Help How can I be good enough ?

[Marine]

Disclaimer : Please don't feed the trolls and don't hijack my thread again. Mods if anything happen I'm counting on you to remove all abusive and off topic messages.

This is a follow up to my Why ? thread that got hijacked by trolls.

Like I mentioned I got beyond getting hurt again or triggered this time. That guy was everything I'm looking for physically, like 100%, style included, what I see in my dreams and meditations, THE ONE look, which doesn't happen so often, if ever, so him treating me like worthless trash to obliterate isn't benign. It brought the old trauma fresh as new, I didn't even think it was possible. And it's the culmination of everything else that compounded it really.

So at this point my conclusions are :

Despite what people say I have to believe that I'm really worthless and not good enough where I am. I know dating sites lie, they hide likes, profiles and everything, but for EVERY truly attractive person I've liked everywhere I go, including offline, to maybe reciprocate 1% of the time and abandoning me anyway it must be on me, and I can't really live with that.

I don't know if I could ever become good enough in my situation. I don't know if my hair and skin problems can ever be reversed back to pre medication, if I can ever rejuvenate enough to look 20 something for long enough, or if I can overcome bulimia, get skinny and healthy again, and even if all of that would make me beautiful enough to attract the right people.

If it's not a physical thing but a personal blockage it's because I feel inadequate like this and there will never be another way other than fixing everything I just listed because regardless of love I need all of that to love myself and just make life bearable really, but in isolation having lost everything and made to feel like I have no worth and still being annihilated by that first trauma that just got prolonged how can I find the vital force to make progress ? I haven't so far. I feel doomed...

If anyone has managed to overcome such a situation, got themselves to a point where they feel good about themselves physically, and met their relationship needs without settling, please give me some feedback.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I can only give my general personal experience, so you can draw conclusions from.

Best relationships(2+)
Online at first, neither know how the other looked. They were attracted to my personality first then I reciprocated. Mutual attraction when meeting. I would say they're better looking than me but not necessarily confident about their looks. They probably think I'm better looking than them. Their personality is ideal or close to ideal. Fulfilling.

Successful relationships:
IRL at first. Mutual attraction. I fell for them first, although they probably approached me first. They have a mostly nice or interesting personality. Somewhat fulfilling.

Unsuccessful relationsips:
Online at first, may or may not know how each other look. They have ulterior motives before and during dating. Varying looks. They have a toxic personality. Nightmare.

 

[Marine]

I can only give my general personal experience, so you can draw conclusions from.

Best relationships(2+)
Online at first, neither know how the other looked. They were attracted to my personality first then I reciprocated. Mutual attraction when meeting. I would say they're better looking than me but not necessarily confident about their looks. They probably think I'm better looking than them. Their personality is ideal or close to ideal. Fulfilling.

Successful relationships:
IRL at first. Mutual attraction. I fell for them first. They have a mostly nice or interesting personality. Somewhat fulfilling.

Unsuccessful relationsips:
Online at first, may or may not know how each other look. They have ulterior motives before and during dating. Varying looks. They have a toxic personality. Nightmare.

Thanks. Where did you meet the successful relationships, online and offline ? What would you say was the determinant factor in things working out ?

I've only ever had the latter

 

[Pluto]

I haven't seen the other thread but I can share a few comments from my own attempts at addressing similar issues.

There are a minority of people on dating sites who have the maturity to view the apps critically, which can be a good starting point for quality bonding and conversation in itself. The very notion of judging someone based on a few seconds, or being overwhelmed by dozens of potential matches, sets up a quantity-over-quality culture that makes the app addictive like gambling. Just as Facebook can be a great source of connecting with other niche communities, or it can be a cesspool of fakeness, toxicity, disinformation and bullying, the key is using a tool without being used by it.

Saying "I am not good enough" is a double-edged sword. It is very positive to take responsibility for the fact of having work on one's self to do, rather than taking the easy but harmful path of just blaming other people and keeping the same patterns of misery going.

Some people find that harsh self-criticism motivates change. I've been going hard at the gym in recent months to battle against the aesthetic woes of my unfortunate genes, and it has brought so many unexpected benefits that my only regret is ever treating it as less than essential. The reality is that people do treat us better when we have put extra effort into our fitness and appearance, and it is not a bad thing to make efforts in these areas rather than just complaining about society being superficial.

The other comment to make sort of contradicts the previous one, so applying all of this in practice becomes a fine art. But it must be said that having the deeply subconscious belief of being unworthy or inferior (which of course was picked up through childhood neglect/abuse, internalised and integrated into the personality of the individual) unfortunately has the effect of being a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes us struggle to notice when we are being mistreated because we don't deserve any better, and failing to establish boundaries leads quite naturally to mistreatment, unless the other person is highly conscious.

So in summary, extract the benefits of "I am not good enough" and invest energy to do your best in all facets of self-improvement, then at the same time battle the notion of being unworthy of your goals and dreams. I hope this makes some sense and is not just word salad! :D

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Thanks. Where did you meet the successful relationships, online and offline ? What would you say was the determinant factor in things working out ?

