How did you know that your life was over?

[sadbunny]

For me it's waking up everyday and wishing that I hadn't

 

[Etherealdignity333]

When I realized the extent of the discrepancy between the life I wish I had, and the one I do have, and that everything it would take to even make it anywhere close to that far exceeded the amount of strength, effort, and will that I have remaining after being run over by this train wreck of life.

 

[namelessX8]

the desire for aesthetic perfection, among other things.

 

[not_a_robot]

Every time I am forced to interact with another human IRL, I am reminded that I am fundamentally incapable of communicating with them and I should never have been born. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. Every time it's more certain, and more devastating. I have been dead for a long long time. I will continue to be dead for a long long time.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

I think about ctb everyday now. And often look for other methods. For example wishing I truck would maybe crash into my car and kill me, even though I'm pretty much prepared for the SN method.
I know I have no real chance of achieving much else in life now, so it's time to check out I guess.

 

[HGL91]

I've tried everything in my power to be happy, and nothing has worked...

 

[h0wd1rtygurlsST4Yc1n]

i wasn't in control growing up. i couldn't help how bad my life was. some times i don't feel like things can get better. but i've made them my own version of better. i guess? i never knew what i wanted and now am growing more and more apathetic with age. i totally feel some times im trying to prove im not a fuck up for other people when i really just don't give a damn.

 

[oxymoron]

Cos I feel this

 

[Mbound]

When I realized the extent of the discrepancy between the life I wish I had, and the one I do have, and that everything it would take to even make it anywhere close to that far exceeded the amount of strength, effort, and will that I have remaining after being run over by this train wreck of life.

Yup. This right here. Could have taken the words right out of my mouth.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

When I realized the extent of the discrepancy between the life I wish I had, and the one I do have, and that everything it would take to even make it anywhere close to that far exceeded the amount of strength, effort, and will that I have remaining after being run over by this train wreck of life.

In my case there is nothing I can do. My ex wife doesn't want me back and I've tried.

 

[Laststop]

I had been just living a certain way for so long. It flew in the face of what I thought my life was going to be like. And as the years went on I saw more and more that I had been kidding myself. Either that life was what I thought it was so that I could have the life I wanted, or I was enough to make the life I wanted. Or both. But I was getting by, unhappy as it was. Then I lost everything. I lived a reality of misery that afforded me to fantasize to get by. Without that life anymore I was thrust into a cold and dark place where I can't sustain to be able to live my internal life of fantasy. The little savings I have will dry up, and the darkness will close in. And even if I find another job, I'll never be the same again seeing all this for the first time.

 

[Unlucked]

I do my best but it's never enough. No matter how hard I study at the end of the day I'm still alone, my parents despise me. I am literally trans with no access to medicine. I am unhappy with my career choice for school because I'm literally just going into it for the money because I at least want to make myself useful to my family by giving them money, because I've literally not contributed anything and I'm already 20, I'm constantly told that I'm selfish and useless. I also have crippling body image issues have zero friends half due to being transgender the other half is just because I hate myself. I literally exist on like 1000 calories a day or less and I'm just freaking tired.

 

[Caycee]

I think it is an accumulation of events/experiences over time, and one moment or day, the limit is struck. The issue might seem slight in the eyes of others, but it is that proverbial straw, the final blow, and then comes the full realization that life is done and can't be recovered.

 

[echo_bravo]

I think it is an accumulation of events/experiences over time, and one moment or day, the limit is struck. The issue might seem slight in the eyes of others, but it is that proverbial straw, the final blow, and then comes the full realization that life is done and can't be recovered.

Pretty much how I've seen things. I hit the point where I knew how things ended quite a while ago. I've delayed and delayed. Got pretty good at lying to myself.

