Hopefully today will work

[thatisitguy]

July broke me and broke me bad. Even if the month of July didn't happen, then I'd still be suicidal. All July did was cement my decision to end my life and to make it happen in a manner where I go in dignity and comfort. I woke this morning and felt a lot better than any day last week. I realized that the difference between today and other days is that I can't retreat into denial that things will get better.

That being said, I took 10 blues (counterfeit pain pills that are actually just fentanyl) and supplemented it with some norcos and percocet. I washed it down with a bit of alcohol and melatonin. I am cognizant that I might as well had signed my death warrant and could pass away without having done a lot of things or that I still have fresh donut holes in my kitchen or that I really want to go visit the beach or go to a garden store and smell flowers. No note.

I honestly don't know if what I took will kill me or not. If not, then I will have to spend all of next week lowering my tolerance and I guess not eating and will take more. If that doesn't work then I'll have to get some heroin from my dealer and try another overdose. I will not stop trying until I die. This is not a phase.

I took everything about 30 minutes ago. I know it will take time for everything to hit but I am comfortable. I have no regrets. Thank you to this board or providing advice and feedback.


35 minutes after consumption: Feel very different than from any time that I've used pain pills before. Ironically, I said to myself (sarcastically) that my job will either call or text me as I am dying even though it's the weekend and the LAST thing that I want to hear from and it will be over bullshit. Sure enough, my office cell rang. I turned it off. If anyone from my job ever read this then I would want them to know that their inability to respect my off time played a role in my ending my life. Fuck you. And for that I am adding an hour of OT.

90 minutes after consumption: Took one more blue and two norcos. Starting to feel a bit buzzed and sleepy and itchy. I think this high will be nice and/or will kill me. It just feels very different. Last time I felt like this was when I blacked out.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do. Good luck.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Wow. I'm sorry life has brought you to this point. I can't comment about the 10 pills of F, since I just don't know enough about it, in general. It sounds like you've thought things through and have made a rational decision that this is the best course of action for yourself. If that's what you want, I wish you the best of luck, and at the end of your journey, may you find the peace you've longed for.

 

[mrtime87]

For what it's worth, death from overdoses are usually accidental. Hopefully you find a way out of your pain, however, and I wish you best of luck.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I don't think this is going to work. if it does or did I think it would be or was peaceful. everyone deserves to go in peace.

 

[CatLvr]

Successful or not, I hope you will find the peace you seek. And remember there is no shame if you are still here tomorrow.

 

[thatisitguy]

I don't think this is going to work. if it does or did I think it would be or was peaceful. everyone deserves to go in peace.

Why is that? Just for that comment, I took 2 more norcos and one more blue lol.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Why is that?

I think your body could reject and start muscle contractions, vomiting.. it's been almost an hour, do you feel it's working? I wish everyone had access to peaceful methods instead of taking risks or resorting to violence. You also posted that you took a lot of drugs last night also but it didn't work. You may have a large tolerance or some other factors going. it's hard to say.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find what you search for, best wishes.

 

[thatisitguy]

I think your boy could reject and start muscle contractions, vomiting.. it's been almost an hour, do you feel it's working? I wish everyone had access to peaceful methods instead of taking risks or resorting to violence. You also posted that you took a lot of drugs last night also but it didn't work. You may have a large tolerance or some other factors going. it's hard to say.

I think it is a tolerance issue and that I have a full stomach. I did take some ketamine last night (hadn't touched it since last week) and I blacked out on it. There was one other time when I blacked out on pills and it wasn't painful at all. If I do too much, then the negative side effects happen a few days later.

The good part is that if I don't live then at least I know I have the courage to go through with it. I might have to wait a few days to lower my tolerance, maybe longer. I posted the irony of how I need to self-medicate to get through what I am going through which probably is affecting my tolerance and when I am in a space where I am ready to die, it doesn't work. Thank you for addressing that thought in the back of my head.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I think it is a tolerance issue and that I have a full stomach. I did take some ketamine last night (hadn't touched it since last week) and I blacked out on it. There was one other time when I blacked out on pills and it wasn't painful at all. If I do too much, then the negative side effects happen a few days later.

