Story Hoping to recover a lost friendship (and live)

[JKFleck]

Long story short, I have CPTSD and BPD, I showed suicidal thoughts and vent at my best and only friend too much, he muted me and stopped reading my messages, my fear of abandonment triggered and I begged him to come back which only resulted in the opposite and he blocked me on every social media platforms (citing me as harassing him), it happened 6 months ago, I also have no family, I work to send myself to school and feed myself simultaneously. He was the only person who ever truly understands me. (we have like 100% the same interests and personality and typing style)


I'm undergoing DBT to treat both of my conditions in one go, I'm currently 1 month in and learning new coping skills


My expected completion of the treatment course is end of August, which also happens to be really close to my birthday on 6th of September, I'll tell that guy through a mutual friend announcing myself cured and wait like a few weeks to see if he will come back or not, I really wish I'll see that Discord friend request, if he still insists on moving on and dgaf about my efforts then I'll CTB with SN, happy deathday! :D

 

[OneAndOnly!!]

Hey friend!! I'm really sorry all of this is happening, and I'm really proud you are taking it into your hands to recover!! You are going through a lot, and I really hope you keep moving forward ^^ <33

 

[The Burning Fool]

It's just a basic fact of human social dynamics that two or more individuals are either held together by necessity / pressure from the outside, or they will wander off and return whenever they see fit. You can't herd animals like bears or black widow spiders and you'd be an idiot for trying. You can't glue friendships together and the same goes for that too.

The fact that it's so painful to lose friends and family or whatever is because we as individual organisms had evolved to survive as members of tribes and clans before the world became such a safe place recently that we can do almost whatever the fuck we want and still live on for decades. It's painful and you have to take it if you want to survive in today's world. Your heartache is the price you're paying for your friends not being threatened enough to stay together with you in a group any longer by predators or other hostile groups. You can let them go, they suck anyway. I know because everyone does. And never listen to a fool.

 

[JKFleck]

I just got to hold on and try my best for 5 months, waiting patiently

Flow chart: Success rekindle of the relationship => I live happily forever after
No one values my effort => I die happily forever after

It's a guaranteed win either way

 

[HereTomorrow]

I was in a similar position, except I am not formally diagnosed with BPD (I don't think I have it though, might be a trauma response). I had a wonderful friend I'll call "Jana" who always listened to me at my darkest moments. However, there comes a time when friends have limits, and "Jana" saw me as a burden rather than a friend. To think of not being with her made me in distress, and when it actually happened, I physically struggled to breathe for a month and the world felt like it was crumbling, silently begging for her to come back, and spiraling into fantasizing my own death if she doesn't follow the orders I never even told her.

But in the end, that is "Jana's" decision, and she finalized everything. My pain is only going to hurt myself. And while it hurts years and years later, there comes a point of acceptance and trying to move on. I am still struggling with this, to make finalizing moments if things do not go my way, yet hoping not to CTB if/when that happens. I say this because the next thing I will say is things I have had to process myself.

What would happen if you were stressed out and surrounded by people who drag you into their problems? How about university exams coming up and someone is stressing you over various issues and distracting you? To have a friend be willing to listen to you vent is an amazing feeling but there comes a time where it doesn't help anyone or make a friendship one sided.

One of the harshest realities of this situation is if you truly insist on recovery from suicidal thoughts and continue living, you will have to begin accepting that there is no guarantee your former friend will return and to find ways to move on.

I am not saying this is easy, and I will not dismiss your feelings. It is agonizing, self destructive, and almost feels like it is neverending. It clouds your thoughts and feelings with the only perceived cure being the one thing that will likely not happen. Wanting to CTB if you feel truly abandoned is a major symptom of BPD. If you want to reclaim a friendship and follow through with CTB if it falls, then you are not cured from BPD or CPTSD, and your friendship rekindling will be built on lies, which will not work in the long run. If in the chance you do recover fully, and the friendship rekindles much better, then I'll congratulate you on your journey, but it is not a guarantee.

You're in the recovery section of the forum, so this is the best I can say if you're intending on living. You may not bring the friendship together again, but DBT can prepare you to begin new powerful friendships and relationships that may not replace, but help you move on with the agony you're facing.

I wish you the best of luck regardless.

Edit: Spelling

 

[Equaldentist]

I don't have BPD but I am currently in a DBT support group at the moment. I don't think DBT works the way you think, in that the inherent point of DBT is going to be to get you to recognise that it is your fear of abandonment driving you and it would be driving you in the same way with a different person, and that your best friend can't actually be the answer because it isn't about him as an individual, it's about you. I know that BPD people can have a 'favourite person' and he sounds like he was that for you; and people with BPD tend to mimic their favourite person, so when you say he completely understood you and that you had all the same interests, personality, and typing style, that may have been you mimicing him to an extent.
I am concerned that by thinking you can use DBT that way when that's not how it's supposed to work, you are setting yourself up for failure. I hope you are able to explain this situation to your professional help, maybe you could take this post to them.

 

[Young.Werther]

Good luck! I know the feeling (unfortunately). I get the sense my friend is happier without me in their life, so I try to keep my distance. I miss them though. It's a ways away, but I'd love to know how it goes (if you're willing to share ofc).

 

[JKFleck]

3/16/2024 update:

Losing motivation to live, somehow this video is helping me a little bit

 

[JKFleck]

4/12/2024 update:

Learned how to give away access to my cryptocurrency wallet to a chosen friend as his heritage from me should the worst case scenario come true.