Venting hopeless. first vent, sorry in advance

[Atsushi.Ame]

ive just felt like this for years. since I was at least 5. in a constant state of anxiety, apologizing for my existence and convinced that I am an inconvience or a burden to the people around me, everyday feeling like a haze, most days wishing for death or thinking about death. I really had hope for myself for a time. I worked really hard in therapy, but I always end up back here. It takes so much effort and push for me to get out of bed for work in the morning. i work with kids and theyre really my light sometimes. sometimes my kids at work and my cats are the only reason I get up out of bed. I always put on a happy face for them. I am basically a teacher, mentor, brother, therapist and school admin all wrapped up into one. I hate my bosses, I hate how they micromanage me and the kids and I hate how inadequate I feel. I feel like I can never do enough and at any moment I'll get fired. I'll come back home from work and just nap.

I hate my body, I am a trans guy but to me to be beautiful is to be feminine. I am a sex addict, I am a porn addict. I have been hypersexual for many years. I hate the way sex makes me feel. I hate needing to be degraded, I get such a high out of it only to crash so hard afterwards. if I am praised or if I have normal sex- I feel numb. its like my brain wont register it and rejects that I could ever be wanted. I truly dont believe that anyone could want me just for me. When my therapist said that my need for degradation during sex was tied to my low self esteem which hit like a ton of bricks of denial. I was in such deep denial about how bad my sex and my self esteem truly is. I let my boyfriend nearly have sex with his ex girlfriend before she moved because I was convinced that since she was his first love they should have one last hurrah. And to my boyfriend- I just said that I had a cucking kink. No, I am just self destructive. I just hate myself.

I hate having bpd, I hate being angry. I hate when I think in black and white and take things too personally. I hate burning bridges forever and I hate feeling randomly suicidal. I am used to this happening for a day or two- and then I swing out of it. I am usually so good at pulling myself out of it. But I can't anymore. This has just been happening over and over and over and over again. The times where I do feel happy just arent enough to keep me going.

I feel like I live in fantasy, I always love to think about the things that I am "going to do." like paint, or do digital art, write, make music, play video games, make video games, make videos, film. I love to think about all the future careers im interested in. That brings me hope. What crushes that hope is coming home everyday, and being too mentally and physically exhausted to do anything but have sex, jerk off, eat shit and nap. I fucking hate myself, I hate my brain, I hate this trap that I have put myself in.

I can't do this anymore. At the time where I was seriously considering ctb, I made a pact with myself that I cannot ctb until I have hit rock bottom. Right now it hurts so bad to watch myself self destruct like this. I have everything that couldve ever made me happy. two cats, a lovely boyfriend, a job I love, family and friends. But it is STILL not enough for me. I think at this point NOTHING will be enough to fill the void I feel. I will forever be stuck in bed unable to get up and be stuck dreaming about my dreams and napping and sleeping and eating and not doing anything. I find myself seriously considering ctb again even though I am not at rock bottom.

I can't even fucking play video games or watch anything. Everything feels numb and empty.

I am shocked that I even got out of bed to write this.

Okay, thank you. I am sorry I dont know if this is even appropriate to post here. I just hate everything. I am going back to sleep.

 

[resurgence]

I am shocked that I even got out of bed to write this.

i guess you needed to get it out. you really arent alone in feeling the way you do.

and i understand living your entire life feeling like this. its hard to talk about with people who didnt experience it that way, because they arent so... jaded? like, they still hope and try to get better. meanwhile i just think i should rot because i have given up on improving in any meaningful way.