Shit. I guess I'm genuinely near the "this is a thing that might happen" stage as I told my mum this evening.
Admittedly, as of last night, I'm unexpectedly going through something I didn't see coming. And although that certainly adds to my reasons for seriously being ready to Stop, it's not the main factor, not even close. I can actually say that, even though I'm emotional right now, I know that I've been thinking about this, researching this, and talking with one particular friend intermittentyl (someone who my mum really thinks well of) that this isn't solely an emotional choice. And even though I'm in possibly the greatest amount of pain of my rape and abuse surviving 42 years of life, this potential choice is still based on 'sensible' reasons.
The only way I can function is if I'm addicted to opiates. I have a degenerative disorder, one which causes me to be in pain every day. Even the hospital specialist said there's nothing better they can offer me for pain relief than what I have now - that I basically have to accept being in physical as well as emotional pain for the rest of my life. And that shit is seriously hard to bear when you're alone. Up until last night, I was just living alone - I had a partner, and we were less than a month away from moving in together. But that meant there was someone there to hold me when I was in so much pain I couldn't think, or was vibrating. Someone to fetch a cup of tea for me when I couldn't get out of bed. Someone to make my world bigger than the four walls I'm confined to. Someone to help me get OUT of those four walls.
But I'mi the UK, and our government doesn't like giving money to disabled people. In fact, it's basically actively taking money AWAY from disabled people. I'm only 42, and I can't work. I don't qualify for state housing as I my home is owned outright by my mum. But the amount that it's worth isn't enough to buy a bigger home, one suitable for me - one where I don't live on the second floor, in a building with no lifts, where I can't have a dog (assistance) or cats. Where there isn't enough room inside to exercise, if I even *could* do any exercise, that is.
The thing that I don't think she really started getting til today is that she never sees me when things are really bad, because the only person who did was my now-ex. And now no one will. I think maybe she's now starting to appreciate that asking me not to ctb just so she doesn't have to go through the pain of losing me, now better understanding the pain she would be asking me to endure instead, helped to be able to tell her I've been thinking about and planning towards it.
I can't live 40 more years alone. I'm not able to get out and meet people, so I would be alone, and I don't really any friends, so I've got no support network. I'm an only child and my mum is the only family I've got left. She'll be 70 next year.
Really, what do I have left? Decades on state benefits, in a state which actively takes money away from people on benefits, shuffling towards a state 'pension' so tiny that it likely won't even exist any more by the time I'm that old, and ALONE. I can't go out. I don't drive. I have no independence. I've just lost health, capacity, independence non-stop for the last 7 years. I can't work. I literally don't speak to another human being sometimes for a week at a time. You know what the UN definition of "solitary confinement" is? A lack of meaningful human interaction 23hrs a day. We don't even let PRISONERS exist like this, it's considered that awful. And yet this is my life.
I've fought my whole life. I was emotionally abused all through my childhood. I was raped age 13. I had abusive relationships for decades, ended up in an abusive marriage. All of it led me to a point where I met my soulmate. The person I thought made it all almost having been worth it. And now, with basically no warning and for basically no reason (and it cannot be changed), I'm alone. It was all for nothing. The love of my life, my soul mate, has told me I'm worth nothing better than being dumped by email after a week away from six years together.
There are weeks that go by where I don't even set foot outside my front door. Sometimes, I can't even make it back up the two flights of stairs to my flat. I have NO way to meet anyone new, even if I could find someone interested in a 42 year old who's disabled and can't work. It's not catastrophising to say that the reality is that I'm likely going to be alone for ever now. And the prospect of 30-40 YEARS of that?
I can't believe I've even started to get my mum to understand that that's not a crazy thing to think. I'm amazed she didn't cry. She's had emotional difficulties and survived abuse of her own, I think that was maybe how I got to get her to start to understand...
Thanks for listening/reading. It's been really nice to get all this out. Loneliness is such a unique kind of pain...
Admittedly, as of last night, I'm unexpectedly going through something I didn't see coming. And although that certainly adds to my reasons for seriously being ready to Stop, it's not the main factor, not even close. I can actually say that, even though I'm emotional right now, I know that I've been thinking about this, researching this, and talking with one particular friend intermittentyl (someone who my mum really thinks well of) that this isn't solely an emotional choice. And even though I'm in possibly the greatest amount of pain of my rape and abuse surviving 42 years of life, this potential choice is still based on 'sensible' reasons.
The only way I can function is if I'm addicted to opiates. I have a degenerative disorder, one which causes me to be in pain every day. Even the hospital specialist said there's nothing better they can offer me for pain relief than what I have now - that I basically have to accept being in physical as well as emotional pain for the rest of my life. And that shit is seriously hard to bear when you're alone. Up until last night, I was just living alone - I had a partner, and we were less than a month away from moving in together. But that meant there was someone there to hold me when I was in so much pain I couldn't think, or was vibrating. Someone to fetch a cup of tea for me when I couldn't get out of bed. Someone to make my world bigger than the four walls I'm confined to. Someone to help me get OUT of those four walls.
But I'mi the UK, and our government doesn't like giving money to disabled people. In fact, it's basically actively taking money AWAY from disabled people. I'm only 42, and I can't work. I don't qualify for state housing as I my home is owned outright by my mum. But the amount that it's worth isn't enough to buy a bigger home, one suitable for me - one where I don't live on the second floor, in a building with no lifts, where I can't have a dog (assistance) or cats. Where there isn't enough room inside to exercise, if I even *could* do any exercise, that is.
The thing that I don't think she really started getting til today is that she never sees me when things are really bad, because the only person who did was my now-ex. And now no one will. I think maybe she's now starting to appreciate that asking me not to ctb just so she doesn't have to go through the pain of losing me, now better understanding the pain she would be asking me to endure instead, helped to be able to tell her I've been thinking about and planning towards it.
I can't live 40 more years alone. I'm not able to get out and meet people, so I would be alone, and I don't really any friends, so I've got no support network. I'm an only child and my mum is the only family I've got left. She'll be 70 next year.
Really, what do I have left? Decades on state benefits, in a state which actively takes money away from people on benefits, shuffling towards a state 'pension' so tiny that it likely won't even exist any more by the time I'm that old, and ALONE. I can't go out. I don't drive. I have no independence. I've just lost health, capacity, independence non-stop for the last 7 years. I can't work. I literally don't speak to another human being sometimes for a week at a time. You know what the UN definition of "solitary confinement" is? A lack of meaningful human interaction 23hrs a day. We don't even let PRISONERS exist like this, it's considered that awful. And yet this is my life.
I've fought my whole life. I was emotionally abused all through my childhood. I was raped age 13. I had abusive relationships for decades, ended up in an abusive marriage. All of it led me to a point where I met my soulmate. The person I thought made it all almost having been worth it. And now, with basically no warning and for basically no reason (and it cannot be changed), I'm alone. It was all for nothing. The love of my life, my soul mate, has told me I'm worth nothing better than being dumped by email after a week away from six years together.
There are weeks that go by where I don't even set foot outside my front door. Sometimes, I can't even make it back up the two flights of stairs to my flat. I have NO way to meet anyone new, even if I could find someone interested in a 42 year old who's disabled and can't work. It's not catastrophising to say that the reality is that I'm likely going to be alone for ever now. And the prospect of 30-40 YEARS of that?
I can't believe I've even started to get my mum to understand that that's not a crazy thing to think. I'm amazed she didn't cry. She's had emotional difficulties and survived abuse of her own, I think that was maybe how I got to get her to start to understand...
Thanks for listening/reading. It's been really nice to get all this out. Loneliness is such a unique kind of pain...
