Help How can I tell my mother that I'm seeing a therapist, when my parents are the reason I need therapy in the first place

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

As the title says.

I'm going to therapy for the very first time in my life. I'll be attending a 20-min free consultation on next Tuesday morning. I won't be changing the appointment time, as I don't want to inconvenience others. I usually leave home in the afternoon, so leaving early in the morning is atypical, save for weekend classes. Not only do I feel uncomfortable lying, but my mother is bound to find out eventually. This means that I more or less have no choice but to tell her the truth (of my seeking professional help).

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

UPDATE: Therapist replied and clarified that the 20-min free consultation is for Zoom only, so I'm looking into the option of starting sessions right away.

UPDATE #2: Therapist and I agreed to have the free consultation over WhatsApp after I informed her of my circumstances. I'm still in discussion about whether it would be possible to have sessions in the afternoon as I don't think I'm ready to let Mum know.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Avoid telling for as long as possible, and then make up some non-therapy related excuse.

Is there some reason that they have to know? If anything like my parents, they would sabotage your therapy completely. Explain this to your therapist.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I would second not telling them. And I only say this because as someone that went to therapy in part because of my parents, when I told my mother, her reaction made me second guess and stop my sessions.

Omission is different from lying, but I can understand if you're uncomfortable. If you must tell them, then you can, but there's nothing that says you need to disclose what you discuss in therapy or what you go there for. Lying to them might be hard, but maybe you can tell them that it's personal, or you're going to learn better coping mechanisms to deal with the daily stress of life. Neither of those are lies necessarily, but they may be an acceptable enough answer for them to lay off of you. Is therapy a stigmatized thing in your household/culture?

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Thank you for your reply, @Suicidebydeath.

I have already informed my therapist that family issues is a major reason for seeking therapy.

Thankfully, my nfather is no longer a threat. Despite still living together, I'm currently grey-rocking him. By that I mean that I have ceased both physical (I rarely speak to, or even look at him nowadays) and electronic communication.

The issue here then, will be my mom. As mentioned above, she will no doubt be curious as to where I'm going. I know it's weird, but we tell our parents (mother, specifically) our whereabouts whenever we leave the house. Perhaps it's a cultural thing. Not only do I feel uncomfortable lying, but I also think it's regrettable that I have to lie in order to protect myself in the first place. From my own mother.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You could just say it's to try and get over an insecurity you feel is holding you back- I don't know if anything would sound plausible to them- social anxiety, lack of confidence, fear of speaking in public- whatever. You don't have to go into what you're talking about. That seems like a partial truth you might feel more comfortable saying.

My Dad is pretty anti-therapy. It was a friend's Mum who encouraged me to go. I just said I was struggling at uni and I felt like it might give me some tools or different ways of looking at things. I think he definitely didn't like it when they prescribed antidepressants. I expect our parents like to think they have turned out a 'normal' child. Still- it should be pretty obvious to any of them that there's something the matter. Really, they ought to encourage you in this.

I hope it helps you but yeah- I definitely wouldn't open up as to why you're going. No one enjoys being judged and criticised by a stranger. Good luck with it.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

If your nparents are anything like mine, they will sabotage and make it all about them and put the blame on you. Because of their heightened sensitivity to any kind of criticism they probably won't look on therapy favourably at all and use it as an excuse to make themselves the centre of more attention. And whatever ends up in your therapy notes from that might stick in there forever and affect you far in the future.

In specifically nterms, you mother might not be the direct abuser but was still an enabler. So I don't think she will be on your side wrt therapy and I feel like it's imperative that your parents aren't involved at all.

Protect yourself first, it's only feels regrettable because of your upbringing and you're used to putting others first. Don't end up on the same path as me. I'm happy that you already realised that it wasn't you all along. Can you say you are going to friends or doing any other kind of socially acceptable activity for your culture? It only needs to be a white lie, the therapist could be your friend.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Thank you for your suggestions, @UsagiDrop, and I'm sorry about what happened to you.

Yes, I live in Asia and mental health is highly stigmatised here. People here have this "grin and bear it" attitude towards life and reaching out for help is seen as a weakness. Not only that, but honour and shame is also deeply rooted in Eastern cultures. As such, there is an unspoken rule of "what happens at home stays at home", and "airing your dirty laundry in public" is highly frowned upon and regarded with contempt.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

My Dad is pretty anti-therapy. It was a friend's Mum who encouraged me to go. I just said I was struggling at uni and I felt like it might give me some tools or different ways of looking at things. I think he definitely didn't like it when they prescribed antidepressants. I expect our parents like to think they have turned out a 'normal' child. Still- it should be pretty obvious to any of them that there's something the matter. Really, they ought to encourage you in this.

This. Your friend's Mum is a godsend. I wish I had broken out of the cultic family mindset earlier, but better late than never I guess. So much so that, a few years back, even with crippling joint pains, I was reluctant to seek medical attention, believing that healing was a matter of willpower alone.

 

[Redacted24]

There's also lots of positive things you could tell them you're going to therapy for. Working on improving my ability to concentrate and get past school/ life distractions. Exploring psychological ways to improve performance in sport/music/other. Wanting to get skills and awareness so as to be more competitive in the job market.
Look for something plausible in your circumstances to explain why you'd be at that office. They don't need to know what you're talking about inside.