How can i make my death less painful for my partner

[Itsbeenalongtime]

I'm lying in bed next to the softest warmest man you have ever seen. We've been together for just over 3 years and we still love each other so much. I am the person he wants to build his life with, but I want to die soon.

I watched him carry his nan's coffin to her final resting place and how upset he was. She was old and died of cancer. I am younger than him and supposed to be there for him, I know my death will tear him apart.
I can't break up with him, I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him I don't want to be with him because it would be a lie. I can't tell him I'm breaking up with him cause I'm going to kill myself as he would try to stop me. The best I can think of is leave some good memories, some money, maybe my rtx 3080 gpu. I will let him know I will always love him and make sure our last conversation will be a good one. It will still break him. Who will comfort him?

Is there anything else that might soften the blow? I love him so much and care for him. I know if he could he'd let me just sit in the house and do what I love forever but I can't put that burden on him either. I'm not doing it at the house with him, I'm going to go home and do it there, my mum will have to break it to him, he won't have to find me.

I know it's selfish, but I'm also worried that if I try and fail it might freak him out so much that I lose him. I haven't had a serious attempt since I've been with him but he has seen me desperate and begging for death.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I'm lying in bed next to the softest warmest man you have ever seen. We've been together for just over 3 years and we still love each other so much. I am the person he wants to build his life with, but I want to die soon.

I watched him carry his nan's coffin to her final resting place and how upset he was. She was old and died of cancer. I am younger than him and supposed to be there for him, I know my death will tear him apart.
I can't break up with him, I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him I don't want to be with him because it would be a lie. I can't tell him I'm breaking up with him cause I'm going to kill myself as he would try to stop me. The best I can think of is leave some good memories, some money, maybe my rtx 3080 gpu. I will let him know I will always love him and make sure our last conversation will be a good one. It will still break him. Who will comfort him?

Is there anything else that might soften the blow? I love him so much and care for him. I know if he could he'd let me just sit in the house and do what I love forever but I can't put that burden on him either. I'm not doing it at the house with him, I'm going to go home and do it there, my mum will have to break it to him, he won't have to find me.

I know it's selfish, but I'm also worried that if I try and fail it might freak him out so much that I lose him. I haven't had a serious attempt since I've been with him but he has seen me desperate and begging for death.

If it's something you're willing to share why do you want to CTB?

 

[jimmy7754]

Life is a drag.

 

[Looooser]

If I had the love that you describe I don't think I'd be thinking of ctb so I'm curious what the rest of the story is. Have you tried opening up to him about whatever you're dealing with? Maybe he would love to help you get through it?

But to answer your question..... You can't. I keep telling myself since my daughter knows a fraction of what haunts me that she'll ultimately understand when I ctb. But I know deep down it won't matter. It'll still crush her!

 

[waitingforrest]

I don't know if there is anything that can lessen the pain sadly. It's really hard to keep living because I will hurt loved ones if I ctb.

I don't know what will happen when I ctb, but I hope that it doesn't make others want to ctb.... or blame themselves.

It's just, I don't think humans take death well, it's like a end to a story, a goodbye forever. Well at least I don't take it well no matter how hard I try to accept it.

I know that it isn't as simple as just getting help, you might have already tried or can't. And it might not be as simple as just talking to him.

I know that life is a pain and it might never go away, but maybe give one last go at life? It's okay if you don't want to though, I can understand why.

Life is horrible but, I still have some things I need to do before it's my time. Then I can rest a bit more in peace at least.

I don't know the reasons why you want to ctb, an you don't need to justify why you want to ctb to me. I can't say what will happen in the future, how he will react. But I will say that you can always ctb when you feel you are ready, but don't rush it or force it.

 

[painofzed]

I'm lying in bed next to the softest warmest man you have ever seen. We've been together for just over 3 years and we still love each other so much. I am the person he wants to build his life with, but I want to die soon.

I watched him carry his nan's coffin to her final resting place and how upset he was. She was old and died of cancer. I am younger than him and supposed to be there for him, I know my death will tear him apart.
I can't break up with him, I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him I don't want to be with him because it would be a lie. I can't tell him I'm breaking up with him cause I'm going to kill myself as he would try to stop me. The best I can think of is leave some good memories, some money, maybe my rtx 3080 gpu. I will let him know I will always love him and make sure our last conversation will be a good one. It will still break him. Who will comfort him?

Is there anything else that might soften the blow? I love him so much and care for him. I know if he could he'd let me just sit in the house and do what I love forever but I can't put that burden on him either. I'm not doing it at the house with him, I'm going to go home and do it there, my mum will have to break it to him, he won't have to find me.

I know it's selfish, but I'm also worried that if I try and fail it might freak him out so much that I lose him. I haven't had a serious attempt since I've been with him but he has seen me desperate and begging for death.

Trust me he will want you much more than your GPU. The way you describe his love for you I'd say he'd take you over all the stuff/money/things in the world. I know exactly how you feel because I also want to die. I told my partner and I've begun to get some help, it's a long road and I've got a long way to go on it. Will you talk to him? I promise it's what he will want, even though you think you're burdening him. You're not.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I'm lying in bed next to the softest warmest man you have ever seen. We've been together for just over 3 years and we still love each other so much. I am the person he wants to build his life with, but I want to die soon.

I watched him carry his nan's coffin to her final resting place and how upset he was. She was old and died of cancer. I am younger than him and supposed to be there for him, I know my death will tear him apart.
I can't break up with him, I couldn't look him in the eye and tell him I don't want to be with him because it would be a lie. I can't tell him I'm breaking up with him cause I'm going to kill myself as he would try to stop me. The best I can think of is leave some good memories, some money, maybe my rtx 3080 gpu. I will let him know I will always love him and make sure our last conversation will be a good one. It will still break him. Who will comfort him?

