Discussion How can you just CTB and stop thinking of your loved ones?

[jjl94]

I'm a guy in my late twenties and I've had Bipolar since I was 8. I was abused by pretty much every adult in my life except my grandparents and great grandmother.

I can't move past it and I spend my days in pain, not living but just watching others live. My dad CTB at my age now, many of my friends have also CTB'd but I just can't which hurts.
Everytime I try my beautiful little girl comes rushing to the front of my mind, I would have let her down more than I already do by just being me. And my Nan and how much pain she'd be in.

I feel trapped, I can't function in this world and it hurts to just be here. I just want out and have done for the last 15 years.
Obviously we can't ask the people who successfully did it, but how can you just turn off those thoughts, is it even possible? What do you think?

 

[FuneralCry]

There are no easy answers to this question, I just think that only the individual knows when the time is right to leave this world. Maybe many people who successfully ctb just got so desperate, and they had a method that they felt confident in so they managed to leave.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I think you should stay, you can stop reading my reply if you aren't interested in hearing me out - you didn't ask for this opinion. I think you value your child too much to leave and I knew if I ever had kids I'd never leave them. I'd give up all plans to CTB and raise them to be better than me and to shield them from this horrible world and let them be a pure innocent soul in a world of never-ending pain and misery. I'd raise them to be someone I can be proud of - I can drop dead anytime and be satisfied with who I raised.

That's just an opinion from me and definitely not a nice one to hear but I think you should reconsider and determine if it's really the path you should walk. I can't stop you and I respect your choices or opinions. I just want to make sure I respect the right choice. I hope you can find peace in this world or find peace in the afterlife, I wish you and your family all the best. Much Love. <3

 

[outrider567]

No loved ones left, just a stepmother whom I have mixed feelings about

 

[eternalbliss22]

I'm a guy in my late twenties and I've had Bipolar since I was 8. I was abused by pretty much every adult in my life except my grandparents and great grandmother.

I can't move past it and I spend my days in pain, not living but just watching others live. My dad CTB at my age now, many of my friends have also CTB'd but I just can't which hurts.
Everytime I try my beautiful little girl comes rushing to the front of my mind, I would have let her down more than I already do by just being me. And my Nan and how much pain she'd be in.

I feel trapped, I can't function in this world and it hurts to just be here. I just want out and have done for the last 15 years.
Obviously we can't ask the people who successfully did it, but how can you just turn off those thoughts, is it even possible? What do you think?

No loved ones or any social circles

 

[ChildrensITV]

I think you should stay, you can stop reading my reply if you aren't interested in hearing me out - you didn't ask for this opinion. I think you value your child too much to leave and I knew if I ever had kids I'd never leave them. I'd give up all plans to CTB and raise them to be better than me and to shield them from this horrible world and let them be a pure innocent soul in a world of never-ending pain and misery. I'd raise them to be someone I can be proud of - I can drop dead anytime and be satisfied with who I raised.

That's just an opinion from me and definitely not a nice one to hear but I think you should reconsider and determine if it's really the path you should walk. I can't stop you and I respect your choices or opinions. I just want to make sure I respect the right choice. I hope you can find peace in this world or find peace in the afterlife, I wish you and your family all the best. Much Love. <3

I agree @NoLoveNoHope

Pro-life warning:

I find it hard enough planning to CTB and leaving parents older and friends of my age here. I can't imagine leaving my own child here that I brought into this world. It's one thing for you to hand back the "gift" of life from your parents. It's another to burden a child with it while you yourself hand it back. It smacks of avoiding your responsibilities. Of hypocrisy. You are not responsible for your parents or friends but are for your child. I can't imagine having my child ask:

"Where is my daddy?" (He is missing, maybe injured somewhere)
"Why is my daddy dead?" (He died by suicide, sorry you have to find out like this)
"Why wasn't I enough to keep my dad here?" (His love for you was no match for his pain, sorry)

etc.

Obviously @jjl94, it is your decision and maybe the pain is just too strong. When you look at your child, doesn't it make you doubt whether you can do it? Do you ever have moments with your daughter that fill you with temporary joy?

