How do I fill the black hole in me that longs for a romantic partner?

[Weebster]

I'm sure I could go to a bar and get a hot girl to hookup, but I don't want that. Problem is this black hole in me is in part caused by abandonment issues and abuse I experienced as a child. No therapist has been able to help me with this.

A relationship probably wouldn't even work since I'm on disability.
:(

 

[TriggerHappy]

easy. heroin. nothing else matters....

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Do what i do ! Completly and utterly give up all hope and develop requiem over heaven tier anhedonia :D Why be loved and happy, when you can slowly devolve into an unfeeling terminator.

 

[cooldude420]

What would this person (romantic partner) give you?

 

[Weebster]

Do what i do ! Completly and utterly give up all hope and develop requiem over heaven tier anhedonia :D Why be loved and happy, when you can slowly devolve into an unfeeling terminator.

I think I'm too anxious to become unfeeling completely.

 

[Toxic Positivity]

There are things that are universally attractive. Kindness to others, determination, the ideal combination of softness and will. Deep interests, enthusiasm, that moment in a conversation where it's almost too stimulating, the warmth of a heart-to-heart. Maybe there is some truth to the cliche that we must first be fulfilled ourselves before we seek fulfillment from another. The healthiest relationships I have personally witnessed are comprised of two people who are taking good care of themselves. Let's take care of ourselves first and see what happens, where that gets us.

 

[Weebster]

What would this person (romantic partner) give you?

Companionship, love, someone to enjoy life with

I know of 2 women I'd love to be with but for various reasons it's not possible. But when I'm around them I feel small amounts of those things above that I crave.

There are things that are universally attractive. Kindness to others, determination, the ideal combination of softness and will. Deep interests, enthusiasm, that moment in a conversation where it's almost too stimulating, the warmth of a heart-to-heart. Maybe there is some truth to the cliche that we must first be fulfilled ourselves before we seek fulfillment from another. The healthiest relationships I have personally witnessed are comprised of two people who are taking good care of themselves. Let's take care of ourselves first and see what happens, where that gets us.

The pain is too great to continue to wait.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

I think I'm too anxious to become unfeeling completely.

That's what I used to think too ! This is me now ! It weirdly helps with anxierty to no longer care, feel nor want anything.
(It's... the closest i could find to terminastolfo.)

 

[summers]

I'm sure I could go to a bar and get a hot girl to hookup,

This is god-tier confidence right here! Respect.

 

[Foresight]

This is god-tier confidence right here! Respect.

For real.

We're social, we need people. Solid friendships help curb the romantic need a bit but otherwise all we can do is date a bit if and when that's possible.

 

[cooldude420]

I'm sure I could go to a bar and get a hot girl to hookup

If you can do this, then you're going to have to get out there and date. You'll need to meet people.

 

[HappyForever?]

I'm sure I could go to a bar and get a hot girl to hookup

If you can do this you've already solved the most difficult problem. The rest is all about meeting the right person.

 

[waitingforrest]

That's what I used to think too ! This is me now ! It weirdly helps with anxierty to no longer care, feel nor want anything.
(It's... the closest i could find to terminastolfo.)

That is you now? How are you not getting any girls? Clearly they have poor standards to reject terminastolfo.

 

[Weebster]

If you can do this you've already solved the most difficult problem. The rest is all about meeting the right person.

I have no opportunities to meet anyone. On disability so no meeting coworkers. Colleges require the vaccine, I heard.

 

[summers]

I have no opportunities to meet anyone.

You literally just said "I'm sure I could go to a bar and get a hot girl to hookup." This implies both plenty of opportunity and ability to meet someone.

 

[Weebster]

You literally just said "I'm sure I could go to a bar and get a hot girl to hookup." This implies both plenty of opportunity and ability to meet someone.

I was being overly optimistic. I have no friends so i'd have to go by myself. Women don't tend to like guys at bars who are alone. If one could overlook that, then maybe. My honesty would shoot me in the foot though when they ask what I do for work.

 

[lyles]

There are some options available to you if you are willing to put yourself out there. There's the classic of communicating with people online first, then meeting up later. This does come with risks of catfishing and such though. Going out to community events and public spaces is another one though!

Honestly, confidence can be super attractive itself. Disabled people are also worthy of love and there are people who will love someone regardless of it. Know what you want out of a relationship, put yourself out there, and take things as they come.

Give yourself and others a chance. And even if you get shot down, it's worth another go, I would say. Rejection can suck, but I find myself hung up on the "what if"'s way more than anything. I am hoping the best for you, whatever you choose!

 

[Weebster]

There are some options available to you if you are willing to put yourself out there. There's the classic of communicating with people online first, then meeting up later. This does come with risks of catfishing and such though. Going out to community events and public spaces is another one though!

Honestly, confidence can be super attractive itself. Disabled people are also worthy of love and there are people who will love someone regardless of it. Know what you want out of a relationship, put yourself out there, and take things as they come.