I've only ever had the latter

Best = online (e.g. through gaming) but also the worst = online (through gaming or dating sites).
IRL, its in the middle, tend to meet more ordinary people, but I never go out a lot so it was mostly just in college days that I had relationships that started from IRL .

I honestly think its just luck, I wish I could recall the specific circumstances even of getting people attracted to me in the first place. Even things we talked about. As for working out, I think luck of the draw that they had nice personality and cared/attracted to me. I think mutual attraction helps a lot, because when attracted to someone physically you care about them more. So just lucky with the personality and being attracted to each other. Someone was pretty near perfect for me and made me feel looked after as much as I cared about them, but I had some issues with C/PTSD and undiagnosed physical illnesses that are resolved now. Another person ctb.

When it doesn't work out for me is when the other person is toxic, mostly. Although even a toxic person isn't necessarily all that bad if they 'love' you. It just makes it harder to work out.

 

[Marine]

I haven't seen the other thread but I can share a few comments from my own attempts at addressing similar issues.

There are a minority of people on dating sites who have the maturity to view the apps critically, which can be a good starting point for quality bonding and conversation in itself. The very notion of judging someone based on a few seconds, or being overwhelmed by dozens of potential matches, sets up a quantity-over-quality culture that makes the app addictive like gambling. Just as Facebook can be a great source of connecting with other niche communities, or it can be a cesspool of fakeness, toxicity, disinformation and bullying, the key is using a tool without being used by it.

Saying "I am not good enough" is a double-edged sword. It is very positive to take responsibility for the fact of having work on one's self to do, rather than taking the easy but harmful path of just blaming other people and keeping the same patterns of misery going.

Some people find that harsh self-criticism motivates change. I've been going hard at the gym in recent months to battle against the aesthetic woes of my unfortunate genes, and it has brought so many unexpected benefits that my only regret is ever treating it as less than essential. The reality is that people do treat us better when we have put extra effort into our fitness and appearance, and it is not a bad thing to make efforts in these areas rather than just complaining about society being superficial.

The other comment to make sort of contradicts the previous one, so applying all of this in practice becomes a fine art. But it must be said that having the deeply subconscious belief of being unworthy or inferior (which of course was picked up through childhood neglect/abuse, internalised and integrated into the personality of the individual) unfortunately has the effect of being a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes us struggle to notice when we are being mistreated because we don't deserve any better, and failing to establish boundaries leads quite naturally to mistreatment, unless the other person is highly conscious.

So in summary, extract the benefits of "I am not good enough" and invest energy to do your best in all facets of self-improvement, then at the same time battle the notion of being unworthy of your goals and dreams. I hope this makes some sense and is not just word salad! :D

Thank you.

I'm aware of the dating sites' pitfalls, but I also know that some people, like me, use them for the right reasons, and my struggles are the same offline as well, whenever I was able to meet people IRL...

Hating myself used to work, but not anymore. Only positivity drives me forward now.

There are so many things that make going to the gym extremely difficult now for me : my hair issues, if my hair catches sweat I'm no longer visible, I can't be out in public without a brushing and keeping it in place so no hole shows, which is excruciatingly stressful. My skin also doesn't handle sweat well with my makeup, and makeup is necessary to hid my skin issues, can't be seen without it. I don't seen myself redoing all of that at the gym. I've tried working out by myself again recently but my body is so broken it didn't go well. The horrible heat here makes it seem even more harrowing... I used to work out a lot and really liked it but that was before my body went to hell so now I don't know how to make it work anymore, everything seems impossible to overcome... The first thing to do for me is finding a way to make restriction work again too.

I know about the subconscious thing, I don't think it's a behavioural thing in my case so much as an aura thing because it repels people before we even get to meet, but the only things that improved it were what I thought were solid bonds / loving relationships / belonging somewhere before I saw the deception and improving my appearance. No amount of therapy or any type of work on myself ever changed anything other than my own awareness, which doesn't do anything for relationships. I've battled it for years and that didn't work. I need substantial, tangible things to allow change.

 

[Pluto]

There are so many things that make going to the gym extremely difficult now for me

I can see that that makes it very difficult. My reason for taking 41 years to attend a gym was essentially the fear of being judged. But the particular gym I go to has a very non-judgemental environment, including people who are elderly, obese and everything in between. I couldn't be far enough away from a gym full of cocky fitness models.

If this is not a practical option, I can recommend investing in a good cross-trainer. I find this to be the most intense of the cardio exercises and will enable the various exercise benefits of mental health, physical fitness and social confidence from the privacy of home. Because my own intention is to gain weight, I'm heavily reliant on the range of machines and dumbbells at the gym, though I do have cardio stuff in my routine as well. I think losing weight should much simpler, being based on a formula of calories consumed versus burned through exercise.

