Venting Hopeless and lost

[LostNeverFound]

I wanted to be non existant, sometimes the pain is too much emotionally that my body starts malfunctioning, the stress of existing as a neurodivergent, with the rest off my mental illnesses adding an icing to it, feeling of not fitting in, ever since i could remember, loosing faith in people to understand me, incl my psyc, I have tried to, dosing myself with handful of pills, tring to cut my skin but pain males me pull away, I have tried to escape , and i dont know why the thought of my body on that autopsy table being butchered, for some reason makes me sympathize with all the pain i already endured while loving, i mean im a medical school student, from where i am from, autopsy is really ugly, i have seen body being treated like a butchered meat, i picture it there, the disrespect for all much i have endured, even after death , pains me, but i have dragged myself too far i have no energy, no hope, i feel like a ticking bomb, but i don't want to explode, rather like a dream i wanna die with smile on my face, the real liberation from this world, from everything, I have browsed through pages on Assisted suicide, , hog oneday , but i mean i reay wanna go farther so that i can die that way, because other means seems soo painful, the drowning, the falling,, hanging, reminds me of the bodies i saw on the autopsy table, for me i feel the only way to not feel the world again would be to go through assisted suicide but even that i have no means, im even hopeless in death.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. This life really can be torture. I think that we all deserve the option of a peaceful exit, no one should have to resort to methods like hanging and drowning in the first place. I also feel so hopeless in death as I am trapped in this world as ctb is so difficult for me. I hope that you find relief from your pain and I wish you the best.