How close to death you were?

[SuicideMania]

That's a question that a guy whom I met at the psychiatric ward asked me.

And now I am asking you. How close to death you were? And how did it feel?

Personally, I'm not even after a serious attempt, but once I had a noose around my neck in the forest and was thinking about ending it all.

 

[literallynoone]

I've had times when I stood on the wrong side of a bridge while drunk couple of times. Real reason I didn't do it then and there is because I knew I would live. Although in hindsight I'm glad I didn't even if I knew I'd die. Some good has happend since then even if right now is really fucking bad

 

[VictorisSAD]

The closest I've ever been to killing myself was when I almost jumped off a huge bridge, the Willemsbrug in Rotterdam, for reference. I got stopped by a group of pedestrians and was thrown inside a police bus not long after. I got my entire clothes stripped, and it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I wasn't sent to a psych ward, funnily enough, and I was able to go home the next day. That's the closest I got to killing myself, and I was 16 when that happened. I still look back at it, but looking at it in hindsight, I was way too much of a pussy and still am

 

[Forveleth]

No idea. I was unconscious though. Not sure if I ever stopped breathing.

 

[one_must_imagine]

I always wanted someone to ask me this exact question!

So, I FELT like I was very close to death, but I don't THINK I actually was that close to it, as I would need to climb about 200 steps to reach the 50m destination and fear got a big hold of me around the 20 step, I was barely 3m above ground when en my whole body locked up in the tower, I couldn't move a single muscle, I was terrified, not of dying, but at the feeling my own body, who I thought I owned, acted against my will, it held me there, unable to move, barely able to move my head around, it was the worst 2 minutes of my life. When it passed, I tried getting over it but my body stopped me again, it wasn't fun. If you ever had sleep paralysis it's a similar feeling to that, but worst because you are NOT relaxed, it's the opposite, the body is TENSE as fuck, like if I had a 2h full body workout in 2 minutes, my hand bleed a bit because my nails penetrated my skin. Method was a huge open, easily accessible communication tower.

So that's the closest I was to death in my attempt, once I was very close to jumping off a 100m cliff, I was standing on the edge of it, I was so calm and relaxed, that was on theory closer to it, but yeah. I didn't suffer or tried enough. I'm mostly at peace with it now. Knowing that my body has stopped most of my attempts.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I was once pretty close, but completely unintentionally due to stupid combination of recreational drug usage (too much Alcohol, some Ketamine + Benzos) so I guess that doesn't really count.
The other time I might have been close was almost 10y ago when I almost fell from my balcony because I was enraged like hell due to recent life changing events (my ex dumped me) and ran against the parapet in an affect, although that was only like 12m to the concrete floor and I might very well have survived as a cripple depending if I landed head first or not I guess. Gladly I didn't have quite enough momentum to swing over and fell back on my stupid ass and only had serious pain in my Hipp for a week or so because I ran against the parapet like a madman.

 

[SummerTrip]

Had many almost finished attempts like standing on a windowsill in front of an open window (still don't know how I didn't slip cuz I was wearing socks and the windowsill was plastic), spending days and even birthdays being in and out of a noose, taking a large amount of substance that would kill me only to realize that I took the wrong thing because I was drunk, high af and on benzos, and things like that but these aren't technically close run ins with death.
Actually close to dying I've been two times in my life.

One time when I was a kid I choked on a large piece of a tomato. It was its center part which my lazy child mind decided not to chew but to simply swallow.
Couldn't take a breath or make a sound. Started panicking and banging on a bathroom door hoping my mom would come out and help me. She was asking what's up behind the door and why was I banging but I couldn't make a damn sound with my mouth so she thought I was just goofing around. I don't know how long did it last but when I was on my knees on the floor almost losing my consciousness I somehow managed to shove my entire hand down my throat, grab that insanely slippery piece of tomato and pull it out. Didn't have a gag reflex after that incident for many many years.
I was scared shitless during that experience but I was very young and didn't want to die at that point in time.

Another time happened this summer. I had a pneumothorax. The pain throughout the whole upper torso, not being able to breathe properly and loosing sleep because you simply can't fall asleep in that much pain is horrible. I felt some panic, sure, not being able to breathe does this to you, but it was manageable. Knowing that I might die just like that instead of CTB made me kinda happy which helped a lot. Sadly it healed itself and I didn't die

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

honestly @SummerTrip the tomato story is almost the most insane one considering where we are here...

 

[bananaolympus]

Very close i jumped, first to come to my i aid was a paramedic in 2 min ambulance less than 5 min i was inside, arrived at the hospital with severe internal blood loss, 85% of dying they said, like 8 to 10 other people arrived in waaaaay less critical condition than me and i was the only one who survived, if i had been 10 or 15 min without help i would be dead

Also my internal bleeding was so well hiding, it took one of the best meds in my city to notice it and pinpoint were it was and it is the one who received me as i entered the hospital

 

[enso]

That's a question that a guy whom I met at the psychiatric ward asked me.

And now I am asking you. How close to death you were? And how did it feel?

Personally, I'm not even after a serious attempt, but once I had a noose around my neck in the forest and was thinking about ending it all.

When I was teenager (13-17 years or something like that), at some times I had pain attacks in the abdominal area, which even painkillers couldn't really solve with average dosage. I don't know, how close I was, I was just changing colors, my skin was pale white, then yellow, then greenish, then more violet, hahahahha.

Well, color changing is one part, other is pain itself. It's hard to describe, but all thoughts just turn off, there are no thoughts in such moments, total silence. I think, I couldn't achieve such states even during meditations. Firstly with such intense pain I was scared, because it was just unbearable. My body was shaking, and it didn't feel good overall . But after that, that scare just goes away and there is only pain, and total presence in the present moment. During these pain attacks I felt totally alone, I couldn't even normally speak, but in some way, such pain is a great teacher. Teacher of compassion, non-condemnation of others, teacher of living in the present moment, teacher of non-attachment.

During these states I didn't think about other people, what other would think of me, what will happen if I fail something or should I have done something in past different way. It just didn't matter.

Anyway, I think, in Jack London's "Martin Eden" there is perfect description of how you can say about it. When Martin Eden drowned himself in the end, he felt this burning pain in his lungs and it was said:
"This hurt was not death, was the thought that oscillated through his reeling consciousness. Death did not hurt. It was life, the pangs of life, this awful, suffocating feeling; it was the last blow life could deal him"

 

[carfemtanyl]

I was in a coma for 4 days after an attempt and it wasn't clear if I will ever wake up or even survive the first 2 days
the time after I woke up were hell tho

 

[DreamingDryad]

Can''t say 100%, but I think I was very close via partial hanging. I was losing consciousness, and after they checked me throat I def was hitting the right spot, but I guess instinct kicked in last second and I was able to stop myself. A few more seconds and I don't think I would have been able to stop. I will never forget the feeling of peace i felt, as short as it was. As much as I panicked after stopping myself, the peace was everything I hoped it would be and it's been very hard to cope with life since.