How are you able to research and act when feeling suicidal ?

[camille]

How are you able to you research and prepare when feeling suicidal and reading on this topic ... How do you take the energy to research ways obtaining a suicide poison for yourself ? When i do and think..... there is a COLD FEELING of CRUELTY and COLDNESS and I loose the energy and feel paralysed. It feel different when I did feel deep sad and been acting very dangerous or out of impulse to myself while taking the risk of getting hit by a car and crossing high traffic streets. Through the bus did not catch me - only by some inches - I could only feel the wind - but cruel - the driver did not slowed down but pushed his gas even more !!! some people can be very evil. He saw that I was taking the risk. He would have killed a young life and lost his licence. The mam who saw this had been shocked and then very angry.... hmmm I am absolute fearless like a Ninja girl.

 

[DeadlyLiving]

I am not feeling suicidal out of the blue anymore like I was used to cause I 100% know now that I am going to ctb. It's still hard to do certain things because of my depression and the downing feelings that come with it like writing my suicide note. I want to write it way before I know when I attempt to die so that I don't have too much pressure on that day. I have my method ready and just need to get a few things done here and there. :)

 

[Honigwaffel]

For me it's quite the opposite. With every new information that I research and with every new possible method I am getting closer to finding my peace. And it feels amazing.

I am certain with my decision to ctb and since I made that decision it kind of got better for me. Knowing that there will be an end soon.

 

[headinghome]

For me it's quite the opposite. With every new information that I research and with every new possible method I am getting closer to finding my peace. And it feels amazing.

I am certain with my decision to ctb and since I made that decision it kind of got better for me. Knowing that there will be an end soon.

For me it's the opposite… Because there doesn't seem to be any acceptable method they're all gruesome and painful and even though you say you want to die your body has a different opinion....I did some research online but obviously not enough otherwise I would've known that the pills that I took might not have been a lethal dose although I did pass out and probably my breathing was compromised and if I hadn't been dragged off to the hospital I might have actually accomplished this

I'm more desperate than ever to go but have no access whatsoever to any type of medication… I'd never be able to get in let alone swallow it… There's no way that I could hang myself… So I'm trapped. Like an animal I get more and more desperate each day… All I can say is this must be some alternate universe because there's no way that I ever would've been like this until I had my injury to my foot I just feel like evil has taken over every single part of my life not just my life

 

[S5E51mbB]

I just want it. Honestly, I don't think ever wanted anything this bad. At the end of the day, however my life goes, I know I want to die on my own terms. Even if I do somehow end up living a long and happy life. Anyhow, I've read enough to know that most attempts don't fail and that's really what drives me: I can't fail. It's the one thing I simply cannot afford to mess up.

 

[ArtVandelay]

Fear of failure is a strong motivator for me. If I jump in front of a car or take an overdose and then survive, that will only increase my suffering. I have never attempted suicide but when I do, I want to be very confident that I will succeed. It's not a decision I take lightly and I don't mind spending the time to get it right. It's the last thing I will ever do, so I'm not going to take any half-measures.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I find a sort of relief in looking for the most peaceful options for catching the bus. I spend most of my waking moments feeling fairly agitated so it's cathartic in a way.

 

[headinghome]

I just want it. Honestly, I don't think ever wanted anything this bad. At the end of the day, however my life goes, I know I want to die on my own terms. Even if I do somehow end up living a long and happy life. Anyhow, I've read enough to know that most attempts don't fail and that's really what drives me: I can't fail. It's the one thing I simply cannot afford to mess up.

most attempts DO FAIL! look at the statistics

 

[Escaper Boy]

I didn't feel sad when I researched information. The reason is, doing the research served me as another way for "distraction". As long as I have any distraction, my emotion is numb or suppressed temporarily. I felt sad the most when I did nothing but contemplating life and death in the middle of the night.

 

[S5E51mbB]

most attempts DO FAIL! look at the statistics

It was a typo. Oops. I thought I typed do. Oh well.

 

[tomz323]

It was a typo. Oops. I thought I typed do. Oh well.

The fear of failing to ctb scares me most.

 

[headinghome]

The fear of failing to ctb scares me most.

I tried and did not have enough pills although it might have worked if horrible er people hadn't brought me back....thought eight hours was enough to stop breathing...
so angry, so sad and desperate now
body giving out don't want food or human contact....just want to die...
and now no way to do it....suffering...

 

[Nullm]

This cold blooded feeling is exactly what pushes you to it unfortunately it goes away when the time comes the deep sadness is kinda like hope
Which for me ruined it twice

 

[TAW122]

I'll answer this from the time I was actively suicidal. Back in the last summer, when my life was in the shitter, I've came across this board and found the guns/firearms thread (made by Threads) and I was hooked on it. It went very detailed on how to suicide via a firearm, the guns to get, the ammunition, where to aim, etc. I studied it religiously and took into consideration every detail. I even planned how to obtain a firearm, such as passing the background check, getting the money to purchase the firearm, the ammo, and of course, hiding it from my roommates and landlady. Pretty much, out of sight, out of mind so as long as they don't know they can't do anything. So pretty much I used my desperation and anger at the world to channel it into planning and obtaining the means to leave the shitty world.

Also, before March 2019 this year, I had a detailed plan of when, where, and how I'd commit suicide if things went to shit. Luckily, I didn't have to and recovered enough to not be actively suicidal. I still have my method and means for the future if things are bad enough, but currently am just living life with no expectations. I'm not really enthusiastic about life, but just indifferent.