I don't know if I can comment on the relationship side of things specifically, as I have not successfully overcome this issue myself and don't want to sound like a complete hypocrite.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Disclaimer : Please don't feed the trolls and don't hijack my thread again. Mods if anything happen I'm counting on you to remove all abusive and off topic messages.

This is a follow up to my Why ? thread that got hijacked by trolls.

Like I mentioned I got beyond getting hurt again or triggered this time. That guy was everything I'm looking for physically, like 100%, style included, what I see in my dreams and meditations, THE ONE look, which doesn't happen so often, if ever, so him treating me like worthless trash to obliterate isn't benign. It brought the old trauma fresh as new, I didn't even think it was possible. And it's the culmination of everything else that compounded it really.

So at this point my conclusions are :

Despite what people say I have to believe that I'm really worthless and not good enough where I am. I know dating sites lie, they hide likes, profiles and everything, but for EVERY truly attractive person I've liked everywhere I go, including offline, to maybe reciprocate 1% of the time and abandoning me anyway it must be on me, and I can't really live with that.

I don't know if I could ever become good enough in my situation. I don't know if my hair and skin problems can ever be reversed back to pre medication, if I can ever rejuvenate enough to look 20 something for long enough, or if I can overcome bulimia, get skinny and healthy again, and even if all of that would make me beautiful enough to attract the right people.

If it's not a physical thing but a personal blockage it's because I feel inadequate like this and there will never be another way other than fixing everything I just listed because regardless of love I need all of that to love myself and just make life bearable really, but in isolation having lost everything and made to feel like I have no worth and still being annihilated by that first trauma that just got prolonged how can I find the vital force to make progress ? I haven't so far. I feel doomed...

If anyone has managed to overcome such a situation, got themselves to a point where they feel good about themselves physically, and met their relationship needs without settling, please give me some feedback.

Beauty matters. To attract the highest quality men, your looks will be 90 percent of that. Beautiful women are so lucky that they can get the top tier guys

 

[Marine]

Beauty matters. To attract the highest quality men, your looks will be 90 percent of that. Beautiful women are so lucky that they can get the top tier guys

Precisely yes. Most of the time anyway. I can only hope I can get there. That's what some people tell me at least...

I can see that that makes it very difficult. My reason for taking 41 years to attend a gym was essentially the fear of being judged. But the particular gym I go to has a very non-judgemental environment, including people who are elderly, obese and everything in between. I couldn't be far enough away from a gym full of cocky fitness models.

If this is not a practical option, I can recommend investing in a good cross-trainer. I find this to be the most intense of the cardio exercises and will enable the various exercise benefits of mental health, physical fitness and social confidence from the privacy of home. Because my own intention is to gain weight, I'm heavily reliant on the range of machines and dumbbells at the gym, though I do have cardio stuff in my routine as well. I think losing weight should much simpler, being based on a formula of calories consumed versus burned through exercise.

I don't know if I can comment on the relationship side of things specifically, as I have not successfully overcome this issue myself and don't want to sound like a complete hypocrite.

Isn't a trainer super expensive ? I live on disability benefits. I can probably save enough to attend a gym but I don't think hiring a trainer would be affordable or I would have already hired a coach.

I mostly love martial arts but the dojo I had in mind disgusted me during the plandemic by making students wear masks, and there's no way I can go to a place with such mentality. I suppose most gyms were stupid too but how they function is different let's say, I expect less from them. I don't know where to find a place that would feel good... Most places I looked up didn't really speak to me, expect for one that was horribly expensive...

Is it bad that I want to be around fitness models as well ? That can help bringing me to their level, not to mention maybe meet friends or someone.

 

[Julgran]

Disclaimer : Please don't feed the trolls and don't hijack my thread again. Mods if anything happen I'm counting on you to remove all abusive and off topic messages.

This is a follow up to my Why ? thread that got hijacked by trolls.

Like I mentioned I got beyond getting hurt again or triggered this time. That guy was everything I'm looking for physically, like 100%, style included, what I see in my dreams and meditations, THE ONE look, which doesn't happen so often, if ever, so him treating me like worthless trash to obliterate isn't benign. It brought the old trauma fresh as new, I didn't even think it was possible. And it's the culmination of everything else that compounded it really.

So at this point my conclusions are :

Despite what people say I have to believe that I'm really worthless and not good enough where I am. I know dating sites lie, they hide likes, profiles and everything, but for EVERY truly attractive person I've liked everywhere I go, including offline, to maybe reciprocate 1% of the time and abandoning me anyway it must be on me, and I can't really live with that.

I don't know if I could ever become good enough in my situation. I don't know if my hair and skin problems can ever be reversed back to pre medication, if I can ever rejuvenate enough to look 20 something for long enough, or if I can overcome bulimia, get skinny and healthy again, and even if all of that would make me beautiful enough to attract the right people.

If it's not a physical thing but a personal blockage it's because I feel inadequate like this and there will never be another way other than fixing everything I just listed because regardless of love I need all of that to love myself and just make life bearable really, but in isolation having lost everything and made to feel like I have no worth and still being annihilated by that first trauma that just got prolonged how can I find the vital force to make progress ? I haven't so far. I feel doomed...

