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M19R

M19R

Member
Aug 12, 2024
57
I want to get better and i think if i figure out how to get around the problems i have socially it will help a lot. Im autistic and dont often understand where boundaries lie or if im upsetting people and i want to know how to understand better.

I dont need the most basic level stuff like they give to kids. What im looking for is how to handle conflicts, how to tell the difference between playful arguments and actually being upset, how to build and form lasting relationships, all especially with other neurodivergent people.

Can anyone help? I dont want to be a problem forever and i feel like i am making the lives of my loved ones worse. If anyone has any information i would really appreciate it.
 
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M19R

M19R

Member
Aug 12, 2024
57
Honestly maybe i shouldn't have asked. I keep fucking things up and i should have to be responsible for that myself.
 
orpheus_

orpheus_

Student
Apr 26, 2024
150
I have a similar problem, so I wish I knew the answers myself... Though for me the main problems stem from anxiety and bad experiences with people and I'm not on autism spectrum. That said, I did find some things that generally help in social interactions. I think I have decent social skills and I know what "works", I just back off from relationships because of fear and shame and "oh I'm not good enough for them probably" etc. (this is the worst trap tbh)

I found that when people see someone who's quiet, looks irritated or leaves meetings suddendly, they tend to assume that person doesn't want their companion and withdraw from the relationship. So if you're feeling bad, and you know people see it, it's good to tell them something like - "hey, I know I might look a bit mad at the moment but it's not because of you, it's just something in my own life". Or "I might not talk much today, because I'm feeling quite tired but I still want to spend time with you guys".
Like explaining some of your behaviors often makes things easier so people don't misinterpret them. People often need reassurance that you DO want their companion, especially if they ever struggled socially themselves.

And the other way around, if you aren't sure what someone's words/behavior mean, ask. I know people are not always straightforward even when asked directly but if they are not jerks they should understand and explain. Also if you aren't sure if something you are doing is okay, it's also good to ask directly. Like for example I have a tendency for dark humour and telling people grim fun facts.. so if I'm not sure if someone's sensitive to that I always try to ask when I'm approaching this territory. Like I know some people are made uncomfortable by mentions of some topics or graphic descriptions. Or, another example, people have very different preferences regarding physical contact, for example some people are very much fine with hugging random strangers they barely talked to, while others prefer to keep their personal space. Generally observing how a said person behaves can give you some cues, but asking is good too. Like if for example you want to sit very close to someone and you're not sure if they are fine with it, ask.

I often catch myself doing questionable things AFTER the fact, like mentioning topics I'm not sure if someone's comfortable about. But I think that even after the thing, asking whether something was okay or if it made the other person uncomfortable is still quite helpful so you will know in the future. Remember making mistakes is okay, and people mostly care about intentions so if you apologize and say you didn't know something was wrong, then that's just a normal thing and doesn't mean that relationship has to end.

That also goes to solving conflicts, being clear about your intentions and what you meant is very important, I think, same as asking directly if you don't know if you interpreted something the correct way. Many conflicts arise from misunderstandings. I know not all of them, and it's generally tricky. But when things are unclear, they're much harder to solve. Generally when there's a difficult situation, looking at it from the other person's perspective is often what helps. Like, figuring out what they think and feel. It can be more or less difficult for people, I know. But when you see someone's perspective, you can know where the actual problem of the conflict lies and how to find a solution that will be reasonable for both sides.

Another thing. Generally speaking people like to be "remembered about", I mean even in small things like remembering about their birthday. Or when you see something that reminds you of them of something they like, and you send it/show it to them. I think that really gives them that "oh, this person remembers things about me, that must mean they actually care". Like for example I have a friend who's an artist and has a really distinct painting style, so sometimes when I see some art that reminds me of it I send it to her. Or I know a person who's interested in a very specific style of clothing so I send them photos of cool items I find in that style. Even something seemingly small like "someone likes cats, you meet a cat on the street and send them a picture of the cat". I think that - *remembering about someone- is one of those seemingly small things that really solidifies relationships, and makes that transition from "we happen to talk sometimes" to "we are friends".

