^ we constantly change, get into new situations. Make new friends, loose contacts with old ones. It is more than normal :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think it's easy to achieve but gratitude. Be grateful when people are nice to you. Be grateful when good things happen but try not to fall into the trap of expecting anything.

I think it's difficult to form close friendships without a level of trust- trusting that they will be there for you. Still- a few times when they're not might give you enough experience to realise that a LOT of people in life are simply 'fair weather friends.' They'll be there when it suits them.

I guess friendship at it's core is an exchange. Very few people are friends with EVERYONE. We seek out people who meet our needs- and we meet theirs. When either falls short- the friendship likely starts to degrade. It can be really hurtful but I suppose we shouldn't take it personally. There are likely people for all of us that we used to get on really well with- but, we don't quite click with anymore. I think to some extent- you just need to accept that people will come and go in your life.

Plus- it's a cliche but- life doesn't owe you anything. Life/fate doesn't care about you. Nature isn't necessarily mallicious. Like my friend will say- just my luck it's raining. Like- the atmosphere conspired just to make them wet on the way to work. The atmosphere doesn't have feelings- it just operates.

Same with fate to a degree. We can maximise our chances of success by going for the things we want. Doesn't necessarily mean we'll get them though. Someone better may have gone for that job, the person we fall for may marry someone else. Life's random.