Tough situation.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I agree @NoLoveNoHope

Pro-life warning:

I find it hard enough planning to CTB and leaving parents older and friends of my age here. I can't imagine leaving my own child here that I brought into this world. It's one thing for you to hand back the "gift" of life from your parents. It's another to burden a child with it while you yourself hand it back. It smacks of avoiding your responsibilities. Of hypocrisy. You are not responsible for your parents or friends but are for your child. I can't imagine having my child ask:

"Where is my daddy?" (He is missing, maybe injured somewhere)
"Why is my daddy dead?" (He died by suicide, sorry you have to find out like this)
"Why wasn't I enough to keep my dad here?" (His love for you was no match for his pain, sorry)

etc.

Obviously @jjl94, it is your decision and maybe the pain is just too strong. When you look at your child, doesn't it make you doubt whether you can do it? Do you ever have moments with your daughter that fill you with temporary joy?

Tough situation.

I kind of felt bad after writing what I wrote, I don't want to instill guilt into others for simply wanting to leave. I don't know if what I said was right or not. I don't want to be some pro-lifer but I felt like I needed to speak up if it's about a child.

I thought about this after not knowing whether I should update my reply or not. I think the time to decide and think is now. If you decide to go ahead that's the time to act. I do feel really mixed about this though but I don't want to be a downer on everyone's mood.

tldr; The time to think and plan is now - the future is when you should act and try not to think about anything - just acting.

 

[jjl94]

I think you should stay, you can stop reading my reply if you aren't interested in hearing me out - you didn't ask for this opinion. I think you value your child too much to leave and I knew if I ever had kids I'd never leave them. I'd give up all plans to CTB and raise them to be better than me and to shield them from this horrible world and let them be a pure innocent soul in a world of never-ending pain and misery. I'd raise them to be someone I can be proud of - I can drop dead anytime and be satisfied with who I raised.

That's just an opinion from me and definitely not a nice one to hear but I think you should reconsider and determine if it's really the path you should walk. I can't stop you and I respect your choices or opinions. I just want to make sure I respect the right choice. I hope you can find peace in this world or find peace in the afterlife, I wish you and your family all the best. Much Love. <3

Oh no doubt I love her to bits, she is and always will be my best accomplishment. unfortunately in this world it's not always enough to love somebody. It's a disastrous combo really because my dad went out this way, so I know how that's affected me but it's a weird combo of anger and understanding so obviously it leaves me extra conflicted on those I wanna go days.

Some days I hope I stay too, yesterday was a I just want to go day……today not so much. So I just kind of take it day by day. I think that's all I can do right now.

I value your opinion as much as anybodies and I love this forum because all of us understand pain here, even if we don't agree on the reasons behind something or the motivations to do something. Love and peace to you too <3

I agree @NoLoveNoHope

Pro-life warning:

I find it hard enough planning to CTB and leaving parents older and friends of my age here. I can't imagine leaving my own child here that I brought into this world. It's one thing for you to hand back the "gift" of life from your parents. It's another to burden a child with it while you yourself hand it back. It smacks of avoiding your responsibilities. Of hypocrisy. You are not responsible for your parents or friends but are for your child. I can't imagine having my child ask:

"Where is my daddy?" (He is missing, maybe injured somewhere)
"Why is my daddy dead?" (He died by suicide, sorry you have to find out like this)
"Why wasn't I enough to keep my dad here?" (His love for you was no match for his pain, sorry)

etc.

Obviously @jjl94, it is your decision and maybe the pain is just too strong. When you look at your child, doesn't it make you doubt whether you can do it? Do you ever have moments with your daughter that fill you with temporary joy?

Tough situation.

Oh believe me I get it, remember the same thing happened to me so I've litrally gone through all those statements myself which is why this is so impossibly confusing.

The problem comes in my situation where I'm not allowed to look after my own child, believe me I get that considering my mental state is messed up….she didn't ask for a dad to be messed up. In my eyes quite often I see it as me actually saving her a lifetime of problems.
I don't want her sacrificing her childhood to see me in and out of hospitals, or feeling like she did something to make me SH or spending every minute scared that today is the day I go….that's what I did as a kid. So weirdly contrary to not thinking of her, actually all im doing is thinking of her in a really messed up kinda way? If that makes sense?

So when you're balancing the options, it can be very difficult to see which one is actually the right choice……that's before we even get to whatever personal historic stuff I can't get past.
All I can do is take it day by day, yesterday when I posted it was a I'm gonna go day……today not so much.

