How Can I Do This to My Parents?

[WillOxyWork]

They have fought so hard for me throughout all my hardships. They have been relentlessly supportive. My dad is old and not in the best health. When he finds my body, I'm worried he may have a heart attack. My mom will be absolutely devastated. But life feels so hopeless now and I just want the peace of death. How can I do this to them? Am I supposed to suffer until they die first?

 

[Deleted member 19276]

It is like being stuck between two evils - Having them deal with your death, which will be bad for them. Or having yourself stuck here because of them, but get to suffer. :(

I don't know what to tell you WillOxyWork... With me it's a different story on the parents thing, mainly because they are aware of what has been happening at this point. Overall, you will have to make a choice. Whatever you decide to do, do not pressure yourself for it, thinking it's bad or wrong. It's simply a choice.
Not saying you should go out, not saying you shouldn't. Perhaps you can try talking about how you feel to them? :/

 

[person123]

Suffering for others seems like a masochism, I prefer death.

 

[somniummalum]

It's a tough situation to be in, but it is your path, not theirs.
you are the only person that knows what is best for yourself.

 

[Heavy]

Your parents are the reason for your suffering. Fuck them.

 

[FreddieQuell]

I've struggled with this a lot as well. In the end, for me, it comes down to be able to forgive myself for the pain I will cause. I forgive myself because I know continuing is unbearable. As @somniummalum wisely says, it is your path.

 

[WillOxyWork]

It is like being stuck between two evils - Having them deal with your death, which will be bad for them. Or having yourself stuck here because of them, but get to suffer. :(

I don't know what to tell you WillOxyWork... With me it's a different story on the parents thing, mainly because they are aware of what has been happening at this point. Overall, you will have to make a choice. Whatever you decide to do, do not pressure yourself for it, thinking it's bad or wrong. It's simply a choice.
Not saying you should go out, not saying you shouldn't. Perhaps you can try talking about how you feel to them? :/

Thanks, and I can't tell them how I feel. They were very quick to send me to inpatient multiple times when I was a teen, and they would surely do it again.

 

[schopenh]

I'm really sorry about your circumstance. The only useful thing I think I can say is that if you do go through with CTB to make sure to write a letter outlining your feelings exactly how you did in this post. Let them know you're grateful for their relentless support. That you didn't want them to have to deal with finding a body. etc.

 

[Anonymoussn]

They have fought so hard for me throughout all my hardships. They have been relentlessly supportive. My dad is old and not in the best health. When he finds my body, I'm worried he may have a heart attack. My mom will be absolutely devastated. But life feels so hopeless now and I just want the peace of death. How can I do this to them? Am I supposed to suffer until they die first?

This has been something weighing on my mind for a long time. This is a reason not to do it. There are reasons to do it, and reasons not to do it for all of us. The only way you can make a decision is to weigh up all of those reasons, and decide which you are more in favour of. One of the things you've got to make a decision on is if in spite of the grief it will cause to others, it is still something you feel is the right decision. You may feel that you are in so much mental or physical pain that you cannot go on, despite what it would do to others. That is why a lot of people are here.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

@WillOxyWork Jesus, I am so sorry to hear that! Sounds like a very complicated situation. They shoved you in there, yet you still love them and care for them. I am truly sorry!

 

[Emily123]

i can't ctb for the same reason

 

[somniummalum]

Thanks, and I can't tell them how I feel. They were very quick to send me to inpatient multiple times when I was a teen, and they would surely do it again.

i can't ctb for the same reason

Another important thought is that your death will cause grief no matter what. When you die from age at 90 people will grief. When you die from a car accident in 10 years people will grief. When u ctb tomorrow people will grief.
you can't avoid that anyways.

 

[rhiino]

I am in a very similar situation. It is devastating, I have been put in a hell that I cannot escape without hurting the people I love and that love me.

The only thing I have come up with to overcome this is to just not think about the consequences, but I do not know whether this is even possible.

 

[ebt88]

Don't ctb in your house, do it somewhere else so they don't have to find you.

 

[NoPlaceForme]

Nobody asks to be here. And as such, although it hurts to know the ones close to me can be hurt it has been a long battle of living for others and realizing I get nothing out of it. I can't be happy and stringing myself along for nothing else than keeping someone happy by being alive. It leads me to doing the bare minimum...at this point even below that. Even if I string myself with hope every hopeless night is imagining that I had just not been put here.

 

[jrums]

Same situation. Had my mom crying last night telling her I can't go on. She is 71 and a very emotional, caring women that has been there through my many hardships as well. My dad is more rational and trying to get my mom to see the pain I'm in and that it should be my choice. But they are divorced and he lives farther away so he won't be the one to find me. My situation is unlivable though. I'm 38 and have been completely wiped out by psych drugs. Emotionally, cognitively, physically, and sexually. Don't sleep for days on end. Endless torture. I'm not a human anymore. No choice.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I get what you mean. My mom has done her very best to help me. I'm trying to wait it out because i know she will be so heartbroken

 

[helpmehelpme]

Thanks for your deeply felt responses. We do our best to honor ourselves and honor family. I just was talking with my mom about it, and she said I'd be doing a tremendous disservice to people. "They'll understand" is what I said. And I believe that. It is hard to be in this place, but I am and am thankful I can put it out there and hear how you deal with similar circumstances. I am committed to getting to my 50th birthday in late August -- a promise I made to myself -- and then all bets on living are off. Until then I need to focus on getting affairs in order somehow with dignity and care. Write a will, etc. With the latest break-up I have experienced, I am broken beyond what I was already, and now it's crawling around on shards of myself, bleeding out and bleating out the worst things I could say about myself. God bless all of you. As the saying goes, "Suicidal people are just angels who want to go home."

 

[Bauhaus]

Also in this situation, my parents are in their mid 70's, I'm 48. My mum isn't in best health (myelofibrosis).
They support me whenever they can and I know they'll be devastated, it should be the other way round and I should take care of them but I can't.
I regret not having ctb years ago, if that makes sense to you.

I hope you'll find a way for your dilemma, take care.