Sorry if that's too long or if I said things that are obvious to you. These are the things that came into my mind for now. You do deserve human interaction and relationships, and you don't need to be perfect for that. Also yes you're allowed to ask for help with that and you don't have to figure it out alone. Navigating people can be hard as hell, especially if you're neurodivergent so asking is perfectly fine
 
Last edited:
  • Like
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M19R

M19R

Member
Aug 12, 2024
57
I have a similar problem, so I wish I knew the answers myself... Though for me the main problems stem from anxiety and bad experiences with people and I'm not on autism spectrum. That said, I did find some things that generally help in social interactions. I think I have decent social skills and I know what "works", I just back off from relationships because of fear and shame and "oh I'm not good enough for them probably" etc. (this is the worst trap tbh)

I found that when people see someone who's quiet, looks irritated or leaves meetings suddendly, they tend to assume that person doesn't want their companion and withdraw from the relationship. So if you're feeling bad, and you know people see it, it's good to tell them something like - "hey, I know I might look a bit mad at the moment but it's not because of you, it's just something in my own life". Or "I might not talk much today, because I'm feeling quite tired but I still want to spend time with you guys".
Like explaining some of your behaviors often makes things easier so people don't misinterpret them. People often need reassurance that you DO want their companion, especially if they ever struggled socially themselves.

And the other way around, if you aren't sure what someone's words/behavior mean, ask. I know people are not always straightforward even when asked directly but if they are not jerks they should understand and explain. Also if you aren't sure if something you are doing is okay, it's also good to ask directly. Like for example I have a tendency for dark humour and telling people grim fun facts.. so if I'm not sure if someone's sensitive to that I always try to ask when I'm approaching this territory. Like I know some people are made uncomfortable by mentions of some topics or graphic descriptions. Or, another example, people have very different preferences regarding physical contact, for example some people are very much fine with hugging random strangers they barely talked to, while others prefer to keep their personal space. Generally observing how a said person behaves can give you some cues, but asking is good too. Like if for example you want to sit very close to someone and you're not sure if they are fine with it, ask.

I often catch myself doing questionable things AFTER the fact, like mentioning topics I'm not sure if someone's comfortable about. But I think that even after the thing, asking whether something was okay or if it made the other person uncomfortable is still quite helpful so you will know in the future. Remember making mistakes is okay, and people mostly care about intentions so if you apologize and say you didn't know something was wrong, then that's just a normal thing and doesn't mean that relationship has to end.

That also goes to solving conflicts, being clear about your intentions and what you meant is very important, I think, same as asking directly if you don't know if you interpreted something the correct way. Many conflicts arise from misunderstandings. I know not all of them, and it's generally tricky. But when things are unclear, they're much harder to solve. Generally when there's a difficult situation, looking at it from the other person's perspective is often what helps. Like, figuring out what they think and feel. It can be more or less difficult for people, I know. But when you see someone's perspective, you can know where the actual problem of the conflict lies and how to find a solution that will be reasonable for both sides.

Another thing. Generally speaking people like to be "remembered about", I mean even in small things like remembering about their birthday. Or when you see something that reminds you of them of something they like, and you send it/show it to them. I think that really gives them that "oh, this person remembers things about me, that must mean they actually care". Like for example I have a friend who's an artist and has a really distinct painting style, so sometimes when I see some art that reminds me of it I send it to her. Or I know a person who's interested in a very specific style of clothing so I send them photos of cool items I find in that style. Even something seemingly small like "someone likes cats, you meet a cat on the street and send them a picture of the cat". I think that - *remembering about someone- is one of those seemingly small things that really solidifies relationships, and makes that transition from "we happen to talk sometimes" to "we are friends".

Sorry if that's too long or if I said things that are obvious to you. These are the things that came into my mind for now. You do deserve human interaction and relationships, and you don't need to be perfect for that. Also yes you're allowed to ask for help with that and you don't have to figure it out alone. Navigating people can be hard as hell, especially if you're neurodivergent so asking is perfectly fine
Mostly im trying to figure out how to stop upsetting people by accident and how to stop having them assume its on purpose.
 

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