If anyone has managed to overcome such a situation, got themselves to a point where they feel good about themselves physically, and met their relationship needs without settling, please give me some feedback.

You are not the problem.

As the dating market stands right now, the best kept males are using all women for pleasure, and then they cast them- meaning you - aside, since they don't need you any more.

This subject is larger that you may want to imagine, but let's keep it to the paragraph above. The point is that there's probably nothing wrong with you. Keep looking for the guys whom you may think that not every other woman or bi man is looking for.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Precisely yes. Most of the time anyway. I can only hope I can get there. That's what some people tell me at least...

Isn't a trainer super expensive ? I live on disability benefits. I can probably save enough to attend a gym but I don't think hiring a trainer would be affordable or I would have already hired a coach.

I mostly love martial arts but the dojo I had in mind disgusted me during the plandemic by making students wear masks, and there's no way I can go to a place with such mentality. I suppose most gyms were stupid too but how they function is different let's say, I expect less from them. I don't know where to find a place that would feel good... Most places I looked up didn't really speak to me, expect for one that was horribly expensive...

Is it bad that I want to be around fitness models as well ? That can help bringing me to their level, not to mention maybe meet friends or someone.

Precisely yes. Most of the time anyway. I can only hope I can get there. That's what some people tell me at least...

Isn't a trainer super expensive ? I live on disability benefits. I can probably save enough to attend a gym but I don't think hiring a trainer would be affordable or I would have already hired a coach.

I mostly love martial arts but the dojo I had in mind disgusted me during the plandemic by making students wear masks, and there's no way I can go to a place with such mentality. I suppose most gyms were stupid too but how they function is different let's say, I expect less from them. I don't know where to find a place that would feel good... Most places I looked up didn't really speak to me, expect for one that was horribly expensive...

Is it bad that I want to be around fitness models as well ? That can help bringing me to their level, not to mention maybe meet friends or someone.

Yeah All I can say is plastic surgery is life changing. That combined with fillers and Botox? It can make someone super attractive to high quality guys

 

[Marine]

Yeah All I can say is plastic surgery is life changing. That combined with fillers and Botox? It can make someone super attractive to high quality guys

I wish I could afford it. I can only count on my decent features and improvement through fitness, care and style.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

To answer the title "how can I be good enough." The answer is complicated.
There ever rarely is good enough. Even if the stars align, and we cross off the list we have made, we will always in any circumstances find new flaws that we believe needs fixed. It's a never ending cycle like that.
I think this is also why people who get plastic surgery more than often will do it again, or at least dream about the next thing. There rarely is an end to it.
And it's not just plastic surgery, this logic can be find in so many things and actions in our lives.

I think maybe we have to settle at some point at certain aspects we think need fixed, but in the same time we have to continue to evolve and improve ourselves.
As I said, it is complicated.
Also I do note in the way you explain it, that there is a very high focus on physical aspects and characteristics on both yoruself and the guy. Maybe even too much.
I haven't exactly been in the situation you describe, but I sometimes catch myself worrying about if I will ever get a partner again, with the same physical characteristics and beauty as my ex. I find it silly, because I know that thought path won't lead to anything constructive.

 

[Marine]

You are not the problem.

As the dating market stands right now, the best kept males are using all women for pleasure, and then they cast them- meaning you - aside, since they don't need you any more.

This subject is larger that you may want to imagine, but let's keep it to the paragraph above. The point is that there's probably nothing wrong with you. Keep looking for the guys whom you may think that not every other woman or bi man is looking for.

I don't know. Not all beautiful guys can be like that. And I can't change my type. I can't ever settle. What I need should be available. There are enough beautiful guys of my type around for at least one to look for someone like me. My type isn't really what everyone is looking for either. It's definitely super popular but not everyone likes it. Most people prefer macho guys I think. I'm a feminine and pretty skinny guy lover.

To answer the title "how can I be good enough." The answer is complicated.
There ever rarely is good enough. Even if the stars align, and we cross off the list we have made, we will always in any circumstances find new flaws that we believe needs fixed. It's a never ending cycle like that.
I think this is also why people who get plastic surgery more than often will do it again, or at least dream about the next thing. There rarely is an end to it.
And it's not just plastic surgery, this logic can be find in so many things and actions in our lives.

I think maybe we have to settle at some point at certain aspects we think need fixed, but in the same time we have to continue to evolve and improve ourselves.
As I said, it is complicated.
Also I do note in the way you explain it, that there is a very high focus on physical aspects and characteristics on both yoruself and the guy. Maybe even too much.
I haven't exactly been in the situation you describe, but I sometimes catch myself worrying about if I will ever get a partner again, with the same physical characteristics and beauty as my ex. I find it silly, because I know that thought path won't lead to anything constructive.

Physicality matters. That's how the world is. We are incarnated beings, it's as normal as it is natural. I don't mention psychological aspects because they're not the problem here.