Gotta love these emotional conundrums all of us here have been gifted no matter whether we all agree or disagree on the individual stuff…..that's one thing we all have in common here. Wishing you the best :)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What have you tried in terms of treatment?

A lot of the time people who CTB believe (whether sincerely or not) that their death will improve the lives of those left behind. It sounds like you're too aware of the truth to buy into that.

There's a big difference between CTBing when they're little and having that underlie their whole experience growing up and doing it when they're older and more mature and have more of a basis to understand your decision.

 

[CentreMid]

I'm a guy in my late twenties and I've had Bipolar since I was 8. I was abused by pretty much every adult in my life except my grandparents and great grandmother.

I can't move past it and I spend my days in pain, not living but just watching others live. My dad CTB at my age now, many of my friends have also CTB'd but I just can't which hurts.
Everytime I try my beautiful little girl comes rushing to the front of my mind, I would have let her down more than I already do by just being me. And my Nan and how much pain she'd be in.

I feel trapped, I can't function in this world and it hurts to just be here. I just want out and have done for the last 15 years.
Obviously we can't ask the people who successfully did it, but how can you just turn off those thoughts, is it even possible? What do you think?

Others have suggested staying for your child, but if you are super bent on going, I suggest making sure your child is in a safe place with trusted people. Her grief is inevitable, however at least you'd be dying knowing that she is in good hands with people who also love her.

I don't have kids and likely never will, so feel free to ignore me, but in the event that you absolutely need to go, at least make sure she's safe, yeah?

 

[twinklywater]

I'd say it would be hypocritical to leave this world after bringing another person into it. The world is cruel, don't make it crueller for her after bringing her here without her consent. You have a reason to live. Most here don't. Take advantage of that.

I hope your daughter grows to be happy and I'm sure you do too. Don't make this world harder on her by giving back to your parents the same thing that you gave her.

 

[kitsuneribzz]

i really cant think of anyone else when i genuinely cannot handle my life. it doesnt even come to mind. i genuinely cant care about the people in my life when i cant deal with anything anymore. But i never had children and thats a huge responsibility ... so i guess i can understand how that'd be difficult for you. i really dont know how to help. I wish you all the best, with whatever you choose to do. make sure you know what's most important to you, you know ...

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Oh no doubt I love her to bits, she is and always will be my best accomplishment. unfortunately in this world it's not always enough to love somebody. It's a disastrous combo really because my dad went out this way, so I know how that's affected me but it's a weird combo of anger and understanding so obviously it leaves me extra conflicted on those I wanna go days.

Some days I hope I stay too, yesterday was a I just want to go day……today not so much. So I just kind of take it day by day. I think that's all I can do right now.

I value your opinion as much as anybodies and I love this forum because all of us understand pain here, even if we don't agree on the reasons behind something or the motivations to do something. Love and peace to you too <3

Oh believe me I get it, remember the same thing happened to me so I've litrally gone through all those statements myself which is why this is so impossibly confusing.

The problem comes in my situation where I'm not allowed to look after my own child, believe me I get that considering my mental state is messed up….she didn't ask for a dad to be messed up. In my eyes quite often I see it as me actually saving her a lifetime of problems.
I don't want her sacrificing her childhood to see me in and out of hospitals, or feeling like she did something to make me SH or spending every minute scared that today is the day I go….that's what I did as a kid. So weirdly contrary to not thinking of her, actually all im doing is thinking of her in a really messed up kinda way? If that makes sense?

So when you're balancing the options, it can be very difficult to see which one is actually the right choice……that's before we even get to whatever personal historic stuff I can't get past.
All I can do is take it day by day, yesterday when I posted it was a I'm gonna go day……today not so much.

Gotta love these emotional conundrums all of us here have been gifted no matter whether we all agree or disagree on the individual stuff…..that's one thing we all have in common here. Wishing you the best :)

I'm glad you love her, it's always lovely to see a happy parent. I never had a dad myself, not sure what happened to him but I never saw him in my life. Luckily though I'm not too affected by it since I never did get to meet him, he always stayed as a concept not a person to me. I'm glad you're interested in making the best choice and that you genuinely care for you daughter. It's genuinely beautiful to me seeing a relationship like that.

I wish you all the best for you and your daughter. <3