Venting holding on by a thread.

[tekth]

Hi there, I've been lurking here for a bit and have decided it is a safe place to vent.

The last year of my life has been a living hell, a living hell that I have created via my own actions. All I ever wanted to do in life was to be a musician and well I destroyed that opportunity. I got kicked out of the bands I was in and I can never go back, it was deserved but I do not know what the fuck to do anymore.
I have been lingering on the thought of CTB for a long while now, and presently I still go back and forth with actually going through with the action.
I just don't have anything to live for anymore.

Living in this world is a fucking nightmare, to top it all off I'm a trans woman and I'm viewed as an abomination it is now at the point where I cant even look in the mirror anymore without having a full on meltdown. I am a full blown shut-in with no job and no education path, I have no money to my name and I spend my life currently wasting away playing video games pretending its going to be okay and everything will eventually be fine.
Therapy is a joke, anti-depressants have no effect on me, everyone keeps telling me that "Oh it's going to get better!" or "You can't give up!" its just the same fucking script over and over again that I hear.
I feel as if I am in an endless feedback loop in my life currently,

I wake up and ask my self "Is today the day?" over the last month the answer has been yes to everyday with no action to back it up.
There is something keeping me in this pain, and I just don't know what it is.

I want it to end. I don't have anything to live for anymore.

 

[Aisley]

Have you considered moving? A new town and new people to play music with?

 

[tekth]

Have you considered moving? A new town and new people to play music with?

i have, unfortunately i dont have the money to back up moving. And i dont even know if i can bring myself to play music again its just so traumatic for me now.

 

[Aisley]

When I say move, I mean a duffel bag, a bus ticket and your guitar. I've done this, and shit meant nothing to me then. All that meant anything was getting the fuck out of town. And I'm not saying it solves everything. But, if music isn't a joy, then where do you go with that? Sorry to hear about that. I hope you find some way out.

 

[leftdreaming]

I wake up and ask my self "Is today the day?" over the last month the answer has been yes to everyday with no action to back it up.
There is something keeping me in this pain, and I just don't know what it is.

I feel this in my bones. Hanging on by a thread, too small to even know what it's made of, but it's holding us there nonetheless. Waking up and thinking about how I survived the night as though I was to be killed. It sucks so so much.

Whatever it is keeping you alive has worked so far, even if you aren't sure what it is. Life isn't some movie where we find the key to happiness and ride off into the sunset, but perhaps finding whatever this is could help you find your way, whether that be to ctb or to live on. Being lost in limbo sucks and drains you of your energy, but to know what you live for could bring you another outlook on life. I wish you luck.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I feel this in my bones. Hanging on by a thread, too small to even know what it's made of, but it's holding us there nonetheless. Waking up and thinking about how I survived the night as though I was to be killed. It sucks so so much.

I'm in the same boat, it's been many days since I wanted to end it all, every day I wake up with the idea that I will finally do it, but night arrives and I just can't do it, feeling like something keeps me here in this torment.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering as existing here undeniably is so dreadful, I agree that this world really is such a nightmarish place to exist in and I get that it's tiring feeling trapped here, I cannot stand those people with their toxic positivity who refuse to accept suicide as being a valid option. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Hanging by a thread.
Walking on a knife edge.
Yes, I understand you in this completely.
We get to a point after so many things have gone wrong, where just one little thing can tip you over the edge completely.
It seems that this cruel life just wants to kick us in the teeth repeatedly.
I also despise the way that so many of our problems are caused by lack of money.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[blacksand]

same here. its hard realizing life isint a movie there will be no lifechanging chance meeting with a stranger or a letter from hogwarts coming to save you. Its sobering realizing this is it and we are trapped. Fuck everything.

 

[plain_jane]

As a fellow trans woman, I relate greatly to this. I think it's super impressive you could even muster the ability to play music as I definitely never could, but dysphoria is hell and I also understand if it is traumatic to you now. I'm in relationships with four other people (three trans women and one nonbinary) and yet none of them ever pay any attention to me or do anything for me on their own. Existence is very draining, but I still take solace in my occasional ability to sleep with someone else. I don't think people were designed to sleep alone, it makes me miserable personally. So as for advice, I can't offer any platitudes, but maybe try finding other trans people around you? (Apps make this relatively easy if you have the stomach for them)

You aren't an abomination, whether or not you choose to cease to breathe, or to live on, you are a woman.