HadesOfPurple
Rummy odd-eyed cat
- May 19, 2020
- 14
''Hoppy to be here'' in lieu of ''happy'', because 1) who of us is happy here? 2) Hades Of Purple: HOP:Hoppy. Just call me Algy, though.
Hello, everybody. If there is an ''introduce yourself'' thread, I ask the mods to please move this there, but my search feature found nothing when I wrote that in.
I actually registered here about......a month ago? I found this place a few months ago, and lurked for awhile. I've been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was a child, so suicidal ideation is my longest companion of all. I will describe how I got to where I am now, and how I got here. I hope it's not too long, but if anyone relates at all, I hope I can find some understanding about being having decided to ctb. Of course that isn't easy. You can make the choice, but since everything has gone wrong in my non-existence (I imagine a life should include some living, so I know nowt of that), I am afraid that even though I have no family, no friends, and nobody to whom I matter except my debtors, somebody, somehow, will find me and get me institutionalised, and it is that I fear, not death (I knew it was finally time to go when I felt serenity when thinking of death, not dread. Now I feel dread about rotting on like this)....so, I have decided that--if I can manage..I will give myself a year to research methods very well, so I find one that is not likely to get me discovered mid-act or leave me crippled, even if it's painful--but I want to do one thing right, just one thing right, and ironically, that is death (I usually write it with a cap D: Death; I've so much awe for it), and while I do so, I wish to talk to people who will not try to insult my intelligence with false narratives like (you all know them): ''Life is a gift!'', ''Don't do it, you're not alone, you are loved!'' ''It gets better!'' etc. which is what I--like most of you, I'm sure--encounter in our every day. So this will be a bit of a ramble. Feel free not to read.
First of all, I am English in heritage; we spoke English at home, but I was born in a small, shitty, backwards European country that is so bad, anyone who thinks the UK health system, education, jobs, etc. are abysmal, should try this. I did live in the UK for a few years as a teen (am now in my mid-twenties), but my English mum renounced her UK citizenship before marrying dad and moving here (political reasons or sth) and having me, so due to legal red tape, my elder brother does have UK citizenship, but I do not, so I can't move back to live, even if I could afford it. So I am stuck in a rural shithole where animals are seen as ''property'', healthcare is shit (psychiatry the crown of all. Pills, pills, pills, bills, bills, bills, and then you rot away somewhere in a closed section, piss all over you), education is shit (have a learning disability? Get better or be homeless, you lazy bugger), jobs cannot be found unless you know people who know people, prices are high, wages are miniscule. People here are private, with a ''we take care of us and ours, and the rest of you can die....but if you do, let us know so we can take your gold, if you have any) attitude. No talk about death, suicide, homosexuality, veganism, etc. Transgender people are classed as mental patients, gay people beard each other because homosexuality is only ok on paper here, but in real life, you'd better beard or else; asexual people are seen as people with a mental development of a child or liars, etc. A very progressive shithole, as you can see. Brits who come here as tourists say ''what a quaint little place'', because they only see the touristy bits where the wealthiest residents bathe in luxury. They don't see the poor, the outcasts, the homeless, the mentally ill, the suicidal that this shithole has produced, and nobody talks about such taboo subjects. The UK is not a perfect place, it has its bad bits, but compared to this, trust me, the UK is a first-world country. I miss the pub culture of my home (I consider myself 100% British); no such thing here. Just tribes; no subcultures; no pub culture, no hanging out, nothing. Just families, closed off from the world. There is nowhere to run. Making friends here is impossible. People all already have friends, and most of them follow the life script: be born, go to school, go to uni, get a job, settle down with ''the one'', get married, buy a house, and get in debt for that, have children, work until you drop, buy buy buy stuff, die'' I cannot connect to that. I do not wish to work just to pay bills. I do not wish to settled won just because I would be seen as abnormal if I didn't. I do not wish to be a slave to state and capitalism because ''you have no choice''. I do not wish to be a robot, but here you either conform or die. I cannot conform. I had rather die true to my ideals than put up just to pay my bills. What's the point of paying bills? So you can rot away in a life that is allergic to you? I'm sorry, I just don't see the beauty of life like the normies do.
