Help How do I give up on a dream?

[borderline-feline]

My dream is to be an artist, but I can't do it. I even bought an expensive drawing tablet because I thought that it'd motivate me to learn to draw, but I can't do it. I have zero creativity, and I just get overwhelmed. I'm running out of time since the deadline for returning the tablet is the 31st.

I want to give up because having this dream and holding onto delusions that I could ever do anything creative is just a form of self-harm at this point. I psychologically torture myself with desire because I want so badly to be good at something and to be able to create. I know that I can't do it, but I can't bring myself to give up and return the tablet since I keep holding onto delusions.

What do I need to do to accept my incompetence and give up? I want the pain to go away, and I don't know if I even genuinely want to draw. I doubt that I have good reasons for wanting to learn, and it'd be a waste of time anyway since I won't be able to make any kind of career out of it.

If you're just going to encourage me to keep with it or to try a different medium, then don't bother responding. I have limitations. I don't have the aptitude for drawing, no matter how much I think I want to learn to draw.

 

[Hyd999]

For wat its worth some stores have extended returns policy for christmas.

I bought a tablet for work with the intention of having it help with inventory and it didnt work how i thought but i use it for other stuff its been very helpful in ways i didnt realize. So maybe you can use it for something else? But id go to the store and ask if they can make a 1 time exception if you dont want it

 

[borderline-feline]

For wat its worth some stores have extended returns policy for christmas.

I bought a tablet for work with the intention of having it help with inventory and it didnt work how i thought but i use it for other stuff its been very helpful in ways i didnt realize. So maybe you can use it for something else? But id go to the store and ask if they can make a 1 time exception if you dont want it

I ordered it from Amazon months ago, so I'm surprised as it is that I have until January 31st. I've spent the past half a year agonizing about whether or not I can learn to draw, and I've had multiple meltdowns over the fact that I can't manage it. I keep going back and forth and just want to be able to commit to something. I'd even be fine with pursuing drawing if it meant I could just commit to something.

I'm terrified that I'll end up running up the clock and have no option left aside from smashing the tablet to try and get some amount of closure.

 

[Why Me?]

My dream is to be an artist, but I can't do it. I even bought an expensive drawing tablet because I thought that it'd motivate me to learn to draw, but I can't do it. I have zero creativity, and I just get overwhelmed. I'm running out of time since the deadline for returning the tablet is the 31st.

I want to give up because having this dream and holding onto delusions that I could ever do anything creative is just a form of self-harm at this point. I psychologically torture myself with desire because I want so badly to be good at something and to be able to create. I know that I can't do it, but I can't bring myself to give up and return the tablet since I keep holding onto delusions.

What do I need to do to accept my incompetence and give up? I want the pain to go away, and I don't know if I even genuinely want to draw. I doubt that I have good reasons for wanting to learn, and it'd be a waste of time anyway since I won't be able to make any kind of career out of it.

If you're just going to encourage me to keep with it or to try a different medium, then don't bother responding. I have limitations. I don't have the aptitude for drawing, no matter how much I think I want to learn to draw.

I understand, I can relate. I'm trying to get an iPad so that I can draw a cartoon character and stuff that I will use for my Youtube videos. It's the only thing that will make Youtube fun for me. I'm hoping Youtube will give me a good income. I have some sort of autism, and creativity is very hard for me too, so I've had to try really hard to throw something together from other people's work to come up with something. What I'm trying to say is maybe if you do some research and rack your brain, you can figure out how to do art and make an income. I wanted to become a fashion designer originally, but decades later I'm trying to draw a cartoon character because I'm so limited. You can return the tablet, study, and figure things out, and then get the tablet later on. Just a thought, just trying to help.

 

[Hyd999]

I ordered it from Amazon months ago, so I'm surprised as it is that I have until January 31st. I've spent the past half a year agonizing about whether or not I can learn to draw, and I've had multiple meltdowns over the fact that I can't manage it. I keep going back and forth and just want to be able to commit to something. I'd even be fine with pursuing drawing if it meant I could just commit to something.

I'm terrified that I'll end up running up the clock and have no option left aside from smashing the tablet to try and get some amount of closure.

Dont smash it- you can sell it on a marketplace and get some money back from it worse case. I recomend taking old useless objects outside and go buy a nice sledge hammer and go crazy that way. I did it to metal shelving, printers and a few other objects when i was at a low point. It def was a great feeling.

Maybe see if they have a paint by number for tablets? Or something easy u can use as a template to draw at first. Start small- baby steps.