 

[Mr2005]

That my cousin who was born the year my problems started is now only a couple of years away from being the age I was when they started. An entire generation has passed me by because I didn't do something on the internet. Something every kid now knows like the back of their hand. There's people on here ready to take their own life and it doesn't even feel like they should be old enough. They grew up while I was stoned or asleep and I grew old just waiting for my parents to sort something out they never had any intention of. That is entirely my fault but in this day and age that I barely recognise with everyone having smartphones it couldn't possibly have happened and naturally that makes me bitter. I was born at the wrong time. That or I just left everything too late

 

[namemanthedeadman]

I was in the 8th grade when I first realized the pointlessness of it all, I watched as other people easily fit into the world, while I was too nervous to even sit in the classroom, my head started to go to the thought of what would people think if I had a terminal illness? Would they actually start to care about me?

I continued on this line of thinking until, eventually I came up with the idea of ctb, my first attempt was when I was 15, (but it wasn't much of an attempt) I wrote a letter, put it in a zip lock bag, and went to the bridge, I started to look over the edge and I got nervous someone would stop me so I kept walking around the bridge, until a security guard stopped me and told me that I couldn't be there. I got really scared so I left the bridge and went home. I thought if I was honest and told my mom I felt this way I could possibly escape this poisonous mindset I've been trapped in. I was sent to the mental health ward at a children's hospital, they gave me some new medication and told me that everything should be better now.

I've since dropped out of school just 2 months shy of graduating and I've been trying new methods to finally seek that peace I had longed for since I was 14, but nothing has worked yet. I've honestly just checked out of life years ago, I'm only here now because I still haven't had the guts to finally ctb.

I'm sorry this wasn't typed very well, I'm all out of cigarettes and I'm unbelievably stress out rn, I'm gonna go try some partial suspension again, since it seems to calm me down, even if I haven't been successful with it.

 

[tiredofchronicpain]

For me its being robbed a life by chronic dental pain resulting from flossing. I live with sharp pains in teeth from flossing too deeply - the worst pain you can imagine. Its like electric switches all over my face.

This is no fucking way to live.

 

[Emily123]

Sometimes I am thinking that I am already death and I am in hell. I am suffering everyday . all doors are closed to me and there is no hope to get better .

 

[a_strange_day]

I knew very early that I wouldn't fit no matter what, at 13-14 I started to really struggle with everyday situations and feel fundamentaly different, I knew I would never have a family, children or anything that makes life worthy for the vast majority of people
it was 25 years ago and at that time depression or "differences" were taboo subjects, the best you could do is try to hide it and survive, you "had" to take it or die, there was nothing in between. my life was over before it even started

 

[Roger]

Sometimes I am thinking that I am already death and I am in hell. I am suffering everyday . all doors are closed to me and there is no hope to get better .

How long have you felt this way ?

 

[not_a_robot]

I think it is an accumulation of events/experiences over time, and one moment or day, the limit is struck. The issue might seem slight in the eyes of others, but it is that proverbial straw, the final blow, and then comes the full realization that life is done and can't be recovered.

At 23 I had what looked like a great job and a great future ahead. A beautiful guy in my office got a crush on me and he was so perfect, everything I wanted. And I realized every time I thought of trying to explain my life and my feelings about it, to him or any other person, that it would just make more sense to die, because trying to connect with anyone was pointless. Every time we were together I would become unable to speak, which he mistook for silent disapproval of him (like his mother's), which only made him more determined to win my love. The whole thing was such a stupid misunderstanding, and there was no way I could explain it to him. He eventually quit his job over it. So did I. Major suicide fuel. Not him in particular, just realizing how impossible it was to make myself understood, even to a man who I worshipped and who *thought* he worshipped me. The impossibility of all human communication.
Shortly after, I just said "To hell with life, to hell with my job, if I can't manage to kill myself, I need to take a job more likely to get me killed."
So I became a prostitute. The job did not kill me, just made me wish I was dead every day (which was nothing new, just more intense).

