Holding out Hope

[virginiawoolf86]

So, as some of you may know, I suffer from Cotard's Delusion. It is a waking hell and medication hasn't helped. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and was thinking of asking my doctor for ECT treatment as that's a possible treatment for my illness. My worry is that it won't work and and will damage my brain further. Also, having to potentially go inpatient again is something I really don't want to do. What if they keep me there and I'm stuck without a way out of this miserable existence? Am I stupid for holding out hope for treatment? I just can't keep living this way anymore and I really just want another chance at my life. I'm nearing my CTB date and am torn on what to do.

That being said, and I hope I'm not breaking any rules here, if this doesn't work, would anyone be willing to be with me in my last moments? Either through chat or what have you. I'm scared and so alone and I feel like I need someone there to be with me in some way. I don't know if it's okay to ask this, and if it is, please forgive me. I'll take down this part of this post.

No one knows how I suffer.
I'm so lost right now.
Thank you for reading.

 

[WornOutLife]

Hi Virginia! I'm so sorry you're going through so much.
You can count me to be with you on a chat or whatever. Just send me a PM with the details and I'll be there.

Send you lots of hugs and love.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Hi Virginia! I'm so sorry you're going through so much.
You can count me to be with you on a chat or whatever. Just send me a PM with the details and I'll be there.

Send you lots of hugs and love.

Thank you so much. You're the best.

I'll message you soon with the details.

 

[Puddings]

I dont think you are being stupid at all for hoping. Hope is part of our survival instinct and its natural. For me I dont want to die per se but its when you lose all hope that treatment will help and things will get better that you feel there is no other way out.

 

[fred farkle]

No.

 

[andme72]

Honestly, if you don't want to die you certainly should try and exhaust your treatment options first. Have you been in therapy for very long? I've done therapy on and off for about 15 years. Only ever had some success with 2 out of 12 mental health professionals. It really comes down to shopping for the right therapist/psychiatrist. ECT is a pretty hardcore treatment, have you asked a doctor about TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) instead? It is known for being less invasive than ECT with milder side effects. There's a decent amount of information you can find with a web search. Sorry you're feeling so low, but it's good that you still want to keep taking steps forward.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Honestly, if you don't want to die you certainly should try and exhaust your treatment options first. Have you been in therapy for very long? I've done therapy on and off for about 15 years. Only ever had some success with 2 out of 12 mental health professionals. It really comes down to shopping for the right therapist/psychiatrist. ECT is a pretty hardcore treatment, have you asked a doctor about TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) instead? It is known for being less invasive than ECT with milder side effects. There's a decent amount of information you can find with a web search. Sorry you're feeling so low, but it's good that you still want to keep taking steps forward.

Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to hear that I'm not just being hopelessly optimistic.

I've been in therapy before, but this just happened within the past year and it's unbearable. I have heard of TMS but it's not mentioned in terms of treatment for Cotard's. ECT was however. I agree though that it's a hardcore approach. It just seems like it's my last option at this point given that medication has been unsuccessful. Not gonna lie, I'm definitely scared.

 

[andme72]

In my opinion, most medications are garbage for anything more extreme than moderate symptoms. There's no one I know with suicidal ideation that's ever been "cured" or even relieved by meds alone. For psychiatric treatment, you're looking at a multi-system approach because the truth is, psychiatry is still in it's infancy as a science. Most complex diagnoses don't get better with just therapy or just medication - you got to do both, and usually multiple varieties (not just CBT therapy, probably some DBT and/or trauma work if you have a history of trauma) because every individual human is different.

I also believe Cotard's is quite rare, so unless you're seeing a specialist for treatment, your doctor might not be aware of newer studies or treatments for the diagnosis. Try and find an online Cotard's support group? Patients will often discuss their various current and previous treatments. And each person differs in their response to the various treatments, so take things with a grain of salt but also hope. Good luck :)