How did college impact you?

[CameronFrye]

How has your college experience led you to where you are today?

Personally it is a significant part of why I'm here. I live in the U.S. and went to a big state school. I suffered from severe anxiety and depression my entire life, but the hope of life being better once I left my toxic household and hometown kept me going growing up. I choose a big state school that I idolized growing up due to my family's love for it and the amazing experiences I heard from those older than me. A famous movie even ends with a character going to this school and it being life-changing in a positive way. I was incredibly excited and this hope got me thorough the immense loneliness I experienced in high-school.

I finally graduated and arrived feeling like I finally made it. Unfortunately this dream quickly turned into a nightmare. Everyone here dressed and acted the same, and you were expected to follow along if you wanted to fit in. Having status was even more important than high school. Greek life was taken incredibly seriously, there was even a message board similar to this one for Greek life at my school to debate who was more popular. The "top tier" fraternities and sororities were stereotypes straight out of a movie, and were treated as above everyone else. People wouldn't be friends or even associate with people becasue of the Greek letters next to their name. I personally had eggs thrown at where I lived and nasty words yelled at me as a result of joining a "low tier" org, which was one that was so desperate for members they accepted everyone and was also my only option. I hoped I could at least make some friends this way but the one I joined only cared about taking it's members money and not about building relationships. And the thing is I didn't even care about or want to be a part of this system, I was just trying to be included.

What was even crazier was how the athletes were treated. They were treated like gods amongst mortals. Football was the worst as my school was a huge football school. A football player could walk into a party and pick as many girls he wanted and they'd all follow them into a room or back to their houses. Orgies were a way of life of them and their countless admirers. They didn't have to try in class, and got great grades regardless. One player even made my friend cry because he was so mean during a group project, and now he's in the NFL making millions and getting praised daily on national TV. As a result of what I was experiencing and the loneliness my mental health deteriorated and I eventually dropped out. Partly due to the loneliness, but also partly due to realizing how the world works and what people truly value.

Now I'm at my parents house, no friends, working at Amazon, and six-figures in debt. I've lost faith in others, and finding people who I can connect to. Maybe I put too much hope on life being better somewhere else, maybe I bought into how the media portrays college, maybe I picked the wrong college, or maybe I just don't fit in. But overall my college experience was awful and now I'm in a massive amount of debt with nothing but bad memories to show for it. I just want to forget about it all, be surrounded by people who truly care about me, and be in a good place in life. But being a lonely drop out with massive monthly debt payments and a bad and worsening mental state makes it seem impossible.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Made me realise I cannot cope as an adult in the adult world at all.

 

[motel rooms]

How has your college experience led you to where you are today?

Once a whore, always a whore.

 

[demuic]

It was what caused me to sign up to SS in the first place.

I have a similar experience to you. I had idealized college as a way to escape from a toxic household. I had also had a terrible experience in high school and so I had looked to college as a way for things to be better. The first college I went to I instantly hated from the first day I moved in and knew I didnt want to be there any longer. (I had visited before I decided to go there but of course they make it seem different to how it really is when you visit to try and get people to enroll.) But my mother told me I should stay instead of just dropping out without giving it a chance so I did. I wish I hadn't listened to that. It was overall a waste of time. I left after only one semester.

So I decided to transfer to another school. I idealized this one even more. I thought this time is my chance, it will be a real college experience and I will finally be able to find people to connect with, maybe befriend my roommates, whatever normal people do. But that was when COVID hit. Classes were mostly online and I struggled to adjust, feeling very alone. Just like at my old school, I had made no friends, and can count on my hand the number of times I talked to people who weren't a professor or a counsellor. I became even more majorly depressed and stopped going to classes and just laid around in my room. Once again I left after only one semester, this time without even getting any credit since I stopped going to class so it was an even bigger waste of time.

Unfortunately the impact of having my hopes crushed not only once but twice was too much for me to take. I'm also in debt and it's a big contributer to my desire to CTB.

Mostly I'm very bitter I believed the lies of people telling me "it gets better after high school, it will be easier to make friends, you will experience independence for the first time and everything will be great" etc etc. It showed me I will always be alone and isolated no matter where I go or what I do. There's no one out there waiting for me and no ppint in even trying. No one really cares. It's all about money or what you have to offer someone. They prey on people's hopes and dreams.

