aejisready
Member
- Nov 14, 2018
- 7
i am reaching the end of my rope. my current living situation is unstable and steadily worsening on account of the fact that i cant even keep my room clean, among many other reasons. because of this, my roommate has let me know that i have to be out by the end of the year. i am currently considering all of my options as to what i will do after this, but i am so overloaded and stressed i can't think. on top of all that, i ran out of my medication and can no longer afford it due to the termination of my insurance. i can already feel myslef spiralling into mania and i dont know what to do.
at work my performance is suffering because i am constantly disociating, having panic attacks, flashbacks. a coworker and friend of mine killed herself shortly after i started work there. my mental health was poor before that. another coworker hates me because i backed out of getting an apartment with him. i hope i gave him enough advance notice to find something. it sounds like his new prospective roommate will be much better anyway. he would hate me as a roommate.
i'm trying to buy a car from a friend but i know i cant afford it. the same friend offered to help me find an apartment but i declined because how can i ask for more help when i cant even follow through with the first thing. plus no one should have to be my mom. im a fucking adult and it's no one's fault but mine that i cant do that kind of shit on my own.
i continually disappoint my family. tonight was no different. my mom hates me and has every fucking right to. i wish i had people to talk to about this shit.
i mean, i have friends but i feel like i am constantly a fucking downer when i'm around them. i've got too much shit i'm drowning in to unload it on another person. i need fucking therapy but i have so much trauma with trying to see mental health professionals, hoping they can help me. they usually just wind up making things worse. i have been medicated from an extremely young age and now my brain chemistry is super fucked from it. i cant live without the meds but i have never encountered a medication combination that's actually helped.
the thing is, i would rather not commit suicide. i would rather live... but i feel like at this point i'm too fucked to make it. like i havent even been through that much and im this fucked how the hell would i make it if things got worse? i have never been able to act like an adult, i feel like im constantly just trapped in the teens i never got to experience.
sometimes i wonder who i could have been had i had a normal childhood. would i be just as fucked up as i am now? or would i have actually had a shot at things?
i cant keep going like this. all i do is fuck everything up around me. i want off this ride.
at work my performance is suffering because i am constantly disociating, having panic attacks, flashbacks. a coworker and friend of mine killed herself shortly after i started work there. my mental health was poor before that. another coworker hates me because i backed out of getting an apartment with him. i hope i gave him enough advance notice to find something. it sounds like his new prospective roommate will be much better anyway. he would hate me as a roommate.
i'm trying to buy a car from a friend but i know i cant afford it. the same friend offered to help me find an apartment but i declined because how can i ask for more help when i cant even follow through with the first thing. plus no one should have to be my mom. im a fucking adult and it's no one's fault but mine that i cant do that kind of shit on my own.
i continually disappoint my family. tonight was no different. my mom hates me and has every fucking right to. i wish i had people to talk to about this shit.
i mean, i have friends but i feel like i am constantly a fucking downer when i'm around them. i've got too much shit i'm drowning in to unload it on another person. i need fucking therapy but i have so much trauma with trying to see mental health professionals, hoping they can help me. they usually just wind up making things worse. i have been medicated from an extremely young age and now my brain chemistry is super fucked from it. i cant live without the meds but i have never encountered a medication combination that's actually helped.
the thing is, i would rather not commit suicide. i would rather live... but i feel like at this point i'm too fucked to make it. like i havent even been through that much and im this fucked how the hell would i make it if things got worse? i have never been able to act like an adult, i feel like im constantly just trapped in the teens i never got to experience.
sometimes i wonder who i could have been had i had a normal childhood. would i be just as fucked up as i am now? or would i have actually had a shot at things?
i cant keep going like this. all i do is fuck everything up around me. i want off this ride.