I can be reasonable and content without settling, which is impossible anyway.

I won't take judment though. Only help.

Why wouldn't you ? I know I see the type I'm looking for all around my city (I live in model city lol). There is more than enough for at least one to be right for me. Why wouldn't take apply to you as well ? Though I understand your worries since I have the same.

I can see that that makes it very difficult. My reason for taking 41 years to attend a gym was essentially the fear of being judged. But the particular gym I go to has a very non-judgemental environment, including people who are elderly, obese and everything in between. I couldn't be far enough away from a gym full of cocky fitness models.

If this is not a practical option, I can recommend investing in a good cross-trainer. I find this to be the most intense of the cardio exercises and will enable the various exercise benefits of mental health, physical fitness and social confidence from the privacy of home. Because my own intention is to gain weight, I'm heavily reliant on the range of machines and dumbbells at the gym, though I do have cardio stuff in my routine as well. I think losing weight should much simpler, being based on a formula of calories consumed versus burned through exercise.

I don't know if I can comment on the relationship side of things specifically, as I have not successfully overcome this issue myself and don't want to sound like a complete hypocrite.

If you have a hypothesis it can still be helpful potentially. About boundaries : I have this issue where my brain is like "I don't know if I'll ever see them again so I better not assume it and go with stuff I'd rather wait for" oftentimes. I'm not sure what I can do about it. I can almost never deal with conflicts or misunderstandings properly either because I get thrashed when I try to stand my ground or stepped on when I try to be conciliatory, and they never care enough to fix things...

 

[whatevs]

Considering that in your opening statement you only mention physical attractiveness it would make sense to focus on diet and exercise to meet the requirements handsome and fit men demand. There tends to be a "looksmatch" in couples, not always but frequently.

 

[Marine]

Considering that in your opening statement you only mention physical attractiveness it would make sense to focus on diet and exercise to meet the requirements handsome and fit men demand. There tends to be a "looksmatch" in couples, not always but frequently.

Indeed. That's where bulimia, and my situation as a whole become an obstacle as indicated. Hence the request for help.
Plus many people I've asked told me that there was a match, so those are only my own biaised considerations.

 

[whatevs]

Indeed. That's where bulimia, and my situation as a whole become an obstacle as indicated. Hence the request for help.
Plus many people I've asked told me that there was a match, so those are only my own biaised considerations.

If you were similarly "beautified" then you have to accept that person disliked you and brainwash yourself into thinking that he wasn't worth it anyway. There might not been a way for you to be respected and wanted by this person.

But in general, if you are valuing looks first you have to provide them yourself.

 

[Marine]

If you were similarly "beautified" then you have to accept that person disliked you and brainwash yourself into thinking that he wasn't worth it anyway. There might not been a way for you to be respected and wanted by this person.

But in general, if you are valuing looks first you have to provide them yourself.

I don't really understand your response but that's not very helpful either way.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Physicality matters. That's how the world is. We are incarnated beings, it's as normal as it is natural. I don't mention psychological aspects because they're not the problem here.

I can be reasonable and content without settling, which is impossible anyway.

I won't take judment though. Only help.

Why wouldn't you ? I know I see the type I'm looking for all around my city (I live in model city lol). There is more than enough for at least one to be right for me. Why wouldn't take apply to you as well ? Though I understand your worries since I have the same.

I am sorry if I sounded to be judging, I really am not and neither am I in a place to judge if it was something I wished to do.
But you asked for feedback, and that makes me sugarcoat things less vs if someone just wants to vent.
I can see why it seems unfair when what you wish and dream for is right there before your eyes.

For me personally, I got the best result when I stopped activiely looking for the partner. When it was no longer the main goal, the opputunity eventually presented itself in a very understated manner. But until that point, it's a lot of bruteforcing, a lot of spending time and energy getting to know people only to find out that it isn't what you seeked anyway. It's a lot to do with mindset, even if it does sound very cliché.
I don't know how I am personally going to do that again, I truly don't have that power right now. But it did work for me once.
And I can't bring a person so much broken, things have to be fixed first. Perhaps some can be said for you, I don't know.
I'm just a stranger giving feedback.

 

[whatevs]

I don't really understand your response but that's not very helpful either way.

I hope someone comes along that can share with you a squatting regime and meal prep plan.

 

[Marine]

I am sorry if I sounded to be judging, I really am not and neither am I in a place to judge if it was something I wished to do.
But you asked for feedback, and that makes me sugarcoat things less vs if someone just wants to vent.
I can see why it seems unfair when what you wish and dream for is right there before your eyes.

For me personally, I got the best result when I stopped activiely looking for the partner. When it was no longer the main goal, the opputunity eventually presented itself in a very understated manner. But until that point, it's a lot of bruteforcing, a lot of spending time and energy getting to know people only to find out that it isn't what you seeked anyway. It's a lot to do with mindset, even if it does sound very cliché.
I don't know how I am personally going to do that again, I truly don't have that power right now. But it did work for me once.
And I can't bring a person so much broken, things have to be fixed first. Perhaps some can be said for you, I don't know.
I'm just a stranger giving feedback.