I still wish I would've hanged myself in my dorm room because that was the last time I had the opportunity to be alone and it would've been a major fuck you to that school.

 

[Sea Turtle]

I share some of your sentiments. Emotionally abusive family, college at a state university to get away from home.
But here, it's just parties. Drinking. Smoking. Frats. Sororities.

I just… I don't fit in. There's nothing for me here either. Money for college, but what does this mean? I don't plan on living long enough to see it play out. I don't want parties, people, drinking, nothing. It's just me, here, alone, being a hypersensitive piece of shit, and all I want to do is hug a dog and my bf who's 14000 miles away and fall asleep and never wake up.

I wish you the best, take of yourself, and I hope you find what you're looking for here

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

I never went to college but I always get so suicidal when reading people's experiences of college (good or bad). Fk man, like how do I compete against those popular orgy people who have all the right cards and resources? I always wanted to go to college since I was a kid, like I imagined it as some kind of a enlightened and holy place, but now I realized that it's just a place on this cruel and unjust world. If anything the whole education system just perpetuates the inequality in life, like yea not only am I healthier and wealthier than you but now I got this seal of approval that makes me more competitive and opens up even more opportunities, ha! We only live once but some of us get to walk down the road of self fulfillment, while some struggle just to stay alive. Suicide fuel.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

It's hard to say if this applies to me, as this is my first semester. I "looked forward" to it for so long because I was sick of being a diploma-less NEET. (If the label applies to adolescents) I don't have any math, English, or science foundation, so it sucks. I dropped half my classes in the first week and I'm about to fail English because I can't write a paper to save my life. It's definitely pushing me towards CTB because it's another future-ruining failure to cross off the list. Nursing was supposed to be my ticket to recovery, but college had other plans. The fact that I want to quit after just 5 weeks with two easy classes is a testament to how weak I am.

 

[whatevs]

Hmm, I dropped out of college 4 times, this probably answers the question in a succinct way.

However, one positive I experienced in there was less hostility, less agression. I was still out of place and alienated but people weren't rabid lustful teenagers trying to make themselves look good by trampling on you anymore.

Overall my experience mirrored that of the OP, demuic etc. College is where you really come-of-age as a misanthrope or a depressed individual. You see what people are about and how much of a facade societal ideals (in the form of movies or narrated memories) are. But more importantly, it's a perfect testing ground for seeing whether you fit in with people or if you don't. It's not all fault of the collective, we also need to recognize that we are defective if we can't have acceptable social interactions. This might help us in correcting these defects... Or deciding that we don't want to live with them.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Realized even more how screwy and genocidal the United States is . The country invaded and committed genocide against the Iraqi people to prop up its college football programs

I also saw how the institution is used to create debt to trap the slaves

 

[Ada]

When I was rejected, I thought I was just going to be a loner and focus on my studies. The tragedy of my life is that I am a social animal after all, but the people I respect look down on me, and the people that accept me expect me to be like them.

 

[Ligottian]

How has your college experience led you to where you are today?

Personally it is a significant part of why I'm here. I live in the U.S. and went to a big state school. I suffered from severe anxiety and depression my entire life, but the hope of life being better once I left my toxic household and hometown kept me going growing up. I choose a big state school that I idolized growing up due to my family's love for it and the amazing experiences I heard from those older than me. A famous movie even ends with a character going to this school and it being life-changing in a positive way. I was incredibly excited and this hope got me thorough the immense loneliness I experienced in high-school.

I finally graduated and arrived feeling like I finally made it. Unfortunately this dream quickly turned into a nightmare. Everyone here dressed and acted the same, and you were expected to follow along if you wanted to fit in. Having status was even more important than high school. Greek life was taken incredibly seriously, there was even a message board similar to this one for Greek life at my school to debate who was more popular. The "top tier" fraternities and sororities were stereotypes straight out of a movie, and were treated as above everyone else. People wouldn't be friends or even associate with people becasue of the Greek letters next to their name. I personally had eggs thrown at where I lived and nasty words yelled at me as a result of joining a "low tier" org, which was one that was so desperate for members they accepted everyone and was also my only option. I hoped I could at least make some friends this way but the one I joined only cared about taking it's members money and not about building relationships. And the thing is I didn't even care about or want to be a part of this system, I was just trying to be included.

