How do I determine whether I'm ugly

[dmdmdm]

Like I know I look fucked up to some extent, but I think I myself can't really decide whether I'm truly ugly or not. Nobody ever told me specifically that I was, but I haven't been told otherwise either. If I asked someone, theyd rather try to neglect the question, telling me "oh no and also you have got xxx qualities, so who Cares". I think that's a strong signal that I might be, or am I misinterpreting it?

 

[Argo]

It's just the wrong question. Like "How should I know which of my fingers to amputate?" The answer is just, "That's not a question worth being interested in". Worry instead about the kind of person you are, because that's what is actually meaningful. Whether or not you're conventionally seen as ugly by most people or not, can't possibly matter, even though we can get very caught up in feeling as if it does. It can be very powerful, as if it has some sort of reality to it. It doesn't. But what kind of people we are does matter(if anything at all matters). The reason that matters is because it would determine what kind of impact you have on the world and on others, and that is one of the main contexts by which anything can matter, can make things better, can make things worse, etc.

 

[Superdeterminist]

You can tell how attractive you are by how many people display an interest in you, and how attractive they themselves are. If you keep getting interest from attractive people, then you are attractive. I wish it weren't so simple, but in my experience, it is.

 

[ashtoreth]

I partly agree and partly disagree with Argo. While from an idealistic and ethical POV it definitely shouldn't matter, in reality sadly it often does, afaik theories indicate causes lying in appearance being unconsciously linked to health, don't know if it's backed by research, haven't looked into this before.

It's a difficult question. To begin with, even if many people would view person X to be '"ugly", others might not, sometimes even to the contrary. Also true for "beautiful".
Asking someone presents them and you with a problem in the case that they would personally dislike your appearance, because they would mostly be empathic and know it would hurt you, so they would try to evade it with euphemisms, so you would be none the wiser.

I once asked a related question online anonymously with photos supplied, I don't remember where, something like reddit. Now that comes with other problems. If it's anonymous, there will be people, and a lot of them, who get off on bullying, and they will say anything that hurts you. Especially in anonymous places, which appears to be logical. The difficulty would lie in staying rational and calm and filtering those out, also being aware that you're getting a population sample that might not be representative at all either, and being aware that, like stated above, there might still be people who would think differently than those who respond, to different extents and in varying numbers.

If you already struggle with ideas of being "ugly" or undesirable, you will also be biased and it will be next to impossible to avoid your mind jumping to the interpretations it's expecting or fearing. You could be pretty to someone and they could say "you are pretty", and you would find something that you would view as indication or even proof that they're lying, or misjudging, or whatever. So the being rational and filtering plan goes out the window. Even if you can uphold it for a time, your fears will come back at later times to haunt you.

I'm not quite sure if the results of such an endeavour would be constructive or beneficial for you. What is the purpose? What are the consequences? How influencial is it, given the probability that there will be people who will disagree with the majority?

Also, if you're in doubt yourself already that it truly is bad, I have doubts too.
And, there are people who would love you despite finding you unattractive physically. While that is not so common, it does happen, and then we are finally down to the most important thing: your mind.
A beautiful person who bullies people, abuses their partner, commits crimes, idk what, I think most people will agree that this is damn unattractive. So beautiful will not prevail automatically always.
Beauty will also fade with age, so what keeps people together is entirely other stuff.

So I guess there is no final answer, because most probably there will be different opinions and if the concern is about human connection, that will depend on the circumstances aswell.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

You can tell how attractive you are by how many people display an interest in you, and how attractive they themselves are. If you keep getting interest from attractive people, then you are attractive. I wish it weren't so simple, but in my experience, it is.

True but confidence also factors in

 

[damyon]

Post a picture on a forum (e.g., reddit) without directly asking if you're ugly and observe the engagement it receives
Compare the number of likes/comments on your post to those on other people's posts.
If your post gets more likes and comments than the average, it's a good sign that you're not ugly.

