Venting how different your life could have been

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

just in a mood to vent a little..
i often think of my life and what could have been, if i hadnt been born with this face. i feel like my appearance affected literally every aspeect of my existence, from how others treated me to my hobbies. like i wouldnt had been bullied as a kid, so i probably would have never developed a fear of sports where id been bullied the most, and therefore would probably grow up at least somewhat athletic and not overweight. i would have completely different friends and interests, i would have never been suicidal or had mental health problems. i would never be interested in heavy music or horror, i wouldnt look like i do now, wouldnt talk like i do now, every single aspect of my life would be different
but that makes me wonder if this is really my dream or not. becuase although i despise myself, my inner self is still my home. this is my personal experience and it shaped me the way i am today. im miserable and almost completely alone but its me, and there is still something i love about myself just the way i am. im not sure i would trade it for anything except death.
what are your thoughts on the matter? would your life be different in any way if something happened differently? i have no one to talk to rn and in the venting mood hahah so would be glad to chat

 

[Namarupa]

I used to mourn over past mistakes and shitty things that happened throughout my life, but I've come to realize that existence itself is the problem. Had I succeded in my personal goals, I'd probably still be suffering out of sheer boredom. We're unfortunately unable to accept things as they are, so I believe that suffering and struggle is a perennial condition.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My life would be so much different if I hadn't had a big failure in life a few years ago. What would be different? Instead of rotting at home I'd be traveling the world. I wouldn't have suffered depressive episodes. I wouldn't be suicidal. I would be able to enjoy my life. I would live my life how I always wanted it to be. But reality is different - ultimately I made an account here.

 

[Hotsackage]

Me to, but it's cliche, but the present moment is what exists, I am very mentally ill and my father just passed, but it's all about NOW

 

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

Me to, but it's cliche, but the present moment is what exists, I am very mentally ill and my father just passed, but it's all about NOW

im really sorry for your loss.. i hope with time the pain will ease for you

 

[Untimely]

I definitely feel like that. I feel like every thing i did to get to this point was a mistake

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I guess we all wonder where we'd be if certain things had or hadn't happened. The big event for me was my Mum dying when I was 3. If that hadn't happened, my Dad likely wouldn't have remarried. I likely wouldn't have grown up with a (suspected) narcissist and developed maladjusted coping mechanisms to deal with ideation.

I suspect I would be a very different person today without all that. But then there's that whole: 'No point in crying over spilt milk.' It's hard not to wonder sometimes though- how our lives might have turned out under different circumstances. I expect I would be a lot more open and loving now.

 

[theboy]

I would just like to go back in time to correct the mistakes. maybe even make a ctb that actually worked instead of failed attempts.

 

[sserafim]

I feel like my life would be very different if I weren't on the spectrum. I would be successful instead of the failure my parents consider me to be now. I wouldn't have failed to launch after college, and instead would have become a doctor (due to my parents' wishes). They wanted me to be a doctor and my sister to be a lawyer. I'm not sure if I would have preferred this alternate life though. I think that being a normie wouldn't be my cup of tea; I'm not sure if I would enjoy it. Although I hate having ASD, at least it lets me see things from a different perspective than the norm does

 

[Untimely]

I feel like my life would be very different if I weren't on the spectrum. I would be successful instead of the failure my parents consider me to be now. I wouldn't have failed to launch after college, and instead would have become a doctor (due to my parents' wishes). They wanted me to be a doctor and my sister to be a lawyer. I'm not sure if I would have preferred this alternate life though. I think that being a normie wouldn't be my cup of tea; I'm not sure if I would enjoy it. Although I hate having ASD, at least it lets me see things from a different perspective than the norm does

Why do you feel like you would have been successful?

 

[sserafim]

Why do you feel like you would have been successful?

Because ASD is the main thing holding me back. If I were better at socializing, then I probably would have become successful. I went to one of the best schools in the country and excelled at studying, but not social interaction. That's why I've failed in life. My IQ isn't high enough to not need to be good at socializing in order to be successful, I'm not Elon Musk or Albert Einstein

 

[Untimely]

Because ASD is the main thing holding me back. If I were better at socializing, then I probably would have become successful. I went to one of the best schools in the country and excelled at studying, but not social interaction. That's why I've failed in life. My IQ isn't high enough to not need to be good at socializing in order to be successful, I'm not Elon Musk or Albert Einstein

That makes sense. it's an unfair world where it is mainly about who you know rather than who is actually the best at something.