What was even crazier was how the athletes were treated. They were treated like gods amongst mortals. Football was the worst as my school was a huge football school. A football player could walk into a party and pick as many girls he wanted and they'd all follow them into a room or back to their houses. Orgies were a way of life of them and their countless admirers. They didn't have to try in class, and got great grades regardless. One player even made my friend cry because he was so mean during a group project, and now he's in the NFL making millions and getting praised daily on national TV. As a result of what I was experiencing and the loneliness my mental health deteriorated and I eventually dropped out. Partly due to the loneliness, but also partly due to realizing how the world works and what people truly value.

Now I'm at my parents house, no friends, working at Amazon, and six-figures in debt. I've lost faith in others, and finding people who I can connect to. Maybe I put too much hope on life being better somewhere else, maybe I bought into how the media portrays college, maybe I picked the wrong college, or maybe I just don't fit in. But overall my college experience was awful and now I'm in a massive amount of debt with nothing but bad memories to show for it. I just want to forget about it all, be surrounded by people who truly care about me, and be in a good place in life. But being a lonely drop out with massive monthly debt payments and a bad and worsening mental state makes it seem impossible.

Was it Michigan?

 

[Journeytoletgo]

Similar to me, however I was doomed since puberty, in high school I was outcasted because of my acne disease. In Uni I developed and had superior grades however because of lack of nurturing, self esteem issues, acne skin disease, and lack of social skills depression followed me and I entered uni doing great however I was still severely anxious depressed realizing it won't get better because I can't accept my face or skin, I was taken advantage of by an older man and we were intimate one time only to find out he was engaged I had my second mental breakdown gave up for the future became depressed and dropped out of uni abused alcohol and later completed my associate degree. I'm never going to be okay down here, had I had N years ago in my teens I wouldn't be on SS. Now I'm at home nearing the end and been through two recent traumatic events. I don't agree with capitalism, it's uni culture or anything we live in a really bad world where things are ruled by money and looks

 

[CameronFrye]

Sending all of you guys hugs. It is really unfortunate how this system has negatively affected us. But least it's nice to know I'm not alone here and feel like I'm understood for once.

Was it Michigan?

No, but extremely similar.

 

[Ligottian]

I graduated from a state university. I lived at home the whole four years and did not have the slightest desire to be in the Greek or party scene. Not that I would in the slightest degree fit in or be welcomed.

 

[Kristicide]

Best time of my life tbh

 

[jandek]

It was pretty terrible, although I did well academically. I was deeply depressed, couldn't relate to anyone, and had no real friends or relationships. I just continued being a loner, reading alone in my room. At least I read a lot of good books.

 

[Nolan96]

My college experience was being depressed and just going along with it without even knowing what my major was until I ran out of money (pretty quickly, since this is American college we're talking about) and then dropping out so I didn't have to go into debt.

Regrettable, but there are worse fates.

I've never heard of something like what you described in real life. It really does sound like an over-the-top 90's/early 2000's movie. My college was just kind of trashy. No bullying or cliques unless you counted the literal gangs in the neighborhood. A different type of misery I guess.

 

[Foresight]

College messed me up too and ruined my life. I don't regret the degree entirely but I fully regret living on campus.

 

[Thankyoufortoday]

In some ways it helps distract me from my life. I'm in a high stress academic program and sometimes I don't have time to be suicidal. But when I get a quiet moment to myself I feel so empty and like I'm not cut out for this life

 

[Gsvko]

Positively

 

[Ligottian]

Best time of my life tbh

In what ways?

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Had me living under the delusion that my future success was assured.

 

[DarkNearDeath]

Failing so I'll have to die sooner

 

[Kristicide]

In what ways?