 

[borderline-feline]

I understand, I can relate. I'm trying to get an iPad so that I can draw a cartoon character and stuff that I will use for my Youtube videos. It's the only thing that will make Youtube fun for me. I'm hoping Youtube will give me a good income. I have some sort of autism, and creativity is very hard for me too, so I've had to try really hard to throw something together from other people's work to come up with something. What I'm trying to say is maybe if you do some research and rack your brain, you can figure out how to do art and make an income. I wanted to become a fashion designer originally, but decades later I'm trying to draw a cartoon character because I'm so limited. You can return the tablet, study, and figure things out, and then get the tablet later on. Just a thought, just trying to help.

Thank you for putting thought into your response

I'm also autistic. I've tried racking my brain for solutions, and I've asked people for their ideas, but I can never manage to find anything. I have dreams and desires centered around using my hobbies of media consumption to create new content for other people to enjoy. Youtube is something I've thought about extensively, but I have a lot of doubts since I'm generally a rather abrasive person, and I'm very hard to like.

Beyond that, I'm afraid of being any kind of public figure because I have the fear that my abusive ex will find out and spread lies about me to ruin my life. As it is, she did that kind of thing not long after we broke up.

I don't really know what passion is, but I think I'm passionate about some things. I just don't think there's a realistic way for me to channel that passion into anything productive. I also have anger issues, which makes everything that much more difficult for me, but I can't manage to find a way to channel my anger over everything into productivity.

Art and Youtube are both things that seemed like no-brainers, but they both require more creativity and talent than I have, not to mention the charisma I lack for Youtube.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

i dont have any advice but i can say im in a similar boat

my whole immediate family are artists, both sisters and mom (although shes more into things like sewing i guess) so i grew up watching them do stuff and *wanting* to do it myself, just never really thinking i was capable
i thought, well, it was their thing so, i should go for something else

except eventually i did start to give it a try, a year or two back, and i was really enjoying it as a hobby
its something i didnt have a hard time learning, either- even within just a few weeks of practicing basics i could see massive improvement in my drawings
granted, i grew up with artists... i had a lot of those basics hammered into my head even if i didnt put them into practice, so it wasnt hard to pick those up for me i guess
i still have a few i genuinely am proud of- one i even use as a profile picture a lot
its why i do truly believe anyone could become an artist if they wanted to set their sights on it, it just takes practice and dedication

but that statement- anyone could become an artist- comes with caveats
you still have to have the mental capacity for it... the energy, at least
and i guess neither of us do
like you, i find it really difficult to be 'creative' with art especially, i draw a blank every time i sit down to do it even when i have the motivation to try
half the time i resort to just finding a picture- a skull, an enemy in a video game i like the design of, whatever- and just try to copy it down
but at least i know thats part of the learning process...
the worst part is i no longer enjoy anything i try to draw, i immediately hate it the second its down on the paper
feels like im wasting a perfectly good sketchpad with awful soulless garbage
i know it just takes time, i just have to chip away at it and eventually itll look subjectively 'good' but
i dont have the energy to push through it when even just attempting to draw can put me in a breakdown and ruin my whole day
even when i take the time and chip away at it, i still hate what my hands produce

as much as i know i used to love it, i just cant do it anymore
so i just
stopped
i get the urge still sometimes, but i ignore it because logically i know its just going to make me even more depressed if i give in
the feeling of disappointment in myself is something i cant handle increasing any more than i already do
and its still hard not to think i only wanted to be an artist because everyone around me was one
it doesnt even feel like an aspect of myself, it feels like something i leeched from others
just like every other aspect of my personality tbh
maybe i only convinced myself i was enjoying it and now ive outgrown the initial excitement of having a hobby or something
idk



wish i could tell you how i got myself to give up
but ultimately i think it was down to just hating myself so much that i couldnt bare trying to do it anymore
not like i had a hobby before this so its nothing new i guess, im used to being useless at this point

 

[borderline-feline]

Don't smash it- you can sell it on a marketplace and get some money back from it worse case. I recommend taking old useless objects outside and go buy a nice sledge hammer and go crazy that way. I did it to metal shelving, printers and a few other objects when I was at a low point. It def was a great feeling.

Maybe see if they have a paint by number for tablets? Or something easy u can use as a template to draw at first. Start small- baby steps.

I don't think selling it would do anything to help me. It's not just about the money; it's about closure. I don't have any old useless objects that I can smash.

It's the kind of tablet that you connect to a computer, so it's basically a combination mouse and monitor. I've tried tracing things to get a feel for anatomy, and I enjoy tracing, but once I start actually trying to follow a tutorial and draw something I get overwhelmed and can't do it.

 

[Why Me?]

Thank you for putting thought into your response

I'm also autistic. I've tried racking my brain for solutions, and I've asked people for their ideas, but I can never manage to find anything. I have dreams and desires centered around using my hobbies of media consumption to create new content for other people to enjoy. Youtube is something I've thought about extensively, but I have a lot of doubts since I'm generally a rather abrasive person, and I'm very hard to like.