 

[thealteredmind]

Like I know I look fucked up to some extent, but I think I myself can't really decide whether I'm truly ugly or not. Nobody ever told me specifically that I was, but I haven't been told otherwise either. If I asked someone, theyd rather try to neglect the question, telling me "oh no and also you have got xxx qualities, so who Cares". I think that's a strong signal that I might be, or am I misinterpreting it?

unless you got a big deformity... I doubt you are ugly. also if you are dude... wouldn't worry. while looks ARE important of course... you need to compensate with personality... that's how eventually girls fall in love with you. I mean, just dress as good as you can... and then talk to as much girls as you can.

if you are girl... more or less same deal. guys nowadays fuck everything haha. so there's always someone who will choose you.

 

[astr4]

i posted on amiugly but ymmv cause i found myself skeptical

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Like I know I look fucked up to some extent, but I think I myself can't really decide whether I'm truly ugly or not. Nobody ever told me specifically that I was, but I haven't been told otherwise either. If I asked someone, theyd rather try to neglect the question, telling me "oh no and also you have got xxx qualities, so who Cares". I think that's a strong signal that I might be, or am I misinterpreting it?

Whether we like to admit or not beauty is subjective. Sure there is a standard that is imposed to us by seeing ads of pretty people etc but in the end it is personal. Besides, if you really like someone for who they are I think you'll probably start liking their appearance too. I used to think this one girl was just normal looking but now I find her gorgeous. I haven't been told I'm pretty by anyone other than like my mom or grandma but one time a friend of mine said I wasn't ugly (if that counts for anything lol).

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Whether you look attractive or not will likely depend on the person. While there are some biologically ingrained elements of attractiveness, like having a mathematically average face, a lot of factors going into it go beyond that. Societal beauty standards, other people's opinions on attractiveness (which can also tie into societal beauty standards), the mere exposure effect, social status, people's own individual experiences, and proper styling can all play major roles in how attractive you are to others. While it might be a hypocritical coming from me, someone who has talked before on here about being ugly and finding themself in distressed over it, it is something that you shouldn't bother caring too much about. Hell, you have people who talk about constantly being called ugly throughout their life until they either become famous, like with Anya Taylor-Joy, or until they move to a country where fit the beauty ideal.

Becoming obsessed over whether you are ugly or not isn't going to help you and will probably just end up hurting you. It's honestly healthier to try and just not give a fuck about that kind of stuff.

 

[Artemisia]

Unless you have some obvious and gross deformity, you're not ugly! There are all sorts of tastes out there and, as long as you're average enough, your personality, confidence, sense of humour, wit, etc, are far more important in finding someone to be with. Unless, of course, you only want Tinder one night stands... I have nothing to say about that.

 

[DolerDolerDoler]

go to reddit

 

[lovedread]

Like I know I look fucked up to some extent, but I think I myself can't really decide whether I'm truly ugly or not. Nobody ever told me specifically that I was, but I haven't been told otherwise either. If I asked someone, theyd rather try to neglect the question, telling me "oh no and also you have got xxx qualities, so who Cares". I think that's a strong signal that I might be, or am I misinterpreting it?

I used to wonder this and still do sometimes but tbh it doesn't matter. Different types of people will find you attractive to different degrees…youll likely never know how everyone perceives u bc everyone sees u differently.

go to reddit

Nooo cause ive seen beautiful ppl be called ugly there and vice versa lol it will likely just put a dent in your ego even if you are attractive

 

[snowbird]

Everyone is raising a lot of good points here and I don't wanna repeat it all, since I pretty much agree with most stuff.

So in my experience it mostly depends on the individual who's looking at you.
If you ask someone directly and they don't give you a straight answer, there's usually only two options, 'psychological-wise'

Either they don't fancy you and in their eyes you are unattractive but they don't wanna hurt you, so try to emphasize other things, not related to looks, that they think are great about you. (like you described in your first post)

Or. They actually do think you're attractive but they are shy about it/don't wanna ruin the friendship or admit that they like you in that kind of sense, so they avoid complimenting you at all costs. (I was guilty of the latter once, pretended to not give a fuck about someone's looks because I didn't wanna give them the satisfaction of knowing that I thought they looked hot)

 

[cryone]

id like to preface that i find attractiveness one of the most meaningless qualities of a person. but society is different n it sadly plays a major role in treatment, opportunities, and basically every aspect of life. to answer your question on how to determine if youre "attractive," you should consider: 1. how kids view you, 2. how people treat you.