So, how I got here:
My childhood was poor, emotion-wise. Parents were immature and selfish, and left us kids to fend on our own. Father was also physically and verbally abusive. No direction, nary a word of advice on how to survive in this world. I was fed regularly as a child, though, I had new clothes, new books for school (in a rural area where many didn't), etc., so it wasn't all child abuse and neglect. It was a psychologically impoverished childhood, but you know--people think they can financially take care of a child, and that's reason enough to procreate. How many people do you think ask themselves whether they're emotionally well-off, stable and loving enough to be ready to have a child? I don't think many do. I was told to back off from bullies, so I did, and it didn't end well. Primary school was torture; secondary school...I changed schools a lot, didn't fit in anywhere. It got so bad, I asked to not go to school anymore and pay for exams to finish it (so I could study at home), and blase as always, my parents indulged me. At the same time, I first visited an alienist (I like this term, because they truly alienate you even further from yourself). I got diagnosed with 'depression/OCD''. Going to visit a shrink because I was fed lies like ''Find professional help, it gets better!' is one of the greatest regrets of my life. If you have ''depression'' written in your file here, you can get cancer; the doc will see that and shrug it off with a ''it's all in your head''. Because here, depression=hallucinations=hypochondria. When I left school, I spent years all alone. I'd
suffered from mild OCD before, but it exacerbated and I became seriously delusional and psychotic; lost all sense of reality. I also became obese, so I regret leaving school. I should have toughed it out, but I let mental illness run out of control instead. I visited hundreds of alienists, but they only gave me pills and more pills (they didn't tell me they'll make me fat), but they sure took all the money that made me obese and gave me stretch marks all over my body that killed any hope of ever having a romantic life (nobody is attracted to a scarred body; only in Hallmark films).
I was psychologically at my lowest of lows, but at least (aside from obesity), I was healthy. Then my body started falling apart. One day, I began noticing bruises on my legs that did not result from injury. I went to the doctor (I had visited thousands since; same answer: meh), and was told ''it's nothing'. Then, my kidney area began to hurt acutely (no idea if it's actually kidneys or what. Lower back, but not back pain) so much that I later could not function anymore unless I stuffed myself with 10 painkillers. Then my nerves and joints began to ache. Then came exhaustion, no matter how long sleep had been. Then, brain fog. Memory problems. Gastrointestinal problems. Poor eyesight. Like, my whole body was literally rotting away. Because of this, I could not look for jobs; I had to go to doctors (still had faith then), who told me: ''says depression here, so it's all in your head. Don't waste my time''. Every time. This has been going on for 10 years now; every year I get 1-2 new symptom, and still nobody believes me I am seriously sick. Still, years ago, although my back hurt, I could still somehow manage to function, so I was actually lucky enough to get a job (through an acquaintance, what else. No other way here). Then, my life improved for almost a year. I loved, actually loved my job. It was difficult, but I liked that I wasn't the only ''weirdo'' there. There were others who did not fit the heterosexual, family person box. Only in this job, gay people were open about themselves, weirdness was accepted, creativity was not undesired. The boss was a capitalistic swine, but most coworkers were ok; at least we stuck together. I even earned enough to move away from this suburban nightmare, where I'd lived in a 80% mould-covered apartment since birth. I found a tiny apartment, but it was all that I needed (job was minimum-wage after all, 3 quid per hour, but I loved it, and that was top on my priority list), my physical health improved a bit, especially because after a decade of obesity, I began to exercise and lost a lot of weight. My mental health improved a lot. Depression was almost gone, psychoses too, OCD was better. I even completed education. Then, my favourite co-workers left, and a punter touched me inappropriately. I reported this to the boss, and demanded they took action. They did. They sacked me. I had no choice but to return to this mould nightmare (looked for a new job, but nothing). As soon as I returned, my physical and mental health began deteriorating rapidly again. I used to be able to walk for 4 hours a day, and spend hours at fitness. Now I cannot even get out of bed. I've been going to doctors, but they all say it's all imaginary. I've got bruised all over my body, it's black and covered with strange spiderweb markings, too. They say it's nothing. I have terrible back pain, terrible headaches, nerve and join pain, gastrointestinal disease, incontinence (at my age!), etc. I feel like I have a vacuum in my head, brain fog. Aside from that I suffer from anhedonia, depersonalisation, and my hopeless depression and OCD are worse than they've ever been.
