anon7245
Member
- Jun 8, 2024
- 15
It's been almost 9 months since my ex broke up with me. We were only together for a year and 11 months, and out of nowhere she sends me a lengthy paragraph explaining why she wants to leave me (with some flowery language to convince me it's better for both of us) and I took a few days to respond to process what was happening to me. And after I sent my own lengthy paragraph explaining why we should work through it she just continues to sell me this message she wants to leave so she can "grow" as a person, unwilling to even tell me face to face but over text. So I wait a couple weeks before trying to message her again that I want to meet and work things through and I could just tell immediately she had already gotten over the break up, and lacked any sortve feelings for me. I tried yet again in a month and a half later to work things through but was met with the same emotionless callous (I hadn't said anything inherently mean to cause this, other than anger at the lack of effort) to which I snapped and hoped she'd never find happiness for breaking my heart to which she rightfully blocked me on everything. But I felt bad for saying that, so once a month I'd send her letters expressing how sorry I was and still being open to rekindling any love. Until after she finally told me in February to stop sending her letters, so I did. Come to find out back in May she had found a partner already (at least during valentines probably before) and while I've been grueling through the ideas of either dealing with the situation in my own way, or simply accepting maybe she's better off without me and much happier with her new partner, I can't help but still want her back even after all this pain she's caused me. It's worse than any physical pain I can imagine. I've never loved anything in my life, at all. Not my family, not my friends, definitely not myself (although when my personality switches it may feel like a sense of appreciation for who I am) but she was the one thing I cared about, and I was thrown away and disregarded as nothing. She affirmed to me she wasn't cheating on me but who knows whether that was true or she had already started developing feelings for her current partner, none of that really matters I guess. I've thought about killing myself over it, but this was before I learned she had moved onto someone else, since I thought maybe I was the entire reason for this breakup. But looking back on how we both handled it, and reflecting on it, I definitely was a problem, but to see how she lied to me at the end and to completely not care about me despite "always going to have love for me" I can't help but wonder what is the proper way a normal-ish human deals with these type of scenarios? It makes me sick that I still would likely take her back if given the chance but I know it won't happen. I know this isn't really about my suicidal feelings but I have nowhere else to express this type of pain.