How can i better deal with my anxieties? They often make me feel like killing myself

[Minas]

Unfortunately i have experience with lots of abuse, and this left me paranoid of everyone wanting to hurt me, implanted me with the idea that i was made to be killed by someone else or be their punching bag.

I wasn't strong enough to save myself from the abuse, and I'm not lucky enough either to be sure that it won't happen again with someone else... I **cannot** fight back, it's useless. I know that this how my life will end early, fighting back against someone is useless. It will just prolong my pain.

So... how do i deal with this? How can i spend my last days? I constantly feel like i am a dead man walking already, and it's just a matter of time.

If i am going to die like this... I wish to atleast make it so by my own hand. I'm already a toy that belongs to other people. If it's inevitable... atleast this will be my only act of independence.

 

[Praying 4 a Miracle]

Abuse is a very difficult situation. My advice would be to try and get away from your abuser(s) if at all possible, and then try to find some things to get excited about in this life. Excitement eats stress and anxiety for breakfast. There's a constant battle going on in our body between the natural chemicals that these emotions create. Powerful endorphins which excitement creates combat the "fight and flight" chemicals that anxiety creates.

 

[Jdieiejdjaow]

You've gotten at the core of complex trauma. I recommend watching Tim Fletcher's YouTube videos on the subject (timfletcher.ca website) and/or finding a complex trauma therapist (be it in your area or online if you've a safe space from where you can connect with the therapist). Navigating abusive, neglectful and/or abandoning situations or past is difficult and is often a long term endeavor. Help is available, make the first step and make use of it.
P.S. avoid therapists who are not specialized in treating complex trauma as they can get you retraumatized