I made a lot of friends (many I'm still really close with), went to lots of parties, hooked up, got good grades, and learned how to live on my own. And since I paid for it myself through student loans, which I paid off fairly quickly, it felt like a big accomplishment (my parents never saved any money for me to attend college).

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It's hard to say if this applies to me, as this is my first semester. I "looked forward" to it for so long because I was sick of being a diploma-less NEET. (If the label applies to adolescents) I don't have any math, English, or science foundation, so it sucks. I dropped half my classes in the first week and I'm about to fail English because I can't write a paper to save my life. It's definitely pushing me towards CTB because it's another future-ruining failure to cross off the list. Nursing was supposed to be my ticket to recovery, but college had other plans. The fact that I want to quit after just 5 weeks with two easy classes is a testament to how weak I am.

If you ever need help with your classes feel free to shoot me a message, I know how challenging it is to attempt higher education without the right foundations.

Like many of you, I've found university to be a nightmare. My first time, as a barely minted 18 year old, was a disaster. The staff at my school who were meant to help with life planning didn't help me at all with uni/college applications, and despite me having the highest entrance exam scores out of my year, they told me I should quit trying to pursue higher education and do a trade because I wasn't capable of studying.

I was forced into going to a small, trashy university alongside several classmates who had made my life hell, because it was too late to get in anywhere else. I was desperate to be away from the small, religious, cult like town I had grown up in, and I had been a runaway at risk of homelessness who was living in an unheated, floorboards peeling up, water damaged shack with a 26 year old man who was grooming me, so I desperately wanted to improve my situation. Thanks for failing me so badly, adults who were meant to guide me and put me on the right path!

One girl whom I'd been friends with since age 12 started snubbing me out of nowhere and isolated me from making friends by not allowing me to join any of the nerd groups at my campus, I couldn't survive living in the dormitories and sharing a room with a stranger who was ambilvanet to me, and the university wouldn't put into place my disability accommodations so I was having autistic breakdowns daily and their sage advice was to lock myself in a room in a library until I felt better.

Even though it was free, I ended up quitting at Christmastime. I wasn't prepared for my degree, the university accepted me to the program without the proper qualifications and I struggled to perform at the level of geniuses who had been programming since they were in diapers, even when I was paying for tutoring. So I had to throw in the towel. My next proper attempt at university went about as well as you'd expect.

Like many of you all, I went into it with high hopes, but there was no escaping the fact that I was an awkward, autistic, abuse stricken, failure of a person. I had less fear about living with strangers this time, but once again, I didn't fit in and was ignored by the beautiful, successful party going women who don't really know what to do around meek, weird girls with strange interests and mannerisms.

Honest to god, I tried. I joined so many organisations and activities but no matter what, I was an outsider. My health was deteriorating and I couldn't keep up with the demands expected of me. When my IBS and fatigue started reaching a breaking point, I would have to buy protein shakes, put them under my bed, and drink them when my roommate wasn't there because I was ashamed of the fact that I was too sick to eat a meal.

People made it abundantly clear that I was weird. My second university was full of high achieving students who had been born and bred for success. I got in on academic merit, but I wasn't cut from the same cloth as them. No matter what groups I joined, there were no people like me. I was the only one who had no family to anticipate going home to during holidays, the only one who wasn't invited to parties, the only one who had no energy to grind, grind, grind constantly. I didn't make a single friend and spent most of my life in my room, sick and alone, or being berated by academics for my poor attendance. The sage advice of therapists was to stop acting so autistic.

Eventually, it broke me. When covid happened, all of the classes went online and I finally felt free of the unrealistic expectations and demand. I quit university again and started a different degree in the country I live in now, which is a different subject and is much more focused and regulated than the education I was recieving before.

I have housemates that don't hate me now, that I met online, but I still will never have the uni experience that is depicted in films and TV. I can count the number of parties I've been to in my life on one hand. I am too sick to do anything, and even when I am able to go out, it is increasingly difficult to mask my autism and carry a conversation when I am burdened with brainfog and neurological issues. I don't relate to people and other young people tend not to have the same experiences that I had, which further drives the alienation.

