How do I get over leaving my long term partner behind?

[onlyinsleep]

Long story short, my life sucks, I've lost everything, I'm in pain with a brain injury (caused by a moronic driver with no insurance who faced 0 punishment) and nothing is going to get better. I spend all day and night in bed, unable to move mostly. I've lost my home possessions dog you name it I've lost it and can't work.

However, my long term boyfriend (on and off ish, complicated) for many years (we were friends before that) said he would be devastated. But the mental and physical hell (plus my parents abuse me physically psychologically and emotionally/coercive abuse every day for 2 years) is too much.

I want to do the SN method and I'm ready at random this month. But we've freely talked about it (he would never throw me in a ward thank god, that would finish off my brain) and he still says people love me.

I don't really have anyone else but him and it's not gonna get better. I'm young but not THAT young anymore. I have no future prospects. How can I make my death easier on him? I haven't changed my mind about the death either.

 

[NoDream]

Its your life, you decide.

Your boyfriend would feel the same sorrow if you died in any other way too. Nobody knows when death occur and the only thing thats makes it easier is to know that it was for the best.

When my Grandpa died I was happy for him, he was deeply depressed and wanted to die. So the funeral became a happy memory.

 

[onlyinsleep]

Its your life, you decide.

Your boyfriend would feel the same sorrow if you died in any other way too. Nobody knows when death occur and the only thing thats makes it easier is to know that it was for the best.

When my Grandpa died I was happy for him, he was deeply depressed and wanted to die. So the funeral became a happy memory.

That's true...but what if he tried to hurt himself or die too..I am worried. He has a supportive family I have an abusive one so there's that

 

[KN95]

Why would your parents abuse you? Are they evil?! What the f*** is up with some people
@Orin and NoDream, why would you like her post with that emoji? What's wrong with you?!

 

[Rebirth]

Are you a woman? If yes, don't worry about it. Us women are extremely replaceable to straight men because they would sleep with most of us, and women are much nicer and more loyal than men on average.

 

[inconsequential]

Why would your parents abuse you? Are they evil?! What the f*** is up with some people
@Orin and NoDream, why would you like her post with that emoji? What's wrong with you?!

It's a hug emoji. Can you calm the fuck down.

 

[KN95]

Are you a woman? If yes, don't worry about it. Us women are extremely replaceable to straight men because they would sleep with most of us, and women are much nicer and more loyal than men on average.

You must have met a lot of guys that are douchebags

It's a hug emoji. Can you calm the fuck down.

My bad dude. Didn't know. And I'm a bit pissy tonight

 

[Thorn]

Death by itself is just sad. The circumstances that lead to that, are tragic. People usually pity themselves when they lose something/someone, but that will pass. What will rarely go away, is the grief. That is when nothing is ever the same again.

 

[Rebirth]

You must have met a lot of guys that are douchebags

It's moreso that the love of my life who was known to be a nice guy and presented himself as a selective, kind hearted soul ended up being the opposite. I was with him for a third of my life, too.

 

[KN95]

It's moreso that the love of my life who was known to be a nice guy and presented himself as a selective, kind hearted soul ended up being the opposite. I was with him for a third of my life, too.

Sorry about that. The world is full of scumbags, unfortunately.

 

[Soul]

@onlyinsleep, I'm sorry you're struggling with so much. It's very touching that amid all that you're concerned with how your friend will react to your death.

Before we get to that part, though: Does he know you're being abused? Can he offer you shelter or at least help finding another place to stay? It's seriously not okay that you're in that bad a situation.

When my friend was having trouble accepting my intention to take charge of my exit, talking about different concepts of what happens after death seemed to help him understand a lot better that this is something positive for me. The analogy of not prolonging a pet's suffering even though it hurts to say goodbye was helpful too.

Let him know you care about his future achievements and happiness. If he's grown up with a good support system that will serve him well when you're gone.

But first please talk with him about getting you out of the abusive situation you're in. x

 

[cornflowerblue]

In your note, REALLY let him know it's not his fault. Show him you're aware and thankful of how hard he tried, and that there's nothing he could have done to change the outcome. Give him permission to find somebody new and tell him that even if he forgets you in time, that's ok and he's still a good person.

 

[BeenDoneForSoLong]

In my opinion. If fear of making them kill themselves , is stopping you from doing it. That involves a fair bit of hypocrisy.

1. From you, you want to die because of personal grief, YOUR death WILL cause personal grief in a similar manner. If you're don't want him to die because of this grief, then that makes you somewhat hypocritical.

2. From them. If they decide to hurt themselves because you did. Then that grief/hurt is also misplaced and hypocritical. Because then they are aknowledging that with personal turmoil, an outlet via self-harm becomes available. So they are aknowledging that, but ALSO hurting themselves because they can't accept... That you hurt yourself.

Do you see where I'm coming from? I'm not trying to personally attack you or your ex so apolagies if it came off that way.

At the end of the day, and I've seen this in a few threads. If you're going to make someone upset ctb, you're going to make them upset. We can't really help mitigate that to an extent. It's something only you can evaluate because we don't know them on the same personal level that you do.

