Honestly would consider being able to kill myself recovery at this point

[Durge]

I've tried many times at this point, I can't get myself to kill myself. It's like those blood sugar checkers that require to make a small prick in your finger, I'm not able to push the poke button (or press the shoot trigger).

Life keeps getting worse and worse. I just fucking hate all this. And it sucks that I'm getting worse as time goes on. For about the past few years I've been really trying to make my life better by doing things like hanging with friends, working out, doing everything you're supposed to do. But I'm just hating life and it all more and more. I've been getting "help" (therapy/prescription drugs) for about two years and none of it helps. I just keep hating my life more and more.

I've also notice myself getting more and more demented as time goes on, seeing other people or animals hurt has started to become something that relaxes me, I imagine it's in the same way people who cut themselves feel but idk since I've never cut myself. Ofc I haven't told my therapist this part or the strong desire to go to the other side. Because I know for sure that the worse part of my life was the couple weeks I was in a mental hospital.

This is all why I would see finally being able to kill myself a form of recovery for me. And really wish I lived in a country that supported medically induced suicide

 

[Ovid]

I believe you need to address these thoughts with your therapist, or possibly a new healthcare provider if you believe that your therapist is unable to help you with this issue.
Please preface everything you say to your therapist by saying "I have no intention or plans to harm myself or others", and then elaborate to them about how you are feeling. Living like that is no life at all, I believe you can recover and live successfully.
Do you think you enjoy seeing others in pain because you are in pain yourself? I have a similar but lesser issue, I find myself taking satisfaction in knowing that my peers did poorly in their studies as they are way smarter than me and have higher grades, so I take any boost I can get even if it's them getting knocked down. I also don't speak to them about their drinking and nicotine habits which are getting to be very unhealthy, because it's only fair that they suffer with addiction when I'm going through the same thing, right?
Let me know if you think that is the reason why - and obviously it is an unhealthy thought pattern.

 

[Andrews]

I live with chronic pain and somehow relate to that part of feeling relaxed when around people who are also in pain. Not sure if it's the same thing you're feeling. But for me it's like... I know they understand me and at the same time I understand them. Seeing they're still alive and kicking and managing to go on with their lives, makes me accept my pain somehow.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

Increasing homicidal ideation could be from medication. Talk to psychiatrist and therapist/psychologist about this. It sounds like you can recognize the thoughts so that's pretty good. As far as suicidal feelings. Say something like "I'm going to therapy and on medication, but I still feel like I want to die. I don't intend to act on anything. what kind of therapy do you think could help?"