Give yourself and others a chance. And even if you get shot down, it's worth another go, I would say. Rejection can suck, but I find myself hung up on the "what if"'s way more than anything. I am hoping the best for you, whatever you choose!

Thanks.

This is god-tier confidence right here! Respect.

It would take more than one go though before my mind would match how I appear to others. My mind is broken and insecure.

 

[Marktheghost]

There are things that are universally attractive. Kindness to others, determination, the ideal combination of softness and will. Deep interests, enthusiasm, that moment in a conversation where it's almost too stimulating, the warmth of a heart-to-heart.

As far as I know I can provide all that, and still noone wants to be friends with me!
In theory, you fill the hole with friends I've been trying to all my life though (in particular, female friends) and it's never worked!
Oh why do ss do that? The 2nd line was in response to the op, not optingOut.

 

[glad it’s night]

I have the same problem.

A friend told me: don't focus on the black hole because there will always be something lacking. Focus on the good things, what you do have. He says gratitude will make me magnetic because people will feel that vibe.

Easier said than done though. My brain loves to dwell on the negative and the lack. But I'm trying it.

There are things that are universally attractive. Kindness to others, determination, the ideal combination of softness and will. Deep interests, enthusiasm, that moment in a conversation where it's almost too stimulating, the warmth of a heart-to-heart. Maybe there is some truth to the cliche that we must first be fulfilled ourselves before we seek fulfillment from another. The healthiest relationships I have personally witnessed are comprised of two people who are taking good care of themselves. Let's take care of ourselves first and see what happens, where that gets us.

Thank You! This is extremely helpful and you said it perfectly.

 

[Britvik]

There are things that are universally attractive. Kindness to others, determination, the ideal combination of softness and will. Deep interests, enthusiasm, that moment in a conversation where it's almost too stimulating, the warmth of a heart-to-heart. Maybe there is some truth to the cliche that we must first be fulfilled ourselves before we seek fulfillment from another. The healthiest relationships I have personally witnessed are comprised of two people who are taking good care of themselves. Let's take care of ourselves first and see what happens, where that gets us.

Wise words! Thank you for the reminder
While I'm fortunate to have a loving wife, I still struggle with self-hatred. When I do this to myself I indirectly affect my wonderful wife Remembering this makes me hate myself again. Aaaaargh!!

"I am worthy, I am worthy, I am worthy…"

 

[whatevs]

I think I'm too anxious to become unfeeling completely.

I don´t think that even schizoids lack feelings, they must be socially miserable in their own ways. What we can do is tame our feelings, get to know them really well and see what can we do with the mess we have on our hands. It´s funny that to me having IRL life friends is more pressing than romance, I see very clearly how one thing would lead to the other too.

 

[houseofleaves]

Make yourself a tulpa. I'm serious.

 

[whatevs]

Make yourself a tulpa. I'm serious.

Is that basically like a personal egregor?

 

[houseofleaves]

Is that basically like a personal egregor?

Hm, yeah, something like that.

 

[Cosmic dust]

There are things that are universally attractive. Kindness to others, determination, the ideal combination of softness and will. Deep interests, enthusiasm, that moment in a conversation where it's almost too stimulating, the warmth of a heart-to-heart. Maybe there is some truth to the cliche that we must first be fulfilled ourselves before we seek fulfillment from another. The healthiest relationships I have personally witnessed are comprised of two people who are taking good care of themselves. Let's take care of ourselves first and see what happens, where that gets us.

I believe this to be only partly true, that is because our interactions with other people can affect our life experiences, our mood, our mental health. Saying that a person needs to be 100% healthy and fulfilled before she can have relationships would imply that people don't need relationships and healthy interactions with other human beings at all.

 

[quakociaptockh2]

@Weebster , what disability do you have?

Did you have at least 1 girl in your life?

 

[Weebster]

I don´t think that even schizoids lack feelings, they must be socially miserable in their own ways. What we can do is tame our feelings, get to know them really well and see what can we do with the mess we have on our hands. It´s funny that to me having IRL life friends is more pressing than romance, I see very clearly how one thing would lead to the other too.

I feel like my feelings are as extreme as someone with BPD. Cptsd and bpd overlap

Make yourself a tulpa. I'm serious.

How? And how would it help?

@Weebster , what disability do you have?

Did you have at least 1 girl in your life?

Ocd and ptsd.

I've had many chances over the years, but they've dwindled in part because of the pandemic and because I left the city. Rent in the city has gone up a lot.

A problem that I'm facing is meeting older women who have substance but aren't interested due to age difference. Going back to my generation and below is emotionally and intellectually unfulfilling.

 

[CrazyMary]

If you can do this you've already solved the most difficult problem. The rest is all about meeting the right person.

It can take waaay longer to meet the right person but at least you will go out and have fun

 

[Weebster]

It can take waaay longer to meet the right person but at least you will go out and have fun

I want to meet the right person. That's my desire. That's why I can't ctb. But I'm on disability so I'm not a good option as a partner. I hate this