 

[Final_Choice]

I've mourned and have made my peace with what could have been, though it could have been nice. Maybe I could have had a job I like, help people who have gone through similar things, maybe have a partner, idk. I don't think too much about that, but in a perfect world it could have been nice.

 

[FitsTime]

I was born normal, but in bad place and I had physical trauma in youth that made me like this. It could be 1000 times different.

 

[RosesFlourish]

I wish I had a childhood to miss. I was indoors all the time and almost never allowed to hang out with friends outside of school. I could have had times out at the park, rode my bike, had more Pokémon battles with my friends… it really hurts and I still feel lonely sometimes.

 

[Untimely]

I wish I had a childhood to miss. I was indoors all the time and almost never allowed to hang out with friends outside of school. I could have had times out at the park, rode my bike, had more Pokémon battles with my friends… it really hurts and I still feel lonely sometimes.

Thinking about that gives me a lot of nostalgia. Especially the summers. I think i was a lot happier back then

 

[wildflowers1996]

I'm so sorry you feel like that, I relate so much, hating my face has ruined my life

 

[DefinitelyReady]

just in a mood to vent a little..
i often think of my life and what could have been, if i hadnt been born with this face. i feel like my appearance affected literally every aspeect of my existence, from how others treated me to my hobbies. like i wouldnt had been bullied as a kid, so i probably would have never developed a fear of sports where id been bullied the most, and therefore would probably grow up at least somewhat athletic and not overweight. i would have completely different friends and interests, i would have never been suicidal or had mental health problems. i would never be interested in heavy music or horror, i wouldnt look like i do now, wouldnt talk like i do now, every single aspect of my life would be different
but that makes me wonder if this is really my dream or not. becuase although i despise myself, my inner self is still my home. this is my personal experience and it shaped me the way i am today. im miserable and almost completely alone but its me, and there is still something i love about myself just the way i am. im not sure i would trade it for anything except death.
what are your thoughts on the matter? would your life be different in any way if something happened differently? i have no one to talk to rn and in the venting mood hahah so would be glad to chat

That my mom and father might've had a chance at life and happiness if I were the miscarriage instead of the other fetus.

 

[Ashu]

Even a single fact can be all-determining in the inscrutable unfolding of an individual's destiny. For example, my life would certainly have been far better in every way if I hadn't been circumcised at birth, and that's hardly the most serious defect and disadvantage I faced.

 

[tsumihoroboshi]

i feel, even if i had the pretty face and perfect looks, i'd still have been raised in the same shitty environment that got me here. i wouldn't have made more friend regardless of my looks because it was my race that caused my friends parents not to want them around me and tell them i was a bad influence. if i had been prettier would i have dated more irl? who would i even date? the people around me were set.

even if i hadn't dropped out of school, i'd still be living in the same place. wow, i'd have a high school diploma. it's completely worthless in a house where it didn't matter if i did my homework or not. the same shitty people would've still been in my life. my parent couldn't even be arsed to drive me to school one last time so college was never an option.

what if i had stayed with my dad? well, my mental illnesses would still be there but this time i'd be living with someone who'd force God into my life and deny anything was wrong with me. i'd have to watch him abuse my brother which wouldn't help either of us. academically i may have succeeded, but my mental health would still be terrible. i've weighed those pros and cons for years. more cons than pros.

or maybe had i never tried to find friends online i wouldn't have ended up meeting the most psychotic stalkers i'd ever had the misfortune to befriend. my friends are beautiful people, but i disgustingly wonder a lot if i would throw them all away just to make sure i never met the abusive people that i did in my path to meeting my current friends.

maybe if i had been born with a heart, things would be different? or simply... just not born at all?

 

[winterbear]

i'm still mourning it

i dont think about it as much as i used to but its hard to know i had a chance to put my soul back together. i was so happy for the couple of months it looked like it was getting better. its so fucking sad