Help How can I stop myself from ctb?

[ilovecats]

I've promised myself since my last attempt that I'm going to try to give life another chance. Since then I had ups and downs, got close to attempting again a couple of times, once recently, but I kept telling myself that I HAVE to give life another chance and at least try to better myself. Told myself this so many times, it lost meaning and I don't even remember why I kept telling this to myself. Maybe it's just a small bit of hope that I might be wrong about how life is meaningless.

Anyway, last 2 months were hell for me. Started feeling worse and worse and had lots of things happening around. I keep making myself more miserable, I want to suffer more because maybe I'll be able to push myself off the edge or to at least validate the feeling of wanting to die just so I could stop swearing at myself for being too soft for life. I'm trying to remain on the surface and to not slip into insanity/depression but it's so hard.

I'm so mentally tired and I hate myself so much. I want someone to do everything for me, drag me wherever I need to be, think for me, feel for me, while I just observe everything happen and rot like a corpse. I don't want to make another decision, I don't even want to think anymore, I want someone else to do everything and I just want to just be a spectator in my life. I don't want to have control over my life or over my being. I don't want to turn this post entirely into a vent so I'm just going to mention that the things bothering me the most at this moment are loneliness, social anxiety, depression, trauma, self image and nihilism.

I've tried to open up to a friend saying that I'm on the brink of ctb and the only advice I got was basically just "snap out of it" and victim blaming. I've also been going to the gym for 2 years and I really improved my body and mind A LOT but I still feel an extremely strong need to quit and lose everything just to make myself more miserable.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. Everything is fuzzy and the only thing clear to me is death. I can just die and escape from this horrid existence but I can't shake off the feeling that it's not right. I keep telling myself that I have to at least try to get better and leave ctb as the last option. I still have sn from my last attempt and it's hard for me to keep myself from starving a whole day, hoping that I might have the courage to finally do it. Sometimes I manage to not eat the whole day but had no courage to do while most days I give up halfway.

I'm so lost and I have no idea what I am supposed to think or feel. I'm not sure of anything but believing my past self is definitively a better option than believing my current self. I will still try to recover even though I don't want to. The problem is... I will be able to go to therapy only after 3-4 months and I'm sure if I'll be able to if I keep going like this.

To be honest, loneliness is really eating me up from the inside the most but I can't really do anything about it because I'm way too shy.

I'm really sorry if I vented too much. I really need advice. Anything that could make life AT LEAST bearable for a few months.

 

[leyl]

I'm sort of in the same place right now.
I would say you can give yourself little goals. "I have to finish this and this and that first before i ctb" it doesn't have to be crazy. Just something you enjoy and that can bring positivity into your life.

Like making a drawing for a close one (friend, family…), trying some specific food, going to a nice place. Just things you know won't be too mentally taxing but still gratifying. The satisfaction of completing one and then another might be able to bring some peace and purpose back.

That is what i am doing right now, one thing at a time and it does feel good. I wrote down my different goals and once i'm done with them, i'll evaluate how i feel and if nothing changed then i'll ctb. But with luck maybe this will bring me enough happiness to stay even just a bit longer

 

[ilovecats]

I'm sort of in the same place right now.
I would say you can give yourself little goals. "I have to finish this and this and that first before i ctb" it doesn't have to be crazy. Just something you enjoy and that can bring positivity into your life.

Like making a drawing for a close one (friend, family…), trying some specific food, going to a nice place. Just things you know won't be too mentally taxing but still gratifying. The satisfaction of completing one and then another might be able to bring some peace and purpose back.

That is what i am doing right now, one thing at a time and it does feel good. I wrote down my different goals and once i'm done with them, i'll evaluate how i feel and if nothing changed then i'll ctb. But with luck maybe this will bring me enough happiness to stay even just a bit longer

Sounds good. I guess I'll try

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

Have you tried telling your therapist(s) how bad things are going? They you're suicidal and did attempts? Maybe you can get help sooner.

I feel you. Been depressed for almost a year and I don't see stuff getting better. No light in the end of the tunnel.

What are activities that make you feel less bad? You mention going to the gym. Does that help in any way?

For me meditation helps. You could try. It makes you stop identifying with all bad thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts in the end. You don't have to believe all of them. They are bad because of your depression.

 

[ilovecats]

Have you tried telling your therapist(s) how bad things are going? They you're suicidal and did attempts? Maybe you can get help sooner.

I won't be able to go to therapy until August- September.

You mention going to the gym. Does that help in any way?

Yeah it helps

For me meditation helps. You could try. It makes you stop identifying with all bad thoughts.

I've tried. Doesn't really help me
Thank you though