Help How do I find the will to actually live?

[eaturdirt]

I've decided this week that I want to try to stay alive for my family and that I'll try out new therapy that has been recommended to me. Thing is that it just stays so hard to get through a day :( I feel so empty and tired the whole time, even doing small things like showering tire me. I'm not using my phone and ignoring everyone who could've messaged me because I'm too tired to deal with it and all the relations that i have with others feels fake? It's like I'm pretending to be someone else. I wish this feeling could just pass and that I'll finally feel a little lighter again, that I'm hanging out with people again, that I go to school again….. for some reason it feels like I need a romantic relationship to actually live. It gives me a weird sense of purpose and gives me a will to live like no other thing can. I hate that, I don't want something like that to have control over me. I want to feel like I have a purpose without that! but I don't know how to get there. It's like I'm stuck in a constant state of misery. Death seems so much easier and calmer for me right now..

 

[Sulyya]

Described my feelings very accurately. The idea of distraction makes me sadder in its own way. Psych appointment is this week and I'm going to try getting the most emotion numbing stuff I can.

The romantic relationship part is the same as well. Giving up soon. About ready to change my dating profile to 'depressed autistic virgin, please save me'

 

[eaturdirt]

Described my feelings very accurately. The idea of distraction makes me sadder in its own way. Psych appointment is this week and I'm going to try getting the most emotion numbing stuff I can.

The romantic relationship part is the same as well. Giving up soon. About ready to change my dating profile to 'depressed autistic virgin, please save me'

I'm sorry to hear that you fee, that way too. I would almost ask you on a date lol but I doubt we're in the same country. I'm also autistic so I get the struggle :/

 

[accountnamerequired]

I understand wanting a relationship and eventually maybe being a parent. I feel many people get the will to live from having and worrying about dependents like that, probably how most people with minimum wage peasant jobs or in a bad relationship deal with it I think and find motivation to keep on going. Spreading your genes is literally the meaning of life from a biology standpoint lol

 

[AnAnonymousCrow]

I kinda gave up on life around the age of 12. I struggled a lot with self-hatred, guilt, anger, depression, and a fractured sense of identity. One thing that has held me together is poetry and music. It's worked wonders for me. I'm happy that you've decided to give life another shot. Even if you've done this several times, I'm proud of you for pushing through. It's really hard to keep going when you don't have much incentive, and it's far more difficult to start the journey when you're longing for the end. I don't know what attracts or motivates you, but if you can find something that requires or is improved by expressing yourself through it, I think you'll be a lot better off. For me, I'm always excited for the next song or poem I'll write. You know what's really awesome about that? I'm excited to be myself. I'm excited to do something with myself. Purpose may come from it; however, it's important to remember that there's a difference between expressing yourself with something versus through something. I've found it's harder to find purpose if you always choose to interact with something, such as being with another person or being with a group of friends. If you'd like some reading recommendations, John Keats, Aeschylus, and Robert P. Warren are kinda neat. If you've made it this far and you still want to go on, you've got a strong will and a very admirable character. I hope you find happiness. You got this.

 

[libitina]

I've decided this week that I want to try to stay alive for my family and that I'll try out new therapy that has been recommended to me. Thing is that it just stays so hard to get through a day :( I feel so empty and tired the whole time, even doing small things like showering tire me. I'm not using my phone and ignoring everyone who could've messaged me because I'm too tired to deal with it and all the relations that i have with others feels fake? It's like I'm pretending to be someone else. I wish this feeling could just pass and that I'll finally feel a little lighter again, that I'm hanging out with people again, that I go to school again….. for some reason it feels like I need a romantic relationship to actually live. It gives me a weird sense of purpose and gives me a will to live like no other thing can. I hate that, I don't want something like that to have control over me. I want to feel like I have a purpose without that! but I don't know how to get there. It's like I'm stuck in a constant state of misery. Death seems so much easier and calmer for me right now..

I feel the exact same way about romantic relationships. If I was normal-looking and had a boyfriend, I probably wouldn't be suicidal.

 

[m4rius]

You don't find the will; you make it. It's about actively seeking solutions, whether through direct interventions for your brain, or by addressing environmental factors that contribute to your depression.

For me, inspiration has been crucial in my process of recovery. It's about fueling curiosity, doing research over potential solutions. Otherwise, I'd have ended it by now.

I refuse to live with depression; it's either I'm running on hope-fuel, or it's suicide. I have to latch onto an idea, and if that means removing a part of my brain, taking experimental drugs, whatever it may be — I'd do it. For example I've found a procedure I'm relying on for hope, and I'm going to try it by next year once I've saved up enough money. It's almost guaranteed to work too; it's mainly for anxiety/trauma, but it's been shown to reduce depression as well. If all fails, I can always end it peacefully.

It's too painful to be hopeless — I personally can't handle it at all.

 

[Yuina]

I've decided this week that I want to try to stay alive for my family and that I'll try out new therapy that has been recommended to me. Thing is that it just stays so hard to get through a day :( I feel so empty and tired the whole time, even doing small things like showering tire me. I'm not using my phone and ignoring everyone who could've messaged me because I'm too tired to deal with it and all the relations that i have with others feels fake? It's like I'm pretending to be someone else. I wish this feeling could just pass and that I'll finally feel a little lighter again, that I'm hanging out with people again, that I go to school again….. for some reason it feels like I need a romantic relationship to actually live. It gives me a weird sense of purpose and gives me a will to live like no other thing can. I hate that, I don't want something like that to have control over me. I want to feel like I have a purpose without that! but I don't know how to get there. It's like I'm stuck in a constant state of misery. Death seems so much easier and calmer for me right now..

Oh man, I've never related to a post more than this one. It's like every single sentence.

I'm happy to have the opportunity to get help, but I feel like no matter how many doctors I've visited, none of them know what to do with me.

I especially feel trapped still living with my family. Even if I were to use a dating app, it's not like I could go anywhere or even video call with the lack of privacy in this house. I am not treated as an independent yet.

 

[sirciroc]

I've decided this week that I want to try to stay alive for my family and that I'll try out new therapy that has been recommended to me. Thing is that it just stays so hard to get through a day :( I feel so empty and tired the whole time, even doing small things like showering tire me. I'm not using my phone and ignoring everyone who could've messaged me because I'm too tired to deal with it and all the relations that i have with others feels fake? It's like I'm pretending to be someone else. I wish this feeling could just pass and that I'll finally feel a little lighter again, that I'm hanging out with people again, that I go to school again….. for some reason it feels like I need a romantic relationship to actually live. It gives me a weird sense of purpose and gives me a will to live like no other thing can. I hate that, I don't want something like that to have control over me. I want to feel like I have a purpose without that! but I don't know how to get there. It's like I'm stuck in a constant state of misery. Death seems so much easier and calmer for me right now..

I feel this so hard. I don't feel like I'm living for myself. I don't feel like the way a human is supposed to be. You're not alone.