Beyond that, I'm afraid of being any kind of public figure because I have the fear that my abusive ex will find out and spread lies about me to ruin my life. As it is, she did that kind of thing not long after we broke up.

I don't really know what passion is, but I think I'm passionate about some things. I just don't think there's a realistic way for me to channel that passion into anything productive. I also have anger issues, which makes everything that much more difficult for me, but I can't manage to find a way to channel my anger over everything into productivity.

Art and Youtube are both things that seemed like no-brainers, but they both require more creativity and talent than I have, not to mention the charisma I lack for Youtube.

Yeah, I totally can relate to what your saying. I have an unlikeable personality too, and I can't stand my voice so I plan on "masking" you know, writing a script, and putting on a persona, acting like I'm a fast talking, intelligent, full of energy person, when I'm not. My situation is so bad, that this is my last resort, so I feel like what do I have to lose? I will have a commentary channel, and I won't appear on camera, it will just be my voice, so my identity will be hidden. I have fears of someone exposing my identity, and using my past against me, but at this point it's worth the risk. I'm bored as hell anyway, with nothing else to do, just waiting to die, and there is so much money on Youtube when people take it serious, and go for high quality & consistency.

 

[Hyd999]

I don't think selling it would do anything to help me. It's not just about the money; it's about closure. I don't have any old useless objects that I can smash.

It's the kind of tablet that you connect to a computer, so it's basically a combination mouse and monitor. I've tried tracing things to get a feel for anatomy, and I enjoy tracing, but once I start actually trying to follow a tutorial and draw something I get overwhelmed and can't do it.

I dont know ur situation but if its about closure then return it and accept you wont be able to use it for drawing.

For me smashing it would be a waste. But thats just me.

Did you check youtube totorials on drawing on the same model tablet as you have?

 

[borderline-feline]

Yeah, I totally can relate to what your saying. I have an unlikeable personality too, and I can't stand my voice so I plan on "masking" you know, writing a script, and putting on a persona, acting like I'm a fast talking, intelligent, full of energy person, when I'm not. My situation is so bad, that this is my last resort, so I feel like what do I have to lose? I will have a commentary channel, and I won't appear on camera, it will just be my voice, so my identity will be hidden. I have fears of someone exposing my identity, and using my past against me, but at this point it's worth the risk. I'm bored as hell anyway, with nothing else to do, just waiting to die, and there is so much money on Youtube when people take it serious, and go for high quality & consistency.

Eventually, when my sister gets a job that actually uses her degree, I'll have all the time in the world since I'll have to quit my job. I can't drive because of my disability, so I have no way of finding a "real" job afterward since I won't have anyone to drive me.

I would rather die than have to spend my life on disability though. I'd just be going backwards since almost all (if not all) of my money would be going to my dad for rent, utilities, and groceries. On top of that, I don't want to feel like a leech.

 

[Why Me?]

I can't drive either, I only drove enough to get my license, and never drove after that, it was like 20 years ago, so I understand. It's so life crippling to not be able to drive, unless you got the money to take Ubers everywhere. I once had a minimum paying job and was walking miles to take the bus, it was hell. I know you don't want to be dependent on someone else, it's so depressing, and you can feel stuck. I hope you can find a good way out with some enjoyment (drawing or something), the only way is to take some chances.

 

[borderline-feline]

I dont know ur situation but if its about closure then return it and accept you wont be able to use it for drawing.

For me smashing it would be a waste. But thats just me.

Did you check youtube totorials on drawing on the same model tablet as you have?

I wish it was that simple. I've been trying to bring myself to really give up and return it. I've tried asking people in my life to reinforce my incompetence, but they haven't been willing to.

I've tried youtube tutorials, and I tried having a friend help me out with learning, but neither did the trick.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Hi! You and I have something in common. I bought myself an inexpensive drawing table for X-mas. Unlike you, I have been afraid/overwhelmed to even open the box, so you are ahead of me in that way. I think I like the idea of drawing-type art much better than I like actually doing it. There is some kind of perpetuating cycle where I don't like to do things that I am not good at. But I will not actually GET good at it without doing it. [I think I used to be a lot braver about learning new things than what I am now.] They say to take tiny baby steps, but.... I just don't.

 

[Winterreise]

If you gonna learn a new skill, take lessons with a real person. Do not use YouTube!!! Videos are horrible learning environments.

 

[borderline-feline]

If you gonna learn a new skill, take lessons with a real person. Do not use YouTube!!! Videos are horrible learning environments.

I tried the closest thing I can to taking lessons with a real person, and it didn't work. I can't do IRL lessons since I don't have a way of getting to lessons. I also feel like most teachers would be hung up on trying to get me to try things that wouldn't help me out since what I want to draw is very specific.