Because of health problems, I could never find another job, especially not one I'd enjoy. I am a self-taught musician; I built a studio at home. After decades of feeling lost, I realised music is where my heart was at, so I finally began to write songs. I realised well, however, that people no longer form bands, because they're in relationships with their technology, so I never could locate anyone to form a band with. I also realise that the only ways to make money off your music are: 1) be a child of a celebrity 2) fuck your way to the top 3) know important people, and i don't have 1 and 3, in 2 I have no interest. Major labels are only interested in your Taylor Swifts and Billie Elishes (sorry, can't be bothered to check how it's spelled. Not worth my time), premeditated 'music'' that can be marketed to naive children. Indie labels are only interested in family members and friends. So, zero chance of that for me. Also, producing a song in a studio costs 1000 quid per song at least (more than a basic funeral), and nobody cares for the music, only profit, so they treat your songs coldly, like a product. So I have zero chance of ever making a cent in doing what I enjoy (and can work slowly, without working hours, whenever I have a good day, as I have bad days when the pain's too much, and days that can be managed with painkillers), but they're (state) already threatening to take away my welfare if I don't find a 'real' job in one month, even though I'm seriously sick, but can't prove that because doctors don't believe me.
So in a few months my welfare will be taken away, I will go from 250 quid per month to nothing per month. I rot away in mould (which may have caused my physical and mental symptoms. Google 'mould toxicity-), I suffer in physical agony (can't get through a day without painkillers for the most part), depression and OCD are out of control again and it's draining me. I have no hope or prospects for the future. A job is impossible to get anymore (I had learning disabilities, so I was forced to go to a shit school because of debilitating dyscalculia; I excelled at every other subject. This precluded any chance of my going to uni, though), I am rotting physically and psychologically, I have zero friends (the ones I hopes would be my friends have disappointed me. They had other friends; I did not), no romantic life, no social life (too disfigured and weird for these), I cannot move from this hellhole (I've been destitute since my parents divorced, save for a brief time when I was working) and poverty. I can go on for 50 years of same as it ever was, or I can be a coward. And as my favourite, Kate Bush, sings: ''I've always been a coward''. I have no recourse to further education (exorbitant costs) or jobs, social support, financial independence. I have zero control over my non-existence. Besides all this, I had something for 7 years that kept me from ctb before. I don't want to go into details, it's too personal, but when I registered here, I still had that one dear reason to go on. Now, it's gone forever. I have nothing to live for anymore. No hope, and it will not get better. All I hope to find on this forum is some understanding and discussion of methods, so I can make an informed decision when I ctb (for personal reasons, I've chosen June next year for ctb....should I last this long). I am, of course, hoping whatever disease is eating me internally does the job before that. I've got no family that cares (they've always said they knew I'd commit suicide, so they'll only know they'd been right. The said ''stop talking, just do it'', so I have no concerns of anyone mourning me. More inheritance for my siblings, innit), no friends, nothing. L'appel du vide has caught up with this former rebel, now an empty shell. Sorry for the ramble and the disorganised writing style. Oh, and the typos.
You all seem like a fine, non-judgmental lot, so I'm hoping I'll find some compassion and support here, and no ''it gets better'' bollocks. The only way it gets better for me is to divorce life and be seduced by death into oblivion.