I understand that but that's absolutely impossible for me. I'm dying because of that, I have to accept that it's my primary vital need. I've tried that in the past when I could afford it, didn't work. So that's not it. I do think having friends would help though since we need comrades to overcome any type of hell but I'm equally struggling with that.

None of that can be said for me, no. I'm ready for a relationship and capable of bringing what's needed and leaving what's not. It happens naturally. I've gathered enough evidence of it.

I hope someone comes along that can share with you a squatting regime and meal prep plan.

Not really what I asked...

 

[rainwillneverstop]

You seem quite set on what you wish, do you just wish someone to confirm your point of view or why are you asking for feedback?

 

[Funeralprincess]

I wish I could afford it. I can only count on my decent features and improvement through fitness, care and style.

Yeah if you're poor there's only so much you can do and over time aging will catch up. That's what sucks about being in poverty is yeah you can make changes, but they'll never be able to match up to surgical enhancements, and rejuvenation therapy

 

[Marine]

You seem quite set on what you wish, do you just wish someone to confirm your point of view or why are you asking for feedback?

I know my needs. I'm asking for relevant, helpful feedback, not dissmissal, and like the disclaimer said no trolling.

Yeah if you're poor there's only so much you can do and over time aging will catch up. That's what sucks about being in poverty is yeah you can make changes, but they'll never be able to match up to surgical enhancements, and rejuvenation therapy

Aging can catch up when I'm 50 and have lived my youth. Many natural solutions go a long way and maybe eventually I'll get richer. I don't think artificial solutions are always necessary when you look decent enough to begin with.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

I know my needs. I'm asking for relevant, helpful feedback, not dissmissal, and like the disclaimer said no trolling.

It just very much appears as if you are cherry picking for a specific type of "feedback" that you already have in mind, and invisioned, and just wish to be confirmed.
The way you are responding, just makes it appear as if you do not reflect on the feedback. I also feel a lack of understanding from you.
This is how it feels, this is what feedback is. Here you go.

I will leave you and the thread to it, and I am not trolling. And it's really not appreciated that you continue to just throw accusations. Unless trolling for you means not agreeing with your points of view.

Good luck with your mindset.

 

[Marine]

It just very much appears as if you are cherry picking for a specific type of "feedback" that you already have in mind, and invisioned, and just wish to be confirmed.
The way you are responding, just makes it appear as if you do not reflect on the feedback. I also feel a lack of understanding from you.
This is how it feels, this is what feedback is. Here you go.

I will leave you and the thread to it, and I am not trolling. And it's really not appreciated that you continue to just throw accusations. Unless trolling for you means not agreeing with your points of view.

Good luck with your mindset.

I pick the relevant helpful feeback that applies to my situation as is natural to do and am respectful. Disagreeing and not understanding one another happens sometimes, as do misunderstandings. If I accidentally hurt you in any way I'll be glad to address it privately as it was not my intent. I'm sorry if you don't understand but no more hijacking my threads.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

you already said that you don't "want to settle". if I understood right (which I dunno if I did), you meant to say that you don't want a guy that is less than you deserve, ugly, or is not your type etc. that's OK, but unfortunately makes things a little complicated.

my main idea to solve this type of situation would probably be, to be a little accepting of a guy's imperfections, while he is accepting of yours. the world often works like this, giving is a good way of receiving.

you said you have some skin and hair issues, that's OK. the guy probably has his imperfections too. if you're not willing to accept his, I think it's weird to think that he should accept yours. it can happen, but it's not how the world works generally.

maybe he is slight overweight, bald, poor, shorter than your type, is unemployed or doesn't have a car, has ugly tattoos etc…

we all have our defects.

but imperfection is a form of freedom.

I don't think you need to use make-up and disguise your hair, by the way. the person who gets close to you are gonna notice all these things and more. if he isn't able to love you because of your hair, is he the right person¿? so if you marry him and get cancer, he is gonna leave you because hair is super important? the right person will accept you.

you don't need to work hard to be loved. that idea sets people up for bad relationships. you can work on yourself but you should know that you were enough all long, even if your skin was way worse, your hair fell and you gained weight, you're still worth it. I think you gotta reparent yoursef, to unlearn the bad childhood patterns, otherwise your childhood may ruin your adult intimate relationships.

they say that beauty is only useful during the first 5 minutes. beauty doesn't make a relationship work, definitely not! here in Brazil we even have a saying for this, we say "Beleza não põe mesa."

in my opinion, if you find a guy who appears to be very good and everything that you want, it's because you haven't quite known him yet. as the time passes, it's natural that his flaws become more and more evident and hard to hide, whichever they are (sometimes the fruit is even rotten inside). as Nietzsche says, "There are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth."



