Hiking alone in an ultra remote mountain range until nature takes me

[Climber]

I see a lot of posts talking about peaceful endings and resting but I was wondering if there are others like me who think they deserve to go in a hard way where suffering is involved.

I don't have a date planned or anything but the thought is in my mind constantly.

Don't get me wrong at the end of the day the concept of it ending would end my suffering but the path to the end feels like it should be hard.

My plans mainly revolved around solo hiking in extremely remote cold and mountainous locations where rescue would be impossible and succumbing to the elements would be a matter of time.

I am aware SI takes over and your body fights for survival but the idea is that if I purposely remove tools to find my way back it goes from an options to a set fate.

I have spent months preparing my body physically for the hike and saving money to charter transportation and local permits where necessary.

In my case it is guilt and fear, I don't deserve a good ending and I must suffer to get the sweet release in the end. And fear, I can't see myself using weapons, medications or jumping.

I sometimes also fear the afterlife, even going to heaven sounds scary. Because what do you mean even in death I'll still be conscious and haunted by my past. Nothingness is the only comfort to me.

My hope is to one find my way into a remote mountain range, summit the peak and not make survive the return. I'll have accomplished something even in the end.

I was wondering if others feel similarly or what the general thoughts are on this.

 

[ZwartHartje]

I love the wilderness so much! I think it's a great plan.
Personally I wouldn't mind either way whether my end will be peaceful as long as it's CERTAIN. When I want to go I don't want to survive at all, worse would be survive but crippled, or worst of all getting "saved" and losing my freedom - what little freedom there is while trapped in a human body.

I do believe that consciousness is what we truly are and that there will be an afterlife. I've looked a lot into NDEs, and while there are now too many accounts to be realistic with whole Youtube channels dedicated to only NDEs and also I don't care about the religious stuff, there are certain ones that felt so true to me, like feeling the burden of having a body fall away, having 360 degree vision and generally greatly enhanced senses and knowledge, and feeling like home.
It feels almost like a forgotten memory although I've never had an NDE myself, all I knw for sure is I always felt this human body is something I'm trapped in.

I don't think we'll be haunted by our past. More likely we'll understand that it was necessary in order to fully comprehend the nature of being... or something like that. But the burden of it will fall away.
Wishing you all the best on your journey!