Life everyone seems to be happy with, but some of us see it like this:
Hello, everybody. If there is an ''introduce yourself'' thread, I ask the mods to please move this there, but my search feature found nothing when I wrote that in.
I actually registered here about......a month ago? I found this place a few months ago, and lurked for awhile. I've been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was a child, so suicidal ideation is my longest companion of all. I will describe how I got to where I am now, and how I got here. I hope it's not too long, but if anyone relates at all, I hope I can find some understanding about being having decided to ctb. Of course that isn't easy. You can make the choice, but since everything has gone wrong in my non-existence (I imagine a life should include some living, so I know nowt of that), I am afraid that even though I have no family, no friends, and nobody to whom I matter except my debtors, somebody, somehow, will find me and get me institutionalised, and it is that I fear, not death (I knew it was finally time to go when I felt serenity when thinking of death, not dread. Now I feel dread about rotting on like this)....so, I have decided that--if I can manage..I will give myself a year to research methods very well, so I find one that is not likely to get me discovered mid-act or leave me crippled, even if it's painful--but I want to do one thing right, just one thing right, and ironically, that is death (I usually write it with a cap D: Death; I've so much awe for it), and while I do so, I wish to talk to people who will not try to insult my intelligence with false narratives like (you all know them): ''Life is a gift!'', ''Don't do it, you're not alone, you are loved!'' ''It gets better!'' etc. which is what I--like most of you, I'm sure--encounter in our every day. So this will be a bit of a ramble. Feel free not to read.
First of all, I am English in heritage; we spoke English at home, but I was born in a small, shitty, backwards European country that is so bad, anyone who thinks the UK health system, education, jobs, etc. are abysmal, should try this. I did live in the UK for a few years as a teen (am now in my mid-twenties), but my English mum renounced her UK citizenship before marrying dad and moving here (political reasons or sth) and having me, so due to legal red tape, my elder brother does have UK citizenship, but I do not, so I can't move back to live, even if I could afford it. So I am stuck in a rural shithole where animals are seen as ''property'', healthcare is shit (psychiatry the crown of all. Pills, pills, pills, bills, bills, bills, and then you rot away somewhere in a closed section, piss all over you), education is shit (have a learning disability? Get better or be homeless, you lazy bugger), jobs cannot be found unless you know people who know people, prices are high, wages are miniscule. People here are private, with a ''we take care of us and ours, and the rest of you can die....but if you do, let us know so we can take your gold, if you have any) attitude. No talk about death, suicide, homosexuality, veganism, etc. Transgender people are classed as mental patients, gay people beard each other because homosexuality is only ok on paper here, but in real life, you'd better beard or else; asexual people are seen as people with a mental development of a child or liars, etc. A very progressive shithole, as you can see. Brits who come here as tourists say ''what a quaint little place'', because they only see the touristy bits where the wealthiest residents bathe in luxury. They don't see the poor, the outcasts, the homeless, the mentally ill, the suicidal that this shithole has produced, and nobody talks about such taboo subjects. The UK is not a perfect place, it has its bad bits, but compared to this, trust me, the UK is a first-world country. I miss the pub culture of my home (I consider myself 100% British); no such thing here. Just tribes; no subcultures; no pub culture, no hanging out, nothing. Just families, closed off from the world. There is nowhere to run. Making friends here is impossible. People all already have friends, and most of them follow the life script: be born, go to school, go to uni, get a job, settle down with ''the one'', get married, buy a house, and get in debt for that, have children, work until you drop, buy buy buy stuff, die'' I cannot connect to that. I do not wish to work just to pay bills. I do not wish to settled won just because I would be seen as abnormal if I didn't. I do not wish to be a slave to state and capitalism because ''you have no choice''. I do not wish to be a robot, but here you either conform or die. I cannot conform. I had rather die true to my ideals than put up just to pay my bills. What's the point of paying bills? So you can rot away in a life that is allergic to you? I'm sorry, I just don't see the beauty of life like the normies do.