 

[cornflowerblue]

This is a great guide on writing a note that helps others emotionally and minimizes harm https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html

In my opinion. If fear of making them kill themselves , is stopping you from doing it. That involves a fair bit of hypocrisy.

1. From you, you want to die because of personal grief, YOUR death WILL cause personal grief in a similar manner. If you're don't want him to die because of this grief, then that makes you somewhat hypocritical.

2. From them. If they decide to hurt themselves because you did. Then that grief/hurt is also misplaced and hypocritical. Because then they are aknowledging that with personal turmoil, an outlet via self-harm becomes available. So they are aknowledging that, but ALSO hurting themselves because they can't accept... That you hurt yourself.

Do you see where I'm coming from? I'm not trying to personally attack you or your ex so apolagies if it came off that way.

At the end of the day, and I've seen this in a few threads. If you're going to make someone upset ctb, you're going to make them upset. We can't really help mitigate that to an extent. It's something only you can evaluate because we don't know them on the same personal level that you do.

We can do a lot to mitigate the damage. We absolutely can't prevent it or decrease it from the baseline damage, but there's a lot of ways to mitigate and minimize.

 

[BeenDoneForSoLong]

This is a great guide on writing a note that helps others emotionally and minimizes harm https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html


We can do a lot to mitigate the damage. We absolutely can't prevent it or decrease it from the baseline damage, but there's a lot of ways to mitigate and minimize.

You're totally correct. I should have written prevent. We can help soften the blow for sure. There WILL be pain though, it's as inevitable as death is.

 

[onlyinsleep]

I

Why would your parents abuse you? Are they evil?! What the f*** is up with some people
@Orin and NoDream, why would you like her post with that emoji? What's wrong with you?!

My mother has always abused me and my younger sibling and tried to ruin my life. She succeeded. My father did nothing. Now that I'm disabled by this I'm in their clutches. Life is just cruel that way but not everyone's is. Try not to trouble yourself too much over it. :)

Are you a woman? If yes, don't worry about it. Us women are extremely replaceable to straight men because they would sleep with most of us, and women are much nicer and more loyal than men on average.

Ouch. Yes I am but. We both stayed loyal. But our relationship is far from perfect or good either.

 

[cornflowerblue]

Are you a woman? If yes, don't worry about it. Us women are extremely replaceable to straight men because they would sleep with most of us, and women are much nicer and more loyal than men on average.

That's pretty extreme. There are plenty of straight men who don't just see women as a transaction or an object.

 

[onlyinsleep]

This is a great guide on writing a note that helps others emotionally and minimizes harm https://archive.ashspace.org/ashbusstop.org/Note.html


We can do a lot to mitigate the damage. We absolutely can't prevent it or decrease it from the baseline damage, but there's a lot of ways to mitigate and minimize.

Thanks!

@onlyinsleep, I'm sorry you're struggling with so much. It's very touching that amid all that you're concerned with how your friend will react to your death.

Before we get to that part, though: Does he know you're being abused? Can he offer you shelter or at least help finding another place to stay? It's seriously not okay that you're in that bad a situation.

When my friend was having trouble accepting my intention to take charge of my exit, talking about different concepts of what happens after death seemed to help him understand a lot better that this is something positive for me. The analogy of not prolonging a pet's suffering even though it hurts to say goodbye was helpful too.

Let him know you care about his future achievements and happiness. If he's grown up with a good support system that will serve him well when you're gone.

But first please talk with him about getting you out of the abusive situation you're in. x

No. This situation is fucked up and far more complicated than I can explain. I can't stay there. It's due to my parents, actually.

 

[cornflowerblue]

You're totally correct. I should have written prevent. We can help soften the blow for sure. There WILL be pain though, it's as inevitable as death is.

Absolutely. Even if the death is natural after a prolonged illness, sudden due to a freak accident or random murder, or anything else that obviously isn't the fault of any loved ones left behind, death hurts. It even hurts if a loved one moves 300 miles away but stays in touch. Social bonds are strong.

 

[Morto]

Just explain him That You Will be Better in the other side than in this one. Try to explain your suffer and pain here.

 

[Rebirth]

That's pretty extreme. There are plenty of straight men who don't just see women as a transaction or an object.

They all do to an extent. Some just pretend otherwise. Case in point: porn (not to mention strip clubs, prostitution and rape.)

 

[Severen]

Are you a woman? If yes, don't worry about it. Us women are extremely replaceable to straight men because they would sleep with most of us, and women are much nicer and more loyal than men on average.

Can we stop with the bullshit stereotypes? The world is a very diverse place.

Just explain him That You Will be Better in the other side than in this one. Try to explain your suffer and pain here.

It basically comes down to this... Do you want to be selfish or do you want to be altruistic? And why should you be altruistic for anyone unless you owe him or her, a great debt or compensation for a crime or crimes you've committed against your partner? What do you owe to the people in your life? And even if you owe something to someone, do you owe him or her a lifetime of pain and suffering? Does anyone owe that to anyone in this world, no matter the circumstances? I think not...