Venting how can you tell where reality ends and imagination begins?

[dinosavr]

I genuinely don't know what's real and what's delusional. Do I really want to die or does death just make sense to me as a positive concept?
How serious are my suicidal tendencies? Should I feel guilty for having people care about me or is my life in real danger? I ve never got to find out.
I've never attempted suicide and I feel like I would have attempted long time ago if that's what I wanted for real. I keep on accusing myself of lying but do I have any reason to lie? Dont think so. I keep most of my thoughts to myself, so it's technically not attention seeking. Or is it? On another level?

In other words: do I really want to die or is it just something I came up with for some kind of subconscious egoistic purpose? Is this even possible? How can you tell??

 

[wayn]

No. You really doesn't seems like someone who is attention seeking. But if you would be one than it's still would not mean anything bad.

 

[wondering&wandering]

Hey there, it's been a while. I know exactly how you feel. And I know you're venting, but I thought I'd reply in detail since these are the exact kind of thoughts I have, and I'm hoping replying helps. If not, feel free to ignore.

I genuinely don't know what's real and what's delusional. Do I really want to die or does death just make sense to me as a positive concept?

This is honestly so hard to make sense of in my mind, too. For me, it's more of a positive concept. Death isn't my goal, but it's the means to achieving my goal of ending my mental anguish.

How serious are my suicidal tendencies? Should I feel guilty for having people care about me or is my life in real danger? I ve never got to find out.

Other hard questions. Suicidal tendencies (no matter how small) are life threatening imo because if they exist then they can get worse. But don't feel guilty for having people care. If you believe in caring for and about suicidal people, then you should allow yourself that same care from others guilt free (easier said than done though I know).

I've never attempted suicide and I feel like I would have attempted long time ago if that's what I wanted for real. I keep on accusing myself of lying but do I have any reason to lie? Dont think so. I keep most of my thoughts to myself, so it's technically not attention seeking. Or is it? On another level?

These are complex feelings stirred around with your personal and unique life circumstances that are then baked in your mind as it tries to imperfectly reason what the right answer is. I don't know if we'll ever know these answers truly for ourselves, but try to not feel ashamed for being human and wanting to look for circumstances and people that are good for you.

In other words: do I really want to die or is it just something I came up with for some kind of subconscious egoistic purpose? Is this even possible? How can you tell??

It's honestly hard to say, especially since I don't know you, but if I had to bet my life, I'd go with you aren't doing it for egotistic purposes.

If you want to talk about these thoughts or anything else feel free to PM me. Regardless, I wish you peace!