So, how I got here:
My childhood was poor, emotion-wise. Parents were immature and selfish, and left us kids to fend on our own. Father was also physically and verbally abusive. No direction, nary a word of advice on how to survive in this world. I was fed regularly as a child, though, I had new clothes, new books for school (in a rural area where many didn't), etc., so it wasn't all child abuse and neglect. It was a psychologically impoverished childhood, but you know--people think they can financially take care of a child, and that's reason enough to procreate. How many people do you think ask themselves whether they're emotionally well-off, stable and loving enough to be ready to have a child? I don't think many do. I was told to back off from bullies, so I did, and it didn't end well. Primary school was torture; secondary school...I changed schools a lot, didn't fit in anywhere. It got so bad, I asked to not go to school anymore and pay for exams to finish it (so I could study at home), and blase as always, my parents indulged me. At the same time, I first visited an alienist (I like this term, because they truly alienate you even further from yourself). I got diagnosed with 'depression/OCD''. Going to visit a shrink because I was fed lies like ''Find professional help, it gets better!' is one of the greatest regrets of my life. If you have ''depression'' written in your file here, you can get cancer; the doc will see that and shrug it off with a ''it's all in your head''. Because here, depression=hallucinations=hypochondria. When I left school, I spent years all alone. I'd
suffered from mild OCD before, but it exacerbated and I became seriously delusional and psychotic; lost all sense of reality. I also became obese, so I regret leaving school. I should have toughed it out, but I let mental illness run out of control instead. I visited hundreds of alienists, but they only gave me pills and more pills (they didn't tell me they'll make me fat), but they sure took all the money that made me obese and gave me stretch marks all over my body that killed any hope of ever having a romantic life (nobody is attracted to a scarred body; only in Hallmark films).
I was psychologically at my lowest of lows, but at least (aside from obesity), I was healthy. Then my body started falling apart. One day, I began noticing bruises on my legs that did not result from injury. I went to the doctor (I had visited thousands since; same answer: meh), and was told ''it's nothing'. Then, my kidney area began to hurt acutely (no idea if it's actually kidneys or what. Lower back, but not back pain) so much that I later could not function anymore unless I stuffed myself with 10 painkillers. Then my nerves and joints began to ache. Then came exhaustion, no matter how long sleep had been. Then, brain fog. Memory problems. Gastrointestinal problems. Poor eyesight. Like, my whole body was literally rotting away. Because of this, I could not look for jobs; I had to go to doctors (still had faith then), who told me: ''says depression here, so it's all in your head. Don't waste my time''. Every time. This has been going on for 10 years now; every year I get 1-2 new symptom, and still nobody believes me I am seriously sick. Still, years ago, although my back hurt, I could still somehow manage to function, so I was actually lucky enough to get a job (through an acquaintance, what else. No other way here). Then, my life improved for almost a year. I loved, actually loved my job. It was difficult, but I liked that I wasn't the only ''weirdo'' there. There were others who did not fit the heterosexual, family person box. Only in this job, gay people were open about themselves, weirdness was accepted, creativity was not undesired. The boss was a capitalistic swine, but most coworkers were ok; at least we stuck together. I even earned enough to move away from this suburban nightmare, where I'd lived in a 80% mould-covered apartment since birth. I found a tiny apartment, but it was all that I needed (job was minimum-wage after all, 3 quid per hour, but I loved it, and that was top on my priority list), my physical health improved a bit, especially because after a decade of obesity, I began to exercise and lost a lot of weight. My mental health improved a lot. Depression was almost gone, psychoses too, OCD was better. I even completed education. Then, my favourite co-workers left, and a punter touched me inappropriately. I reported this to the boss, and demanded they took action. They did. They sacked me. I had no choice but to return to this mould nightmare (looked for a new job, but nothing). As soon as I returned, my physical and mental health began deteriorating rapidly again. I used to be able to walk for 4 hours a day, and spend hours at fitness. Now I cannot even get out of bed. I've been going to doctors, but they all say it's all imaginary. I've got bruised all over my body, it's black and covered with strange spiderweb markings, too. They say it's nothing. I have terrible back pain, terrible headaches, nerve and join pain, gastrointestinal disease, incontinence (at my age!), etc. I feel like I have a vacuum in my head, brain fog. Aside from that I suffer from anhedonia, depersonalisation, and my hopeless depression and OCD are worse than they've ever been.