Is there anything else that might soften the blow? I love him so much and care for him. I know if he could he'd let me just sit in the house and do what I love forever but I can't put that burden on him either. I'm not doing it at the house with him, I'm going to go home and do it there, my mum will have to break it to him, he won't have to find me.

I know it's selfish, but I'm also worried that if I try and fail it might freak him out so much that I lose him. I haven't had a serious attempt since I've been with him but he has seen me desperate and begging for death.

You cannot soften the overall impact of the blow. All you can do is not make it a worse nightmarish catastrophe by pretending you don't love him ontop of ctb. I don't know why people think that'll make it better for them.

 

[Itsbeenalongtime]

If it's something you're willing to share why do you want to CTB?

If I had the love that you describe I don't think I'd be thinking of ctb so I'm curious what the rest of the story is. Have you tried opening up to him about whatever you're dealing with? Maybe he would love to help you get through it?

But to answer your question..... You can't. I keep telling myself since my daughter knows a fraction of what haunts me that she'll ultimately understand when I ctb. But I know deep down it won't matter. It'll still crush her!

I don't know if there is anything that can lessen the pain sadly. It's really hard to keep living because I will hurt loved ones if I ctb.

I don't know what will happen when I ctb, but I hope that it doesn't make others want to ctb.... or blame themselves.

It's just, I don't think humans take death well, it's like a end to a story, a goodbye forever. Well at least I don't take it well no matter how hard I try to accept it.

I know that it isn't as simple as just getting help, you might have already tried or can't. And it might not be as simple as just talking to him.

I know that life is a pain and it might never go away, but maybe give one last go at life? It's okay if you don't want to though, I can understand why.

Life is horrible but, I still have some things I need to do before it's my time. Then I can rest a bit more in peace at least.

I don't know the reasons why you want to ctb, an you don't need to justify why you want to ctb to me. I can't say what will happen in the future, how he will react. But I will say that you can always ctb when you feel you are ready, but don't rush it or force it.

Trust me he will want you much more than your GPU. The way you describe his love for you I'd say he'd take you over all the stuff/money/things in the world. I know exactly how you feel because I also want to die. I told my partner and I've begun to get some help, it's a long road and I've got a long way to go on it. Will you talk to him? I promise it's what he will want, even though you think you're burdening him. You're not.

I have ASD and ADHD and I find very mundane tasks hard to execute and anxiety-inducing, even opening an email I find stressful can bring me to the point of wanting to die rather than actually doing it. I can also get very over-excited and not be able to sleep for days because my brain won't shut up. I cant make myself work or study or do personal admin despite the fact I was always good in school and I hate the fact I cant live up to my own expectations. I deal with a lot of things by ignoring them, as if I dont think about them I'm happy and dont get suicidal. But it always leads up to mega breakdowns where I get that truly horrible desperate feeling that I just cant exist and I want to tear my existence apart. i think if someone just gave me money and let me do my hobbies and helped me take care of myself I'd be a lot happier but thats not the way the world works and being dependent in itself makes me anxious. I'm not always 'depressed' but I am always anxious and ctb is a way of getting out of my own head. I have seen therapists at several points in my life to no avail. Well if i explained fully the story would be a lot longer but thats the gist of it.

It hurts me to hurt him. I cant tell him my intentions as he would try to stop me or be an accomplice. Also if he doesnt know or has no signal then theres less he 'could have done to stop it'. My prepared note explains that I'm trying to make this as hard to prevent as possible so people know it wasnt on them to stop me. I know he'd rather have me than any of my stuff. The other day his mum offered to sell us her old home and he straight up told me that if it wasnt right for me he'd rather have me than the home he grew up in. Typing this akes me feel so much guilt but I honestly don't think I can sustain myself forever and either way i will eventually become a burden.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like you are going through a lot. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I do not think there is much you can do, apart from writing notes to give them some closure. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[waitingforrest]

I have ASD and ADHD and I find very mundane tasks hard to execute and anxiety-inducing, even opening an email I find stressful can bring me to the point of wanting to die rather than actually doing it. I can also get very over-excited and not be able to sleep for days because my brain won't shut up. I cant make myself work or study or do personal admin despite the fact I was always good in school and I hate the fact I cant live up to my own expectations. I deal with a lot of things by ignoring them, as if I dont think about them I'm happy and dont get suicidal. But it always leads up to mega breakdowns where I get that truly horrible desperate feeling that I just cant exist and I want to tear my existence apart. i think if someone just gave me money and let me do my hobbies and helped me take care of myself I'd be a lot happier but thats not the way the world works and being dependent in itself makes me anxious. I'm not always 'depressed' but I am always anxious and ctb is a way of getting out of my own head. I have seen therapists at several points in my life to no avail. Well if i explained fully the story would be a lot longer but thats the gist of it.

It hurts me to hurt him. I cant tell him my intentions as he would try to stop me or be an accomplice. Also if he doesnt know or has no signal then theres less he 'could have done to stop it'. My prepared note explains that I'm trying to make this as hard to prevent as possible so people know it wasnt on them to stop me. I know he'd rather have me than any of my stuff. The other day his mum offered to sell us her old home and he straight up told me that if it wasnt right for me he'd rather have me than the home he grew up in. Typing this akes me feel so much guilt but I honestly don't think I can sustain myself forever and either way i will eventually become a burden.

It must feel very conflicting for you. But, I can understand feeling like a burden, especially to loved ones. I can't really say much, but I hope people don't start getting mad at you in the comments. And also if I have made things worse. If I was in your shoes, I would feel so guilty and stressed, having internet strangers getting mad not understanding surely doesn't make things better.

I wish you luck, it's not easy to have to go through this. Whatever you decide to put in the note, I'm sure that you will be able to find the right words.