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Sylveon

XX/XX/2024
Oct 10, 2023
415
The title pretty much says it all. I had been seriously considering CTB in the past few weeks until someone from my city attempted, which left them alive without limbs (train), so I'm back to my pathetic ol' browsing the internet all day, playing video games, binge eating self... But that's not what this post is about.

I'm sure that suicide is going to be my inevitable end one day, be it in a month, a year, or a decade at the very most (unless I get behind the wheel again), so where should I align my thoughts in the meantime? Should I CTB at the earliest opportunity I get? Which, although doesn't seem to be in the sights, would allow my parents to get more time to adjust and, more importantly, plan their life without me in it, or should I wait and (hopefully) leave them with a few more happy memories before I go out? Not sure how long that wait would/should be.

The third option is that I just keep being bipolar about suicide and go through motions every day, living from thing A to thing B until I hopefully can't...

Can anyone relate? Would love to know your thoughts on this.

Thanks if you read till here; hope you had a wonderful day today. 🤍
 
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wisteria3

Member
May 5, 2024
45
I definitely relate, I've also been seriously considering it the past few weeks too and that's the only thing stopping me anymore at this point. Even thinking of "hope for the future," I guess I do have hope I could get better with some effort, at least well enough to make them happier. But I know it's not guaranteed, I'd have to suffer a lot first, and even when I'm "better" I'll still be suffering a lot because that's the nature of life, so it's not a path I'd be interested in if they weren't alive.

I think right now I'm planning to at least obtain what I need and plan to do it within a few weeks, since I've wanted out for long enough I can suppress the thought of them. I know it's selfish (not that being selfish is always wrong). Still, I don't know what the thought of my family will do when the time comes.

I think the worst is being on the fence because you are stuck staying alive but also not in a mindset to recover either... but I get it, thinking of suicide is such a coping mechanism that it's hard to give up. So I guess my "advice" would be to make a decision to either ctb or try to recover... but MUCH easier said than done. If you can't, maybe look at it as "I'm suffering for as long as possible to make my parents suffer less time" so like it feels like a sacrifice/altruistic thing that can maybe help you feel like you have a purpose. I don't really know, but at least know you aren't alone in this feeling :)
 
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Sylveon

XX/XX/2024
Oct 10, 2023
415
I definitely relate, I've also been seriously considering it the past few weeks too and that's the only thing stopping me anymore at this point. Even thinking of "hope for the future," I guess I do have hope I could get better with some effort, at least well enough to make them happier. But I know it's not guaranteed, I'd have to suffer a lot first, and even when I'm "better" I'll still be suffering a lot because that's the nature of life, so it's not a path I'd be interested in if they weren't alive.

I think right now I'm planning to at least obtain what I need and plan to do it within a few weeks, since I've wanted out for long enough I can suppress the thought of them. I know it's selfish (not that being selfish is always wrong). Still, I don't know what the thought of my family will do when the time comes.

I think the worst is being on the fence because you are stuck staying alive but also not in a mindset to recover either... but I get it, thinking of suicide is such a coping mechanism that it's hard to give up. So I guess my "advice" would be to make a decision to either ctb or try to recover... but MUCH easier said than done. If you can't, maybe look at it as "I'm suffering for as long as possible to make my parents suffer less time" so like it feels like a sacrifice/altruistic thing that can maybe help you feel like you have a purpose. I don't really know, but at least know you aren't alone in this feeling :)
Feel ya; the worst part of it all is that my life is actually pretty decent on the surface, and I could probably recover if I wanted to, but I don't really want that because life post-recovery doesn't seem appealing either, as entitled as it may sound.

I think most would've chosen recovery if they were in my place, but personally, I merely see it as delaying the inevitable, and I hate myself too much to prolong my life any further. The thought of being stuck with myself for years sounds miserable, to say the least... Maybe I can try seeing it as a sacrifice thing after all, but it's hard to do when I'm still pretty much leeching off their resources. :')

If I'm being honest, I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this loop for years before I come to a decision.

Wish it was easier for all of us... I hope you find peace, no matter what you decide to do; take care. 🤍
 
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lucifer_yoo

Member
Apr 19, 2024
17
Feel ya; the worst part of it all is that my life is actually pretty decent on the surface, and I could probably recover if I wanted to, but I don't really want that because life post-recovery doesn't seem appealing either, as entitled as it may sound.

I think most would've chosen recovery if they were in my place, but personally, I merely see it as delaying the inevitable, and I hate myself too much to prolong my life any further. The thought of being stuck with myself for years sounds miserable, to say the least... Maybe I can try seeing it as a sacrifice thing after all, but it's hard to do when I'm still pretty much leeching off their resources. :')

If I'm being honest, I feel like I'm gonna be stuck in this loop for years before I come to a decision.

Wish it was easier for all of us... I hope you find peace, no matter what you decide to do; take care. 🤍
May I know how old are you? I relate to this so hard.
 
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