Because of health problems, I could never find another job, especially not one I'd enjoy. I am a self-taught musician; I built a studio at home. After decades of feeling lost, I realised music is where my heart was at, so I finally began to write songs. I realised well, however, that people no longer form bands, because they're in relationships with their technology, so I never could locate anyone to form a band with. I also realise that the only ways to make money off your music are: 1) be a child of a celebrity 2) fuck your way to the top 3) know important people, and i don't have 1 and 3, in 2 I have no interest. Major labels are only interested in your Taylor Swifts and Billie Elishes (sorry, can't be bothered to check how it's spelled. Not worth my time), premeditated 'music'' that can be marketed to naive children. Indie labels are only interested in family members and friends. So, zero chance of that for me. Also, producing a song in a studio costs 1000 quid per song at least (more than a basic funeral), and nobody cares for the music, only profit, so they treat your songs coldly, like a product. So I have zero chance of ever making a cent in doing what I enjoy (and can work slowly, without working hours, whenever I have a good day, as I have bad days when the pain's too much, and days that can be managed with painkillers), but they're (state) already threatening to take away my welfare if I don't find a 'real' job in one month, even though I'm seriously sick, but can't prove that because doctors don't believe me.
So in a few months my welfare will be taken away, I will go from 250 quid per month to nothing per month. I rot away in mould (which may have caused my physical and mental symptoms. Google 'mould toxicity-), I suffer in physical agony (can't get through a day without painkillers for the most part), depression and OCD are out of control again and it's draining me. I have no hope or prospects for the future. A job is impossible to get anymore (I had learning disabilities, so I was forced to go to a shit school because of debilitating dyscalculia; I excelled at every other subject. This precluded any chance of my going to uni, though), I am rotting physically and psychologically, I have zero friends (the ones I hopes would be my friends have disappointed me. They had other friends; I did not), no romantic life, no social life (too disfigured and weird for these), I cannot move from this hellhole (I've been destitute since my parents divorced, save for a brief time when I was working) and poverty. I can go on for 50 years of same as it ever was, or I can be a coward. And as my favourite, Kate Bush, sings: ''I've always been a coward''. I have no recourse to further education (exorbitant costs) or jobs, social support, financial independence. I have zero control over my non-existence. Besides all this, I had something for 7 years that kept me from ctb before. I don't want to go into details, it's too personal, but when I registered here, I still had that one dear reason to go on. Now, it's gone forever. I have nothing to live for anymore. No hope, and it will not get better. All I hope to find on this forum is some understanding and discussion of methods, so I can make an informed decision when I ctb (for personal reasons, I've chosen June next year for ctb....should I last this long). I am, of course, hoping whatever disease is eating me internally does the job before that. I've got no family that cares (they've always said they knew I'd commit suicide, so they'll only know they'd been right. The said ''stop talking, just do it'', so I have no concerns of anyone mourning me. More inheritance for my siblings, innit), no friends, nothing. L'appel du vide has caught up with this former rebel, now an empty shell. Sorry for the ramble and the disorganised writing style. Oh, and the typos.
You all seem like a fine, non-judgmental lot, so I'm hoping I'll find some compassion and support here, and no ''it gets better'' bollocks. The only way it gets better for me is to divorce life and be seduced by death into oblivion.
Life everyone seems to be happy with, but some of us see it like this:
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