The course itself is very cutthroat, difficult, and stressful, which adds to the despair I experience on a daily basis. My degree will not help me in any way and despite working my ass off I will never perform at the level of a healthy person. People on my course admire me when I help them and say something that sounds smart, but they have no idea the hell I've endured to get this point, and how horrible I feel being outcast from them all.

All it does is prove that I'm unfit for this world.

 

[whatevs]

If you ever need help with your classes feel free to shoot me a message, I know how challenging it is to attempt higher education without the right foundations.

Like many of you, I've found university to be a nightmare. My first time, as a barely minted 18 year old, was a disaster. The staff at my school who were meant to help with life planning didn't help me at all with uni/college applications, and despite me having the highest entrance exam scores out of my year, they told me I should quit trying to pursue higher education and do a trade because I wasn't capable of studying.

I was forced into going to a small, trashy university alongside several classmates who had made my life hell, because it was too late to get in anywhere else. I was desperate to be away from the small, religious, cult like town I had grown up in, and I had been a runaway at risk of homelessness who was living in an unheated, floorboards peeling up, water damaged shack with a 26 year old man who was grooming me, so I desperately wanted to improve my situation. Thanks for failing me so badly, adults who were meant to guide me and put me on the right path!

One girl whom I'd been friends with since age 12 started snubbing me out of nowhere and isolated me from making friends by not allowing me to join any of the nerd groups at my campus, I couldn't survive living in the dormitories and sharing a room with a stranger who was ambilvanet to me, and the university wouldn't put into place my disability accommodations so I was having autistic breakdowns daily and their sage advice was to lock myself in a room in a library until I felt better.

Even though it was free, I ended up quitting at Christmastime. I wasn't prepared for my degree, the university accepted me to the program without the proper qualifications and I struggled to perform at the level of geniuses who had been programming since they were in diapers, even when I was paying for tutoring. So I had to throw in the towel. My next proper attempt at university went about as well as you'd expect.

Like many of you all, I went into it with high hopes, but there was no escaping the fact that I was an awkward, autistic, abuse stricken, failure of a person. I had less fear about living with strangers this time, but once again, I didn't fit in and was ignored by the beautiful, successful party going women who don't really know what to do around meek, weird girls with strange interests and mannerisms.

Honest to god, I tried. I joined so many organisations and activities but no matter what, I was an outsider. My health was deteriorating and I couldn't keep up with the demands expected of me. When my IBS and fatigue started reaching a breaking point, I would have to buy protein shakes, put them under my bed, and drink them when my roommate wasn't there because I was ashamed of the fact that I was too sick to eat a meal.

People made it abundantly clear that I was weird. My second university was full of high achieving students who had been born and bred for success. I got in on academic merit, but I wasn't cut from the same cloth as them. No matter what groups I joined, there were no people like me. I was the only one who had no family to anticipate going home to during holidays, the only one who wasn't invited to parties, the only one who had no energy to grind, grind, grind constantly. I didn't make a single friend and spent most of my life in my room, sick and alone, or being berated by academics for my poor attendance. The sage advice of therapists was to stop acting so autistic.

Eventually, it broke me. When covid happened, all of the classes went online and I finally felt free of the unrealistic expectations and demand. I quit university again and started a different degree in the country I live in now, which is a different subject and is much more focused and regulated than the education I was recieving before.

I have housemates that don't hate me now, that I met online, but I still will never have the uni experience that is depicted in films and TV. I can count the number of parties I've been to in my life on one hand. I am too sick to do anything, and even when I am able to go out, it is increasingly difficult to mask my autism and carry a conversation when I am burdened with brainfog and neurological issues. I don't relate to people and other young people tend not to have the same experiences that I had, which further drives the alienation.

The course itself is very cutthroat, difficult, and stressful, which adds to the despair I experience on a daily basis. My degree will not help me in any way and despite working my ass off I will never perform at the level of a healthy person. People on my course admire me when I help them and say something that sounds smart, but they have no idea the hell I've endured to get this point, and how horrible I feel being outcast from them all.

All it does is prove that I'm unfit for this world.

I relate strongly to your posts and I am grateful for them.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Kept me occupied for the majority of my 20s but it also added unnecessary stress with no purpose since I'm not even using my degree to get a job of any kind.