some kids really don't have filters at all, and they are very unlikely to lie to you abt your appearance. people will generally treat you better if you're more attractive.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

since i am speaking from personal experience, it does matter in some aspects, but what matters most is how you view yourself. i hate being told "who cares as long as you have a good personality", i don't even know what that means. i don't have a good personality at all so i guess i am repulsive in both ways. people tell me i'm pretty, i look in the mirror and i know i am not. i do not look the way that i personally find pretty, so it makes me ill. i repulse myself. people tell me what they think i want to hear. i don't care what others think, it's how i feel about myself. how you view yourself is personal to you. going by what others say is meaningless.

i also agree that you should ask a kid. you don't even need to ask, they will usually be the first to point out something physically isn't right with you. i remember a kid asking an mildly overweight relative if they were pregnant. no filters at all.

 

[KillingPain267]

Like I know I look fucked up to some extent, but I think I myself can't really decide whether I'm truly ugly or not. Nobody ever told me specifically that I was, but I haven't been told otherwise either. If I asked someone, theyd rather try to neglect the question, telling me "oh no and also you have got xxx qualities, so who Cares". I think that's a strong signal that I might be, or am I misinterpreting it?

That is subjective. Many have objected to the subjectivity of what beauty is by referring to polls where certain traits are commonly mentioned. But key word is commonly. Even if a poll of 100 million people has 98% saying you are ugly, and 2% said you are attractive, then who is to invalidate the opinion of 2 million people finding you attractive? It's still not objective measurement. So my point is that there is no absolute answer since we are dealing with human opinions only. I've been called both ugly and attractive and in both cases it was clear statements. Also in their behavior (some running away from me and others going after me).

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

What celebrity do you look like?

 

[dolemitedrums]

If you want to send me a picture I'll tell you what you are on the ten point scale.

 

[Hotsackage]

Looks are irrelevant, people are just assholes

 

[Dark Window]

Ugly and beauty are subjective, but some people are more attractive than others based on how many people are interested.

That being said most people are average looking, so most people need to develop a noticeable personality and presence to attract a significant amount of partners.

 

[dmdmdm]

I partly agree and partly disagree with Argo. While from an idealistic and ethical POV it definitely shouldn't matter, in reality sadly it often does, afaik theories indicate causes lying in appearance being unconsciously linked to health, don't know if it's backed by research, haven't looked into this before.

It's a difficult question. To begin with, even if many people would view person X to be '"ugly", others might not, sometimes even to the contrary. Also true for "beautiful".
Asking someone presents them and you with a problem in the case that they would personally dislike your appearance, because they would mostly be empathic and know it would hurt you, so they would try to evade it with euphemisms, so you would be none the wiser.

I once asked a related question online anonymously with photos supplied, I don't remember where, something like reddit. Now that comes with other problems. If it's anonymous, there will be people, and a lot of them, who get off on bullying, and they will say anything that hurts you. Especially in anonymous places, which appears to be logical. The difficulty would lie in staying rational and calm and filtering those out, also being aware that you're getting a population sample that might not be representative at all either, and being aware that, like stated above, there might still be people who would think differently than those who respond, to different extents and in varying numbers.

If you already struggle with ideas of being "ugly" or undesirable, you will also be biased and it will be next to impossible to avoid your mind jumping to the interpretations it's expecting or fearing. You could be pretty to someone and they could say "you are pretty", and you would find something that you would view as indication or even proof that they're lying, or misjudging, or whatever. So the being rational and filtering plan goes out the window. Even if you can uphold it for a time, your fears will come back at later times to haunt you.

I'm not quite sure if the results of such an endeavour would be constructive or beneficial for you. What is the purpose? What are the consequences? How influencial is it, given the probability that there will be people who will disagree with the majority?

Also, if you're in doubt yourself already that it truly is bad, I have doubts too.
And, there are people who would love you despite finding you unattractive physically. While that is not so common, it does happen, and then we are finally down to the most important thing: your mind.
A beautiful person who bullies people, abuses their partner, commits crimes, idk what, I think most people will agree that this is damn unattractive. So beautiful will not prevail automatically always.
Beauty will also fade with age, so what keeps people together is entirely other stuff.

So I guess there is no final answer, because most probably there will be different opinions and if the concern is about human connection, that will depend on the circumstances aswell.

That's a really thoughtful and good reply, I thank you very much for that!