How am I supposed to have the determination for this?

[Unhitched3040]

I think about suicide constantly. I have for years, as long as I can remember honestly. Even when I'm happy, it doesn't make up for the times that I'm sad. Which makes it hard to kms.

Because even though I feel deeply suicidal now, I know that once I fall asleep and wake up in the morning, the first thing that will be on my mind won't be suicide, it'll be to just get back into my morning routine. But I'm sick of feeling this way so I know I need to kms in order to stop.

I could go down to the gun store right now and purchase a shotgun, but I know I won't. It will take too much determination to do that. I could order stuff online to help me kms with right now, but will I actually use it when it arrives in the mail? Probably not. It also won't make me feel any better in the moment. I'll just feel really guilty and lazy and stuff instead.

I'm being driven mad by this right now

 

[UKscotty]

Yup I feel you.

I suspect the majority of us here are the same. Life is a long series of ups and downs.

Sometimes I get months of happiness, others it's a daily battle.

At the moment it's more up and down by the hour but I find it worse in winter.

Of our entire user base here, probably less than 10 are always saying all life is bad. Even then I find it hard to validate such concepts in my head as they are here for so many years. Not to invalidate people's comments but I just strongly believe there must be something keeping us in life, it can't be all bad else we'd be gone.

When you read of stories of CTB with a shoe lace or a roll of toilet paper, you realise how fragile we are.

 

[sanction]

The main thing keeping us here is simply because CTB is too difficult action to take. Either the pain, or worried it may fail and instead cause permanent damage

As for life being good or bad, for fair majority of people here, its more bad than good. In the end, whatever good there is, simply can't justify the amount of bad there are. The bad outweighs the good

It's life

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think so much in life is trying to find the lesser of the evils. Truth is- we don't know whether a suicide attempt will be easy or hard, peaceful or painful. We don't know whether it will succeed even and if it doesn't- we don't know if we'll be in a far worse place. So- it's not just unknowns. It's unknowns with potentially horrendously bad consequences!

If, when you played the lottery, alongside the chance to win millions, there was also a booby prize- some psychopath would turn up at your door and torture you- how many people would play then?!!

I think it's so naive to see suicide as this 100% guaranteed peaceful end to suffering. It can be I imagine but, it carries enormous risk. I find that tends to differenciate the passive suicidal people from the active ones. Passive ideation can be nice. When you become actively suicidal- unless pain, fear and potential failure with even more pain and fear don't trouble you, most people are nervous.

So- given all that, we are faced with a choice. Reluctantly drag yourself out of bed. Wash. Eat breakfast. Slave away at work. Come home and collapse. All shitty- but at least we know we can handle it. We've done so so many times before. A suicide attempt could go smoothly as planned or, it could land us in so much more pain and suffering. It seems crazy to not fear that. So- it makes perfect sense to me why so many people linger.

The opposite to that- I've seen people utterly terrified to attempt here but- they're backed into a corner. Facing homelessness, all sorts. Sometimes I suppose, the fear of life needs to outweigh the fear of attempting suicide. I suspect the majority of us dread or hate life rather than fear it at the moment, so we linger on.

 

[DesperateOne]

I mean yeah... that is like 95% of this forum. The people who do go through with it have already firmly decided and do not need to make a ton threads about it. They just come here, make a few posts to gather info on CTB methods and then they are gone.