The good part is that if I don't live then at least I know I have the courage to go through with it. I might have to wait a few days to lower my tolerance, maybe longer. I posted the irony of how I need to self-medicate to get through what I am going through which probably is affecting my tolerance and when I am in a space where I am ready to die, it doesn't work. Thank you for addressing that thought in the back of my head.

No one that gets to this point for whatever reasons should have to be doing guess work. it's dangerous and tragic.

 

[thatisitguy]

No one that gets to this point for whatever reasons in their should have to do guess work about it. It's dangerous and tragic.

I guess the do-gooders think if they make it hard enough, then people will give up. That is how I got to this point and you don't get to point and give up

 

[thatisitguy]

So obviously it didn't work but some good came out of it. I cannot believe that some people drop dead from a bit of fentanyl and I didn't after taking a bunch.

1. I'm absolutely more determined than ever to end it all. I am no longer afraid to die.
2. I'm going to stop taking pills for awhile and suffer whatever I have to suffer in an effort to lower my tolerance until next weekend.
3. If taking mouthfuls or opioids doesn't kill me, then unfortunately I will have to reach out to my dealer for a more lethal and messier means of death. This part is what worries me the most. Desperation can lead to bigger problems. It adds to my frustration.

 

[Crazyturtle777]

So obviously it didn't work but some good came out of it. I cannot believe that some people drop dead from a bit of fentanyl and I didn't after taking a bunch.

1. I'm absolutely more determined than ever to end it all. I am no longer afraid to die.
2. I'm going to stop taking pills for awhile and suffer whatever I have to suffer in an effort to lower my tolerance until next weekend.
3. If taking mouthfuls or opioids doesn't kill me, then unfortunately I will have to reach out to my dealer for a more lethal and messier means of death. This part is what worries me the most. Desperation can lead to bigger problems. It adds to my frustration.

I have a low tolerance on (weak) opioids too and snorted 3 lines of high-quality heroin no3. (from Europe, doesn't contain fent). In sum it was about 1 gram. I felt like fucking happy holy moly but i wasn't even near to death.
I know opioids can cause a very peaceful death, but they're not as reliable as one might thought. And if you're already using opioids/opiates, you'll just need tons of high potency stuff like fent or nitazenes and should inject it to ensure you are going to ctb unfortunately.

 

[thatisitguy]

I have a low tolerance on (weak) opioids too and snorted 3 lines of high-quality heroin no3. (from Europe, doesn't contain fent). In sum it was about 1 gram. I felt like fucking happy holy moly but i wasn't even near to death.
I know opioids can cause a very peaceful death, but they're not as reliable as one might thought. And if you're already using opioids/opiates, you'll just need tons of high potency stuff like fent or nitazenes and should inject it to ensure you are going to ctb unfortunately.

And that is the fucked up part.

 

[Bear1234]

Im just curious, but why try all these heavy drugs when you know SN and AE together have a pretty good success rate?

 

[thatisitguy]

Im just curious, but why try all these heavy drugs when you know SN and AE together have a pretty good success rate?

That is a fair question.

Simply put, I want a nice comfortable method. The more complex you make it, the harder it becomes going through with. I did mess with SN (at least that is what the label said) and it was pretty bad. I think my next attempt will be taking more pills and mix it up with ketamine and alcohol.

 

[Bear1234]

That is a fair question.

Simply put, I want a nice comfortable method. The more complex you make it, the harder it becomes going through with. I did mess with SN (at least that is what the label said) and it was pretty bad. I think my next attempt will be taking more pills and mix it up with ketamine and alcohol.

Makes sense lol always do what makes you most comfortable. Hopefully its a peaceful way out <3