Warning: This is a long, moaney rant... Feel free to ignore. I'm just spewing out my thoughts.
I feel like one of the main things that motivates us to live is still having 'wants' or 'hopes'.
I feel like 'hopes' are more realistic than 'wants'. As in- they seem more reliant on our own actions in life and we maybe feel we have at least some chance of attaining our goals.
So: 'I want to win the lottery, I want to become hugely famous, I want to marry a super model' are more pie in the sky wishes. 'I hope to marry a super model' is utterly unrealistic for someone like me! 'I hope to win the lottery' isn't a sure bet for anyone.
Sometimes, I'm not even sure I have many 'wants' left in life. I have the quick dopamine fixes I still enjoy and want but, not so much the big life ambition stuff.
It's even kind of proved it to me recently, in that some big life ambition stuff is potentially on the horizon for me and yet, I just have mixed feelings about it all. Predominantly dread and lethargy! At one time, I would have been so excited and so desperate for these things to happen. Now, I'm just tired!
I definitely don't 'want' things to get any worse! So, I guess there's that. Maybe things reach a whole new level when that happens. Maybe they have already though. I'm willingly letting a lot of things slide in life. My living environment is disgusting, hygienne isn't as rigorous as it used to be. I'm telling myself it's a phase but, maybe it's the start of the slippery slope.
I think it's in part that my original 'wants' now seem so unrealistic- they have next to no hope of becoming reality, that I've probably abandoned them. Or, maybe it's that I did get some of my hopes fulfilled and they ended up pretty anticlimatic.
Sometimes, I feel so sure that I will be able to let it all go when the time comes because I don't have these hopes and wants so much.
I think ultimately, hope/ want/ desire- whatever you want to call it drives us. I think I've simply lost my drive in life and, even though it would make what I'll no doubt end up needing to do easier, I'm not sure I even want it back.
It brought with it a whole bunch of unpleasant things: Desire for things I couldn't realistically have- in terms of achievement- talent. So- envy basically plus, feelings of inferiority and failure. Also, people I couldn't realistically have too! Limerence. So- feelings of ugliness and low self worth because I knew they'd never like me back. In many ways, it's been nice to be free of desire because it rid myself of all that shit too. (Mostly.)
Still, how long can you go on living on empty? That's the question I guess. I'm here out of obligation to my Dad- not to hurt him but, how long can you go on living a demanding life with nothing much motivating you?
My life still is demanding- even though I've dropped my major ambitions. Simply trying to earn a living being creative in this world is an uphill struggle and- I absolutely will struggle with any resolve to hang on if I lose that. So, that's not a good option either. I just think like a lot of people, it feels like being trapped between a rock and a hard place. It's no wonder the drop into oblivion looks so appealing!
How do you feel? Are there things you still hope for or want in life? Does realistic judgement have an affect on your wishes?
I feel like one of the main things that motivates us to live is still having 'wants' or 'hopes'.
I feel like 'hopes' are more realistic than 'wants'. As in- they seem more reliant on our own actions in life and we maybe feel we have at least some chance of attaining our goals.
So: 'I want to win the lottery, I want to become hugely famous, I want to marry a super model' are more pie in the sky wishes. 'I hope to marry a super model' is utterly unrealistic for someone like me! 'I hope to win the lottery' isn't a sure bet for anyone.
Sometimes, I'm not even sure I have many 'wants' left in life. I have the quick dopamine fixes I still enjoy and want but, not so much the big life ambition stuff.
It's even kind of proved it to me recently, in that some big life ambition stuff is potentially on the horizon for me and yet, I just have mixed feelings about it all. Predominantly dread and lethargy! At one time, I would have been so excited and so desperate for these things to happen. Now, I'm just tired!
I definitely don't 'want' things to get any worse! So, I guess there's that. Maybe things reach a whole new level when that happens. Maybe they have already though. I'm willingly letting a lot of things slide in life. My living environment is disgusting, hygienne isn't as rigorous as it used to be. I'm telling myself it's a phase but, maybe it's the start of the slippery slope.
I think it's in part that my original 'wants' now seem so unrealistic- they have next to no hope of becoming reality, that I've probably abandoned them. Or, maybe it's that I did get some of my hopes fulfilled and they ended up pretty anticlimatic.
Sometimes, I feel so sure that I will be able to let it all go when the time comes because I don't have these hopes and wants so much.
I think ultimately, hope/ want/ desire- whatever you want to call it drives us. I think I've simply lost my drive in life and, even though it would make what I'll no doubt end up needing to do easier, I'm not sure I even want it back.
It brought with it a whole bunch of unpleasant things: Desire for things I couldn't realistically have- in terms of achievement- talent. So- envy basically plus, feelings of inferiority and failure. Also, people I couldn't realistically have too! Limerence. So- feelings of ugliness and low self worth because I knew they'd never like me back. In many ways, it's been nice to be free of desire because it rid myself of all that shit too. (Mostly.)
Still, how long can you go on living on empty? That's the question I guess. I'm here out of obligation to my Dad- not to hurt him but, how long can you go on living a demanding life with nothing much motivating you?
My life still is demanding- even though I've dropped my major ambitions. Simply trying to earn a living being creative in this world is an uphill struggle and- I absolutely will struggle with any resolve to hang on if I lose that. So, that's not a good option either. I just think like a lot of people, it feels like being trapped between a rock and a hard place. It's no wonder the drop into oblivion looks so appealing!
How do you feel? Are there things you still hope for or want in life? Does realistic judgement have an affect on your wishes?