.

also, in my experience, my type changed dramatically throughout my life according to who was my girlfriend at that time.

after staying a couple of years with an overweight white girl, I started to become very attracted to fat white girls, even many years after the break-up, which was not particularly my "type". then some time later, after spending many years with a brown girl with curly hair – same thing happened – that became my "type"… it still is, 'cause that was the last girlfriend I had (after that, I became secluded like an urban ermit, so I never found anyone again hehe).

based on my experience, I theorize that after having sex countless times with the same person, sleeping together on the same bed and exchanging tons of bacteria, our brain can perhaps rewire through neuroplasticity, to be attracted to that "type", to that kind of appearance.

it's scientifically shown that partners who live together tend to have a very similar gut microbiome. in other words, the species of microorganisms that live in our gut, mainly bacteria, are very similar to our partner's. this happens because you exchange bacteria through touching, kissing, cuddling etc. – that's incredible by the way, because usually the gut microbiome of humans differs drastically from person to person.

.

it also happens that a person who is unatractive to us becomes attractive after we discover how nice, loving, caring, funny, smart and gentle they are.

.

it's estimated that less than 35℅ of college students use dating apps. imagine how lower that number would be if they researched middle age guys instead. I reemphasize my suggestion from the other thread: maybe find a way to expand your social circle. those who have many friends and acquaintances usually have more options and an overall easier time finding a partner.

what way? I don't know, maybe saying "good day" to people at the markets and grocery shops, then complimenting or asking them about them. talk to people at the squares, parks, shoppings, clubs, music festivals etc… open a public Youtube channel. take pictures of you, express yourself and be prosocial at Facebook. be nice and understanding to people. the more people you know, and the more you give, the more you receive.

although I'm aware that this post may not be particularly helpful, as you apparently have decided what you want already, but I still hope that this helped in some way.

you deserve to be happy.

 

[Marine]

you already said that you don't "want to settle". if I understood right (which I dunno if I did), you meant to say that you don't want a guy that is less than you deserve, ugly, or is not your type etc. that's OK, but unfortunately makes things a little complicated.

my main idea to solve this type of situation would probably be, to be a little accepting of a guy's imperfections, while he is accepting of yours. the world often works like this, giving is a good way of receiving.

you said you have some skin and hair issues, that's OK. the guy probably has his imperfections too. if you're not willing to accept his, I think it's weird to think that he should accept yours. it can happen, but it's not how the world works generally.

maybe he is slight overweight, bald, poor, shorter than your type, is unemployed or doesn't have a car, has ugly tattoos etc…

we all have our defects.

but imperfection is a form of freedom.

I don't think you need to use make-up and disguise your hair, by the way. the person who gets close to you are gonna notice all these things and more. if he isn't able to love you because of your hair, is he the right person¿? so if you marry him and get cancer, he is gonna leave you because hair is super important? the right person will accept you.

you don't need to work hard to be loved. that idea sets people up for bad relationships. you can work on yourself but you should know that you were enough all long, even if your skin was way worse, your hair fell and you gained weight, you're still worth it. I think you gotta reparent yoursef, to unlearn the bad childhood patterns, otherwise your childhood may ruin your adult intimate relationships.

they say that beauty is only useful during the first 5 minutes. beauty doesn't make a relationship work, definitely not! here in Brazil we even have a saying for this, we say "Beleza não põe mesa."

in my opinion, if you find a guy who appears to be very good and everything that you want, it's because you haven't quite known him yet. as the time passes, it's natural that his flaws become more and more evident and hard to hide, whichever they are (sometimes the fruit is even rotten inside). as Nietzsche says, "There are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth."

View attachment 96578

.

also, in my experience, my type changed dramatically throughout my life according to who was my girlfriend at that time.

after staying a couple of years with an overweight white girl, I started to become very attracted to fat white girls, even many years after the break-up, which was not particularly my "type". then some time later, after spending many years with a brown girl with curly hair – same thing happened – that became my "type"… it still is, 'cause that was the last girlfriend I had (after that, I became secluded like an urban ermit, so I never found anyone again hehe).

based on my experience, I theorize that after having sex countless times with the same person, sleeping together on the same bed and exchanging tons of bacteria, our brain can perhaps rewire through neuroplasticity, to be attracted to that "type", to that kind of appearance.

it's scientifically shown that partners who live together tend to have a very similar gut microbiome. in other words, the species of microorganisms that live in our gut, mainly bacteria, are very similar to our partner's. this happens because you exchange bacteria through touching, kissing, cuddling etc. – that's incredible by the way, because usually the gut microbiome of humans differs drastically from person to person.

.

it also happens that a person who is unatractive to us becomes attractive after we discover how nice, loving, caring, funny, smart and gentle they are.

.

I reemphasize my suggestion from the other thread: maybe find a way to expand your social circle. those who have many friends and acquaintances usually have more options and an overall easier time finding a partner.

what way? I don't know, maybe saying "good day" to people in the markets and grocery shops, then compliment then or something or asking them about them. talk to people at the squares, parks, shoppings, clubs, music festivals etc… open a public Youtube channel. take pictures of you, express yourself and be prosocial at Facebook. be nice and understanding to people. the more people you know, and the more you give, the more you receive.

although I'm aware that this post may not be particularly helpful, as you apparently have decided what you want already, but I still hope that this helped in some way.

you deserve to be happy.