 

[Alec]

I am not feeling suicidal out of the blue anymore like I was used to cause I 100% know now that I am going to ctb. It's still hard to do certain things because of my depression and the downing feelings that come with it like writing my suicide note. I want to write it way before I know when I attempt to die so that I don't have too much pressure on that day. I have my method ready and just need to get a few things done here and there. :)

I hope you find your peace and everything else you are looking for, you deserve it!

 

[spanishguy22]

This cold blooded feeling is exactly what pushes you to it unfortunately it goes away when the time comes the deep sadness is kinda like hope
Which for me ruined it twice

Umm deep sadness is the biggest motivator lol. For me at least.

 

[Divine Trinity]

most attempts DO FAIL! look at the statistics

They count gestures as attempts, and don't count slower forms of suicide like smoking, ALD, drug ODs (if not proven a suicide), or uf they can't prove it's suicide it's documented as an accident.

Needless to say those statistics are as accurate as the U3 unemployment rate.

 

[housecat]

I don't think I feel/felt too much, as it's just gathering information. Although, researching did give me something to focus on beyond just dealing with agony, so if anything, it has a mildly theraputic aspect. (It took several days for my membership to be approved, so I couldn't discuss or ask at my most critical time. I was sure to wait a good week before acting on anything. Since then, I have not been feeling actively suicidal, but I still value input from minds that have an understanding of depression and suicidal feelings).

 

[k3v3r]

when i was very depressed,i didn't have the energy to do anything. But my antidepressants give me the energy to think and research and do it (it's not like they're gonna give me the will to live back)

 

[GreyMagic]

I manage to stay on track through taking my medications regularly. Then once finished planning will start the weaning process, which I am really looking forward to not..

 

[Nifi]

I find the energy because it is what i want to do if i can't cure my medical condition. It's living on with chronic nerve pain, a shitty cognition and totally disabled or ctb... easy to feel motivated to do my research.

 

[JadedGray]

It's difficult and most of the time I feel overwhelmed. I know I'll feel calm once I have everything I need, but for now I'm just in a panic to get everything and wondering what I will do if I don't. Being this depressed it's hard to do anything, including planning and attempting suicide, but it's the only thing that will end this misery so I just try and put what little energy I have left into it, since I have no other choice other than waiting for a natural death.

 

[Strumgewehr]

Fear of failure is a strong motivator for me. If I jump in front of a car or take an overdose and then survive, that will only increase my suffering. I have never attempted suicide but when I do, I want to be very confident that I will succeed. It's not a decision I take lightly and I don't mind spending the time to get it right. It's the last thing I will ever do, so I'm not going to take any half-measures.

That's the spirit!

 

[Allpainnogain]

It's difficult and most of the time I feel overwhelmed. I know I'll feel calm once I have everything I need, but for now I'm just in a panic to get everything and wondering what I will do if I don't. Being this depressed it's hard to do anything, including planning and attempting suicide, but it's the only thing that will end this misery so I just try and put what little energy I have left into it, since I have no other choice other than waiting for a natural death.

That's exactly how I feel. I also have major anxiety, which increases even more when I think of failing. What method are you considering?

 

[Painpleasure]

Fear of failure is a strong motivator for me. If I jump in front of a car or take an overdose and then survive, that will only increase my suffering. I have never attempted suicide but when I do, I want to be very confident that I will succeed. It's not a decision I take lightly and I don't mind spending the time to get it right. It's the last thing I will ever do, so I'm not going to take any half-measures.

While I can resonate with your fail of failure, I feel there will always be some degree of risk involved even with methods such as Nembutal. I truly wonder if I'll ever be able to actually carry out the act without some emotional stimulant or distressing event which provides enough courage...

 

[ArtVandelay]

While I can resonate with your fail of failure, I feel there will always be some degree of risk involved even with methods such as Nembutal. I truly wonder if I'll ever be able to actually carry out the act without some emotional stimulant or distressing event which provides enough courage...

True, there is always a risk involved, as with everything you do in life. Educating yourself will help to minimize the risk as much as possible though.

 

[PsychoPyro]

While I can resonate with your fail of failure, I feel there will always be some degree of risk involved even with methods such as Nembutal. I truly wonder if I'll ever be able to actually carry out the act without some emotional stimulant or distressing event which provides enough courage...

Amphetamines. Amphetamines or cocaine, 100%. Probably amphetamines, as they tend to make you more confident, rational, and dedicated.

However, I've heard loads of stories of people trying to commit suicide after a cocaine binge, but that's more of desperation, and incentivizes committing suicide no matter how probable survival is.

Don't use any caffeine/nicotine: they'll make you anxious and fearful by nicotinic acetylcholine agonism. As for phenidates like Methylphenidate (Ritalin), I don't know. Probably an okay choice, but worse than amphetamines.

MDMA is a definite no for obvious reasons, although it's an amphetamine and the most emotional stimulant.

 

[JadedGray]

That's exactly how I feel. I also have major anxiety, which increases even more when I think of failing. What method are you considering?

Either SN or N. I've already ordered the SN, but since I'm in Canada (it seems to be difficult for Canadians to get SN) I don't know how likely it is for me to receive it. If I do deicde to get N, it will take a while to save up enough money. What about you?

 

[Zzzzz]

I find it almost impossible to plan research prepare. I've given up on everything. What will most likely happen to me is eventually I will suffer so much from something that I will be compelled to kill myself. I Was hoping to avoid that but that's unlikely.

 

[Allpainnogain]

Either SN or N. I've already ordered the SN, but since I'm in Canada (it seems to be difficult for Canadians to get SN) I don't know how likely it is for me to receive it. If I do deicde to get N, it will take a while to save up enough money. What about you?

I have no idea yet