How do I end up back here every night

[Nolan96]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this.
I decide to not use this site because it's a distraction from trying to recover and live my life and then I just get dragged so far under to such a low place that this site becomes the only thing that I can stand to even look at, to the point where I feel like anything else would harm me more.
So many years of this cycle of constantly sinking, gasping, and sinking again.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

The lure of this place is quite strong. I've gone without SS for months at a time but always end up circling back. Misery, boredom and loneliness are my defaults. There is no true, lasting escape for my depression or symptoms. I have promised myself I will keep going until I am utterly and completely spent, but ctb is like a drum beating in the background of my life. I never know how long I'll be able to go on. Could be a year, could be ten. I just have a sense that things will end badly for me.

 

[whatevs]

I try to avoid the threads about people actually killing themselves and only talk with those that bitch about their lives but try to be less miserable and aren't preparing a PhD on an exit bag or a poisonous tree.

Though I understand that it's a good thing that people that actually are going to proceed can exchange information and share moments together. Personally I had enough interacting with two goodbye threads in real time.

I will probably stop using this site soon, I hope.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Honestly whenever I've taken breaks from the site it gave me the motivation to write on my suicide notes because without this site, my suicidal feelings actually get bad enough to be able to focus on my note more.

I usually come here most out of boredom though.

 

[KimKevorkian]

I felt I'd pull back, but found the temporary comfort of others keeps me from disabling my account. Once I know Nessie's in better circumstances, I no doubt will disable account at that point. But, damn, it's pretty hard to give up, as I can't discuss these feelings with anyone else (certainly not in the States with a psychologist or anyone in mental health). A woman I know did that and her therapist called the cops and they took her away in cuffs. What betrayal. Nobody want to risk legal liability. Only causes us and those feelings and our risked vulnerabilities to go further underground.

 

[Angi]

I also find myself here a lot. I guess this is because it is the only place in my life where I can currently share about the waters I feel drawn into. Here, sharing anonimously, other people's problems are apparently not as scary as in the real world.

... a PhD on an exit bag or a poisonous tree.

This sounds very interesting! Could you point me to the thread?