It's also relevant that the company the guy and I worked for was very corrupt, about to be the cause of a major nationwide economic crash. I kept trying to tell people this and nobody believed me because they all thought the company stock price was going up, up, up, forever.
Of course I was eventually proven right. Being right and nobody believing me just made me want to die even more. I was done with corporate jobs at that point. I was the youngest employee in my office and every time I tried to show the others our accounting flaws, they would laugh at me and say I was crazy, "Oh, Chicken Little, Chicken Little, you always think the sky is falling, ha ha ha!"
A year later the sky fell, those morons lost their pensions and 401k, and none of them ever even thanked me afterward, for trying to warn them. I decided right then, I would never work for anyone except myself ever again, even if that meant being a whore.

 

[Emily123]

How long have you felt this way ?

It is almost one month . After I saw the CT scan from head and doctors told me that bones are in a bad condition. I was looking for revion before it . But I am disappointed now .

 

[k75]

I was in pre-op, waiting to have the most devastating surgery of my life, and I was trying to convince my best friend for the twentieth time that we should just go back home because I was terrified and absolutely did not want to go through with it. But he said no, because if I did that, I would die.

He held my hand and looked at me sadly and said, "I'm just afraid you'll never be happy again."

Turns out he was right, and I knew it as soon as he said it. And it doesn't matter that I survived, because that day was the end of everything.

 

[Nooneislistening727]

For me it's waking up everyday and wishing that I hadn't

This group is extactly where I belong.

This group is extactly where I belong.

Every time I am forced to interact with another human IRL, I am reminded that I am fundamentally incapable of communicating with them and I should never have been born. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. Every time it's more certain, and more devastating. I have been dead for a long long time. I will continue to be dead for a long long time.

This is exactly how I feel. And no matter how many times I try to explain it to my family they are utterly clueless. I am perceived as delusional but this is in fact reality. How could others be so clueless?

 

[Going Home]

When a doctor I never met or spoke to can run tests on me, share my info with people I don't know and make inapropropriate comments.

 

[glk]

Long time ago I noticed that everytime I think about death voice in my head kind of starts trying to change the topic. As if it's purposefully trying to avoid thinking about it.
Well, I decided that I want to think freely about anything I want, so I trained myself never to loose concentration when I start thinking about something, especially death.
Now I can't say my cognitive skills improved much, but I surely thought about death a lot more. And after thinking about death for a long period of time, I came to a realisation that can be classified as the end of my life: "Life is just a huge, boring and sometimes really painful waiting room". After that everything I held so dear fell apart and vanished.

In my eyes trying to live a life became nothing but a way to kill time between birth and death.

A relatively lucky human has to play many roles throughout his or her life. An unlucky human is supposed to act as a machine. I'm not sure if there's actually someone who is free to be himself at this point in our history. Perhaps only those, whose perception is so distorted that they don't even recognize people around them. So humanity's world is, metaphorically, a theater.
And I don't feel like a human person anymore. I'm not motivated to play any roles, I'm not motivated to be a machine, because I'm not afraid of death and I have nothing to live for. I don't like humanity's way of coping with death's inevitability and I don't want to be forced into playing along.

..and I also may become disabled in next few years because of a spine injury

 

[riverstyx]

When I had my second surgery for removal of cancerous lymph nodes.

 

[Intelligent Ape]

I have this feeling for many years, but it was not so strong and not permanent. Because first of all I had hope that someday my life will be okay - maybe I'll find someone who would love me, maybe I'll find more interesting job, ect. Secondly I had a willing to explore all art of the world. I thought it will be enough to the end of my life even if I fail with "real life". So I had a plan A and a plan B. But now in my 30s I am smart enough to understand that "someday" is "never" and art can provide to me only limited pack of stories that don't impress me already. Now all I want is only to do some self-destructive things and then ctb.

 

[Coolchicka]

Psychosis was the last straw for me. Ain't no going back after that.

 

[restingspot]

Knowing that the only objective way to achieve true bodily normalcy is to kill myself.