I can't settle. It's a given. I don't know why it would make anything complicated. I never said perfect. I said my type. It's obviously impossible to love someone who isn't. Some people may more flexibility around physical traits, I don't, many people don't, and it's fine either way. I deserve my type and anything less is bloody impossible and unacceptable. I'm more flexible around enough other things. To each their own.


I said I was doing everything to fix those issues and they're not so prominent that they would compromise compatibility. I don't disguise my hair. I keep it under control. Same for my skin. People I've lived with have seen both my hair and skin in intimacy and were fine with them. They only prevent me from being model beautiful right now and make me feel insecure.


Those things you mentioned are incompatibilities, not imperfections.

I need to be compatible for the other person, and for myself as well. Romantic love is never unconditional. It may be harsh sometimes but I accept it.


There is no love without attraction for me, and most people, that's the truth. IT'S NORMAL. I'm not asking for anything outside of the normal and reasonable.


People beautiful inside out exist and are numerous. People who tell you otherwise are bitter and looking for excuses.


All of that sound like bitterness and is totally unhelpful. You sound like you're telling me I'm so ugly and defective I don't have a right to choose. That's just not true and you don't know anything about how I am to speak of that.

I don't care how you function, this is MY thread. I have a right to be how I am, which is normal really. Don't shove your resentment on my thread.


I repeat : no trolling or hijacking. Can I have some respect ? Damn.
If you don't have anything nice or helpful to say please refrain. I'm neither a punching bag nor a trash bag.

 

[Cosmic dust]

All this talk about blockage made me think now about that concept of "redflags" in relationships, undesirable traits that make people less attractive as partners.

Like, for example, when a person has been lonely for a long time, people consciously or unconciously think "if that person can't get a partner (or at least not a good one) there must be something wrong with him/her, him/her is not worth of a relationship". Loneliness has become a stigma on society, people see a person with no active social circle, no social network (or not enough to show off) and difficulty to find romantic and/or sexual partners and automatically think less of that person.

Other things that act as redflags are insecurity, unresolved emotional issues, being too clingy, too avaliable, too jealous, wanting to rely too much on a partner to overcome past traumas and mental healthy issues, disabilities of any kind, any kind of chronic illness (I once read a history of a guy that has having a great relationship with a woman, until he discovered that she had a biological condition that would evolve in to a serious illness later in life, in old age, so he abandoned her, because "I don't want to invest in someone just to have to to deal with that later on, I don't need it, I can find somone else"), even the way you talk about your ex can be a redflag, any sign of mental health issues are major redflags too, suicidal ideation and serious mental health issues just makes people run for the hills. If the person doesn't take time to know you well and depending on how far your issues go, the person may decide to just keep looking for someone else. Abusive guys may target you too, expecting you to be an easy prey.

Do you think that you display too many redflags? (Only you can really say). You already mentioned that you are struggling with your social life and you are desperated to find someone, that you expect a relationship to save you.

Please, don't take this wrong, I am not making any assumptions or trying to judge you, just presenting some hypothesis about your "blockade", I hope I don't offend you.

 

[Monique696]

To answer the title "how can I be good enough." The answer is complicated.
There ever rarely is good enough. Even if the stars align, and we cross off the list we have made, we will always in any circumstances find new flaws that we believe needs fixed. It's a never ending cycle like that.
I think this is also why people who get plastic surgery more than often will do it again, or at least dream about the next thing. There rarely is an end to it.
And it's not just plastic surgery, this logic can be find in so many things and actions in our lives.

I think maybe we have to settle at some point at certain aspects we think need fixed, but in the same time we have to continue to evolve and improve ourselves.
As I said, it is complicated.
Also I do note in the way you explain it, that there is a very high focus on physical aspects and characteristics on both yoruself and the guy. Maybe even too much.
I haven't exactly been in the situation you describe, but I sometimes catch myself worrying about if I will ever get a partner again, with the same physical characteristics and beauty as my ex. I find it silly, because I know that thought path won't lead to anything constructive.

I can only speak of personal experience.
Beauty on the outside might fade quite fast, for others it stays throughout their life. Personality is what keeps you afloat and helps over hard and brutal times.
It's the best to meet people over common interests. Makes dating much much easier.
Being too obsessed with a type is damaging your chances to meet the best men possible for you who might have the wrong color hair for your taste but otherwise would fit 100%.
Plus over time our partners tend to get more attractive for us when we spend our lives with them. When you grow together out of love even grey hair and wrinkles can become the cutest thing.
Not to mention stretch marks from your first child or from the times you two binged together so much when the munchies hit
Take life as a game and enjoy it as much as you can along the way. Maybe you meet an amazing npc who becomes so much more to you in the long run